Why There Will Never Be A Good Fantastic Four Movie

      Recently, the people in charge of movies decided to make another Fantastic Four movie. Unfortunately, it fucking sucks. It has, according to those in charge of criticizing movies, failed. They're trying to blame it's suck assedness on everything from the crew not getting along to black Human Torch which is not the problem at all. The real problem is the material. You can't and will never be able to make a Fantastic Four movie that doesn't suck major ass. Here's why:

Their Super Powers...

Is it just me or did Mister Fantastic raid Michael Jackson's Bad closet?

      I'll be the first to admit I was never a big fan of the Fantastic Four. I never had anything against the characters or anything; they just never appealed to me. They always seemed like the Partridge Family of comic books. Who the fuck wants to read a comic book about that? 

So, I never got into it and for all intents and purposes, probably never will. 

      Ah, right, right so now you might be thinking, "There's your reason, bitch! You're a hater. Four for life!" or something like that but, no. My not being a fan has nothing to do with it. I'd be more than open to a good Fantastic Four movie. There's just never going to be one. How do I know? I watch waaaaay too many movies and because of that. I know that all Fantastic Four movies will suck forever after.

      One of the problems being their powers. They're not movie friendly. That is...not CGI friendly...that is...dammit! All of their powers look ridiculous in a live action setting. Mister Fantastic stretches; you know who else stretches? The Mask...

And if you're not 6...it's retarded.

      It means that any time he works stretchy super hero magic, he looks like a floppy noodle or flaccid penis reaching out for love. It doesn't work as a life action, it just looks ridiculous, no matter how much computing power you throw at it. Rubber band super heroes don't work in modern movies. I'm sorry.

Neither does invisibility, a giant man made of rock or flames on anything...especially a person. They all come off looking hokey and poorly planned.

It's a family... 

 

Fantastic Four 2: Vacation In Hell 

      I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask you a point blank question. Do you like any movies about families? I mean, other than say...National Lampoon movies, can you name one you seriously as an adult?

      You could make the argument that super hero "teams" become "family" as they go on rollicking around doing their good deeds and such, but that's more of a brothers in arms kind of relationship. The Fantastic Four are, short of The Thing, actually related. So, in essence it's like watching the Swiss Family Robinson, but with super powers.

Who the hell wants that?