5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: #4 The Lazy College Kid

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: 

#4 The Lazy College Kid

You work...so I don't have to. 

      This prick, doesn't have a fucking degree yet. Yet, he believes that since he's in the process of getting one, he's entitled to the privleges associated with having one (e.g. being a counter productive bag of cocks). This douche is more than willing to let you do his share of--almost everything, except the easy stuff. He can usually handle that. What a fuckin' fuckhole. Why are there people like this? I blame college or the ideology associated with it...well, almost.

(handling the easy stuff)      

      I'm sympathetic to the notion of a college education equaling less physically demanding work. I grew up nourished on the teat of 80's/90's sitcoms! Most of which had at least one kid in college and that kid did fucking nothing...except occasionally wear hammer pants and rap badly. 

      They usually did less work in college than I do on a toilet...half an hour after a Taco Bell Grande Meal. Yeah, I know, "Life isn't like t.v.", you're saying. I know that and you know that, but, that doesn't mean our expectations know that. 

      In real life, attaining a higher education is a daunting task. There's a lot of alcohol consumption, masturbation calluses and heart damaging cholesterol from all the pizza, hot dogs and ramen consumed to avoid actual cooking. Plus, there's all the boring porno that's looked up instead of homework and all those fucking books with words in them. WORDS for Christ's sake. They want you to read--if you can fucking believe that. Then, there's the occasional shit side job that must be worked for extra weed money.


      It's still better than pissing life away, in some soul destroying job that involves heavy lifting, right? You're damned right! Oh, sure, there's the unpleasant side effect of becoming a hipster, maybe a cubicle slave or a fluffer for bestiality porn shoots. All of which rate higher than a bad case of hemorrhoids, gently massaged with sandpaper, but that can be lived with. Due to all that sweet, sweet degree enhanced cash flow that degree is going to get you! BIG MONEY! HOLLA!...holy shit, I just typed holla. I can feel the douche' bile rising in my throat. Gross.

Sand paper...hurts...so...good! No...no, it's 

like slowly murdering your own asshole.

      Before descending into the madness of hipster/donkey love, however, science  tells us (I'm assuming, due to making it up) that there's a good chance of becoming an "all around asshole". A big reason is due to the dreamy, fantastic life one envisions will happen after getting a degree. The "good life" with less work, more money and hot and cold running dick/pussy. It's unrealistic, sure, but, that's what dreaming is all about. Unless it gets out of hand and starts to affect the reality of "now". You know, the struggling, know nothing college twerp that's still in school and working the above mentioned shit ass job. 


      It's usually one of these heavy dreamers that starts unconsciously using their schooling, as an excuse to be lazy, ass-face on the job, way before any actual graduating happens. This is the essence of "The Lazy College Kid", we all know and love.

Cock!...or dick I'm undecided.

      Despite having the same relative position in the company as everybody else, his prospects of a future degree, he believes, affords him a disdain for the uneducated shlubs he works with. This view is often associated with people in managerial roles. This is why this dumb ass is often found to be chatting with low level management. Those he feels are his peers and in small ways, snubs those that are actually his peers. Why? Feeling the shitty job he's currently plodding through, is just an inconvenient stepping stone on his way to career based glory. His coworkers are to be regarded as underlings and represent the ilk he'll one day be charged with managing.


      Meanwhile, his current peers  will eventually be relegated to "Forgotten people I worked with, at this shitty job, I had while I was in school" stories. So, in some way, it's "okay" to defer a lot of the work load onto them and speak to them in condescending tones because...fuck em'...that's why. What a douche'.


HOW TO NOT BE THAT GUY:


      A college degree can get you a lot of things; large salaried jobs, happy ending massages on lunch breaks, box seats at local dog fights and hair loss to name a few. Hell, you might even garner a few favors from police officials, who will let you touch yourself in rest areas. What it can't get you is the respect, friendship and possible admiration of co-workers. That is a process that has to be refined over time...with a lot of shit jobs and it doesn't always work. It also doesn't teach you how ball sweatingly suck ass some jobs really are. 

