Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent.

The beginning of this mess is WAY back here. Catch up already!    

      Impersonating a federal agent is a tricky affair and oddly enough, never has the pay off you're looking for. You never fool anyone doing it. There's an added bonus of, unless it's Halloween, ending up in prison for as well. Federal prison, of course, housing the "alphas" of today's prison system, it's the headquarters for today's best and brightest prison rapists. So, it's not a very nice, nor sexy place to end up. Especially after some poorly thought out cos play.

I will be entering the facility at roughly 2 pm and, I assume,

 the facility will be entering me roughly soon after--over.

      Despite the possible rape-age, many morons still whip out the "I'm an FBI...person." occasionally. The Nigerian scam-tard saying he's a Fed is one of those times and is just as stupid as you think it is. No. Check that--it's more stupid. It's so ridiculous, it has lead me to believe there's an epidemic of gas huffing computer nerds in Nigeria.

Not a federal agent, he only plays one in a Nigerian internet cafe.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

ATTENTION: E

OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM FBI

My Name is Agent  Wood from justice department , Federal Bureau Of Investigation , Washington DC. It has been discovered that a vault containing  a photo chronic material,diamonds and gold covered with clothes registered in your name as the final beneficiary through special diplomatic 

courier has been stopped in JFK airport NY for further clarification.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.) waded in after being alerted by the the intelligent unit in England. It was further revealed that initial delivery originated from Iraq to England, final destination USA through Red cross Special Diplomatic Jet.These delivery did not follow due process in line with the international courier rules and regulation.

We have been notified by Serious Organized Crime Agency (S.O.C.A ) England that a clearance pass was not issued from the proper authorities in London, England and the diplomat handling this vault further transferred the vault to another red cross Jet headed USA with an obnoxious intent.

This has raised their suspicion ,anyways a report has stated that the vault has been scanned and passed screening, has nothing illegal and is not associated to terrorism. As stated above, the vault has your particulars on it, and you must have the clearance pass obtained from England through the diplomat handling 

the consignment,as it is the submission of the Intelligent unit (S.O.C.A) instructing FBI to have the Vault Stopped from further delivery until the Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer Pass Certificate is issued from England. We have a warrant from international intelligence  to have you the beneficiary and the courier company secure the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer from the the Airport Authority In London, England where the pass warrant was avoided before we further release the vault and have you 

and your courier diplomat cleared of any illegality .

Therefore contact the diplomat handling the delivery of your parcel to clarify this situation.

Note that you guys have 3 working days to obtain this crucial Documentation.

Faithfully Yours

Agent Clive Wood for

Robert S. Mueller III

FBI Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

CC. TO:

Supreme Court of the United States

Supreme Court of Canada 

U. S. District Courts

Canadian District Courts

Canada & U. S. Court of Federal Claims, 1982 -

Federal Courts Outside the Judiciary 

Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA ) England

Oh, man! I was on a business trip selling blow to a friend of mine. 20kg worth to be exact. That's not easy to do Agent Woody, sir. I'd like an extension of some sort. Is that possible? I'm an American and I demand an extension!

 I need some time to launder money I recently received and I'll shoot on over and get that trunks of goodies. My buddies and I, are going to use it to purchase a LOT of guns for the up coming Armageddon. It's going to be a real "humdinger". It's why I need those trunks...and why I'm selling all the blow. 

You can never be too prepared you know? Wait--you're from the uh...F.B.I.? Shit. Listen, when I said "blow", I meant...pops. It's a candy. Dammit--and by firearms I meant...sub machine guns that WON'T be concealed and aren't fully automatic. I didn't mean to confuse you. I've been drinking a lot of homemade whiskey and marijuana that I "found" in my basement under grow lights, lately. I apologize. Is it possible to get an extension? I'll contact the guy in England and sort this all out. You'll be doing me a HUGE favor by allowing me an extension. I might even be able to bribe you...which I may or may not do...depending on the legality. 

Who do I have to contact to get these trunks? 

Attn: E.

I am ready and willing to help you. 

