5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: #1 The Me-me-me

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job

#1 The Me-Me-Me

      This guy is my favorite. He's the one who talks...endlessly, while you imagine your face dry humping a cheese grater. It's not because you like the feel of metal sloooowly stripping away your cheeky face flesh. No. It's just that, that image, that fantasy, is better than listening to this motherfucker talk. They just drone on and on about doing...absolutely unbelievable bullshit. I mean, truly, beyond belief shit...that is total...fantasy. Their fantasy...that you started for them. What a dick nose.

It would be his face, but, he's too good for it and 

you wouldn't want to damage 

a perfectly good cheese grater. 

      This guy, through the miracle of assholery, can redirect the focus of any conversation directly at himself. Via, "Oh, yeah, I was there once but, with my dick out, with a hand grenade...surrounded by celebrities cheering me on..." and "Oh, my Grandma died of cancer too...yeah, she had ALL the cancers at once, but, my whole family is immune...including me, so, she just spit them out and went to work bending iron..." bull-shit, he can one up and requisition anything you say and use it for his own anecdote.

      He's also the guy that's done everything. Whoa, wait, not just everything...but, everything you've done too, only better. This is the guy that's done everything. Everything and more, up to and including invading the moon, wiping out it's race of Lothario transvestite strippers and establishing a base for the production of Lunar Diet Shasta.

"Why you gotta come shootin' us? We jus wanna live an strip in peace. Gawwd."

       How does one become an asshole like this? Is it poor up bringing? Adkins diet? The Morning After pill addiction? Too much t.v.? Honestly, I think it's the leering, drunken lust filled eyes of retarded power jostling attempts. By claiming to have done, what you've done...better and focusing on themselves, these folks think that it will some how win them friends...or at least, by proxy, demonstrate superior genitalia...er...brains...no...uh...that they're awesome. There it is. I knew I'd hit it.

HOW TO NOT BE THAT GUY:

      Like I said before...a couple of times, acceptance isn't necessarily dominance. Sometimes, it's just nice to talk, drop some anecdotes and maybe swap acid trip stories. Nobodies story or experience has to out do someone else's. It's not a contest. Just toss it out there and see what happens. Actually, it's much like a real life dick measuring contest. Sometimes the "gutsiest" person just has to have the balls enough to unzip his pants. 

"Gentlemen, what you're about to see has confounded 

scientists, amazed women and is 100% natural...and 

is not the second coming of Jesus...

though you will be saying his name."

      Oh, here's another thing...you don't have to have identical experiences. Maybe their talking about the time they shit on Donald Ducks foot at Disneyland, well, that's an opportunity to whip out the time you watched a guy pee on the Lincoln Memorial...while screaming your name...BECAUSE YOU PAID HIM TO! (good times). It's not about the "I'm better than you." horse shit. It's about getting to know one another. 

      Take it easy with the "how can I top that?!" nonsense. It's okay to say, "Wow, that's crazy! I've never stolen from the Vatican to pay for a chimpanzees abortion before. Sounds like a hoot!", it's totally acceptable and no one will think lesser of you for not having done...EVERYTHING. Plus, you'll be 90% more believable. So, when you do get around to telling them about that time you super glued your neighbors dog, to a passenger train, they won't edge away from you with a face frozen by terror. 

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: The Know-It-All

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: 

#3The Know-It-All

Hi. I'm a jerk-off. Did you know that? I did. 

      I'm not stupid, at least not openly, like some closeted gay equivalent of stupid...or something that is also closeted...but, not. I don't claim to be a genius either. I'm average...exceptionally average--exceptionally, extraordinarily average... except my genitalia...that's huge.

      My schlong aside, I'm exactly the same type of guy you'd give the finger to for...whatever you give average people the finger for. You do that, yeah? People still do that, right? Randomly?

      Being that I'm an average, regular dip-shit, I "know a few things", but, it's a far cry from ALL things. For instance, I know that duct tape is not food, nor currency, yet, can be used creatively to obtain both. Oh, and a Cleveland Steamer is neither a boat nor a trunk (I'll never make that mistake again.). The little I know, for the most part, is limited to masturbatory techniques, how to NOT injure myself while using those techniques...and scripture. No, I'm kidding. I whack off WAY too much to read a bible. So, if things I don't know about are brought up in conversations, I keep my mouth shut. A subject falling outside those parameters arises...which is, surprisingly, I just listen and nod a lot. I'm a born listener, what can I say?

Seriously. What? Derkin? I can say "derkin" if you want. 

I invented it.

