Monday, August 4, 2014

5 Public Bathroom Practices That Make Me Think I'm Not Human

      When I seriously doubt I'm human it usually stems from misunderstanding common phrases like "I have lupus." and "Give me a pearl necklace." Often I move among people with a dazed kind of "What the hell is wrong with all of this?!" look on my face and avoiding skin on skin contact. My relationship with my fellow human beings is an awkward one at best.

      It seems like every day something is added to the long list of possible evidence of my non-humanity I keep in my head. Things like: when not to kill a cat, golf shoes and Oprah are among the more notable contents. Well, now, if it wasn't a cause for concern before, it is now, "bathroom behaviors" can be lumped in there too. The most horrifying conundrum I've had, when confronting my supposed kinship with my human brethren, is when a fucking bathroom comes into play. Who would have thought?

So, in the spirit of piss and shit, I offer you my desperate need to understand the human condition and my place among the humanity in terms of toilet usage. Enjoy.

Pissing On Seats

Pictured: Bastard.

      From time to time, I like to imagine I've lived on the frayed edge of sanity and survived. I've swam naked (accidentally), kicked puppies (accidentally) and told children they were "fugly"..."birth defect fugly", to their faces (on purpose). Before you start uproaring or whatever it is you Internet people do, relax, it was a birthday party and that ugly child got a damned present. Shut up.

Besides, they didn't cry the WHOLE day. Jesus.

      So, evidence infers that I know what it's like to do things against the grain. Especially the grainy surface of sanity, if there were to be such a surface, that is.

When it comes to urinating, however, I'm pretty conservative and anti-crazy. I've always figured, the goal was to make the least mess possible. If it wasn't, we could pee anywhere, which, all in all would be damned convenient. Way more convenient than building bathrooms, but, also, way, way, way more smelly.

Hence, I try to keep it within the confines of the bowl. It's only right and it keeps other people from drinking it (I hope). So, when I see a toilet seat that looks like it's been in a piss fueled down pour, I have to question the reality that allowed that to happen. Well, more over, the freakish fuck head that sprayed it down at all. Yellow washing a toilet seat is a touch of asshole insanity I just can't wrap my head around. 

Despite the obvious disregard for the ass of fellow men, what does leaving a sea of personal gold, say about a person? Are there aiming issues? Can't they handle their own penis/vagina? Is it that unwieldy? Perhaps they're new to penises. This revelation leads me to believe that 90% of the male human population just recently received gender re-assignment surgery. The other 10% have scopes grafted to their John Thomas' me.

Let's get with it penis converts! Aiming a dick is like pointing a small hose at a tiny pond. If the stream is straying too far one way, guide it in the other. If you happen to leave your golden shower all over the stall, it's time to A) re-evaluate your urination procedures and B) Wipe some shit down! No one wants to walk into a potential slip hazard because you can't pee straight. Holy shit.

This of course excludes the blind. The blind piss everywhere, they can't help it. I'm not insensitive.

Shit Writing.

Poop; Cliffside Hospital

That. Pretty much says it all.

      Nothing denotes a person's reaction to adversity quite like needing to take a dump while in public. The harried look of "Oh," flashes across the face, a cold sweat breaks out as the brain rallies to the gastrointestinal meltdown.

      "This shit is happening...sooooon" screams the mind. Eyes darting back and forth, searching for the nearest bathroom, the whole time wondering; How much butt clenching can I get away with before it becomes embarrassingly noticeable?" 

      Willing yourself to shit in a public restroom is triumph enough, everywhere you look in a bathroom is a surface ordained by God to breed filthy, filthy diseases. Doubly so in a public bathroom! So, forcing yourself to overcome that amount of gross and take that leap and dump takes a lot out of a person. It's taxing.

Then, to glance at the wall next to you and see the words "Shit happened.", written using actual shit. Something in you dies a little. A screaming vile death.

Those words, scrawled using that''s an incredibly small glimpse, into a far off apocalypse. One filled with fire, people covered in feces and scrap metal shaped into dragons, also on fire. The end of days before mankind is sucked into Hell...forever.

What possesses a person to knowingly write with their own shit? You have to willingly finger your own shit, KNOWING it's shit and then, decide the best thing to do is "tag" a fucking wall with it? What must have happened to a person like that to such depths of turmoil, as to think that's okay? Other than being a hostage situation or the age of 3, shit writing isn't acceptable. It's ghastly.

Unless you're retarded, then, it's okay. Hostage, aged 3 or retarded, then it's acceptable to write with your own shit. I'm not insensitive.

Shitty Trash 
Note: Never shit with your pants pulled doesn't work. 
It never makes it into the toilet. I promise.

      It seems to be, that every wonderful beach front bliss of a land is not only a third world country, but, incompetent when it comes to plumbing that country. Which, is a total mystery to me, being as they're usually tourist attractions and most often located or surrounded by extremely large bodies of water.

Bodies of water which can easily be shat into.

Troublesome plumbing seems to have a spill over effect into more well constructed, well plumbed areas, however. The biggest being waste paper baskets filled with toilet paper coated in someone's fresh ass leavings. 

Why would anyone do this? There's a perfectly functioning toilet with which to dispose of your pasty remnants. Toss it in and flush! It's understandable that if the country you're used to defecating in, is wholly behind in the ways of modern water works, toilet wise, than the better flushing one you're in now. There's confusion? What if I clog the toilet?! AmIright?