We have just discovered that the 2 boxes has a total sum of $22 Million inside the trunks. Do you have the Drug free certificate, the money Laundry, Certificate and the Anti Terrorist Certificate issued to you by the Justice department on this money?

I am ready to assist you get the money down to your address if you co-operate with me.

Respond Urgently.

Agent Clive Wood

E.,

I need to receive your response to my last mail urgently or we will do the needful on your trunks.

Agent Clive Wood

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Treat this email with the utmost attention it deserves.

If we do not receive words from you in the next 5 working days from today, we will do the needful and get your boxes confiscated.

Agent Clive Wood

Having little patience, the dip shit just kept at it. Besides, I like to keep the F.B.I. waiting. It calms them and flaunts your self importance. They appreciate that.

Hello Agent What's His Face, 

I have been instructed to possibly bribe you...or not. I'm not sure. How much will it cost to get the trunks with all the awesome treasure to be released. Me and my cohorts are in desperate need of their content. We plan on arming a militia and building an underground lair for that militia, as well as constructing a roller rink and a fish taco stand. So, an expedient end to this transaction of trunk gold goodness would be outstanding. 

Would you like to meet in a dark alley? I have a trench coat, but, it's a...little...greasy. I'd like to tell you why, but, explaining oily nudity takes WAY too long. Tell me how much it's going to take to ease this process for all of us. Thank you.

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Your memo to my desk has been received and contents noted with thank.

You need to make available via western union the sum of $3000.00 urgently through the coordinates below to enable me process all the documents 

and release your 2 boxes to your address via FedEx.

REEIVER                       FRANK GREEN

DESTINAION                 NEW YORK

TEST QUESTION           IN GOD

ANSWER                      WE TRUST.

Let me have the MTCN number once you send down the fee.

Agent Clive Wood

      FINALLY! We get to the money. What the hell were they waiting for? The suspense was killing me. Though, it does answer the age old question of "How many Nigerians does it take to scam money via email?". The answer is 3. 

      So, we've gotten to the money! Next, the chilling end...or not. Not so chilly, just monstrously stupid. So, achingly stupid, you'll wish that punishment for Nigerian scamming involved a time machine and legalized abortion.

[Next: Bribing The F.B.I., JFK and a Terrorist Act] 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The Diplomat

      I apologize, dear reader. It would seem that in my haste to deliver on my Nigerian scamming delights, I had skipped a bit player in the melodrama. The Diplomat. He is supposed to be bringing the trunks filled with Afghan gold to me! How could I forget right? It's like forgetting to stock razors in Demi Lovato's dressing room. Rookie mistake.

Dear Sir

I am Diplomat Russell Cox the official diplomat to the World Wide

Delivery company here in London UK.

 I will be arriving John F. Kennedy Airport (JFK) New York by 3.00 AM

on Tuesday 10th July, 2012 for the delivery of your

 2 Trunks to your mailing address and I will contact you upon my arrival.

 Kindly on receipt of this email re-confirm to me immediately your

mailing address and your cell telephone number.

 Meanwhile, find enclosed copy of my British Passport for you to

identify me when I arrive your address in USA.

 Please acknowledge Receipt of my passport.

 Dip Russell Cox             

Alternative email   diprussellcox@gmail.com

I, of course, lead what I have convinced myself is a life, so, I didn't answer him right away. So, he sent me a few more emails saying he was at JFK waiting. I guess scamming Nigerians posing as diplomats get a special hotel rate, letting them stay indefinitely. Regardless...he grew impatient as scam folks often do.  

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Dear Sir

I flew into JFK since this Tuesday and notified you about my arrival with your 2 trunks and till this very moment I have not received words from 

you to know where you are as the boxes are still with the custom. I also informed you about my arrival date before I left UK to USA and no 

response from you.

I will be compelled to notify the delivery company in UK and fly the boxes back to UK if I do not receive words from you.

Dip Russell Cox

      My god sir! I apologize immensely for this mis-communication. As it turns out, I had a speaking engagement with a small group of itchy trigger fingered patriots from Milwaukee. They're trying to throw together an organization like me and my boys have, but, want to do it without the liberating use of body grease or nudity. Can you believe it? Bunch of commies.

