Sex Stabbing for Satan

      Strange things are afoot at Circle K...er...Craigslist. The normally normal site where you can find just about anything, from free shit...to shit that should be free, has taken a turn for the "fucked ups". Not that, that is any different from what usually goes on on Craigslist, just a little further up the weird rectum of the internet. Have you checked that fucking site out lately? It's like watching a priest teaching a sex-ed class. You know that on the whole it's tech talk and clinical, but, your mind can't seem to get past the weirdness of it being a priest talking about fucking. I mean, there's a whole section devoted to people, searching for people, they saw once, for a few seconds. You know what that's called? Terrifying. There's a reason those people didn't talk to you the first time around. It's probably because you looked at them like this...

I will leave you a message on Craiglist, my sweet. 

See you soon.

      A large portion of Craigslist, that doesn't involve convincing people to buy your trash, seems largely devoted to finding transvestites...to break dance battle with. Can you believe...What? Ohhhhh...you thought I was trolling Craigslist looking for tranny hookers or something? What the fuck is wrong with you? You're fucked up. Hell no. I have an insatiable need to feed on the blood of the defeated. How do I lay waste (competitively, not defecation) to perpetrators? By slaying them with my dope B-Boy breakin' skills. Don't believe me? Well, why don't you just come down and I'll...alright, I can't keep that up...No, I looked for tranny hookers but, was unable to agree on a workable price agreement. Transvestites are WAY out of my price range.

Besides, they'll never live up to the gold 

standard of cross dressers: High Tower.

      Among the curbside trash and hot male for male action on Craigslist there is another story altogether. It was while roaming around the internet, not looking at porn. Seriously, can you believe that? I think my dick might be broken. I have started to read economics text books and crocheting to fill the time, that would otherwise be filled with copious amounts of internet sexiness. Anyway, I came across some ball shrinking craziness in the form of multiple stabbings during sex. "What the fuck, Elton?!" you say, to which I say, "Yes. Multiple stabbings during sex.". I know you're curious...so, I'll tell you it was 300 stabs. So, now, if you ever needed a reason NOT to try and bone someone from Craigslist, you have 300 of them. Oh, and get this...it was for Satan. Because when you think Satan, you immediately think of sex stabbing. Satan's kind of particular that way, when it comes to sexual rites performed in his name.

Aaaay, I'm fine with jest watchin'

      The freak sex to which I am referring was one performed on a tied up 18 year old guy by two un-hot women. It started as any proper love story starts, with a horny man looking for a threesome. As, any irrational, sexually frustrated, moronic basement dweller would, he turned to the internet to find one. While surfing around (ah, remember when they used to call it surfing, instead of just...Facebook?), he went to Craigslist looking for free pussy. Well, he certainly found it, in the form of two homely Satanic bitches looking to stab fuck somebody. Though, he didn't know it at the time. He just knew they were down for some sweet threesome like boning. So, they tied him up and started doing him. Oh, and stabbing him repeatedly during the process. They kept at it for two days, fucking while stabbing him, before he managed to get away. I know there's a lot of confusion about this, especially regarding the younger readers, allow me to clarify, fucking should never involve stabbing. If at any point it does...you're doing it wrong. Way, way, way...waaaay fucking wrong. Stop. Drop (i.e. shit your pants)...and RUN! Got it? 

Class dismissed, you crazy fuck stabbers.

      So, as with all stories about insane, sexually deviant, Satanic rites, there is a lesson to be learned. If you should ever find yourself awake, in the dead of night...boner/vagina raging and you want to quell the situation with some random, Craigslist, stranger fucking, remember that sex stabbing Satanists are real. They are alive and crazy on Craigslist. Don't try to sort through the who's who of sexual dysfunction on Craigslist, just assume all of them want to poke you with sharp objects while you get it on...for Satan. I'm saying this to the more traditional set among us. I fully understand that there exists among us groups of nice, wholesome Americans that get their cum jollies while being incised with sharp metal, that's fine. If you're not hurting anyone, other than you or other people consenting, to being stabbed, whilst fucking, go at it. Mutilate hump your way into the morgue...for Satan. Dumb ass.

Poor bastard died happy. 

Freshly fucked and stabbed repeatedly in the ass. 

God bless..er...Satan bless-em'

Fucked By A Red Box...TWICE!

      I have been renting movies for a long fucking time. Too long it would seem. In that long fucking time, I have run across my fair share of complete and total shit. Yet, for every steamy horse turd I watch, every once in a while, I run across some fairly goodly good movies. So, in the spirit of sharing and angst, I try to pass on the good movies to other people via suggestions like,"You should definitely check this one out...it's got tits in it!", or "This gritty, urban, drama thriller is a sure fire, edge of your seat, thrill ride that's guaranteed to knock your socks off, oh, and it's got tits!". I also tell you about the bad movies with opinions like, "The only tits in this movie belonged to guys...shirtless, fat, disgusting, men." and,"Unless you completely devalue your sense of self worth, dignity and intelligence quotient, skip this piece of shit. Oh, and no tits!". Every once in a while, I like to tell you about a few of the good and bad movies I watch, just so you know that the guy writing this...isn't CONSTANTLY jerking off. I have some modicum of self respect.

