Thursday, September 8, 2011

I lost a billion dollars? At least I got shit faced.

I, like every person on this or any other planet, lose shit. I, however, think I lose more shit than most. I am always asking where my own shit is, like I'm practicing for the alzheimer's Olympics.. I'd lose my ass if this chair wasn't attached to it. Sometimes, my ability to lose shit quickly, startles me. Seriously. Let me ask you, do keys grow Toy Story legs, run away because they have grown to hate me because I am constantly  forcing them to penetrate the van ignition? No? Then, I just fucking lost them. It seems like I lose every fucking thing these days. My sock, keys, wallet, job, sense of self worth, dignity, moral abhorrence to self strangulation for erotic pleasure, I've lost them all. Though, I am glad to know, that my slight foibles in the land of the lost is nothing compared to losing a prototype worth a gazillion fucking dollars.

Anyone see one of these laying around? 
It's worth more than Jesus's flip flops. Anyone? Anyone?

Let me set the scene. You're a young pud working for Apple. One grand, sweet Apple day you get tasked with taking the new IPhone 5 for a spin and let them know if there are any defects and want not. You're all, "Awesome! I'm the only...ONLY one on the planet with this phone. Fuck, they must super trust me. SUPER LOVE ME! This could be just the career break I need..." and so on and so forth, and with heavy responsibility, literally in your hand, you set out into the world. Now, here's something to think about. If given such a demanding and potentially rewarding assignment, you'd think you might give the security of said immensely rare object left in your charge a priority one status in your Hello Kitty day planner. Right?

4 o'clock: Important! Do not shit on future with company. 
5 o'clock massage... 
(Note: Get happy ending this time!)

Not fucking up your big deal assignment, might seem like a no brainer to most of us that currently reside in...this reality. Some folks apparently have a lose definition of what "not fucking up" means. A couple of us might thing it's okay to let a kid bet on a horse at the race track. Sure. Others might say...give their kid a tug on a beer bottle once. Maybe. One guy, thought it would be alright to get shitfaced at a Tequila bar in San Francisco and leave the one object that had the potential to rape his future of any kind of career and possibly cause the company he worked for to lose billions of dollars. Yeah, well, get this...he's not the only one. There was this guy. He lost the IPhone 4 prototype in a bar too. What the fuck is with these retards leaving shit in bars. Apple needs to get a more stringent hiring process in place. Soon they'll be hiring pedophiles to run the in-house day care facility. 

Watch the kids? Sure. Pants optional, right? 

Poor, stupid bastard. Yeah, I know...people make mistakes. How he made this one...who knows. I can only imagine the "Oh, shits!" and "What the fuck am I gonna do!"s that flew around after he got his two wits together and figured out how he might have blown his company's wad. It would be a hell of a thing if it was only the first time Apple fucked up like this. But, no...same kind of shit happened before with the IPhone 4. You would think, Steve Jobs, upon hearing about this latest IPhone 5 bullshit would calmly stand up from behind his gleaming white, plastic IDesk...grow horns...quietly...then, turn, to whomever told him the bad news, look them over, his eyes fueled with the fires of hell and damnation and proceed to punch a hole in their chest whilst...roaring. Apple headquarter's walls would lose structural integrity with the force of a hundred mutilated Apple employees bodies being hurled at them. The house that Steve Wozniak built would crumble while Steve "Hell Fire" Jobs stood amid the smoldering ashes sniffing the air, searching for his missing IPhone progeny, The guy still works for Apple...well, so far as anyone can tell anyway. Alas, someone jacked the phone from the bar and hasn't been seen since. Though, Apple did send out a team of recovery folks to track down the phone. They used the GPS MobileMe in the phone to track it and shut it down. After bricking the phone, they proceeded to the apartment, impersonated police officers. Yeah, Apple employees impersonating a cop. I imagine it looked something like this...

Just give us the IPhone and we'll go easy. 

It seems the only person to get fired from the whole ordeal so far, is the head of security for such matters. "Well,  no shit. " Yeah, well, I think everybody involved should get the shit canning of an Apple lifetime. Apple looks like a bumbling bunch of fuck ups. I am really beginning to wonder if they actually made their money off of computers and aren't really selling their employees to medical medicinal experimentation without their knowledge. Hell, maybe Cobra like organization is just using Apple as a front. One of these days, the IPhones will light up with their "MindfuckMe" hidden programming, turning all users into zombies, Cobra commander will then emerge from beneath the secret Cobra base deep within Crater Lake (later to be named Cobra Lake), take over t.v. and bust into an "Ehhsssy" filled monologue about world domination. Really, there can be no other real reason for making your company look this inept. Some are saying, it's a publicity stunt. What kind of dumb ass would approve this shit? Steve Jobs must be rolling over in his future grave.  Fuck, the whole company is starting to look like Thurston Howell the third on Gilligan's Island. Seriously, how did that fucking moron get rich anyway?

Sellin' muh brains!

So, what have I learned from Apple's little fiascoes? Well, I'd like to say I learned to keep track of my various bits of junk and now have deeper respect for organization. I'd also like to say I cured cancer, by getting a winning lottery ticket that was being handed out by super models, between free blow jobs, but, neither of the above statements would be true. I have derived something from the Apple mess though and you should too. Just remember that no matter what you lose, your loss will never equal a fuck up as big as losing a sought after object worth billions after a booze fueled night of incompetency. So there...don't you feel better? By...the...way...have you seen my pants? They were just here...

1 comment:

Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.