Friday, May 4, 2012

X, Y and Z are for Xesturgy, Yare and Zanyism

      The polishing of one's craft, including comedy, is a laborious and difficult thing. People spend years working and evolving...on...whatever in the hell craft they're involved in. You have to be adventurous, inventive and your own worst critic. It's good to have add a large helping of "asshole" in too.

      Everyone thinks they practically shit gold, so, when they create something, their expectations of it's quality are somewhere between genius and "fuck you that's why".. The unfortunate reality, however, often hovers somewhere near beer fart in quality. If you want to get better at something, it has to be accepted that, you, in most respects, suck ass.

Oh, come on now. I left out the "you're also ugly" part. 
I could have totally said that, but, I'm not that kind of person.

      Spies (it's called "trade craft"), acting (it's called "acting") and messianic insanity ranting (it's called "religion") are all examples of crafts that must be perfected, via practice. Achieving the ultimate success within a craft is paramount. Being funny is no different, though far less enjoyable than messianic muttering and less fulfilling than serial killing for that matter. So, for all of you trying to hone your comedy prowess into a sharp stick of awesomely funny stab power, may I present a few things for you to work on...

A fish, a rabbi and a--shit, no, no wait...uh...wait. 
One of them pees on a gerbil. Does that sound right?



      Timing is everything, so they say and comedy, in it's essence, is all about timing. Timing? Are you fucking kidding me? Easy, right? Somebody rips a fart and you chime in with a "My, isn't our asshole chatty today!" line and BOOM, the roar of laughter and applause deafens unwitting bystanders into retardation. Simple enough. Next!

      You'd be amazed at how awful people are at timing. Imagine you walk in on your roommate and he or she is wiping down their naked body down with a bunch of BK Broilers while watching Pee Wee's Playhouse. The situation is ripe for comedy and you drop the fucking ball with a hasty exit. People do it all the time! What they lack unfortunately is speed in the execution and spotting the funny situation. The window of the "comedic sweet spot" is only so big.

How to work on it!

      Here is a way to build up that precious speed and timing. First, observe a high traffic walking area, specifically in a public place. Try a mall or museum they work great. Make sure there is an adjacent seat (i.e. bench, planter, etc.). Next, spill some slippery substance along that walk area. Finally, watch people fall, while peppering them with humorous comments. You'll know you have it right, when the gathered crowd turns from horrified and repulsed to teary eyed laughter factories. Sooooo easy.

Farts and "The Pee Pee"

Nothing says "class" ass.

      Never let it be said that the world is unappreciative of a good fart joke. I am a firm believer that the Pope wouldn't be so uptight if someone told him a couple dick and fart jokes everyday. Dick and fart jokes are a great comedy stand by. Every great comedian uses and has their own take on them but, it's still dick and fart comedy, through and through. I think dick and fart jokes may have skewed a death row verdict or two as well. The jury is still out on that. HA, get it? Jury! I kill me...or at least tried a few times. I was lonely, the gun was there, the store was out of Shasta. Don't judge me.

How to work on it!

      Farting is no easy chore. It takes commitment. Buy a few cheap bean and cheese burritos and hammer them down for lunch. Problem solved. As for genital jokes, buy a cucumber. Shove said cucumber down the front of your pants. Instant dick. I know what you might be thinking, "But Elton, I'm a girl! Girls don't have dicks, you brain damaged, drool mouthed tard!". My response is, WHO CARES? Chicks with dicks are even MORE hilarious! Show me a woman with a humongous, cucumber shaped schlong in their pants and I'll show you a comedy gold mine!...or...a tranny party. Regardless. After your burrito binge and cucumber swelled crotch, on with the jokes. Suggested jokes: "Whoa, did you hear that? It sounded like an air raid warning at a shit convention!", "Did someone just fart or start to play jazz?" and "Check out my HUGE dick!" (again, it works best for women).

The Put Down

...oh, and your dog died because God hates you. Cheers!

      Nothing says "class" like a well executed put down. It's an art form in itself and just as well conceived. It's also the most instantly gratifying of all comedic arts. You'll know you've done it right if the other person is either crying or has been publicly ostracized. Oh, and it's great at parties.

      A "put down" is pointing out the short comings of others for comedic purposes. It's also the leading cause of spontaneous spewing of drinks and shitting at the same time (undocumented of course). The "put down" is a highly effective means of not only demonstrating your dazzling, lightning fast wit, but, trouncing a would be heckler as well.

How to work on it!

      Waiting around for someone to insult you can take forever. I suggest being proactive! Everyone has a smart ass in their lives. Be it a co-worker, snide neighbor or antagonistic, asshole kid who delivers papers in a manner that must involve hurling them with his ass cheeks...and does anyone hold that kid responsible? Noooo...yelling does no good, the shit ends up under the car anyway, because a spoiled good for nothing prick doesn't underst--uh...I digress. 

      Find your pre-designated asshole and start a word fight! Suggested remarks: "It's a shame there is no medication to correct stupidity or I'd tell you to up your dosage.", "You're the kind of person people that people drink liquor to forget." and "Your Mama."

      Though there are many, many aspects to the craft of "being funny", these three things are enough to work on for now. Any more would involve angering the comedy gods, invoking the Kracken and discovering that 90% of celebrities are hermaphrodites, I don't think you're ready for that. Working on the tips above will increase your "comedic speed", "funny dynamics" and a ton of other made up abilities. It also improves your physical reflexes ( for dodging heavy/light objects thrown your way). 

      Polishing your craft, be it comedy or otherwise, is an endlessly beneficial endeavor. You'll enjoy it, your potential audience will enjoy it and the police that inevitably get involved might enjoy it too. As you get better, you'll want to push your talent and craftmanship...ness even further. Just don't ever push it to include sex with animals. Never sex with animals...ever


  1. Well done on finishing the A-Z challenge!

    My philosophy is that comedy can always be better. You'd be surprised at how long I spend deliberating over word usage, trying to find the funniest word for the situation. Then, after hours of agonising over the most hilarious sentence structure, I'll end up leaving a typo in there that I won't spot for days. Bah!

    1. I do the same thing! Well, that and drive myself into a deep depression filled with pain, agony and ill prepared cookies. Anything for the funny.

  2. The only chicks with dicks I've seen, are the ones on 'Big Ass She-males,' which was not only a comedy classic but one of the most subliminal movies of our times...or was that The Italian Job? I get the two mixed up.

    Great ending to the A-Z Challenge Elton.

    1. Thank you, thank you, lovely lady. My last A to Z post was either going to be this or Xenophobic, Yiddish Zebras. I went with the one that made the least amount of sense.

      As for chicks with dicks...I think they were in both of those movies. I believe one was a little more stealthy in hiding said "chicks with dicks", the other was blatantly obvious. I mean, Marky Mark? Could there be a bigger chick...with a dick?

  3. That's the problem with comedy. There's only a brief window of opportunity to get in your say before the subject moves on. In order to drown out anyone that may interupt, I usually yell the extremely obscene joke, startling all bystanders and usually resulting in apologies to elderly women.

    Congrats on finishing the A to Z Challenge!

    1. Thank you very much, my friend. I also applaud you on your comedic prowess. Shouting obscene jokes is a testament to your intestinal fortitude. If the old ladies are offended, just remark on how much they "got around" when their hair wasn't so blue. They usually blush with mouths agape at that. More importantly...they shut the hell up!


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