The NSA Is Too Stupid To Love You, I'm Afraid

      Yesterday, during a depression fueled drinking binge, I was going through my back pages of things left unfinished, as so often is in my life. Tears blurring my vision, while murmuring something about death's sweet release, I came across this; something I should have posted long ago. It's an uproariously stupid rant thing about the NSA eyeing up our phone records. So, for the nation's thirst for all things security. Enjoy.     

      Recently, while driving to work, jamming to the talk radio stylings of NPR, I was apprised of our nation's love of phone record collecting. At first, I was completely terrified, locking the doors on my van in a "they'll never take me alive" motion, as though a car door lock will stop the CIA/NSA/IRS/Senators with microwave brain scanners lurking along the highway.

      I mean, they'd have pistols...or a formidable sling shot...or both, right? If they don't, then, what the fuck are my taxes paying for? The least likely of their imaginary arsenal and my most favorite; a hefty pineapple style grenade emblazoned with painted smiley with words that read, "To be jammed in cock hole!".

It's the details that make it really special.

      Listening to the report, disgusted at the blatant disregard the government had for my rights, I thought about how I had been trampled on, pissed on, diarrhea-ed on, then spit on...I assume. I mean, after that what's left? Cum, I suppose, but, that takes it in a whole other direction.

A perverted direction.

Finally, I realized how incredibly stupid it is to feel any of those ways, rights jizzed on or otherwise...and how stupid it is for ANYONE to flip the fuck out. This is old news, people! Let me explain...

Companies Have Done It For Years...sort of.

May I introduce the soft under belly of paranoia.

      If you've bought anything larger than your forehead and bought that forehead sized object with a credit card, they've got you! Shit, even smaller than your forehead for that matter. Things for your forehead. What the hell am I talking about? 

      Those annoying super cocks, that sell you annoying things, know who you are and where you live. How? Why? You told them, of course, well, your credit card did. Information on what you buy, how much and how often, is shared between companies all the time. It helps corporations determine, not only, when you're in the market for vitamin diet pills (that will increase your long distance sex problem) and make it cheaper, but, how much you're willing to spend on it. 

Having your personal information, makes their job easier and should make you feel not only over joyed with the sweet convenience, but...just a little terrified too. Some guy in the Anbar Province knows what type of condom I like is fine, but, the also knowing the last time I needed one, not so fine. Knowing a profit hungry corporations analyzes what you're doing with your genitals, in order to sell things should make us all terrified.

      If you're panicked about the NSA diddling your precious phone records, know that K Mart is diddling your buying practices. Phone companies sell your information all the time too. It doesn't carry the same sting as your "phone records", but, it's just as freakish. Imagine the weirdos you work with; now, imagine them with your personal data. Yeah, the same guy that doesn't wash his hands after pissing, is the same guy with your home address. The guy who stinks like shit...on purpose, knows which bank you use and last online purchase. 

      Do you think phone company employees are of a higher quality? Think again, junior. The real kicker is, the selling and buying of your personal information happens all the time, without you knowing. Like a huge vat of personal info ass droppings, all of your crap is floating around somewhere...and tons of strange people are fondling it. 

      Yes, I get it, it's not the government and it's not phone tapping, record snooping, per say, but, it's only slightly goddamn mortifying. Stuff you don't want floating around (man, do I love a good turd analogy), is out there, bobbing around, waiting to be squished in a strangers hand. We've become so used to it, it no longer evokes a response. 

The difference between companies using our information and our government, is that the government works for us, because we pay them to work for us. They're paid to supposedly have our best interests in mind. Those companies however...give less of a shit.  

Government, companies; they both invade our privacy to one degree or another, be it for securities sake or sales. At least the government never tries to keep me on the phone to sell a Viagra knock off, two for a dollar. The government barely acknowledges my existence, let alone whether my dick gets hard, I mean past an earned income statement, they hardly give a shit. Speaking of which...

The Double Edged Sword O' Conspiracy!

Ah, making fun of elected officials. 

I don't think it's been done before.

      A few years ago, I called the IRS. Normally, I would make fart sounds, laugh and hang up and wait for the authorities, but, this time, I had a problem. As it happened, I never received a tax return from the previous year, despite being owed one. So, as any responsible money grubbing, citizen, I wanted to know where my mo' fuckin' money was!

      I called the the IRS and talked to one of their guys about it. He typed my information into a computer (I imagined it looked like the super computer from the movie Hackers all glowing and such). Then, he told me something that forever changed how I felt about bureaucracy. 

I didn't exist.

My social security number, name, etc.; had never existed. I was beside my nonexistent self. 

