Wednesday, May 1, 2013

3 Weird Ways The Internet Taught Me To Reduce Stress

      Unfortunately, my life fucking sucks at the moment. I can't seem to get ahead in anything. My blog is lagging like a freshly bombed marathon runner, I have no plausible career outside of begging for change and I have almost instant b.o...right out of the shower. Life has definitely taken a down turn.

      This, coupled with all the fucking stress,  I'd consider leaning on a booze crutch for a little "self medicating", if I wasn't already doing it for fun. Short of a constant blow job and millions of dollars to buy my way out of stress and crimes, I have run out of ideas. I am constantly looking for relief. Thank God for the internet and it's millions of...stress reduction techniques. Here are a few I found that I thought were just too stupid not to try. 

 3. Hide a Toy in Your Pocket 

This is what I chose...just so if anyone asked...
I could say there was a ninja in my pocket. Literally.

      This is quite possibly the dumbest fucking thing I've ever read on the internet. I'm including myself, Justin Bieber having "sex appeal" and pictures of cats making fart jokes in that statement. Okay, wait, the dumbest far. Until cats start telling fart jokes about a bird chested Justin Beiber, it's number one.

 The stress reducing idea, is to cram a small toy in your pocket. That's it. Literally...that's god damned it. Supposedly, you're supposed to forget about the toy and at some point, and during a fit of stress so deep, you're cutting yourself under your desk while picturing everyone impaled on pikes, you're supposed to say, "What the fucking fuck is poking me in my dick!?!". You reach in your pocket, have yourself a hearty, child like chuckle and remind yourself to not take life so mother fucking seriously. 

Well. Fuck that. I threw it at a lady walking past our building. Hard. I laughed.

2. Nuts -- Eat Nuts!

Pictured: Not the nuts you were hoping for.

      The idea here is to physically crunch something with your teeth, in an effort to vent frustration.
What it actually does, is make you look like a fucking lunatic, grinding and gnashing what others believe to be the bones of the last person that questioned your rage. This isn't an idea that fits well within the confines of employment and not terrifying everyone. 

      I was somewhat amused, however, when I spit small nut chunks at the lady I threw the toy at. It's her fault she didn't wait for me to stop chewing when she started flinging pissed off words like, 'What the fuck is wrong with you"'s at me. It was my fault that I didn't intend on stopping when I answered.

1. Shake it out!

Not that kind of shake Google images. 
Just stick to the random breast pictures, 
you're trying too hard.

      At this point, I had almost have lost the will to go on. If it weren't for masturbation, watching pirated movies on line and masturbation, I'd be even worse than I am now. None of this shit was working. Despite this...downward spiral into a stress filled cesspool, I still possessed the faculties to rouse an interest in a solution. Albeit, unconventional, I read that "shaking it out" is a great stress reducer. I figured, I'd give one more thing a try.

      Clenching my fists and teeth while causing my body to hum like an out of control vibrator did very little for alleviating stress. It did go a long way toward diffusing the hostility directed at me by my supervisor. He showed up to converse about an angry lady, covered in nut chunks, complained to him about having a toy hurled at her. 

      Without answering anything, I stood there, brow furrowed, shaking violently giving him a thousand yard stare. It appeared that all of his accusatory, angry statements had left him at the moment, as had the lady's. Actually, their faces transitioned from puzzlement to concern, then fear. I was told to calm down several times and they backed out of the door, never looking away. 

Phew. Crisis averted. 

      This stress reducing shit doesn't help one lick of a tit, but, it sure can get you out of a lot of trouble. Food for thought...and fun, when stress gets you's best to just get red faced and throw things. Apparently, everything I learned about relieving stress...I learned in kindergarten. Who knew?

1 comment:

  1. Well,seems U learned to deal with stress some what,in new ways,came a long way from Hurling ur body at others when U were stressed in Kindergarten!Hmmmmmmm....


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