Sunday, October 16, 2011

Things Everyone Should Learn: Should You Call A Pro?

      There are some things that happen in life that no one is prepared for. Be it a blown light bulb, a broken shoe lace or stray gun fire, you just never see them coming. Many times, we are blindsided by events, much like a Sandra Bullock Oscar win, we never, ever thought possible. Erratic and inconvenient as these happenings are, some are absolutely fixable. Yet, we are still drastically unprepared in dealing with them. Either we weren't taught or never thought it was important enough to learn. Still, we inevitably run into shit that we should know how to do ourselves. Learning how to execute some things properly will lead to a more self sufficient life. I don't know about you, but, I can't afford to call a prostitute every time my sink is clogged. Am I right? Right? What. That is what prostitutes do, right? No? Fucking porno premise's lied to me again!

Learn To Fix A Sink fix my sink and I'll pay you with sex. 
Seems absolutely fair to me.

      Plumbing hooker/porno actresses aside. Calling a plumber every time your sink goes stupid on you is ridiculous. It's money down the drain! Ha! Get it? The uh...the pun  that I just did there? Plumbing and drains and money. That was clever right? Right? Ah what the fuck do you know. When your drain clogs you stare at it like a dog being taught to field strip a hand gun.

What the fuck?

      A fucked up sink will happen. It happens all the time. Why not learn how to deal with it? It's not hard, it takes a couple simple tools and a few minutes. Learning about it will save you time and money. Just remember to cut off the water and have a few towels handy. Besides, if you run into some shit you can't handle, you can call your precious plumbing prostitute. At least you won't have to pay them to take the sink apart. You'll be able to get to the post sink assembly sex quicker too!

Learn Some Basic Car Maintenance

I think I found some extra lug my pan-
oh shit I for real dropped the lug nuts. Fuck! 
Oh, sorry hooker tire changer.

      People get flat tires all the time. If it hasn't happened to you, it will eventually. Learning to change a car tire is easy. Everyone able to drive a car or run over someone with a car should learn to do this. While you're doing that, you can learn how to properly jump start a car too. It seems like some time after 1985 everyone suddenly lost the ability to jump start a car. I blame computers and science, with it's voodoo hypno-trance magic or something of equal hypno-trance like ability. Oooohhh...and get some damned jumper cables! Stop using them as nipple clamps and put them back in your trunk. Lost them did yeh? Traded them for a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a half used bottle of cough syrup? Well, you can usually score a set for like $10 bucks. Shit. While I'm thinking about it, learn to check your oil, swap out a bad headlight bulb, change wipers and change out a car battery too. Unless you're near death, shake like Michael J. Fox with low blood sugar or wear diapers, learn to do this shit. You'll only benefit from it. I promise. Again, it beats calling a prostitute to come out and change your ti---what? They don't do that either?! What the fucking' fuck!

Learn To Fix A Broken Outlet/Switch

Speaking of wires,
 I have no sexy electrician talk. Sorry.
Shouldn't you be wearing gloves or something?

      So, it's a lonely Friday night and you just lost one of your favorite anal love beads. It's time to search. You go to flip on the light switch and...nothing. It must be the light bulb, you think to yourself. So, with the other beads safely stuffed in your anus, you proceed to precariously balance on your Barney & Friends play stool and successfully change the light bulb and still...nothing. It must be that fucking switch! Dammit. Do you run to the phone book, ass cheeks clentched and frantically search for prostitutes? No. You can do this yourself! How? Because you had enough sense and clear thought between drinking binges to realize it's importance and learned  how to do it. This is one of those abilities that seems out of reach of the layman due to it involving lethal doses of life stopping electricity. and "cop out" with the whole "it can stop my heart and make me inadvertently shit myself" thing. Well, that's why you turn off the power at the fuse box, dumb ass! Always turn and make sure the power is off. Oh, by the way...

Learn To Change A Fuse or Flip Some Switches

Say, could you blow my fuse? Ha! Now, THAT was clever. 
Okay, fine, don't talk to me.

      I'm not saying you should know how to dismantle the fuse box or how to wire one. That's something only a trained prostitute would know how to do. You can learn how to change a blown fuse or if your particular box has switches, learn to to label and flip them, though. The blown fuse swap thing is probably the hardest. Before you learn either of them, cut the power! The world has enough idiotic self immolation going on, why add a freshly electrocuted moron fire to the list, right? Take precautions. Much in the same way, that I said you should learn how to do this stuff, but, I didn't tell you the procedures. I took the precaution of guarding myself against someone seriously hurting or even kill yourself, then blaming me. After all, people are ginormously stupid, including myself. I learned some of these through trial and error. You shouldn't. I realize that I suck donkey testicles when it comes to explaining things. So, rather than try and you end up dead. I chose to link to more coherent teaching methods instead. The internet provides plenty of actual, helpful information. Beyond all the porno and prostitute vocational studies.

Should have called a prostitute, buddy.

1 comment:

  1. Where do U come up with this stuff??Did U really have a bad childhood??Come on Now Blame UR Wierd mind on me!Huh!??Yo Mama


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