Sunday, September 25, 2011

How to be come a...ROCK LEGEND!

      I am awake at, what looks to be, too mother fucking early in the morning, typing on a computer in my underwear. I was awaken by my oldest son sobbing about a headache. We all have colds by the way. The whole damn house...isn't that grounds to call it a pandemic or some shit? Where's the fucking CDC on this? The fuckers. Anyway, I get him kiddie aspirin, tell him to lay down on the couch across from me, so as not to disturb anyone with his dramatic "my brain is exploding" outbursts. Then, I, set about trolling the internet as usual, reading this and that. When, on a pop up I run across a Pink Floyd release...preview...thing on You Tube for the...(ahem) remastered Discovery editions, The Discovery Box Set and The Dark Side of the Moon Experience (Immersions Edition) box set, respectively. Oh, by the way anyone looking to curry favor with me or has been looking for a token,to demonstrate, their immense devotion and fanaticism, to this blog or me personally, feel free to buy one or both and send them my way. I am not above bribery and love shown through the giving of material goods.

I love you.

      Though, personal pandering aside, this is not what I am writing about. What I am writing about is greatness and what makes a band, like Pink Floyd, great and legendary when so many others are not? Is there a difference? Can we predict what bands or singers and such will achieve this level of immortality? I think it is possible. For demonstration purposes and as will be explained the parameters or what I think are parameters...sort of, I will use 90's bands. Anyway, first things first, what is a legendary band to begin with? Well, as I stated above, Pink Floyd is legendary, meaning, they won't easily be forgotten for years and years to come. The same can be said for the Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Chuck Berry, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, etc. These bands and artists like them have transcended their ages. 

Like the rocking version of Charlie Chaplin, that pimp mother fucker. 

      When I started listening to Pink Floyd, it was out of an innate curiosity as to why everyone thought this band was "pants shittingly" awesome. As it was described to me..."Have you ever had a braingasm? It's like the whole of Pink Floyd's sonic arsenal...all of their music...ejaculates into your thoughts. It's a musical gang bang.". No, I totally made that shit up. You should have seen your face though. Silly rabbit. So, why are they so good, I thought to myself? Then, I listened and boom. It was like, dynamite going off in ya ass...or on your scrotum...or maybe in your brain? Some kind of explosive epiphany that's like dynamite. I'll go with scrotal. The same thing kind of happened for me with Led Zeppelin and the Beatles, though with far less dick pyrotechnics. Still, awesome. Overall, with these bands and bands of their caliber I think it's the music and artist's mystique and high quality mixed with originality, rebellion and with...some kind of attitude. I think you all know what I mean. It can be applied to almost every musical genre. There's Michael Jackson, Tina Turner, Billy Joel, etc. All of them timeless for the same reason. 

They're all completely fucking gay.

      Oh, if only that gay part were true. We'd all be going gay just to be famous and failing miserably. The real gay folks would think it was hysterical...making fun of us. It would be real gay people laughing at fake gay people. Then, the racist bigotry would start. Hate crimes with no discernible victim...or attacker. Reals against Fakes...sides would be chosen, lines drawn. Drag queen foot soldiers would take to the fields. Then, the lipstick bullets and masking tape (to tape dicks and balls up...or tits down...if you're dressing up, right?) 

I'd say ask him...but, he's far too...SEXXAAAYYYY!...for your shit.

      Really, it's the music that made them famous. Well, for the most part it does, their personalities count for a some, but, if the music sucked...they'd just be really cool nobodies. So, what's with the music? To tell you the truth, I wish I fucking knew. I have six kids here I'm dying to turn into the next Jackson 5 band thing...and I am willing to beat them mercilessly to get there. Hear me god! Ah, just getting his answering service. Regardless, there are tons of bands and such that make great music though, most will miss the immortality boat. I don't think anyone really knows what makes for a good eternal namesake. If they did, they'd be pumping out hits like, like mack 10 bullets (my little attempt at gangsta rap. Did...did I spell that right?) and making millions off of it...forever. Do the artists themselves know? Probably not. I can tell you this though, it's somewhat easy to spot who will carry on and who will remain jailed in their respective time or even forgotten. How? Well, glad you asked, bitch! Cause big daddy Elton gonna drop dem bombs, biz-nizzi-nizzi-nitch, nitch! (ahem) No really, there are a couple of factors...


Keith Moon crazy.

      Okay, so, say the music is a given. The band's music is great. So? What else have you got? That's where a lot of bands lose the tether to legendary. They have nothing else to give, well, beyond the music anyway. What can put you over that magical line? Having a band mate be nuttier than a Payday candy bar will do it. The closer to clinical insanity the better. No? Take Keith Moon up there, his exploits are the stuff of myth, marvel and legend all their own. More than one person who knew him would attest to him being off his shit. WAY off his shit. What's that have to do with the music he made? Everything. If one of the people that had a hand in creating the music was just HAVE to listen to it. In everyone is a deep curiosity for madness. You want to see what that crazy fuck is seeing, though, you don't want to be crazy yourself, you still wonder. So, when they contribute to creating music that is really good, you stick around with wonder. It's worked for a lot of bands, The Beach Boys had Brian Wilson, Pink Floyd had Syd Barrett, The Doors had Jim Morrison. It might not be the best means of the production of music, but, it sure doesn't hurt the climb to legendary.


What rhymes with, "Pussy licking ball sniffer?"