That was the word of the day at Porn Addicts Anonymous.

      So, without further ado. I'll skip straight into the shit I pulled from the massive heapy shit pile of wreckage, that once called itself a Red Box. Okay, maybe not wrecked but, it should have been. I'd blow it up if it didn't appeal to my sense of cheapness. I still can't believe they raised the prices on their rentals. Ah, well, it could be worse. I could have seen these whiffs of fart stank in an actual theater. Holy shit. I would have tit punched the pop corn girl just to make it worth the money and be thrown out! I digress. Movie number one or as I like to call it:

RED BOX DUMP  #1

"Green Lantern"

Will the Green Lanterns who don't suck, please raise your hands.

     This movie was boring all the way to the point where Ryan Reynolds was fighting the dread lock fear monster. That's at the end. Shit. Did I just spoiled that for you? Don't worry, the minute you start watching this movie, you'll know immediately what's going to happen at the end. I promise. There will be no surprises...except the horse faced fish Green Lantern. He was a surprise, but, not a good one. Up until the dread lock fear monster, it just sucked balls, boring balls. Not the awesome kind that you see in porno flicks, where the guy looks like he's contorting in some kind of ecstasy slathered in happiness. No. I'm talking about actual ball sucking. The kind where you contort with pain so severe and intense, you want to sever your own spine to make it stop. Honestly, I try to go into every comic book movie with a completely open mind. I do this out of bad experience. Meaning, my experiences with comic book movies...usually suck, like a blow job with teeth. You know, you start with high expectations and soon, you have to let those go, in hopes of stopping the flow of pain that's grating across your genitalia. This movie was no different. The thing is...I really wanted it to be good. I read comics growing up. In the land of comics, Green Lantern was always one of the fringe kind of characters. He wasn't mainstream. Well, to me anyway, he was kind of a cult character. So, I was rooting for the underdogness of it. That crapped out quickly, when I started becoming so bored with the movie, I started picking out the flaws. Shit like, well, the ring is only limited by your imagination. So, why the fuck was Ryan Reynolds imagination limited to shit he saw earlier in the day? I mean, he imagines jets...in space. What the fuck is wrong with him? It could have been drastically better. Though, if you're looking for saving graces, the movie does have a lot of bright colors, numerous explosions and a mostly nude Ryan Reynolds at one point. If you're in the market for shit like that, then, this is up your...alley. 

They saved his nipples for the unrated versio

So, rent it or buy it for the latent homosexual, frat boy friend or family member in your life to salivate over today!

RED BOX DUMP #2

"Transformers 3: Dark of The Moon"

This time...they fuck!

      I rented this thinking maybe there would be a Pink Floyd reference at some point. Turns out, I should have just listened to Pink Floyd instead. Let me start by saying, I like Transfomers. I played with them as a kid, I watched that fucking cartoon religiously and I have and maybe always will, like the characters. Hell, hearing Optimus Prime's voice alone almost makes me grit my teeth and fist pump the air, as a reflex action. Thank god for the years I spent in therapy to quell that fucking urge. Now I only do it 12 times quietly, before I can go to sleep.For a while there, I was almost a complete fucking loser. No, no wait...I still am...just with less Optimus induced fist pumping. Regardless, this movie, like the other movie, also sucked testicle. Why, with my professed over love of the Transformers would I think that? Well, I just couldn't over look the glaring stupidity of it. Plus, it makes the Autobots look like overly parental, deranged, murderous assholes! 

Let the destruction of one of your cities and 

the deaths of thousands be a lesson to you.

      Okay, so, the moon thing...kind of retarded. You'd think the Autobots would have detected some of their shit being lodged in the moon's ass earlier. I mean, they're robots...er...living metal...beings...with parts...they're transformers! You'd think they would have figured out how to make a homing device by now. When Optimus came round the first time, the Autobot/Decepticon Battle Royale, made it's Earth debut some kind of bell would have went off on that hulk of exo-skeletal car part...body of his. Alas, no. They are oblivious to the shit. Hey, alright, we'll let that one slide. The other thing is far more disconcerting. The part where the Autobots let the human race twist in the wind. For what reason? To teach humanity a lesson. Yeah, the great goodly Autobots, decide it would be in humanities best learning interest, to let the Decepticons perform some wholesale murder and destruction on their asses. Thanks, Optimus. Next time, maybe you can demonstrate child safety for us by crushing the heads of a few infants. Nothing says, "Message received loud and clear!" than everyone screaming and or dying. Talk about a tough love approach. It's a shame most of the people in the streets never got to hear the punch line to this hilarious, "We told you so!", zoinks story. They were caught up in the vaporizing death rays to make it that far. Good things? The movie on the whole was flashy as usual. There's a scene where you get to see an obviously CGI Shia LeBeouf get yanked around like a dog playing with a sock. Other than that...it had the same feel as the other two...which was lame. Again, if you like explosions and people putting on tough guy faces and hero posing, this is the shit for you. Rent away!

