Thursday, October 31, 2013

2 Halloween Crimes The Police Should Settle

      Living in this day and age, when technology, efficiency and greed has robbed us our ability to work for things, we as a people, love a good bargain. Especially a holiday built around giving! No, not Christmas, you Santaist. I'm talking about the Satanic holiday, Satanist! REJOICE, IT'S HALLOWEEN!

Vampire teeth, the worse thing to happen to 
blow jobs since picturing your Mom naked.

      It's that wonderful time of year when being costumed and asking for a handout, doesn't get you labelled crazy, homeless AND a month in prison. It's a night chock full of pissed off children, the parents that want them strangled and guilt. It's a joy to behold...and it only runs you $50 in brand named candy. BEAT THAT CHRISTMAS. 

      It also has it's share of heinous crimes against the people. Crimes that are never reported and often go unpunished. Are they rapes? Murders?! Racially motivated rapes and murders?!! Rapemurders?!?!! No. These crimes are unique to the holiday of Halloween. Here are two, because I'm lazy.


What this has to do with bag-snatching...I'll never know. 
You fail, Google Images. At least you could have made it sexy...
the word snatch 
was right there in the search.

      Bag-snatching or as it is referred to by it's victims: "fucking bullshit!", is the act of snatching a bag of hard earned door knocking begging candy from an innocent child, then, running like a crazed asshole into the night. The culprits are usually a much older, much more asshole of a child.

      This, coming of douche bag age, tradition has been a staple of Halloween and it's life partner "Trick or Treating" since time immemorial. Thousands of kids suffer the wraith of high school dip shits, who believe it is their sacred rite to scar children and sully their memories of Halloween...and eat their fucking candy.

      Is this a crime the police should partake in the stopping of? I think so. Though, I believe it should be done, solely with fun in mind. Maybe nabbing a bag snatcher by jabbing a gun in his face, having him assume the position at gun point, then asking the victim where they should be shot. All in jest of course, just long enough to make the prick piss as to be laughed at by bystanders and pushed one inch closer to alcholism. Sweet, sweet justice.

There is a special place in hell awaiting the bag-snatching bastards...and it's a bag snatching of another sort.


I sincerely hope this is egg on this window. 
Otherwise, you're witnessing the aftermath 
of a house that's been raped.

      I've never understood the concept of egging someone's house. The motive behind the gesture is a bit sketchy. The victim perpetrates an imagined slight against the egg throwers. Maybe he gives out candy that tastes like chalk that's been inside someone's ass who's entirely made of chalk, the person is unpopular or different for whatever reason deemed by the egg hurlers as not as good as they are or the jerk offs just pick a random house, who knows the primary motivator, assholes rarely need a reason to chuck a fucking egg apparently.

      Despite this being a long held tradition, I've never participated in egging. That level of asshole stupidity I leave to people who believe that football is a manly sport and NASCAR is actually real racing. Plus, I tend to steer clear of all things stupid, merely out of habit. So, when I see or hear mention of this happening to someone, I usually roll my eyes and shake my head in a disapproving manner, mostly out of sympathy.

      Regardless of whether the action has affected me is irrelevant. Apparently, kids and or teens, who were probably withheld oxygen during the birthing process, still launch egg assaults on neighborhoods. It may seem harmless, but, when you leave your house, presumably after a night of wall cracking sex (I assume all my readers are sexual dynamos), to discover rotting eggs funking up their sex palace, it's probably very disheartening and infuriating for them. It surely leads to muttered "fucks" and "shits" and "this is why I support abortions" comments during the cleaning process, which is awful. Though, I'm sure it ends with a lot of anger sex directed at faceless egg-ssasins. Ha...see what I did there?

     Should the police get involved? Most definitely. Again, demands made at gun point are the only way of sending a clear, concise message. It's the only way to go. This time, however, the tossers (see what I did that time...huh...English folks?), should be made to lick the house clean. Yeah, the owner still has to scour the shame spit from his shutters, but, now he can imagine them getting salmonella and their idiot mother's crying. JUSTICE DONE!

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