      I advise taking a risk and tossing it down the potty. If the country you're in can devote a large portion of it's television scheduling to reality t.v., it's usually a good indicator of whether it's safe to flush (if they can afford to devote that much time to watching stupid people, chances are they've licked the toilet clogging problem). You needn't worry about contributing to the fouling of the local drinking supply. 

      So, upon landing in a new country, turn on the "tele", "t.v." or magic light box of choice and if reality freaks are whoring themselves for the approval of the unwashed masses, feel free to give your log some flush justice, with a side of paperwork. 

Though, if you're in a country whose favorite delicacies range from dog to fetus, you might want to rethink your flushing options. 

Do some research before you shit in a different country is all I'm saying.

Eating And Dumping 
 Never mind the piss...the food is delish!

      I'm a reasonable man, prone to tiny, infinitesimal epiphanies leading to more eloquent, efficient solutions to life's little dilemmas. I know what it is to shave in the shower, as well as brush my teeth. Not at the same time, for I am not an octopus, nor a hygienic multi-armed beast, bred to steal children's thoughts as they sleep.

      Regardless, I never thought it suitable to eat, whilst dropping a deuce. Never, ever, ever...okay, wait, once, but, I was heavily intoxicated and the food tasted like shit anyway and I still didn't eat while crapping. I can appreciate the inventive convenience of the scenario, but, what the hell are people thinking?

      I, myself, have never found an aroma wafting through the hallowed stalls of dumpdom that stirred me to eat. It's always been close to the opposite. Everything from the ammonia (both store bought and domestically made) to the power shit fumes that would make a hobo gag, scream do not eat here...ever. 

      Yet, on occasion, I've found various food stuffs sprinkled about bathrooms. I've seen everything from bags of chips and sodas to full on plates, fucking PLATES of food! Who in the fuck does this and why haven't we all agreed to neuter them, for fear of passing this trait onto future generations? The world may never know.

The only people that get a pass on eating in the bathroom is the blind. They don't know any better and eat willy nilly anywhere they please. Especially in restaurants. The blind have no idea where they are, at any given time. 

Conversing And Shit.
"So...(uhhhgh) he broke up with you...(guuhhh *plop*) because of that? 
He's fucked up, girl.

      The bathroom experience is as old as time itself. Be it, dropping your used food lumps or spraying down a forest environ, relieving yourself is a time honored, physical need that must be done always. 

To facilitate this, God, evolution or Smokey Robinson and The Miracles have made waste ejection a solo effort. I see it as a streamlining effort, but, I've never designed a species, what do I know.

      Alas, even if you don't partake in going old school; shitting in the forest like a rabbit and prefer a more regal facilities that limit squatting, it's not a group effort. It never has been. It, like death, is a solitary endeavor and like dying, can involve pain, embarrassing noises and shitting of one's self...all over the place. Is this to be shared with others, either with phone conversations, general banter with another porcelain patron or loud unadulterated proclamations like "Holy shit I think I just ripped a foot long hole in my ass!"? No.

No. No. No. Dammit, no.

      A human voice, other than singing in a shower (which is bizarre enough) should never enter those elaborately tiled walls. Doubly so, in public, as the embarrassment of doing, what is normally a private concern, among strangers is almost beyond measure for the lot of us.  

      Despite normalcy saying otherwise, individuals hold conversations, often with strangers, while "dropping the Browns off at the pool". What manner of madness is this? Leave decent people to make dump and wee to their own devices! Keep the interruption of "golden showers" and shit to yourself! Stop talking to me while you're pants free and manipulating your junk, dammit! Your vocal noises are un-needed.

      I know, women do this all the time, traveling in packs to do their lavatory deeds, like gossiping wolves or...I don't know, geese? Something that groups and probably bathroom's of those. Still, that's a whole other story and one of the leading examples of why women don't and will never make any sense to anyone. Ever.

      Personally, I believe that people who must speak while in the motions of bathroom business have no friends and view bathrooms as having a captive friend finding audience. Catching victims like a cornered puppy in a pre-school, petting people with conversations that interest no one. To anyone that ends up in a situation like this, a solution: fight crazy with crazy. Pee on them while screaming incoherently. Done.

I have a feeling that this would only exacerbate the issue and they'll answer with a "I know, right!".

Of course this excludes deaf people. They don't understand when and where silence is required as they don't understand sound. They're deaf. I'm not insensitive.

 Because shitting on gold is well...shitting on gold! 

      I know I'll never change the world. In fact, I'm fairly sure I've made it worse on numerous occasions. Despite that, I believe in ability to change is within every human being, especially when it comes to dropping a Cleveland Browns touchdown at the Water Bowl. 

If we can all get together and hammer out a few simple rules, I fully believe that it will go a long way to cementing my oneness with my species and not make me believe I'm from an alternate reality. Hell, it might even domino into other, previously inconceivable things we never thought we could fix. Things like: blindness, , deafness, retardation, more blindness and blind monkeys without A.I.D.S.

{It is at this point where the song "We Are The World" should be playing in your head}

Let's make this happen, mother fuckers!

1 comment:

  1. Great to see you back, even if it is under such murky circumstances. There are countless tales around the globe of a phantom pooer;a supernatural beast or entity that visits bathrooms around the world and immediately spreads feces in inhuman ways. I experienced this phenomena at a local cinema where something had shed it's bowel contents all over the toilet stall, completely missing the toilet bowl itself. As a flourish, the poopetrator had left a single sheet of toilet paper on the toilet seat, like a calling card. Needless to say, it stank like holy hell and was an affront to human existence as we know.

    I believe this event was created by a creature known as a "Poopacabra". One day we will capture a Poopacabra and study it, but not without a bottle of Domestos handy.


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