Friday, February 3, 2012

4 Things to Do Besides Watch The Fucking Super Bowl

      It's that time of year again, folks! The glorious time, when we shed our misgivings of others and openly binge drink while embracing and celebrating, the horrific culmination of the world's greatest pseudo violent sport! SOCC--no, football. No, not futbol...just plain, testosterone fueled, steroid enhanced, cholesterol lovin' American football. More specifically...the Super Bowl.


or as it's affectionately known: sexy fuckball.

      I and a swatch of like minded individuals, despise the Super Bowl. It's a fruitless endeavor bent on selling products rather than focusing on a game. A child's game. Then again, that's professional sports in general. 

      Which is why, for years, I have petitioned the major networks, unsuccessfully, to finally give the illustrious "gang bang olympics" a fair shake at the table of...sportsdom. Alas, I have yet to receive any reply. Well, the occasional restraining order, but, those don't count (though, they do make a damn fine alternative to gift wrapping paper. Thank you Martha Stewart). One day, people, you'll see, the Super Bowl will be usurped by writhing naked hotness, slapping together to the smooth, mellow sounds of nameless soft rock...for gaudy Jostens rings. Who will you have to thank? ME!...and every other pervert on the planet. 

      Until that illustrious, pornorific day, when the gangbang, enlightens the world to real sportsmanship, I have to suffer with the Super Bowl's strangle hold on entertainment...once a year. I'm not alone however. There are tons of people that loath it just as much as I do. What are we to do? For my fellow sufferers of the Super Bowl of shit, some suggestions...



Start A Nudist Beach!


(insert "floppy" reference here)

      To truly compete with an event like the Super Bowl, you need to think big and outside of the box! I mean, you have to practically, smash the fucking box. You don't get further outside it than, floppy dicks and tits. 

      I know. A lot of you don't own a beach, have access to one, the money to rent one...or are anywhere near one. That's fine. You don't need one! Just have to have a beach themed party! Easy. Besides, people are going to too busy staring at each others genitalia to notice what the fucking theme is anyway. So, dig up a couple of tiki torches, make some alcohol based pineapple drinks and get buck fucking naked. By the time you get around to playing "Spot the Boner" or "Titties: Fake or Real?", you won't be able to pronounce the word Super Bowl, let alone give a shit that it's on. Happy dick hula dancing!



START A RIOT!


(insert Arsenio Hall dog pound cheer here)

      Football is a violent sport, well, as violent as heavily padded multi-millionaires care to get. Regardless, there is a modicum of violence in there...somewhere. So, why not out do the bastards at their own game...so to speak. Fight fire with fire, folks! What better way to combat, heavily regulated pseudo violence, than with non-regulated REAL violence! Shit, fucking, YEAH! Gather a few friends for a friendly match of flipping cars and burning shit. It's going to be slow going at first...until the first squad car arrives. Then, the party really begins. 

      Amid the tear gas and cries of pain, brought on by overzealous police wielding night sticks of rage justice, you'll get a sense that...the Super Bowl is for pussies. Later, after the riot has swollen in numbers (due, in part, to Super Bowl driven alcohol consumption, shitty half-time show and fan rage), things will really get lively. There will be bodies on fire, incoherent combinations of laughing, yelling, screaming and sirens, not to mention pop corn. Among the ruined rabble of people and charred city remains, you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Oh, and don't forget to loot!



CRANK CALLING.


HI MOM!

      Crank/prank calling you say? "How the fucking fuck is that supposed to "out do" the Super Bowl?! Staple your own dick to your face, Elton, you stupid fucking jack-asstic fuck hole fuck!"--, you say? Well, sure, it is a bit juvenile. However, if the content of the adult related content, you might appreciate the fun to be had. How about, prank calling the police with random "bank robbery using dildos in progress" calls or "There's a man wearing a Howard The Duck costume, flashing his dick at my mannequins at the mall! Do something!". Hell, why stop there? Do some "threaten an elected official with unmitigated prostate examination results" crank calling. 

