Monday, September 5, 2011

Kids Shows!: The Demented Truth

My kids watch an ass load of t.v., when they're not playing an ass load of games of course...or blaming each other for shit involving said t.v. and games. So, this inevitably leads to me watching a lot of kids t.v. Which, over time, I have come to not mind so much...well, not as much as you might think. There are a lot of parents and these days grandparents that might understand that, not to say that you find it nearly as entertaining as I do. Hell, that's not to say that if you don't have kids you won't understand. Let me say this though, if you watch kiddie t.v. on a regular basis and aren't severely retarded, stoned out of your mind during it or damaged your cable/satellite receiver by spilling bong water in it making kids shit the only channels you get. You need to discover the fun filled world of porn. There's a whole grown up world out there for you. JUMP IN AND DIDDLE YOURSELF! No one is looking I promise...well, except Santa...and Jesus.

He's everywhere.

For those of us forced to endure hours and hours of repeated kids shows, it can suck. Well, let me tell you, with a little repetition...and by that I mean a lot, your mind might find a way to make it enjoyable well, tolerable. Along my long, arduous road to children's entertainment toleration, I managed to discover a couple things that have shaken my belief concerning the overall innocence and naivete of these shows. Some of them are outright insane! Like...

Blue's Clues

For those few of us not in the know, 'Blue's Clues' is the tale of a twenty something year old man named Steve (or Joe for those of us late to the game) and his dog Blue. The show takes, usually in Steve's house. Blue his dog comes up with shit NOT to tell  Steve and Steve has to figure shit out by figuring out clues Blue indicates by leaving his paw print on various objects around the house. The objects invariably link together together to reveal the shit the fucking dog wouldn't just tell Steve outright. 

  Lookit all dat shit!

I mean, I get the concept of the show, it's repetitive, kids learn...something. It's for kids. Now, here's what I eventually came to understand. Steve is crazy. "How the fuck do you figure, Elton?", you say? "Because he's the only fucking real human you, crooked tooth bitch!". Sorry, I was imagining arguing with a crack whore there. He's clinically insane. On top of that he must have done something to be put into isolation. You know, padded cell kinda thing...only, I'm thinking no straight jacket. I mean, come on, he's not a eat your insides,  while wearing a diaper, then turn your skin into a suit for the white rabbit's tea party violent. Maybe just, disturbing the other patients kind of infraction. Let me explain. First, a refresher...

See, everything in the Steve's world is a cartoon. It's imaginary. The entire thing takes place in Steve's head. The audience, the house, the talking shit in the house, Blue...ALL of it. He's talking to himself and walking around a padded cell. Shit, when he has to walk anywhere in the show, he walks in place. If that's not a hint, I don't know what is. What really got me was that when other real people are on the show, they seem like they are acting it all out for Steve's benefit. Like, "Play along or Steve might lose his shit." kind of acting. Except Joe, he's a different story. "Ah, but, Elton, Joe comes in and he sees Blue and all the other horse shit! What about that, you stupid mother fucker!" Well, first, I don't appreciate the tone. Second, it is possible that Steve transferred his delusion to Joe. So, eat that, bitch. It was all a weird crazy guys hallucination. 

Mister Rogers Neighborhood

Watching all of the children's learning shit that my kids watch and eventually coming around to how demented some of it was, I inevitably thought about the shows I watched growing up. Yeah, I thought about it...and it was fucked up too. I mean, I watched Mister Rogers when I was little. Kindly old man, who lives by himself, teaching me about crayons and shit by taking factory tours and playing with puppets. What was wrong with that? Well, nothing, until you run into the tripping out and playing with puppets on the other side of his wall. What the fuck was that about? All is going good. He's speaking to you in that slow, deliberate child like tone that makes him seem kind of "slow". Come to think of it, he might have been slow. Ever watch when he's goes off to watch milk being made or some shit? He acts out how the fucking machine works, sound effects and all! The factory foreman or worker who's always with him always has a kind of grin like, "Look at this crazy mother fucker right here". 

Currently converting cow juice to nightmare fuel!

