Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Big Fat Internet Insanity Club...For God

      So, recently, I've taken to writing on a site called HubPages. Basically, it's a content site that pays you a portion of ad revenue generated by whatever shit you happen to write about. There are tons of sites like these and surprisingly, not all of them are hundreds of articles about "getting rich quick" or "how to pirate porno" or "how to get rich making porno about pirates". Instead, what I've found...are insane people. 

      Not just any insane people, the loopiest damned people on the planet--God/nerd...philosophers. Yes. That's a thing...as of right now. I totally fucking called it.

      So, now wait a minute. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Elton, are you talking about the overly nice, Jesus lovin', know it all kids from school, that no one talked to, who were part of the bible study, get beat up a lot clique...that no one talked to?"

Hahaha...and yes, those kids.

      Except now, they write about philosophical gibberish and get all... "asshole weird" when you contradict them. By asshole weird, I mean, arrogant, geek awkward freaks that can't actually insult anyone without bringing laughter upon themselves. It's like watching a fully retarded kid dance.

      I find the nerd/God/philosophers (herein referred to as "Nerdosogoders") to be embolism inducing hilarious. And also remarkably scary, as they are like a cult. A laughingly pee pee inducing cult. They're one of the best I've found on the Internet. That includes "how to" mime videos.
All of them.


Ladies and gentlemen, the world's loudest mime,
 shows you how to jerk a gorilla off at the :25 mark.

      How I ran across the Nerdosogoder, who are "postmodern philosophy" nut bags I might add, was...well, how I always run across insanity on the Internet, during a break in between marathon porn sessions. What? I can't go all day you know. I'm no...super...jack...whack...off. I don't know where I was going with that. I can't jack off all day.


Using the greatest soundtrack ever made, 
this guy shows you how to feel the gorilla's balls.

      So, leaving titties behind, I was cruising HubPages, trying to get an idea of what I could write about, that didn't involve breasts, bigger breasts or training monkeys to steal, when, boom...I run into a virtual ass load of the weirdest mother fuckers, this side of weird mother fucking.

      A guy was rambling on and on about "absolute truth". He is, of course, a total douche'. Though, why wouldn't he be? He's A) On the anonymous Internet, B) A pretentious psycho and C) Madly in love with God. Short of a coat hanger, bent into the shape of a ray gun and a cape, he's the exact person I want to officiate my wedding. Though, he might be the type to willingly to eat a child...in the name of God. So, he's not catering.


World's hottest mime...jerking off a gorilla.

      Yes, I know, you're saying, "Elton, have you seen the internet lately? There's more crazy per ounce than a syphilis infected clown! And stop reading my thoughts and making me say things!"

I'd have to agree with you, about the syphilis clown...but, not about the saying and thinking. I like making you my puppet fictitious reader. You're so pliable and ripe for hosting. Now DANCE!

No dancing? Alright, fine. Back to the Nerdosogoders.

The crazy nut bag "absolute truth" tard...has followers! Well, hangers on that tout everything the guy spews as gospel. I...I can't explain it fully. You'd have to read the insanity for yourself.


Now, if you don't feel like delving into his crazy ramblings. I'll sum up every conversation the guy has ever had with anyone...that isn't part of his nipple sucking congregation with this simple example: 

HIM

Explain to me how you would walk from your couch to your kitchen...AH, without using your feet, movement, walking, breathing or any other...fuckin' anything. Can't do it can you. Ha, you fuckin' loser! I WIN!

YOU

No, what? No...I don't under...what? You've taken every plausible way for me to...

HIM

Bahahahaha! You fucking suck! Religion...something...GOD! Showed you, bitch!

YOU

What the fuck? I don't know what just happened. You said things...then... 
Am I the only one who...what the...why? 

HIM

Boom. Winner, right here, mother fucker.

What else can I say? He's a bizarre fella. Though, I'd imagine anyone without friends or a girlfriend...or boyfriend...or social life...or happiness would be. Still, he's rife with entertainment, which is more than I can say for...oop...time to whack it again. Later!


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