Monday, September 5, 2011

EWWW gross you're showering?!

I stink. Well, that's what I'm constantly thinking. I feel like I have a problem. I think I smell funky long before anyone else does. Yeah, I know. "That's a good thing, Elton.". I like to think so, but, since no one else thinks so, I tend to relegate it paranoia. Hygiene paranoia. So, I feel funky, almost constantly. Like a rape victim might feel dirty, but with actual dirt...I can't seem to wash it off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying, I'm OCD constantly scrubbing brain damage dirty. With every shower, I buy a half day to a day's worth of clean.

That's cleeean-fuckin-tastic!

So, amid the scrubba-dub, sweet, sweet shower rub down. I thought to I doing some damage with all this awesome washing? Fuck, people in the middle ages, pre...olden times were all smelly and scared of water and shit, but, they survived and surely had sex. Well, hoop skirt, pantaloon sex but, still...they got it on. Hell, cavemen sure as shit didn't wash their asses on a regular basis. I'm thinking the only time water got near their balls was when they went tearing into a river hunting bison.

And he needed to be hunted.

So, where does that leave me? Showering too much? Well, turns out that washing everyday can be a bad thing. The soap actually removes vital oils that keep your skin healthy. Plus, while washing the various parts of your unmentionables you're actually moving germs and bacteria from one part of your body to the other. Your soapy ass washing is like express train for grossness to travel all over your body. Can you fucking believe that shit. This whole time, yeah, well, that's not all, it actually dries out your skin. Yeah, sure, a lot of folks already knew that, but, it also irritates and exposes that dried out skin to airborne bacteria or even the shit that's already in your bathroom. It doesn't sound like a big deal. You might keep a clean bathroom, maybe the cleanest bathroom in your hood. That doesn't stop the creepy crawlies from getting in. They float, like a tomato soup skin through the air...drifting around...eventually drifting onto your freshly washed crotch. Ew. Not to mention that even though you think it's as sterile as a lab in that bathroom of yours, it sooo fucking isn't. It's meth lab clean at best. METH LAB AT BEST! Well, that was for dramatic purposes...unless you have a meth lab in your bathroom, then, I was DEAD ON! Regardless, it's a gross mess in there and now your damaged skin is dancing around in it...doing your floppy towel dry dance in all those microbes. 

I'm ah dirrrty bitch! You ah dirrrty bitch! 
We dirrty bitches, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Though, as I said up there, cavemen, middle aged dwellers and the rest of their ilk survived fine with the bacteria and shit floating in the air. I should be fine. We should be fine. Though, what about my complexion? How am I supposed to get through the day NOT being a sexy bitch? Yeah, soap and showering actually make your skin more tough and rough and tough. Like a biker, the desert...covered in...some kind of powdery drying get it, fucking tough and dry. So, dry tough skin is a bitch and for some even worse. When cracked dry skin on your junk doesn't make you question the showering thing, then...maybe you don't need the equipment. Donate it to Goodwill or a homeless guy...or something.

If it overflows this cup, I'LL TAKE IT!

With all this bullshit, what the hell is a person to do? Well, according to tons of folks...washing every other day is fine. I can live with that...maybe, maybe not. Though, there seems to be a beckon of hope. It says that if I wash with cooler water, it's less damaging. Though, I'm not sure if that's like saying, "If you put a cooler steel hook up your nose it takes out less of your brain when you yank it out."  


  1. Frosted Flakes, mother fucker.

  2. Are you hitting on me, mother fucker?!

  3. No. The only thing I'm hitting on right now is my gonads with a woman's size six high heel shoe.

    To be fair, I am thinking of you as I do it though.

    Mother fucker.

  4. Damn that's sexy. Obscenely retarded...but, sexy. You and your mother's shoe are hired. Do you do children's parties or is it just a "for your extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Dolls" type of show, motherfucker?

  5. If by children's parties you mean my uncle, then yes.


  6. If by uncle you're referring to what used to be your aunt, then, yes, that's what I'm talking about. Say, how is the old man/woman? How he/she survived a do it yourself sex change I'll never know. The wonders one can work with steak knives, pliers and a shell of an existence. Does "it" still need a fifth of scotch just to wake up in the morning, motherfucker?


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