Friday, April 13, 2012

K and L are for King Lemmy (A to Z Blogging Challenge)

      Lemmy Killmister is the British front man for the band "Motörhead", and is also the embodiment of hard rock in general. The booze swilling bassist is the equivalent of every dirty, cigarette fogged bar that rock was ever played in, every bottle of Jack Daniels ever consumed in those bars and every "by the hour" highway motel those bar patrons fucked in...and yet he's never hosted a rock awards show. What the hell is wrong with the world? We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Oh, and his nipples secretes cigarette flavored 
bourbon...that deserves recognition.

      I watched the "The Revolver Golden Gods Awards" on XBox Live the other night. It was slightly better than having my appendix removed by a blind 6 year old, with missing fingers. It was hosted by some fucking wrestler...guy that no one cared about. Then, for no reason, Lemmy came out to present...or win...something. It didn't matter. The point is, the crowd went nuts upon seeing the man. He mumbled a few words about...something (drugs maybe?). Regardless, he left and the show bottomed out when the wrestler... host guy came back out. It left me wondering...why isn't Lemmy hosting the fucking thing? Oh and that I wanted the wrestler host guy dead.

Hey, baby...wherethefuckam I, oh,

      King Lemmy is an icon, people. He has single handedly cornered the market on bad ass and a thousand other made up bad ass titles. Hell, the man drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels a day, because he can. Seriously. A bottle. A day. If Lemmy's diet didn't consist entirely of amphetamines, raw meat and rage, he would still use Jack Daniels on his corn flakes instead of milk. Lemmy is everything that hard rock is and ever will be...rolled up in the guise of an undying geezer. Though, I'd appreciate you not telling him the geezer bit, because he would appear before me, punch a hole in my chest then, pass my corpse along to be raped by a roadie. 

This would be the last thing I saw before I died.

      My corpse's violation aside, Lemmy, is seen as godlike among the hard rock/heavy metal community. He embodies all that is awesome about that world/life. Yet, he's never been given the opportunity to hold court among his peers. Why? I mean, other than Lemmy possibly having an orgy while hosting. What's the problem? He's great, , personable...ish, people love him, he's well respected, he's mostly intelligible...mostly. What's the damned hold up? 

Still more coherent than Ozzy...bitch.

      He'd be the ultimate rock awards host. He knows or has the respect and adoration of every rock star...ever. So, the celebs would be comfortable. He takes shit from no one, which would kill long acceptance speeches, as Lemmy would simply yell (in an English accent), "Get the fuck off the stage, ASS HOLE, no one cares that you thanked your mum!" 

      Plus, EVERYONE would watch any show hosted by Lemmy...because he'd do something snorting blow off the awards podium while BEING blown by someone's Mother. All of which would happen spontaneously, without pre-arrangement by either Lemmy or the award's staff. Yet, Lemmy would treat it like another day at the office. He'd probably not skip a beat in the process, segueing to a sponsors commercial or another lame live performance, not even batting an eye. It would beat the shit out of a Billy Crystal host job and probably twice as sexy! I'd absolutely watch it....twice! So, give the man his due and give the world an awards show worth watching!...or Lemmy will fucking kill you.

I'm not kidding...


  1. Hahaha he sounds like an interesting guy. Heard some of his band's music, but never really connected the two.

  2. I'd imagine Lemmy has been invited to host numerous awards shows, but he either doesn't turn up or declines due to his workload. Those drugs aren't going to take themselves.

    1. I can only imagine the back up in production reaching Hoover Dam proportions.


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