Wednesday, May 29, 2013

How Much Are YOU Worth To The Internet?

      The grand ol' question, asked by any self important, narcissistic, stupid person, since the beginning of time: "What am I really worth to people?". This being the Internet and the home of, not only memes, but, narcissism, you can find out exactly how much you're worth! It turns out...not a lot actually.

Told Me My Twitter worthless. 

Little known fact: The Twitter bird shits money.

      I'll admit, I'm not the most articulate person in the world. I say dick and fuck far too much to be eligible for any prize above "least likely to have had sex", regarding recognition by others. However, isn't what I say worth anything? Sure, I Tweet things a drunken child would scoff at, but, still. 

      Is that so bad? As it turns out the sound of asking a question like that is usually answered by the universe with a resounding "FUCK YES!". 

      Regardless, when I found a site that would tell me how much my Twitter account was worth, I thought, "Surely it's worth more than two packs of cigarettes and a picture with a tranny!". As it happens, the picture with a tranny put me over the limit. I'm only worth, $13 bucks!. It's like, two packs of cigarettes. Shitty cigarettes at that. I couldn't buy my way out of a prison rape with them. Though, I could get an extra cupcake, come dinner time. Decisions, decisions. 

According to
this blog is a shitty used car


      I like blogging. A great deal in fact. It's a creative release, that allows me to vent about the world in a way, that doesn't involve the need to melt my finger prints. I kinda like that, as finger print melting takes time. Time I could be using to hate everything. 

      Alas, when I believed that surely my empire of moronic ramblings might be worth more than a K-Mart flier. A K-Mart flier with half off beer and pregnancy test's coupon, no less, I was shamed into reality by the internet and it's self worth judging apparatus. The horror of course is that, by whatever reasoning they choose to use, this blog is worth about $600. Which, as we all know, is just enough to buy a night of sweet loving with the world's oldest prostitute. No complimentary back shave though. For her I mean. believes I should pay them!


      If you haven't noticed already, which, I'm sure you haven't, I lost my domain. It was my own fault really. I didn't fully understand that a year was 365 days and I should renew it after that time. I thought a year meant, ...whenever I got around to it. 

So, it lapsed and I thought I would renew it...after they held it for 45 days. Wanting to skip the $180 buy back seemed a pretty frugal proposition at the time, saying as I'm a poster boy for poverty. 

I waited. I checked...and waited some more. Apparently, 45 days to a domain registrar is three months. 

      Recently, I assumed enough time had passed that I could re-buy my domain for the cheap $10 fee. I look it up...and low and behold, I come to find that the illustrious bought my domain. Why? It says it's a "premium" name. What the fuck? Alas, they want $380. So, like any rational person who has had their Internet identity stolen, I will choose the .net version. Because fuck GoDaddy and it's gorgeous titties. 


  1. It's a harrowing business, putting your whole life into monetary values. I like to measure my self worth in litres of seminal fluid I have excreted, but apparently the bank don't want to cash it.

    Still, $600 doesn't seem so bad.

    1. There's always...(wait for it)...the sperm bank. This is where the rim shot and splash of a cymbal come in. Don't be afraid, it's tradition!

      I will admit, $600 isn't all that bad, but, if I sold out..I'd just have to start all over...and sell out again. I don't know if my rabidly obscure fan base would follow me on my repeated sell outs. I'd have no "punk cred". Not that I have any now, but, my ability to accumulate it at such a date that it might become available would be greatly hindered.

      I'm caught between my adolescent need to vent angst and apathy and moderate monetary gains. My head will detonate in 5 seconds.

  2. $600 sounds pretty good to me. I don't think my blog would be worth much more than a 1-ply roll of toilet paper.

    But, it looks like I'm never going with GoDaddy, despite their glorious models.

    1. Indeed, sir. I sent them a follow up email stating that in exchange for my illustrious domain, I only ask a half hour with their top model. They have yet to reply. I remain hopeful.


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