Sunday, September 6, 2015

Technology They Think We Need, But Are Actually F^cking Stupid

      Recently, I've noticed a trend of uselessness in products. There have always been useless "gadgets" and bullshit no one has needed, of course. Usually, time and demand sort out what works and what doesn't--what's needed and what's not. You would think that companies and people that build things would look back and compare their offerings to those that have failed in past. They don't, however, due to massive retardation in the ranks. Here are a few that are just completely fucking pointless, useless and all around horse shit. 
Curved Screens 
Great now all of my porn is distorted. Thanks, OLED!

      I am the product of simpler times. Brought up on Pop Tarts and porn that had to be stolen; I looked forward to leaps and bounds in both technology and entertainment. I relished every new development and dreamed of an instant porn/Pop Tart world. Who didn't?

      Watching Star Trek when I was little, I remember thinking, "They have t.v.'s in their walls?! I want a t.v. in my wall. No. No, a t.v. as big as my wall. Pfff...what?! I want a movie theater, in my house. I want a mansion to put that theater in. I want the world. THE WORLD, CHICO AND EVERYTHING IN IT!"

      Now that we live in a future of free porn, robot blow jobs and flat screens. I can even order Pop Tarts and have them delivered. It would seem that the world was on the right track. Then, some dick head scientist thought, "Let's curve the fucking screens, because we can." and slowed the whole works. 

Unfortunately, asshole scientist/engineers never bothered to ask if we gave a shit. If they had we could have told them, "No. What are you stupid? Cure cancer already."

      Curved screens are pointless. Anything you watch on it is unwatchable from any angle other than straight on. Who would benefit from that? The asshole who takes the center seat on a couch (meaning, douche bags), is who.

      No one knowingly takes the center seat except morbidly fat people and douche bags. One group can't help it and the other consists of those voted "person most wanted dead in a drunken car wreck"

No one likes that person...not even their mother.

Companies, please stop trying to fix things that aren't broken. The same applies to smart phones.

Pictured: pointless curve

      Fancy as they are...curved phones serve no actual purpose. With the model pictures, the weird curve lights up with various news that you, a person who will be picking up the phone at least twelve times in a 10 minute period, will inevitably see. What's the fuckin' point? Ohhh...and that stylus, more on that later.

      Stop taking a perfectly good t.v./smart phone and making it harder to watch/use. It's like giving someone a cold glass of water on a summer day and trying to improve on it by throwing it against a tree and peeing on it.  

Internet In Cars

"Like" my twisted body wrapped around a tree or I won't get into heaven!

Okay, I get it. It's convenient to slap a tablet in your kid's hands, turn on Netflix and let technology liquefy/baby sit his brain, rather than stress yell your way into a fiery highway death. That's reasonable. If it's that big of a deal, get a mobile wifi hot spot, get that tablet on "The Flix" and off you go.

Your car shouldn't be telling you about Facebook messages. If you need it for that, the internet shouldn't be in your car. You need help. Nothing in your car needs to communicate with the internet...ever, especially while the idiot (i.e. YOU) behind the wheel has the car in motion.

      Relax, I'm an idiot too. I've texted while driving and am lucky to tell the tale. Texting convenience coupled with being an awful driver should have sent me skidding to the pearly gates years ago. I can't fathom what would have happened if I was able to simultaneously unfriend someone while searching for a legitimate snuff film...while driving.

You would all be dead.

Why the fuck do we need that in our cars?

Hasn't car Facebooking (My new word for Facebook shit in cars is Facarbooking), caused enough car wreckage?  If not for the sake of moronic driver judgement, than for the people riding with them, leave this shit out of cars, please, car companies!

It's horrible ideas like this and assholes like that, that keep us from flying cars. Can you imagine if these walking disasters with licenses were flying? It would rain blood.

Two Things On Your Phone At The Same Time

Twice the nudity for three times the price.

As my priest used to say, sometimes too much of a good thing is just...a fat bi-sexual. I never knew what she meant by that, but, I feel it applies here.

Doing two things at once on your tablet/cell phone/whatever is like pissing out a car window while driving. Yeah, you're taking care of two things at once, but, did you really fucking need to?

I have yet to meet the person that could justify pissing out that window, nor can I find someone who actively uses this "2 in 1" feature on their phone.

Who the hell is this designed for? 99% of humans use their phones to escape reality, not do twice the work in it. Most people would use this once and that would be to try to comment on two different Vines about the same time. They'd giggle about it, while everyone shoots a "you're so fantastically retarded, we're all amazed you live un-aided" look their way. The feature would never be used again.

The same goes for that dumb slapping your phone on someone else's and sharing shit. Who does that more than once and doesn't find it absurdly inconvenient and laughably idiotic? If you don't tell the nurse who looks after to you to take your phone away, because you can't be trusted with it.

Car Trunks That Open Automatically

This is a horror movie murder waiting to happen.

How lazy have we gotten, world? I'll be the first to admit how incredibly lazy I can be. I once chose to forgo a week of eating because the store was "way the fuck over there". So, I'm no stranger to laziness, but, come on, people. If you can't figure out how to get a cart, basket or THE GROUND to temporarily hold your "whatever in the shit you have to put in the trunk", you're too stupid to drive a car.

I've seen paralyzed people on muscle relaxers negotiate a closed trunk and never once was the phrase "Fuck! Of all the horse shit! If only they could make THIS small inane task easier, my life would be cake. FUCKING CAKE! Scientists and engineers, put aside solving actual, relevant problems and throw all your brain power at making the trunk easier to get into. Cancer and solving my irreparable nerve damage can wait." uttered. Not once.

I think we should be doing better things with our time, than waving our feet at bumpers for exactly the same amount of time it would have taken to open the trunk the old way.

Stupid Fucking Styluses

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you lose pens...
so, how about an even more useless pen, 
in any color of the rainbow?

      A while back, I read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. Other than being a lovely story about how big of an asshole Steve Jobs was, it also included a lot of anecdotes about Stevie's obsession with streamlining processes. Trimming the fat if you will. One of his small sticking points was styluses. He didn't like them. Actually...hell, why not let him tell you...

(Translation: styluses suck balls.)

      He's right! And if you have a phone or tablet that requires a stylus, rejoice! You've bought a horrible product. Write a letter to that company and tell them you want something better. Demand better and we might get it. Vote with your dollars people and make this horrible shit go away. Dammit.

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