      What the fuck is "Knack"? Besides being the name of the band that made "My Sharona" which I think is slang for dick, it's also a word meaning a natural ability to perform a task. The task here is the writing of popular music. Now, I'm not talking about "pop" music bag of itself. I'm talking about the knack to write music that has large appeal to whatever audience it's meant for. And example? The Beatles. John Lennon & Paul McCartney wrote music that appealed to a vast, vastly, vast audience, it still does. What makes it so appealing? Is it the lyrics, the arrangement, the instrumentation? Scientist's have run tests on the shit and still can't figure it out. Herein likes the "knack". John , Paul and to an extent George all had the knack to write songs that appealed to a huge audience. What that knack is precisely, again no one has a fucking clue. Otherwise, they'd have a bunch of Johns and Pauls in a basement somewhere cranking out hits like chained up Taiwanese sweat shop kids. You just know it when you hear it. The Rolling Stones have it, in my opinion a slightly diminished form of it, AC/DC have it, what is it? A good hook, perhaps, but, somehow that's still not it. It's about capturing someone's imagination, producing an emotional response, not just being rhythmically repetitive. Lots of songs have a great hook, but, don't become the stuff of greatness. All music legends have's something primal, I feel. Like, hunting or sniffing your own farts. know you do it. YOU SOOOO KNOW!

Smells like bacon and eggs.


      Without the youth vote, no band would make it to the top of legendary mountain. It's a given. Lots of factors play into this. If the music is too topical then, it stays in the era of that topic, if the music has over used "dated" techniques (i.e. guitar wah pedal in the 70's), if the band looks trendy in relation to it's era, then, it's likely to be relegated to that era. The music the band or singer creates has to speak to the universal qualities of all youth;  be it rebellion, depression, angst, anger, etc. It has to be said in the right way and not too...cheesy or "obvious". It's a hard thing to hit on, but, a lot of bands have done it time and again. Bands like "The Doors" or "Black Sabbath" for instance. 


You lookin' at me? Frank Zappa has killed for less.

      Sometimes, to reach the realm of legend you have to be...different. Not...fling your piss and shit on stage, while entering and exiting a giant vagina, different...but, that could help. Eccentricity, if done right, automatically elevates music. That elevation can either swing into goofy comedy or artsy, avant garde shit. It takes rare breed indeed to ride the line between both...and achieve greatness. Being weird isn't enough, you have to have the musical ability to back it up. If you ride the line and back it up...legend. People that did it? Frank Zappa, The Talking Heads are a couple, I feel. They are waaaay different, but, relevant in their weirdness. 


Jim Morrison's impersonation of a penis.

      Nothing helps the "legendary" quite like being dead. The only problem with it, is that in order for it to work, you kind of had to be a big deal before you fucking died. It's not like the art world where an artist can get famous after he or she has kicked the paint bucket, you have to be huge before you go...and even then, you have to go while on top of your game. Biting the big one when you're career is sucking on an exhaust just depressing. Dying young is also a qualifier as it leaves the public with a question: What would the music have been like if they had just lived...a little longer. Dying old gets you mentioned in the celebrity obits section of the newspaper. 


The sexy arms of time. 
That think at the bottom...that's time's sexual organ, 
it's called a "clock's vagina".

      Time is a brainless fuck of an answer, but, it still counts. Time has a way of sifting out the turds and leaving the gold. Hundreds of bands come out every year. Some begin, bloom and die in obscurity to be picked over by idiot hipsters striving to be different by shunning legends for...the shit no one gives two fucks about at all. A smaller number of those bands become local phenoms and stun their communities...but, never hit big. A smaller number still go on to hit the national scene but, fade away in a few months or years, later to be recalled on a "where are they now" segment of a local radio station by some asshole dj that sounds like he's in desperate need of a blow job,  right before the traffic report. A tiny number after that...go on to become decade defining bands...the one or two left after this group, transcend all and become legendary, legend awesome bands for infinity. Time sifts through all of that mess for us...we just have to wait and keep listening. Time conquers all...or some such shit. There are a few bands that have used time like a drunken prom date to become fixtures in rock and roll. The did it simply by having kick ass music and playing together for decades. The Grateful Dead is a great example of are The Rolling Stones. Both bands have had a ton of great songs through the years but, their longevity is a large factor in their position in the rock hierarchy. 

Time, prepare to be used by The Rolling Stones. 

So, as I said wwwaaaay up there, I think it is possible to predict who will go on to great, legendary, greatness by using just a few of these qualifiers. I'm using the 90's because...well, it's way the fuck back there now and time has had...time to work it's magic a little. Get it? Oh just keep reading and bitch later. Jesus. One band I think will go on to be immortal is Pearl Jam and Nirvana. Pearl Jam for, what is shaping up to be, longevity and song writing. Nirvana, of course, for Kurt Cobain, who had that knack and he's dead too. Possible runners up that only time will sort out is Soundgarden and maaaaybe Alice In Chains. I mean, Lane Staley died and they did a whole drug album, that's pretty tough shit to beat. Soundgarden because, well, Black Hole Sun, Outshined, Rusty Cage, etc. 

Fuck the Rusty Cage, look at those washboard abs!

      Metallica will no doubt make it as will Pantera. Even though Dimebag died while in Damage Plan. A gun shot to the temple, while on stage...legend. Um, Tupac? Not too sure. Rap is still a youngish genre. Time will have to work it's magic on that for a while. I think that Biggie guy might have it...but, again, the rap game is way different than rock. Though, overall, I think the same rules do or eventually will apply. Well, that's my two cents on the whole thing. Yell at me if you will. I'd tell you to fuck yourself...but, meh...


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