Wednesday, October 19, 2011

UK, I'm Jealous.

      There are times when I am going about my daily routine (READ: empty, sorrow filled urine stained time of joyless depressed over eating and crying), when I think to myself, "I am totally jealous of the U.K.". Why jealous of the merry old British Isles, you ask? Well, despite you being a condescending asshole, you might assume, it's my disenchantment with the sociopolitical climate of my glorious United States. No, no, my friends, you'd be dead wrong because, I have no idea what that shit means. No, my jealously of the UK is something entirely different. Unlike my blood lust for Chester The Cheetah and the anger, hurt and dismay I have toward Barry Manilow, refusing to acknowledge me as one of his many late 70's love children, it's much more easily explained.  

You ain't from my jizz, bitch!

      My jealously of the UK is actually much, much more superficial than my need for Barry Manilow's paternal love and guidance. It's more for the U.K.'s entertainment value, which they have a lot of. I discovered a lot of it while growing up. Be it from reading a lot of Sherlock Holmes and his suppressed homosexual relationship with Dr. Watson stories. Vaguely, I recall something about them solving crimes too. I could be wrong. Strange. I digress. UK related entertainment was everywhere. If you knew where to look. I mean, the fucking Muppets for fucks sake. Later, I got into a lot of 60's British Invasion bands. That was around the time I really started ACTUALLY listening to and discovering my own music. By that I mean, not having my musical tastes forced on me by pop radio, like so much candy from a nude man in and unmarked van.. Then, of course you have Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Red Dwarf, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Absolutely Fabulous, The Office and a ton of other wickedly awesome comedies. Some of those I discovered around the same time as my Beatles, Rolling Stones, Sex Pistols, Clash, Pink Floyd, David Bowie, Radiohead and The Stone Roses fanaticism, which...oddly enough coincided with a lot of heavy drug usage on my part. Weird.

I just "got" every Monty Python joke, ever, muthafucka...just the same time. 
Thank you, Marijuana!

      I like entertainment in general too. It's is a grand and noble thing. Most of our misinformed medical knowledge and horribly moronic grasp of the legal system comes from it. The same can be said of the UK's as well. Though, it's not all just music and t.v. that I like. There are other aspects of U.K...dom, that I think are pretty sweet. There's all that government covered health care, subsidized higher education, etc. Fuck. All of our history comes from there. Well, the white half anyway. I suppose if the native Americans had spoken English when the pale faces landed, we could have jotted their half of history...before ravaging their populations with our whitey traditions, diseases and boom sticks. Poor bastards.

That's right , run ya sonsahbitches! 
Shoulda learn'd tah speak our language before we came here!

      I could be wrong about all the social aspects of the UK. A lot of it I vaguely remember reading somewhere. I'm too tired, lazy and inept to put forth the effort of consulting the internet for information. It's always telling me I'm wrong or misspelling something or chastising me for not having a more rotund penis anyway. I'd rather consult the rose colored, grandiose Victorian England I have in my head. The sweet place where the streets are post-apocalyptic empty due to some horrible disease, like in 28 Days LaterSurvivors or Dead Set. Roaming those streets of course are Mary Poppins, the lanky guy who plays Sherlock from Sherlock and Tim Canterbury solving crimes and Micheal Caine and Jason Statham shoot people in the street. All the while, Sacha Baron Cohen, Ricky Gervais and the surviving members of Monty Python crack jokes about canned fruit being the new gold. My version of the UK reeks of awesome. Everybody drives a Mini-Cooper or Astin Martin. Everybody wears Doc Martens. Everybody calls each other "mate" and it doesn't mean they want to fuck.

Of course this Scottish bastard is there, 
fuckin' shit up old school for Queen and country.

      What a truly fantastic place, right? Well, mostly. There are some shitty things. Like...Russel Brand. What the fuck is with that guy? I don't get why he's famous. He's like the annoying guy who fronts like he smokes weed, but, then, when offered, gives you some shit about asthma. Couldn't you just punch him a lot and throw him in the Liffey, UK? No. You sent him here, instead. Thanks, UK. Oh, then there's the "exporting" of your television comedies to the U.S. Dammit! You know damned well we're just going to fuck those up. Did Coupling teach you nothing? Oh, and another thing that gets me is...the celebrities. Beckham and Posh Spice? I don't get it. I missed the give a shit memo on that one. Hey, she WAS hot, now she looks like a starving 40 something with "desperately clinging to youth" tits. So, we get your used up Spice women? i never signed up for that. Oh, and soccer? What the fuck? Yeah, I know, I know...we're missing...something about it. When we figure it out...we won't give a shit then either. It's like you guys caring about our "football". I don't think you do, but, then guys like heavily pointless soccer. Now...if 007 threw down in a match, guns blazing...noses to screens on the U.S. side, UK, noses to screens. Nothing screams epic sporting event like tuxedoed Brits brandishing weapons in pursuit of a brightly colored ball. Speaking for America...we are all about guns and brightly colored shit.  

Hey, there's a U.S. soccer fan! 
YAY! I found one over here too!
Yay, two!