Monday, November 28, 2011

Easy Money, If You Don't Mind Crying

      Writing articles is a pain in the dick. Seriously, it's a sharp, lightning bolt of piercing pain...right in the dick. Well, maybe it's just for me. The dick pain, anyway, see. I have been itching to write an article for A tiny bit for the notoriety of it, mostly because they pay you. Who doesn't like getting paid for typing shit right? The hard thing about writing for Cracked isn't the writing part so much, as they want it to be about something. Which, as anyone who has read this far knows, I am slightly retarded at doing that. In fact, I'm slightly annoying that way. I ramble! That's my "thing", you know. Well, by "thing" you've probably surmised that I mean, "crutch".

This is how I make it through an un-feeling world!

      Being that I can't "ramble" and have to actually come up with a concise premise, with which to slap my stanky funny penis on, I have actual work to do. I, of course, am not used to this. Working at writing that is. I have worked before and damn hard! It was more manual labor and dressing sexy for clients. Most of the jobs I had, I lifted things ...multiple times and they were heavy! Shit, I have even used machines to lift things heavier than I could physically lift. Somehow, this is harder. I have to think of a premise, research items that pertain to that premise, then, submit the whole fucking mess to be scrutinized by editorial strangers. Which, can make anyone feel very vulnerable and naked. These guys are paid to look at crap submitted by half assed morons like myself, then, tell said morons that it's absolute shit. Did I mention that I don't even pay these strangers to do this? I mean, I'm used to paying for degradation. Though what I pay for isn't for my writing but does involve laughing and full frontal nudity...and at least one midget. 

Fuck, that's sexy. Where's the midget?

      After, tearing your premise a new asshole and it's supporting items to shit, it'll be up to me to find better examples and then, maybe they approve it. Once this happens, then, I have to write the fucking thing. This, on average, might take a week or less or more, depending on how irresponsible I am with my time (i.e. porn, Netflix, XBox, porn...). At the end of the whole spiel, I might have an article posted on Cracked AND get money for it. This would be awesome of course, because as I mentioned above, who doesn't like being paid for the shit they do, right?

Oh, no one asked you, you red and white fuck!

      Coming up with a premise seems to be the hardest part for me. I have tons of subjects to write about, I just need to string at least 6 of them together. Devising a compelling thread with which to link them together is where I am having the problem. It has to be interesting, have at least 6 examples and be original. If you weren't foretold this is the dick pain portion of the process. Well, here's an example: Dimebag Darrell, of Pantera fame, came up with the intro guitar part to "Cowboys From Hell" (one of the songs they became famous for) while blitzed out fucking drunk. He was using guitar pedals and want not, whilst also recording himself playing guitar. He played what would become the intro...then, moved on. By move on, I mean, passed out. See, now how the fuck do I come up with 6 examples of some shit like that? I know...2. Keith Richards and Dimebag Darrell offhand. That's it! Years of reading nonsense bullshit facts to end up with 2. What the fucking fuck! I knew I should have devoted more time to becoming a gynecologist. I mean, that's one hobby of mine that I would love to get paid for. No. Instead I read facts. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

Oh, I almost forgot. 

      Why would I put myself through this grief? Mother fucking Christmas. That's right. Buying shit for people, so as to appear nice, if you can fucking believe that. It wouldn't be so bad if everything was free. Can we do that, people? Can we throw a damn switch or make a law that shit is free for one day? That would be great...aside from the mass rioting and the murder of millions due to trampling, looting and crazy people trying to fill containers with human shit. Why would they you ask? Pff...I don't know, but, you know there would be at least one prick doing it! Gross. So, I am off to scour the information super highway in search of subject matter that I might churn, like milk to fine butter, into sweet profits for Christmas presents. Oh, how about I write an article about "6 Reasons Your Dick Will Hurt Due to Writing An Article". Cha-ching! Money in the bank. 

Up yours Christmas!

1 comment:

  1. I've read some pretty stupid shit on
    6 unrelated things that can be relatable? Inbreeding. I'm my own grandpa type of thing. Yet, there is always that one pretty girl who passes as normal....think Beverly Hillbillies.


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