      Again, it's all about thinking outside of the box. Getting shit faced helps a lot with that. Original thought seems to flow pretty freely with cheap wine and malted hops. Whatever gets your creative juices flowing...or thinned out...or tanked. Originality is always a key factor when doing things like this. 

      Just stay away from ordering an ass load of pizza to shit head's Super Bowl party. Why? Well, it's been done, a million fucking times, asshole. I mean, that market is flooded. You'd be competing with every 13 year old with a dare and a cell phone. Plus, the awkward "what the fuck is this shit?!" moment you're hoping to instigate probably won't happen, as the dick stain whoever, probably ordered pizza for his dick stain Super Bowl bullshit anyway. Your prank would fall on deaf...dick stained ears. So, fight your temptation to pizza bomb your ball sack faced nemesis and roll with something off beat. I'm talking, placing an order for a tranny stripper territory. Now, that's a fuck the Super Bowl move if ever there was one. Nice.

DOOR TO DOOR JESUS.


What this has to do with door to door salesman, 
I don't know...but, thank you Google Images.

      The streets are devoid of people Super Bowl Sunday. All of their whining noises and constant screaming confined safely behind closed doors. Everyone and their decrepit, ugly mother is glued to the Super Bowl, stuffing themselves with chips, burgers and team pride. What's a non-football loving mother fucker to do? Nude beach parties, rioting and crank calling politicians with dick threats aren't your cup 'o tea? That's fine, there are alternatives. Perhaps, you want to do something more positive with your Super Bowl protest time. Collect stamps? Masturbate? Both at the same time? Maybe you have a higher purpose in mind...some might say, a higher calling...inner voices?...insanity? Why not spread THAT around? 

      What better way to eradicate the blight on humanity that is the Super Bowl, that with a little door to door do good...ery. Nothing says brotherly love like, warm hearted judgement and persecution. Load up on books, pamphlets, buttons and flyers proclaiming your devout belief in whatever and take to the streets! You don't really need flyers and shit to do it, really. Just go in your favorite Cheeto stained blue jeans and your best "My Little Pony" shirt. You'll fit right in! Now, knock on every  fucking door you can find. It'll be easy pickings, because their Bowl lovin' asses are all home! It's practically a captive audience. Knock-knock the fuck out of those houses.Your efforts will not only be appreciated but, commended. Mostly for the circumference but, also, sheer magnitude of brass balls you seem to be carrying around...in your pants...like testicles. 


I don't get it.


      Notice that I didn't say, "Go pimp your finest Jesus wares..." or "Knock on doors like those dirty Bible thumpers...", you politically correct fuck heads. Don't get me wrong, it's not out of decency or even consideration of others, frankly, it's because it's too fucking easy. Besides, knocking on doors and annoying the shit out of people isn't limited to religion any way. Ask an old school vacuum cleaner salesmen or those milf humping milkmen. So, go and hock whatever you feel, absolutely guilt free! This is for you and your entertainment deprived suffering!Your own mental well being is at stake. If anything, you can always knock on doors and when they answer, simply say..."My real balls...are better than footballs.", then, give them a  nipple twist and run...because, fuck the Super Bowl.

2 comments:

  1. I always thought the Superbowl was a large ceramic dish that Americans worshipped. I've learned something today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I pride myself on the fact that in all my 27 years, I have never actually watched the Super Bowl. Not even a couple minutes of a Super Bowl. :D Mainly because if I'm going to sit down and watch a sport, I'm going to sit down and watch a REAL sport, like hockey or rugby.
    Although I spend yesterday watching a Law & Order SVU marathon.
    Sex crimes > Super Bowl

    Watch yourself with that confectioners sugar. One's containers of baking ingredients and drugs should always be clearly labeled.

    ReplyDelete

Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.