She's meeting people AND getting paid!

     Low paying, menial labor gigs are great for steady cash to fund any aspiring beer pong champion but, for some people, it's their only source of income. Therefore, as someone who hopes to lead such people, they're also a well spring of knowledge regarding professionalism. Utilizing them correctly can go a long way to becoming a well rounded professional...in that career you hope your degree gets you. Ignoring what they can teach can turn you into a stupid ass that no one wants to work with. Which will piss on your stupid, dumb ass idiot parade of a future. No one likes working with dick. Not even that chick in the picture up there. Which is who you'll have to pay for ass because no one will like you.


      What you learn from those shitty jobs is painfully simple and easy to miss: hard work of any kind should be respected and those doing it well, in any station, deserve respect too. Especially those people who work those shitty jobs, day in and day out to put food on their respective tables. They might not be earning a college degree or using the job as a stepping stone to something better. For a lot of them...the shit job is...it. They do it to live and get by.


      It might seem bad but, in some ways it's not. Sometimes, you just get comfortable with what you do in life, eek out a living working hard and that's that. There's no harm in it. It might be hard, but, it pays. If you're satisfied with it, great. It might not be admirable but, it keeps the bill collectors at bay. So be it.

I looked up "not admirable" on Google 

and a picture of Bruce Lee dared me not to put it in here.

--Bruce lee always wins.

      Those people deserve the respect that doing a decent job entails. They don't deserve some scrotum wrinkle, jerk off leaching off their sweat, looking down his nose at their ill-perceived inferiority and belittles the very shit job that keeps them flush with electricity and food. People that do that are usually harmed in a parking lots with base ball bats at some future point or at least deserve to be.


      Milking a job at the expense of others is an asshole move that benefits no one. Learn to do a good job, as well as respect co-workers for their hard work and you'll find it carries over into a more fulfilling and rewarding career. One in which colleagues might actually...eventually...like you. Which, I'm told can be exchanged to some degree for free drinks and possible "champagne room" lap dances...at some future date.

C is for Chair...of the damned. (A to Z Blogging Challenge)

      Yesterday, I found myself shopping, alone. I happened to be in the furniture section of a department store. While perusing the ottomans, easy chairs and couches, I came across the most fantastic chair I had ever seen. It was a dark brown suede couch. The kind you'd think Hugh Hefner has Playboy Bunnies waiting around in...before he bones them. Yeah, that was kind of gross...the guy is 900 years old and bangs people that are the age equivalent of his great grand kids. What the hell is with that? Oh...right...it's every man's dream. I forgot.

I win.

T      he chair was immaculate and splendid in every way. The cushions, plump and firm. The frame sturdy with simple design and brilliantly comfortable. It's cushioning was divine. The only problem was the old lady currently admiring it. 

Bitch.

      She was a kindly old soul. Her white hair curled ever so humbly about her head. Her tweed skirt and jacket were rife with cliche' church going styling. Her eyes were closed and she appeared to have be napping. I hated her. She was violating what would soon be mine...a chair of the gods. 

"Excuse me ma'am...would you kindly remove your death addled ass from my heaven sent furnishing?"

I believe in being firm with the elderly. If not, then, they can grow embittered and snooty very quickly. Then, it's bitch, bitch bitch. 

"Hello? Old Timer? Take your last stand against death's door somewhere else, there are actual buyers present!"

Just then, a salesman approached and interjected, "Sir, may I help you?"

Like this...but, with more facial hair...and Cheeto fingers.

"Indeed you can, good sir. I wish to purchase this fine chair, yet, I am unable to fully test it's capabilities with this future carcass taking up it's awesomeness."

"Sir, you don't have to be rude.", was his reply.

"Rude? I'm merely stating a fact. I'm in a buying frenzy good man and this bag of age is hampering my ability to spread the wealth. Should I take my business elsewhere?"

Sighing in a disapproving manner, he began to try to wrest the woman from her sleep.