      The "Know-It-All", shits in the face of all of that. He or she knows everything about...everything and is more than willing to tell your ignorant ass about it. Yet, while expounding on their vast knowledge on ALL subjects a small, quirky problem arises. The problem? They're fucking idiots.

       They're secretly--hapless, tard farts that talk out their asses. So much in fact you wonder if they shit out of other orifices instead, like a wacky armed, shit spraying lawn toy. Be it a discussion on the nuance of quantum mechanics or how to properly wash a syphilitic porn star on a windy day you quickly discover, they know dick about any of it.

This is how you do it, by the way. 

Yes, they still have syphilis, but, 

they have a shiny coat afterward. 

      Every stray, misguided fact illustrates that they know less than dick, in fact. So much less than dick...they might be hard pressed to divulge the specifics of their own genitalia...were they  pressed, they would refer to it as a dick-gina or vagi-cock, possibly a "derkin". If you should you ever need to know that, of course. God, I hope you don't need to know that.

This came up in a search for "WTF"...thanks Google. Boner achieved.

      Basically, this real world Cliff Clavin, is the shit talker at work. Though, not in a belligerent sense. They'd fold like a poorly made blow up doll if it came to confrontation. Though, it's surprising they're not in a constant state of kicked ass. You do want to hit them...so...so very bad.. A dull rage passes through your mind, almost...every time he mentions anything...at all, because you know it's atrociously and inevitably wrong. A painful kind of wrong.

      The rage can hit a fever pitch at times. Especially when they're talking about something you actually know about. You try to correct them, but, they'll have none of it. Their dumb ass version is right, you...being knowledgeable are wrong. Rather than back their side with fact...or even logic, they try to one up your rightness with their asinine wrongness, simply by getting louder than you. Ooohhhh...sweet punch...find a place in this person's face, so that I may smile.

Then, move aside...there will be a line.

How to not be that guy:

      People that use information in a "know-it-all" way are usually over compensating beyond their abilities. They're trying to utilize it in a way, it would seem, to show superiority over others. Somewhere along the line, someone probably called them stupid or made them feel stupid and they invariably took it to mean "acting smart means being called an idiot less"--the best offense is a good defense...intelligence wise. That's retarded. Whomever called you stupid...is a joke. Fuck those people.

      Being smarter and sounding smarter are two different things. Smart people look just like everyone else, except they are building bombs in garages in their past time. Smart SOUNDING people can describe what a bomb looks like as shown to them in numerous movies and television shows. It seems pretty stupid and it is, yet, people are doing it all the time...the latter thing that is. I hope there isn't a bomb building Mensa somewhere. That's just fucking spooky.

I do this in the name of smartness!

      It's alright not to know everything. Saying, "Oh, I didn't know that. Tell me about it." doesn't automatically equal "fucking stupid" or that you are admitting that you're intellectually defunct and are in need of adult diapers and a cup to drool in. It just means that you're a regular, inquisitive person. Which...is alright to be.

      People like teaching other people things. It's in our nature to pass along the good idea or fact. It seems like we've contributed to betterment of our fellow man in some way. So, being the recipient of those tidbits of information invites you into a sort of collaboration of a student-teacher exchange

   . Those roles swap around a lot of course...because people don't know everything and could learn something from you. You might actually, realistically know something that another person doesn't know. Just don't be a dick about it, you derkin bitch.

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: #4 The Lazy College Kid

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: 

#4 The Lazy College Kid

You work...so I don't have to. 

      This prick, doesn't have a fucking degree yet. Yet, he believes that since he's in the process of getting one, he's entitled to the privleges associated with having one (e.g. being a counter productive bag of cocks). This douche is more than willing to let you do his share of--almost everything, except the easy stuff. He can usually handle that. What a fuckin' fuckhole. Why are there people like this? I blame college or the ideology associated with it...well, almost.

(handling the easy stuff)      

      I'm sympathetic to the notion of a college education equaling less physically demanding work. I grew up nourished on the teat of 80's/90's sitcoms! Most of which had at least one kid in college and that kid did fucking nothing...except occasionally wear hammer pants and rap badly. 

      They usually did less work in college than I do on a toilet...half an hour after a Taco Bell Grande Meal. Yeah, I know, "Life isn't like t.v.", you're saying. I know that and you know that, but, that doesn't mean our expectations know that. 

      In real life, attaining a higher education is a daunting task. There's a lot of alcohol consumption, masturbation calluses and heart damaging cholesterol from all the pizza, hot dogs and ramen consumed to avoid actual cooking. Plus, there's all the boring porno that's looked up instead of homework and all those fucking books with words in them. WORDS for Christ's sake. They want you to read--if you can fucking believe that. Then, there's the occasional shit side job that must be worked for extra weed money.


