Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dumb Ass Movie Stars!: A Suggestion

Movies were and are a heavy duty past time for me. During my formative years, movies guided and to some degree augmented, who I would become, as well as providing entertainment and masturbatory stimuli. What would my teen years have been like without the television glow and sweet rack of softcore porn hostess Rhonda Shears from Up All Night? A lot more boner free. My mind reels with the implications.

Oh, Rhonda how thy moved me.

Without the subtle moments of inspiration movies provided, would I be the stunning incarnation of perfect awesome...incarcerated and stunted in this brainless moronic cell of meat? Would I even appreciate a wicked big rack o' tits? Short of a coke and rum fueled Leaving Las Vegas amnesia inducing bender...probably. Regardless, I can now, reflect on that vast knowledge I've collected and continue to collect through past and future years of movie consumption and...with all confidence...tell you...some movies stars are just plain doing their,  whatever in the fuck they do, fuckin' wrong. Like, if you punched a priest and he slipped on a bible, fell back onto and crushed a child...that in turn crushed a button...that killed a nation. That kind of wrong. Hm. Okay...well, maybe not THAT wrong, because that was just wrong...but, still. I think we can agree that in a lot of instances, actors are fucking dumb. Possibly, diaper dependent dumb. Come's acting. You can try and feed me the shit that it's an art. Sure. It has to be crafted over years. Whatever. It has to culled to perfection, culminating in that one...moment...where the written word is eloquently translated into real, human emotion given a vessel of pure artistry. Piss on that. It's reading fucking lines, thinking about them and saying..." says I should say this sad. Welp, time to put on my sad face and cry while I talk." Cut and fuckin' dry. That's what it is. You can jerk yourself off about what you believe it is. Just don't cum on my doorstep with it. See, that? I said jerking off and cum! Gross. Heh, heh, heh...What? Oh yeah. Some actors are just doing the wrong thing these days.


 No, that's not what I'm talking about. Though, bat shit crazy celebrities are a guilty pleasure of mine. I'm not talking about them this time around. What I'm talking about are actors who, for who knows what reason...can't wrap their heads around and...possibly refuse to understand what they are best at. Who have instead chosen to embarked on a career that has lead to embarrassing type casting and devaluation of their acting brand. Brand meaning..."You know that guy...uh...Ben Affleck? He won an Oscar.", possible reponse, "He did? For Daredevil?" to which the answer is, "Fuck no! Did someone punch you in the dick and hit you with a bag of dumbass? It was for writing Good Will Hunting,...ass.", to which the final reply is..."Man, he should just write, because his action movies suck genitals.". Which of course is completely correct. Ben Affleck should stick to writing fucking movies and stop trying to "brand" himself as a fucking action star. See? Stop trying to be what you're not. Ben Affleck has his place...and it's not action.

Or as a Kenny Loggins impersonator for that matter. 

Sometimes an actor finds themselves indulging a desired role for a little too long. Everyone wishes they could, fuck...I don't know...ride a horse or sky dive into the Grand Canyon, it's normal. You want to try shit you find interesting. Most of us, however, realize that if you did learn to ride a horse, you'll probably never win a race or buy a ranch or be one of those useless horse carriage guys that leaves horse shit all over New York. You might get a few lessons, maybe you're talented or get good at it and you can toss it on a resume...amateur horse riding...fondler....or whatever you'd put down for pretty good horse mounter. You wouldn't enter the Kentucky Derby, because, hey, lets face it, the probable screams of logical beings parading around you saying, "YOU'RE NOT THAT FUCKING GOOD AT IT!" would be so deafening, you might reconsider paying the entrance fee. Well...some of these fucks paid the entrance fee...and continue to lose every damn race. In fact...they spend a large majority of their "horse race" getting fucked by the horse. Take for instance...

Nicolas Cage

Currently getting horse raped.