"Ma'am? Excuse me ma'am, I'm afraid I need you to get up. Ma'am?". 

The salesman's mood changed to worry and he began to speak louder and with more urgency, "Ma'am? Ma'am, can you hear me?". She remained unresponsive. He checked her breathing and put his ear to her chest. He then, yelled for anyone to call "9-1-1". Another salesman rushed to the phone. The salesman stood up. Other customers gathered to see the commotion first hand.

"Oh, my god.", he said, while rubbing his hand across his forehead in anguish. "Oh, my god, I can't believe this. This is horrible."

"Tell me about it", I replied, "I've been here for 5 whole minutes and this ghastly woman is still in the chair I want to buy."

The salesman turned to me aghast and said, "What? Are you serious? What is wrong with you? This woman is dead."

"Yes...", I replied, "Dead in a chair I desperately want to buy."

"Well, I can't sell it to you now!", he exclaimed.

"Why not?", I retorted.

"A woman's died in the bloody thing!", he shouted.

For a moment, I stood there, looking solemnly down at the woman...taking in the information. A full minute passed between us.

"So, there's a discount then?"

So, who's the proud owner of an old lady killing death chair? This guy.

Kim Jong Un - Harbinger of Tha Boom!

      The world is on the cusp of nuclear holocaust and economic insolvency. Yet, we still find time to look at the lighter side of horrific situations. Though, it's solely out of exploitation, what the hell. Kim Jong Il is a slow rotting corpse and with his passing, the world got a little bit saner. Well, for the time being anyway, his son is taking over for the "dead Dear Leader". It looks as though the Young Un is just as wacky. It seems that the world can't catch a fucking break. We shed one whack job dictator with a nuclear arsenal and pick up his diminished capacity son in exchange. At the very least, the transition between nut bag daddy to nut bag son will be somewhat smooth. The nation, the chubby loon is taking over, thinks he's a fat baby. How absolutely wonderful, he might be a porky version of Napoleon, with nuclear weapons.

Drop that motherfuckin' nuke right there. Fuck YOU Waterloo!

      Should we be that worried about the pudgy little fella? Fuck yes. The death of a Korean maniac and his possibly unstable son might adversely affect the world in ton of ways and not just in a backward societal hilarity kind of way. Kim Jong Un is taking over as president/ruler/dictator of North Korea. Albeit, most dictatorships are thinly veiled as a political party or "people who love their people". Love in this case meaning...taking their money and buying DVD's with it. Rarely do the leaders or their respective parties do anything but starve citizens and harvest children's organs for iTunes downloads. Some are good for their respective country, however, though that number is so low, it hovers right around the same number of outwardly homosexual wood fairies currently residing in your ass. This case, however, might be more abrasive to the world in general. Due to all the nuclear weapons North Korea keeps around. Abrasive, meaning, the chubby Korean dynasty might ramp up the insanity...just for North Korean insanity's sake (i.e. kill everyone). According to the internet, the hand over of power from Kim Jong Il's corpse to Fat Jong Un has been smooth. Well, for the time being it has. It might turn sour, when the Cheeze Doodles run out, so does his Kim Jung Un's inhibitions toward initiating nuclear annihilation. Though, hey, what the hell do I know? He could be an easy going peace monger, hell bent on sentencing the world to a non-stop love in. By love in, I of course mean mass orgy. A mass starving orgy.

Me malnourished peace love you long time!

As hot as overly skinny chicks being boned by small donged emaciated men, might be, it's a long shot. Personally, I see Chub Jong Un's reign going one of three nightmarishly horrible, horrible...fun filled ways. 

North Korea's Government Accepts His Functional Retardation

"So, what you're saying is...this isn't real?"

