Friday, September 30, 2011

The All New..."iPaid" for this shit already, didn't I?

      Is it just me or is technology moving sideways? Fuck, it's moving backwards too! Bullshit, huh? Well, allow me to blow your mind! NOT in a blow job way. That's your mama tells me. HA! Alright, alright, back to it. An example of technology back peddling like a boy feeling up a mannequin? Well, take for instance, Apple, the big boy. How many times can they change the shape of a fucking iPod touch and call it new? First it was the iPod Touch, then, they slapped a phone in it and called it an iPhone, then, they stretched it out and called it an iPad. Certainly, that's has to be sideways tech. What the fuck. It's the same fucking thing!

Imagine the porn-sibilities. 

      Shit. I feel...I don't raped. Is that a thing? If should be. So, how is re-naming an iPod touch a hundred times moving backwards? Back in the day, they had handheld turds called PDA's, which did a lot of the same "super de-duper awesomeness" an iPod does, minus the apple logo and fingering screen. Yet, they still provided a great way to view digital porno, for the discerning pervert on the run. Which is very important. So, is this what we've come to? Are we buying the same shit over and over again? Are we in the midst of a full blown conspiracy? A Loch Ness Alien Illuminati Governmental Mason New World Order Agenda! Don't argue. That's what I'm calling it now. Don't like it?'s obvious you're in on it and can't be trusted, so, fuck you. That is how these conspiracy things work right?

Now, pretend like you're not listening, 
while I lay a little truth on you, NON-BELIEVER!

      Time travel with me, back to the time of ancients, a time of creepy, eye glass wearing, nerd wizards that used magic boxes to play games with other equally nerdy wizards. A time, of foggy small villages, deep in the past. A time where bands of miscreants called "gangstas" rolled through the streets at night, scaring townsfolk with their thunderous car "bass". A bleak, dark age called "the late 90's". During this time, Pocket PC's, Palm Pilots and Handsprings were sold as...THE FUTURE!

Sonofanuglybitch! It looks iPhone...ish.

      Yeah, that's Ebay on there. You could get on the internet with it. Basically, minus the phone part and the touchy screen part (PDA's used tiny dildos to jab at the screen), it was basically an What happened? We got all Martrixy, slide open, flip top phone hungry. Yep, cell phones got more memory, got smaller and they flipped open. That's almost as important as cell-porn. Phones flipped the fuck open. Awesome right! It was like a Star Trek Tricorder. How the fuck can you re-enact an episode of Star Trek properly without a tricorder? Wha? What's a Tricorder? Idiot. Why don't you know these things? had a social life growing up. Ha...right, okay. Seriously? Really? I'm Sorry. Fuck hole.

Star Trek Tricorder, for those of you who 
weren't lonely shut-in's, that masturbated a lot and cried yourself to sleep...
while watching Star Trek.

      There's something going on. I mean, companies selling us the same shit in a different box and charging us again. It's just wro-...Holy tits on a clown! That's it! They're just selling us the same ol' shit...just to make more money! Muther fuckin' genius. Why am I not that smart? Oh...yeah,...I did lots of drugs. I forgot. Well, maybe it's not much of a conspiracy. Maybe more like..."good business sense". I don't really know much about conspiracies, except the one that explains why Oreo's taste so good. It has to do with porn star sweat generated by all the boning they do. Oh, don't look at me like that. That's why Oreo's taste as good...if not better than sex. Everyone knows this. Why are you are so out of the loop? 

Thank you, Einstein. 

      I digress, so, we are advancing sideways...and then, backwards. It's not just iShit. It's almost everything. Check it out, we had records, then, radio, then, hand held radios, then, records (again!), tapes, then, CD's (which are basically digital records played with a laser needle), now digital...mp3's? the weird one or PERHAPS NOT! Sorry...I exaggerated for dramatic purposes. I hope you didn't spontaneously shit your pants. If you did. Ew. (ahem) Soon programs like Spotify will use/replace them. Then, you'll have Spotify or something like it that broadcasting your mp3s and other people's bull shit to your phone, computer, stereo, leather bondage mask...much station. What the fuck?! Yeah. Welcome to the future. It's radio!

The All New...Apple iRadio. Coming Soon, bitches...get ready...
it's gonna be...mother fuckin' EXPENSIVE!

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