      It's still better than pissing life away, in some soul destroying job that involves heavy lifting, right? You're damned right! Oh, sure, there's the unpleasant side effect of becoming a hipster, maybe a cubicle slave or a fluffer for bestiality porn shoots. All of which rate higher than a bad case of hemorrhoids, gently massaged with sandpaper, but that can be lived with. Due to all that sweet, sweet degree enhanced cash flow that degree is going to get you! BIG MONEY! HOLLA!...holy shit, I just typed holla. I can feel the douche' bile rising in my throat. Gross.

Sand paper...hurts...so...good! No...no, it's 

like slowly murdering your own asshole.

      Before descending into the madness of hipster/donkey love, however, science  tells us (I'm assuming, due to making it up) that there's a good chance of becoming an "all around asshole". A big reason is due to the dreamy, fantastic life one envisions will happen after getting a degree. The "good life" with less work, more money and hot and cold running dick/pussy. It's unrealistic, sure, but, that's what dreaming is all about. Unless it gets out of hand and starts to affect the reality of "now". You know, the struggling, know nothing college twerp that's still in school and working the above mentioned shit ass job. 


      It's usually one of these heavy dreamers that starts unconsciously using their schooling, as an excuse to be lazy, ass-face on the job, way before any actual graduating happens. This is the essence of "The Lazy College Kid", we all know and love.

Cock!...or dick I'm undecided.

      Despite having the same relative position in the company as everybody else, his prospects of a future degree, he believes, affords him a disdain for the uneducated shlubs he works with. This view is often associated with people in managerial roles. This is why this dumb ass is often found to be chatting with low level management. Those he feels are his peers and in small ways, snubs those that are actually his peers. Why? Feeling the shitty job he's currently plodding through, is just an inconvenient stepping stone on his way to career based glory. His coworkers are to be regarded as underlings and represent the ilk he'll one day be charged with managing.


      Meanwhile, his current peers  will eventually be relegated to "Forgotten people I worked with, at this shitty job, I had while I was in school" stories. So, in some way, it's "okay" to defer a lot of the work load onto them and speak to them in condescending tones because...fuck em'...that's why. What a douche'.


HOW TO NOT BE THAT GUY:


      A college degree can get you a lot of things; large salaried jobs, happy ending massages on lunch breaks, box seats at local dog fights and hair loss to name a few. Hell, you might even garner a few favors from police officials, who will let you touch yourself in rest areas. What it can't get you is the respect, friendship and possible admiration of co-workers. That is a process that has to be refined over time...with a lot of shit jobs and it doesn't always work. It also doesn't teach you how ball sweatingly suck ass some jobs really are. 

She's meeting people AND getting paid!

     Low paying, menial labor gigs are great for steady cash to fund any aspiring beer pong champion but, for some people, it's their only source of income. Therefore, as someone who hopes to lead such people, they're also a well spring of knowledge regarding professionalism. Utilizing them correctly can go a long way to becoming a well rounded professional...in that career you hope your degree gets you. Ignoring what they can teach can turn you into a stupid ass that no one wants to work with. Which will piss on your stupid, dumb ass idiot parade of a future. No one likes working with dick. Not even that chick in the picture up there. Which is who you'll have to pay for ass because no one will like you.


      What you learn from those shitty jobs is painfully simple and easy to miss: hard work of any kind should be respected and those doing it well, in any station, deserve respect too. Especially those people who work those shitty jobs, day in and day out to put food on their respective tables. They might not be earning a college degree or using the job as a stepping stone to something better. For a lot of them...the shit job is...it. They do it to live and get by.


      It might seem bad but, in some ways it's not. Sometimes, you just get comfortable with what you do in life, eek out a living working hard and that's that. There's no harm in it. It might be hard, but, it pays. If you're satisfied with it, great. It might not be admirable but, it keeps the bill collectors at bay. So be it.

I looked up "not admirable" on Google 

and a picture of Bruce Lee dared me not to put it in here.

--Bruce lee always wins.

      Those people deserve the respect that doing a decent job entails. They don't deserve some scrotum wrinkle, jerk off leaching off their sweat, looking down his nose at their ill-perceived inferiority and belittles the very shit job that keeps them flush with electricity and food. People that do that are usually harmed in a parking lots with base ball bats at some future point or at least deserve to be.


      Milking a job at the expense of others is an asshole move that benefits no one. Learn to do a good job, as well as respect co-workers for their hard work and you'll find it carries over into a more fulfilling and rewarding career. One in which colleagues might actually...eventually...like you. Which, I'm told can be exchanged to some degree for free drinks and possible "champagne room" lap dances...at some future date.