       It's our god given American right to brandish fire arms without the hindrance of clothing. What did hell did Jesus and Uncle Sam die for if not for that?! I had to drive over in my VW van/love wagon to set them straight. It took a few  days and a lot of "convincing" to get those fellas out of their skivvies, slathered in grease and onto a FIRING RANGE! They eventually saw the light. God bless America sir, god bless it. 

      I hope I'm not too late on this one, Dip. I really want this to come through for this Army fella. Besides, me and my boys have already decided what to do with our share of the money! You ready for this, Dip? Hold on to your hat---underground militia lair/roller derby/fish taco restaurant. 

      It's kind of a combination of all of our ideas. We just decided to stop arguing at one point and that's what was left. Pretty good concept, am I right? You still need my info or are you gonna run 'em on over here? I can't wait to get this thing done with. Let's make this soldier proud to confiscate and then appropriate terror money, son. We can't let him down! THIS ONE'S FOR THE U.S.A.!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087 

USA

Dear Sir

Sequel to my last email to you, I flew in to the John F Kennedy (JFK) International Airport this morning with your 2 Trunks.

 I am trying to finalize the paperwork at the office of the Customs Officials and the boarder protection agency and will proceed to your residential Address immediately I conclude with Customs Officials at JFK Airport because they can not open the Trunks due to the Diplomatic Seal 

that was used to bind it.

 I advice you to be at your address and wait for me and always cheek your mail because I will Send you an email once I pick up my clearance to take a connecting flight to address.  Meanwhile, I am going to cheek into a hotel now to take my shower and have my rest and get down to the British embassy to notify them of my arrival before returning back to the Airport later in the day to pick up the clearance and fly down to your address. 

I will also try to take a picture of the Trunks where they are at the JFK when I return back from the embassy for your perusal. 

 I need to hear from you to know where you are before my departure to meet you up at your address.

 Dip Russell Cox

      It's at this point that the FBI somehow gets involved...for no reason that I can discern. Unless, there has been a severe lull in federal crime and they've decided to start arresting stupid people just for being stupid. Alas, the FBI agent enters and I let Dip know about it. Oh, on a side note, the proper abbreviation for diplomat is DPL. A little trivia for your long, lonely porn free nights.

Dear Dip, 

I have received an email from the F.B.I. saying I need to contact the courier of the "trunks". He says that I have to do some things with a form. I'm not sure what that means, so, please email me, immediately. 

My friends and I are trying to get our lair/roller-derby/fish taco franchise off the ground. A huge influx of middle eastern blood money would go a long way to realizing that dream. Please, help!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Let me see the FBI form you got because I am afraid that the FBI has nohing to do with the trunks and I need to find out if the form is an FBI scam.

I am still here at JFK waiting.

Dip Russell Cox

Dip 

I forwarded the email I got. What should I do? I'm wondering if bribing him is the American thing to do. I was thinking...maybe giving this Woody guy $1000 to "grease the wheels of democracy"...either that or a trailer park hooker I know. She's willing to do just about anything for $6 and a bottle of Shasta. What do you think? Remember...this is for Col. Johnson David! We must act quickly!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Have you contact the FBI agent as I directed you to do.

I need to hear from you urgently.

Dip  Russell Cox

Dip,

I just replied to him. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get this done. I'm not above giving the guy a bribe, but, I'm not going to have sex with him. That is my limit. I mean, I'm an American, through and through, but, I'm not gonna sit on the man's meat spear for a couple of trunks. Even if they're filled with an implausible amount of gold, know what...I...--you know, I'll keep an open mind as to what exactly needs 

to be done.

      So ends my time with the Diplomat, for now. Eventually, this whirlwind of dumbasses becomes more intense because, up until now, no one has asked me for money. For the uninitiated, Nigerian scams are geared toward getting...money. Whether these particular Nigerians were off cleaning AK47's during the "Introduction To Scamming" class, I'm not sure, but, I'll go along with it. Maybe they are just suckers for poor theatrics or are just genuinely stupid, either way, I'm entertained.