      It's a tale as old as time, an over weight child rises to power and is accepted in the position, largely due to respect for his lineage, despite being incredibly stupid. Hell, it's even happened recently, check out Turkmenbashi and his whacked out ass. His only redeeming quality was that his insane governance was too hilariously stupid to be construed as offensive. Other than to the Turkmenistan  people that is, but, like my first prison cell mate told me "You'd make a fine woman."...no, wait...it was the other thing. What was it? Oh yeah, "No one gives a shit about Turkmenistan!". I digress. Was that because his country wasn't a real threat to anyone? Maybe. He probably would have named his nuke arsenal "Turkmenbashi"...or "Turkmenbashi's Radioactive Penises". I would have went with the latter. So, perhaps North Korea will accept their moronic man child as their supreme over lord. Why not? They've done it before. What would change now? Kim Jong Un spends the country's money on porno, Cheez Whiz and monotone Dickies outfits, instead of food? Sounds like business as usual. Will North Korea will oust the poor guy? Probably after eating each other in freakish cannibal riots. Let's hope it's this and not this...all at the same time, then again...

North Korea Drops A Reality Check On Jong Un's Retardation

"They took my power!" (or "My fart made me cry!")

      So, the man child has his hand on the nations power stick...or...throttle, whatever it is that leaders get that runs everything. Sooner or later, someone on his staff is going to get wind that he's fucking retarded. Now what? It's only a matter of time before one of them, with actual evil balls, decides to not so pleasantly pimp slap the fat kid and take his power stick. An actual military leader, maybe? A crazy zealot? A way more crazy zealot? A human flesh sated crazy military leader zealot? Perhaps all of the above, with a side of "Fuck the world!". Soon after they seize power (presumably by bribing Kim Jong Un with Froot Loops and booze), they take it upon themselves to sacrifice the world in nuclear hell fire, solely because it doesn't recognize their right to rock out with their communist cock out. Let's hope this doesn't happen. Nuclear crazy is no good for anyone. Speaking of which...

Kim Jong Un Wants To Prove He Has A Dick In His Pants

The plan? We kill everyone then,...we have pie.

      Insecurities are a bitch, especially feelings of inadequacy. Kim Jong Un must have a shit ton of them right now. No one thinks he's good enough for the job. The whole world says so, even his own people. He has the internet, I'm sure. During the mourning period after the death of his father, he must have been drunk as shit and crying at least once and trolled the internet. I like to think he was looking for a fat Korean date to his father's funeral. Alas, shit faced, sad and eating fist fulls of Corn Nuts and chugging Red Bull, he saw it. Nestled between eHarmony profiles of chubby Korean women looking for a "dick-tator", he saw it. News sites and news blogs calling him what everyone assumes he is...a moron. Did it anger him? Possibly. Woudl it anger you? We might never know, being that food and humanitarian aid rarely get over North Korean borders, a "Fucking fuck you, guys, YOU'RE THE FUCKING MORONS, MORONS!" comment probably would make it out. So, while processing and getting angered by the "dipshit dictator" label, the dipshit will try to prove to the world, that he's "too legit to quit". How? By bombing the every living fuck out of every living fuck. What better way to show you have a pair, than irradiating everyone else's? I definitely hope it's not this one. I like my testicles, both of them., intact...and un-mutated by fission reaction. Shit. I might send him a case of Oreo's just so I make the "nice" list. 

BOOM, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Fuck I Love Hate!

      I looove hateful people. All those extra O's are for all the extra love. I'm a giver. A giver of extra "O" love. Hateful people allow me to believe I am a decent and good person. Without hateful people, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Not without sobbing uncontrollably and possibly urinating on myself in self deprecation. Luckily, episodes where those things do happen, are confined to the moment after the morning shit and tooth brushing.

The floaties are in case I cry a river.

      I can make it through my day, in large part, knowing that there are high profile, hate mongers trudging their way through the same world, I muck through. Their existence allows me to breath easy. Knowing that any hate I throw out into the world, is tiny in comparison to those bunch of walking rectal irritants. I love/hate epic hate peddlers like...

Ann Coulter

It's like she's burning your soul out with those eyes. Yikes.