Despite being a man operating with a diminished capacity, he was also whacked out crazy. The man has a train that takes him to a land of puppets, though, we never see him on the other side of the wall...we know he's working the puppets. Though, the strange doesn't stop's the fact that other people join in. These are real people, though, I'd venture a guess and say that those folks are various people kindly Fred has suckered into his house with promises of cardigan sweaters and craft time. Now, imprisoned in his secret panic room style isolation prison, they play out his sick demented stories. They're probably suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, relying on Mr. Rogers for nourishment and love. They depend on him for everything, food, water, beautiful days when they're not pimp whipped. I imagine there was ever a time, like when the first victims were put behind the wall, that they feared the trolley that signaled the arrival of their master of horrors. Now, they are obedient in every puppet lovin' way. And with that constant "shucks I don't know what the fuck is going on" smile, who could blame them for playing along. Poor bastards.

Welcome to Hell!

Dora The Explorer

My kids loved Dora. What's not to like? A Mexican child running wild through the countryside with an equally wild monkey that talks. Where were this kids parents? She's running around unsupervised. Her only guidance is a map who constantly leads her along the most dangerous path possible, a functionally retarded monkey that wears boots. I mean, come on, a monkey wearing boots is like, tying a swimmers legs together with chain and throwing them in a river. The monkey has hands for feet! That shit can come in handy when you need to...I don't know, climb shit effortlessly? What the fuck. 

Yay for purposefully limiting yourself!

What gets me is the lessons you can plainly see are being taught: the Spanish, and the lessons that are being taught unbeknownst: to hell with our parents they know nothing, back packs have unlimited capacity, thieves will give you all your shit back if you tell them to stop stealing from you...three times and always listen to monkeys. Now, there are some lessons that I plainly see that are unintended I think. The glaring one that I found was Swiper is not a thief in the classic sense, but, more...a complete asshole. 

What a shit stain.

Yeah, he doesn't take their shit run off and pawn it to buy fox weed or whatever drug foxes take when their not stealing shit. No. He takes their shit, says, "You're too late! You'll never find it now.", then he fucking chucks their shit into the woods, rocks or other place that could disguise the shit he JUST stole. You get that? He doesn't even want their shit. He just ganks their possession and with a hearty toss gives them a big FUCK YOU! Then, runs away. The lesson unintentionally taught? People do mean shit some times just to be outright fucking assholes. Which, isn't such a bad lesson to teach at all, because it's very, very fucking true.

Slim Goodbody

A lot of you might not remember this fella. Back when I was little, this Jew froed fella taught lessons about the human body and how all your gear worked. Well, except the sexual stuff...I had to wait for softcore porn to help me along with that. Reminiscing...I don't know how I didn't have nightmares about this guy. I mean, really, how did I manage to concentrate on what he was saying without focusing solely on the fact that he had his organs on the outside of his body.

The special bonus was night terrors.

What the fuck was wrong with the world that this guy, with his heart painted on the outside of his body and bones running up his leg, got a kids show? Maybe you can chock it up it being a different time, where people were more accepting of ABSOLUTE HORROR on children's programming. Oohhhh...but, if it was just the organs and goddamn intestinal tract on his body suit. If only! You might say, "Yeah, well, he's talking about the body and such, it gives him some kind of authority, looking like that.". Okay, sure, but did he have to do his show on a set with body parts and organs laying about and veins and want not painted on the fucking walls?

This is how I devour children...children.

So, what can I say. Children's shows are strange and fascinating world even if you don't give them a weird spin. Alas, I did learn a lot from shows like these. I'm not knocking it. I'm just trying to help you out with the re-watch value. It's a bitch to calm your "Dammit, again?!" impulse. Maybe, I have given you a tool to use before it comes to gouging your eyes out to the background music of whatever it is your kid watches. It's something to think about during the long hours of  DVD's on repeat. Remember the kids are learning something and now, you can have your own way of coping. I'm glad I could help.

I had a lot more, but, time has run out for me. Not...I'm not dying, I'm just tired. So, I'll say later and for all of you who might be going to sleep too...a parting thought...

Slim paints his walls with giant intestines.


  1. The kids show I find myself watching is iCarly and Victorious. They are the few that don't have horrible acting, like all the Disney Channel shows. Those are brain numbing. And all the women are Legal lol.

  2. Those shows are for teenies or tweens...or both. I've seen my fair share of those too. Some of the jokes have adult undercurrents, so, I can see how it's watchable. Oh, and yes...they are very, very illegal and oddly enough...all clones.


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