Mr. Cage started out the way a lot of actor types started "B" movies. Though, when your uncle is Francis Ford Coppola, you don't stay in the "B"s all that long and...he didn't. He shifted over to high school comedies, because that's how you whore yourself as a young actor, dammit. Anyway, he then, graduates to actual comedies and...surprisingly...they're good. DAMN good. I mean, he had the face for it, the voice...that, "look at me, I'm a quasi-idiot" walk. He was fantastic! Watch Raising Arizona for fuck's sake. The man is a bona fide genius. Then, shit rained down from the heavens and he took a turn for the turds. Some nameless Hollywood dip shit fucked up and told him he should be an action star. Much like the metaphorical crack rock...he got a taste...and was hooked. The comedic Nicolas Cage hasn't been seen since. Someone should give him a call and tell him that, "Hey, since you're poor and all now...DO FUCKING COMEDIES, ASSHOLE! Your action foray into action movies has churned out nothing but the cinematic equivalent cow shit and beer farts. You fucking ass face.". It's so mother fucking frustrating! He could have been doing comedies this whole time! Maybe, interject with a serious drama now and then, ala Steve Martin or shifted over to dramatic serious shit like Bill Murray. Billy boy and Steveie did alright and gained mad respect with it. Someone slap the action shit out of Nicolas "Action Jackson" Cage, will you? Tell him to wake the hell up. Fuck. It's lame enough with just him...but, there's this guy too...

Val Kilmer

Ever fattening Val fucking Kilmer

What happened to him? Did he get hit in the head by a Battarang? Did someone slip his career a roofy and fuck it into extinction? It seems like he's just slipping more and more into obscurity and hating every minute of it. I hate it too, Val. I really do. You had all kinds of awesome going for you. You used to be wicked cool. The one semi-serious actionish movie of yours I can tolerate is Tombstone and it's mostly because of your smartassedness...ness. Your comedic value is outstanding though. I mean, Top Secret! is one of my all time favorite is Real Genius. I get it, I get it, got a taste of that tasty Top Gun dick...and now you just can't stop sucking. Damnit! Someone needs to tell Val Kilmer that his action movies...shit, most of his serious movies too (with the exception of The Doors) are steamy piles of rancid rhino shit that they put on t.v. when they run out of infomercials selling colon clean or cleanser...or whatever it is that makes you shit yourself on purpose. It's ridiculous. Get back to the funny, god damn it! I had a glimmer, A GLIMMER of hope when Val Kilmer did Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. I was like...finally, the slowly widening bastard has come to his senses. Nope. Turns out his senses have been blocked by his thirty cheeseburger a day diet, firing his pleasure centers into a state of fuckhead delirium. Fuck.

Jason Statham

in what looks like his father's sunglasses

He's got a cool voice, impeccable delivery and he says cool shit sometimes. So, what's wrong with him? Just...for fucks sake...his action movies are like Bruce Willis's sloppy seconds. It's borderline tragic. You look at it and go...was this made for schizophrenics with ADHD? Surely he sees that they suck ass. I mean, shit...what does he need to do different? He needs to spend a little more time doing Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels roles and a little less of that crankity, Crank schizophrenic ADHD idiocy. That Crank shit wasn't even a fucking movie. It was more like a strobe light with dialogue...and impossibly, they did it twice! It wasn't even a valid...ANYTHING! What happened to the guy we saw in Snatch? He was snarky and witty, quick on his feet. He sure as shit wasn't some man shaped revenge mannequin they fired out of helicopters to land on inept scurrying bad guys. Fuckin' fuck, Jason Statham! You're better than that! I kind of got a hint of THAT guy in The Italian Job remake. It kicked ass. Now, you pander to an audience who wouldn't know their mother was doing porno if they walked in on the shoot! 

What the fuck, Mom? I'm trying to get in the fridge and there's a camera crew
 and your ass is blocking the fridge...what gives?

Get that snarky, smart ass sonofabitch back, Statham. It's for your own dumb ass good. I mean, really, you were going to be a professional high diver way back when, not an action star. What the fuck would you be missing? Well, besides a million gay jokes about being a professional diver...but, that aside...


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