I'd dutifully paid taxes to a government that never recognized me as a citizen, cognizant being ...or entity...or anything of any sort. I was flabbergasted. 

Then, I realized that they were a collective of government fuck ups, like everywhere else and everything was fine. I returned to eating, drinking, drinking more and passing out.

      Everyone seems to forget that one of the longest running jokes in human history is government inefficiency. There are whole shows devoted to it's blundering. It's a train wreck of backward policy, counter intuitive production and guys named Ernie, to some degree or another. 

      Equally contradictory are people that are freaking out about the phone record thing. Usually, they're bitching about the inefficiency of the government, yet freak out when things like NSA sequestration of phone records occurs. It's not like the NSA are any more efficient when sorting a billion phone records! 

      These are government employees we're talking about. Have you ever been to a post office? Then, you've seen the quality of today's government worker, first hand. They fuck up stamp sales, make jokes about sex toys in transit and send the wrong people those toys.

      Still, people are freaking out over phone records, like all of a sudden, THAT'S the program the government is going to get right. I'm sure it's less like a warehouse full super computers (Hackers movie) manned by grimacing super geniuses and more like an elderly, dementia riddled man, poking a keyboard, doing  Google-ish searches through phone records for "terrorist's are sexy" and "I made a bomb in my shoes!". 

The Government 

Doesn't Care Who You Are.

All of these people are black.

      It's a horrible truth that I feel goes unspoken, yet it's still an awful thing for anyone to hear. You're not important. Mind you, you're important to someone or hell, even some people, just not every person and certainly not all people. 

      According to the government, you're even less important than that. You're a law abiding tax payer who may or may not complain, possibly vote them in or out and little else. Actually, and more than likely, you're little more than a number used in various statistics and projection reports. 

      So, when it comes to the millions of phone records they may or may not be perusing, your name is probably not going to make their Billboard 100 anytime soon. Your Facebook posts about being too shit faced to identify your own mother, wouldn't crack into a millisecond of their time. I'm sorry to tell you that, please don't kill yourself...or at the very least, don't mention me in the suicide note.

      It's heart breaking, I know. I'd love to think some over tasked computer jockey was digitally hunting me, via a phone I never use, to find out if I'd prefer to be a Middle Earth elf or dwarf. Alas, we must all come to grips with our anonymity concerning the powers that be. There are too many of us to give a fuck about all of us.

     Though, bucking the trend by bombing innocent people would surely rocket you to the top of their must search for record of the month, most of us just don't have the ambition to become a mass murdering freak. There's too much hate mail in it.

So, What Do We Pay Them For? 

God, this chick is so boring, I'm not even masturbating any more.

      I'd like to clarify that I believe phone tapping and the like to be wrong...for the most part. It's especially wrong when it's on my dime! I can think of an shit load of other things I'd rather get for my money. No. There are six things. Not all of them blow jobs.

      Regardless, phone record collecting data stuff is something the NSA does, because...that's what they're paid to do! It's not like Edna the elderly stripper next door is reading through the last nine times you called Domino's and subsequently judging you based on the information. On the contrary, the NSA collects information to protect the citizens of the U.S. Unfortunately, some of the people it's protecting us from live...in the United States.

      For the more paranoid among you (and not so paranoid), it's well known that stupid terrorists can be found in the countries they hate. It's a given. So, it stands to reason that they live among non-terrorist folk here too. 

      The part that sucks the most dick, besides all the explosions they cause, is the invisibility they seem to have. It's not a magic serum, voodoo or cosmetic cream that allows them to do so, it's the "they look like everyone else" thing. 

     This is when NSA snooping comes into play, weeding through a billion phone records and such to try and find them. You could make the short leap to say that it's only a matter of time before they're mining that information for a myriad of other things, but, that's like saying the postal service could one day take down UPS with it's cheaper pricing and swift delivery.

Denouement

 

The land that birthed reality t.v.

      As much as spying on me bothers me, I try to keep a level head about it. For one, I fully understand that I'm basically invisible to NSA prying, mainly because I'm A: not important enough to care about and B: I'm one of billions of people they don't care about. What really concerns me about the whole thing is the twisted, conflicted message that seems to come from the public itself about the whole thing. 

      People, of late, have gotten the notion that they are basically a mass of nameless, powerless citizenry at the mercy of their own government. This isn't true of course. Gathering enough of those same people to change anything is assuredly faster, more efficient and more powerful than the small number the government has on it's side. Yet, the weak and powerless attitude prevails.

However, when told about the NSA collecting records and such, suddenly, every individual is important and poses a threat, that the government must monitor at all times, via every record. Which the hell is it?