Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse: Preparing the Kids!

So, I am awakened at what feels like "too fucking early for me" in the morning to the requests of my son wanting me to shoot zombies.

I should explain.

See, I play this game on occasion. It's called Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare. The point of the whole thing is, in a nutshell, shoot fucking the old west. And really, is there any other reason for zombies, if not to shoot at them? Or in the case of Rob Zombie and Michael Jackson, sell records by making them sing and dance?

The most recent picture of Mr. Jackson. 

So, in what I can only imagined looked like a drunken, tired stumble, I find my way down stairs to an awaiting Xbox and it's cowboy gore fest. Low an behold, no zombies around the kid. What the hell? So, in the haze between the waking world and sweet, sweet sleep, I help him find and kill zombies. What the fuck else am I good for? There I am plugging away, when my mind starts to drift, as it inevitably does on these occasions. How can people play these fucking games for hours? It's ridiculous. Sitting there for hours, days even, good god. Shit, it's even killed people! Now, I'm not saying everyone that pisses their life away to save some ungrateful princess from the clutches of an uncaring digital whatever in the fuck is wrong. It's your life. Piss it away in any manner you like. Jerk off to midget Sasquatch porn while humming the 'My Little Pony' theme song and choking yourself, as long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to govern my child army, deal with border line poverty and/or raise the price of fucking gas, I don't care. Sit on your fat ass all day, doing the button mash dance all day long. Fuck it. I've never been that keen on wasting my formative years on goofy colors dancing around on a screen. But, it works for some people...and you know, fuck them.

To me, they're all winners. 

What I'm getting at and what my mind eventually drifted on to is "the line". I call it that, because everyone has an invisible boundary in their mind when it comes to shit like video gaming. Whether it's about content, ability to play or at what point you go from being a "some time player" to "complete fucking loser", everyone has "the line" drawn in their mind. I was thinking about "the line" or at least some people's version of it while playing that game for my son. Some would say he's too young, to play such games is over that line. "Exposing a kid that young to such violence is disgusting", I imagine someone would say, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" another might say. "Elton, mixing sedatives with dynamite is an awful way to kill a man" to which I'd reply with a smirk, "I thought he should end his night with a bang.". Sorry, that last one was me as James Bond. Sorry, I digress. At what point did people get stupid on a regular basis? Sure, there were a fair amount of stupid people in the world when I was growing up, but, now it seems like they're everywhere! They're even running a news network. Good god. They take their stupidity and apply it to shit they think other people should be doing. As though, some where along their imperious rise to stupidity super stardom they had the secret to "the absolute best way to live" lain at their feet. Now they have to tell whole world about it! Truth be told, I might actually  give them a listen, if they weren't all brain dead and unequivocally retarded.  

Video games are today what jazz and pot was in the 30's, rock and roll and pot was in the 50's, free thought and pot was in the 60's, and not showering and pot was in the 90's, it's the latest "youth gone wild" thing. Soon, it will be acceptable on almost every level. There are still hold outs on the rock and roll...and not showering...and we're still thinking about the other thing. Regardless, they'll be advertising video game shit in doctors offices, next to the latest mind for leaky anuses. I don't know medicines. Are games like this changing my child? I don't know, really. Did 'Double Dragon' change me? I don't think so, well, other than remember the game and associating it with hanging out with my brother, it did next to nothing. Though...I do recall...once...running down the street with a bandanna, spin kicking the shit out of everyone I saw. I remember it being an isolated incident and has since been remedied with medication. SELF medication. 

Sweet, sweet self medication.

I don't see the harm in it. He manipulates a cowboy who shoots a gun. If he can ever figure out how to do that in real life with a video game controller, bravo! He'll be a wicked criminal mastermind. Maybe with a cool name like, Mind Bendo...or The Man Puppet Master. I apologize. I'm really bad at naming masterminds. So, will games like these make it easier for him to commit or accept violence? I seriously doubt it. If you were in a parking lot and some sick fuck opened fire, would you say, "Meh, because of all those crazy video games and news stories, I am accepting of this situation. FIRE AWAY PAL WE'RE USED TO IT!"? No. You'd be crouched by your car simultaneously checking yourself for unwanted bullet holes, praying to whatever god might be listening at the time and sobbing "Why me?, What's going on? Why is this happening? Is that shit in my pants? WHOSE SHIT'S IN MY PANTS!?". Don't feed me nonsense that because a video game player made a  fake bullet leave a fake gun the world somehow became a worse place. That's asinine. For those of us without the internet and the ability to look up words...asinine means fucking stupid. My kid is going to be just fine. If anything, I hope he might one day recall a memory of him playing said video game, running up some stairs and waking his Dad to help kill zombies and smile fondly. Plus, there's the off hand chance that if ever the world is plunged into a cowboy era filled with flesh eating zombies, he'll be able to handle long as he can shoot via controller.  


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.