Oh, and no Megan Fox. Sorry, boners.

20 Kids and What The Fuck!?

      Remember when educational television was limited to wild haired Muppets, screaming about letters and that Master Piece Theater shit, we would run into late at night, while stoned and looking for cartoons. Educational television has a lot of strange fucking shows these days. There are shows about gun nuts, that build guns for other gun nuts. There are shows about people driving on hazardous roads that aren't even fit for prostitution. Shows about sisters, that are wives, that are married to their brother. That last one I'm just guessing at. I refuse to watch shows about incest. Though, there is one that involves family that isn't remotely sexual, but, still deeply insane. It involves a couple of rednecks that don't know how to NOT fuck...a lot. 

We fuck in the name of the lord!

      The red necks in question are 'The Duggars'. They're the family with the ever expanding line up. That meaning...they are constantly shitting out Duggars. They're doing it, I'm assuming, to fulfill, a blood pact made with a zealot church, for demonic purposes. Oh, and they have a reality show called "(INSERT EVER INCREASING NUMBER HERE) Kids and Counting". This bizarre tribe of right wing, super Christians is expecting another child to augment their growing army of Duggar Avengers. An army whose sole mission is to take down the Yakuza, as it attempts to infiltrate and corrupt middle america. Okay. I added that last part. Though, they are expecting another mouth to feed. What they'll feed that mouth is anyone's guess. This "happy accident" will bring the litter's count up to twenty. Twenty kids is a lot of hunger to quell. My theory is that they'll feed the new one...some of the old decrepit Duggars. Call it a "trimming of the fat", in red neck fashion. Only the strong and least literate will survive. Those that don't make the Aryan-Christian endurance challenge...will be fed...whole...to the younger Duggars. This will continue, until the family is pared down to a super race of Bible thumping, ultra, hill billies. Roaming the land, they will force ill-read Psalms and bible verses upon the public. A public who will listen...or will die. This will be brought to you with limited commercial interruption on TLC. Ha hahaha...huh?

Mother and daughter modelling blood 

splatter goggles to be worn during "the feeding".

      Alright, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? We aren't ball deep in an agricultural society anymore. People used to bang out a heap of kids 200 years ago, to ensure that at least one healthy kid would survive to adulthood. That's why people back then had 20 kids. It wasn't to fulfill some misguided sense of faith. It was because medicine back then came in two forms: grain alcohol or blunt force, that's all! It was a different society back then. A bonus of having an ass load of kids meant, more hands to work the farm, not more hands to...read Bibles. I struggle with the notion that these people have all these kids, to try and assuage a fear, that God will somehow punish them for not making more Duggars. I'll admit, there are times that I think God is indeed present, ready to strike. Still there are others when I feel God is watching with a kind whimsical eye. It might even be described as a miraculous eye. Like, when, Ground Hog Day and Die Hard play back to back on a channel without commercial interruption...I believe it's the lord's divine gift. Never once, however, have I received any divine warning of hell fire and damnation when buying a three-pack of Trojans at the gas station. Never.

Don't drive angry, indeed.

      I think the Duggars should have been "wrappin' the one eye snake with a jizz guard" after the first 10. I say ten because...well, the father's name is Jim Bob, for fuck's sake. What Jim Bob doesn't need some kind of assurance of his own humanity. Kids fill that void. Any man named Jim Bob, needs that void filled. 10 kids should do it. His name is Jim Bob for god's sake. JIM BOB! Holy shit. God however is fine with you using a rubber. He wouldn't have bestowed man with the knowledge to create "the cock raincoat" for nothing. Crapping out kids should not be a testament to one's faith in God. It just shows that you don't understand the finer points of "pulling out". Fuck. Can someone tell me why no one has showed these people that film, that demonstrates how to use a condom? Was it...uh...I think it was..."Debbie Does Dallas...Safely". Regardless, it's too late now. Now, they have numerous daughters, who have it in their heads, that the best way to spend your time is pregnant. Okay, wait, that's not to say that they don't instill some kind of women empowerment for these girls. It wouldn't be prudent to teach your Aryan army that submission is an admirable trait. I'm just saying, these poor kids are going to venture out into a world were kids are made in moderation. Can you imagine one of the Duggar clan finding a girl or guy and...off hand hoping she/he is willing to crap out 20 kids? I can't calculate the amount of punches to the groin they would receive.