      Ann Coulter is a right wing, lawyer pigeon from outer space. She's got pushes out more BTU's of hot political insanity, than an Ecstasy fueled political science co-ed. This bitch is crazy. Ugly, hate crazy. She hates Muslims, gays, liberals, freedom, intelligence, facts, sense, peace, style, poise, grace and I'm pretty sure living kittens. She is a bona fide lady lump of bat shit insanity with a book deal. I love her because when I want to feel argumentative, patriotic and right, which I do a lot. I watch this dumb bitch talk. She's a bucket of anger fueled stupidity with titties. Fugly titties. Watching this retarded chick ramble on about whatever controversial subject matter conservatives hate this week is a joy. Whether it's abortion, terrorists, prayer in school or book burning this vapid blonde has a statement. An obviously moronic hate slanted opinion, you might find yourself amazed hasn't gotten her beat to death yet. She's Rush Limbaugh with a pussy and just as attractive. What you might not understand is that this is how she makes money. She says outlandish shit so that she can sell her books that have equally outlandish shit in it. That is the only real reason for her hate bullshit. It's her schtick. If not, then, she's in the short line for a serious car bombing. 

Fox News

      These fuckin' guys. Holy shit. They spout hate laced non-facts like an anger lie chucking lawn sprinkler. Then, after riddling the ground with sloppy shit talk, they don't even don't apologize for the mess. When they're abso-fuckin'-lutely, cato-fuckin'-strophically wrong, it's not their fault, it's everyone else's. It's basically the same shit Ann Coulter does except it's calling itself a news network. The most vile nonsensical politicizing shit they can get away with is on this channel 24/7. None of it's actual news. It's more like, fitful angry ranting by conservative white guys. Let me clarify. Imagine we time warped back to post civil war America. We invent the t.v. We set up the standard networks, including: Cartoon Network, CSPAN, Food Network and a few of those naughty channels involving obscene things with farm equipment. The one's you don't rent, but, kinda do "just to see". Now, if large communities/groups all got their own representative channel (ala BET), Fox News would be the disgruntled white plantation owners network. Though, they aren't blatant about it, Fox News likes to spread bullshit around like a televangelist spreading donation banter. Normally, I view Fox News with a morbid curiosity, as I do most U.S. news networks. Most seem to have picked a side in the great Democrat, Republican idiocy war. I wouldn't normally care, if it wasn't for the fact that they still call themselves "news" networks. They are to news what an "escort" is to hooking. The escorts say they're just payed to attend a party with you, even while they're sucking your dick hooker style. I like Fox News because they demonstrate,on a regular basis, that there's a large majority of people that watch this bullshit. Why would I like that? Because knowing those people exist and watch that shit, makes me feel smarter than those people. How can you NOT like that?

Nutty Rich People

Yaaaay! I almost own everything!

      Okay, maybe hateful is a strong word for this group of people. I mean, if it wasn't for we slaving lower and middle class, they wouldn't have any money. Why the hate, right? Well, perhaps it's not hate, but, discriminatory...in who to kill. Apparently there are a couple of really rich bastards (Ted Turner and Bill Gates to name a couple), that believe the world would run a lot smoother, with a lot less of air breathers on it. Be it through extraneous vaccinations or just plain whackin' a large swath of people, these rich pricks are down for thinning out the lower end. Where do they get off, right? Well, they get off with a lot of fucking money. Bill Gates uses his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to buy vaccinations for poor people in third world countries. This is in hopes that the vaccinations will some how turn their immune systems into overused junk, much like a well worn prostitute. So, when the next real pants shitting, pandemic comes round, those people will be ripe for the dying. The idea behind the vaccinations and the killing of less desirable people falls back to something called eugenics. It's the idea that less is more. Cut out the "less than ideal" population and the smarter "ideal" people can thrive. Who are the "ideal"? You guessed it...rich people. I think it's great when crazy people are rich and full of moronic ideas. It goes to show that even high up on the monetary chain...there are still complete fucking idiots. So, I don't feel so bad. 

I'd like to go on record as saying, 

"Killing anyone that isn't me is perfectly fine with me."