Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sweet Post Apocalyptic Black Friday!

      Greetings from the dead, hollowed out carcass of post-Thanksgiving. I am bloated and internally destroyed by the over enjoyment of roasted bird meat and death harbinging liquor. While I waddle around, half dazed, surveying the carnage that Thanksgiving hath wrought, I smile, awkwardly. Okay, I fart, a god damned lot, then, I smile, awkwardly. It's a long drawn out almost liquidish fart--the kind that, you KNOW is a precursor of things to come. Shitty, shit, shitty things to come. It''s not nor is going to be pretty, is what I'm saying. Alas, I smile afterward...awkwardly. Then, I muse to myself, about what is to come. Not...about the shit. The future after the shit. This bleak post apocalyptic landscape is the perfect backdrop for Christmas decorations. The tree, it's many bulb...ornament things. Man, will those tiny rainbow lights gleam amid the rubble or what! Jesus H. Christ would be proud. Though, slightly confused as to what meaning they hold in accordance to his birthday. Are they stars? Perhaps they represent Jesus's hallucinating? Maybe, they are physical equivalents of the floating lights he saw before a migraine.

Amongst other things...he proooobably had a migraine too.

      I am going to far. Anyone who reads the copious amount of shit I write knows that going to my thing. Mostly, it means I don't know when to stop typing. Right? Fuck yourself. I digress. Thanksgiving now firmly nestled in the bowels of the past, the time has come for the furious hell bent race to the coveted Christmas Day prize. The prize being, financial destitution. This race of blindly spending vast amounts of fat cash begins, oddly enough, the day after Thanksgiving. The day commonly referred to as "Black Friday", which is not in anyway a reference to the day the Emancipation Proclamation was signed nor is it the day disco officially died. It is a day were stores decide to lower their prices to allow the peasantry to spend their hard earned money on normally expensive, electronic, plastic things. Why aren't those electronic plastic things normally priced this low year round?'s painfully obvious you make FAR too much sense to understand the economics of this time of year. As I am a moron, I won't bother explaining it either. Just trust me, the plastic can only be cheap on "Black Friday", because that's the way turkeys and Jesus want it. Do you want to argue with Ben Franklin's national bird and God's sacrificial son? I don't think so. 

You'd betta recognize, motherfucker!

      "Black Friday" and it's undulating masses have swept the land, picking it clean. The people frantically trying to race home--their blood caked finger nails and wild eyed, hurriedly shoving overfilled rattling shopping carts to already overloaded cars. How will that old woman shoe horn a 55" LCD tv into her Prius? It is not your place to ask, for if you do, she will turn on you and in a feat surpassed only by biblical miracles--will consume you--whole. I find it's best to simply back away--slowly. You have no idea how many she has fed on during the shopping/hunt, never under estimate the stomach capacity of a middle aged to elderly shopper in the wild, far too often, a man has misjudged and paid the price...handsomely. Don't be one of them.

They say your eyes are the last thing they devour, 
so you can watch them eat the rest!

      Usually, I am one of those shoppers. Though, I'm not as committed as some. A lot of folks are there hours before the sales start. Unfortunately, I usually have other matters to attend to. For instance this year it was binge drinking and spending 4 solid hours trying to find my feet. I missed it all. This saddens me to no end. There's nothing I derive more satisfaction from, than snatching low priced items from other shoppers ravenous clutches. It's a cheap thrill, I know. Oh, and the younger the better. It's not a win, unless tears are spilled. 

It's hard to hear them over my sinister laughing. 

      No, I missed out. So, I placated myself with stories from the front lines. None of them failed to disappoint. There were pepper sprayings, looting, fighting and sweet, sweet deals! What better way to prepare for the holidays than with a little bloodshed in the name of consumerism. It's what the holiday's are all about! Amid the rubble left behind I relish that thought. This is the time of getting shit we don't actually need--cheap. Oh, and giving later, yeah, sure, that's what it's all for...sure. For right now, the smoldering shelves lay splayed out and bare, the ransacked stores with their dazed clerks and floor staff, pants filled with shit brought on by the horrible sights bestowed upon them by "Black Friday's" demon hordes, this is the time--of getting. What a glorious time of year it is! OOP. Time to power shit. Dammit.

Good god damn. I entire...Chinese baby.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.