Would you like to discuss Jesus and having 20 kids together?

      Those poor kids are going to make their way into a world they're drastically under prepared for. Well, as far as modern socially accepted breeding capacities are concerned, anyway. Then, again, who knows. Maybe all of them will someday view their parents wholesale child production as a one off fluke. They'll come visit Grandpa Jim Bob (holy shit) and Grandma...whatever, with their ONE kid and everything will dissolve into a nice family discussion about Jesus, the growing "negro" problem and the New White World Order. I'm sure all of their ilk will turn out just fine. That is until they rise up against the rest of us, as the battle ready army they covertly are. Then, the world will kneel in reverence of the almighty Duggar War Machine! The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers. Prepare to pray, motherfuckers. 

Meet your future oppressors.

Neighbors: What The Shit Do They Want?

      Yesterday, I and my neighbor had a spat. They, more or less, accused my humble canine of urinating repeatedly on their doorstep. I, of course, rebutted the accusation with a firm but, calm, "Fuck yourself, testicle licking shit bag.". I, am not one for flippant and belligerent finger pointing. Which I emphasized by flipping them off and threatening to knuckle punch their grandmother. A woman, whom I respect greatly for having conferred, personally, with Jesus, lived through the crusades and black plague and managed to become a bitch. Most notably she's also earned the title of "steamy pile of cunt" from the local chamber of commerce. After, said confrontation, I retreated back to my homestead to fume and also, bask in the glory of scathing, witty blows which were deftly executed by me. Also, I found myself pondering the very nature of "neighbor". I knew not, these people's names. Yet, there I was embroiled in a full on argument with them. This was my only interaction with them and it was brought on by "urination accusation". Which by the way, they were mistaken, for I was the one peeing on their door. The only defense I can offer is they are obnoxious, especially after a bottle and a half of Mexico's finest Tequila. I was drunk. Which, as I have explained before, isn't a valid excuse. What I did was inexcusable. From now on, I'll just stick to shitting. I promise.

See, a sorry face crafted with my own dump. 

What...uh...this means, It means I care. The title?

Shit face sorry? Face sorry shit? You decide.

      Why don't we know our neighbors? Are they dangerous? I mean, other than building shoddy meth labs in their basements. Probably not. Is it a belief that we, as individuals, should be autonomous? If that were true, who would do all the door pissing? It would be insane to pee on your own door step. Are we animals whizzing on our own domiciles? What has happened to the world? Some believe it to be a show of affluence, to ignore your neighbors. Like, we're better than those sorry bastards that live next door. They smell like door shit and look like trolls. This of course, isn't true. Well, I hope it's not. I think on some primal level we realize we all live in the same shitty neighborhood. Are you better than the whiny, ass monkey next door? No. We're all here and we're all queer. No. Wait. Not all queer, but, I'm assuming some of...okay...let me refine that: "We're all here and some of us (who are not me) are in fact queer.". That totally fucked up that sweet rhyme scheme. Dammit. 

I'm taking a survey: Here? Queer? or...both?

I'll put you down both...sexy.

      Today, we live among strangers in our own midst. It shouldn't be this way. It would be beneficial to you to go out and meet with these fellow neighborhoodians. I am speaking to the more adventurous among us to reach out, of course. I myself am terrified of human interaction to the point of being social retarded. My interactions, with other people, have deteriorated significantly over the years. Now, I believe when spoken to directly, my responses have been reduced to grunts, low growls and South Park quotes spoken out of context. All of which are followed with an awkward smile and a thrusting of my pelvis to accent my genitalia. This is a show of respect, no? I have never had clarification,  as whomever I've tried to "speak" with, has run away in abject horror...screaming. That reaction means "have a great day", yes? Ehh...I didn't think so. Damnit. Now I'll never be voted "King of The Neighborhood Watch". What? No kings? Then, what the fuck did those people want?

Uh..."Just like the victims of breast cancer there's something I'd like to get off my chest"

...pelvic thrust...GENITALS!

      So, go and talk to your neighbors, people. They're mostly harmless, I assure you. I know, because I observe them quietly from in between partially opened curtains, with binoculars. They seem nice. Rarely to they flail their appendages and fling their shit around. I think you'd like them. Bake a cake and take it over, start a conversation about "damned politicians" and how they run things into grounds. You'll smile, they'll smile and all will be right with the world. Then, when the time comes to defend yourselves against the unwashed immigrant hordes (Which, I am assured by the conservatives, are arriving any day.), you'll have partners with which to defend your scrappy, rough and tumble swath of land. If worse comes to worse, at the very least they'll be around to trip up and be used as a human buffer. A buffer for the barbarians to consume, as you make your escape. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

You look slow and weak. Would you like to be friends, neighbor?