Writers block is a hell of a thing. I mean, you're racking your brain to come up with something and your mind becomes a big stupid empty, fucking empty. Like that nothing shit that's swallowing everything in The Neverending Story. What the fuck was with that movie anyway? When I see it now, it's a goddamn nightmare. There's flying dog that looks like it's covered in scabies, a horse drowns in a swamp because of depression (yes, horse fucking suicide...for kids!), huge boobed statues shoot fucking laser beams at a kid wearing, what looked like a 70's porn star burlap sack "look at my hairy chest" shirt.
Bring the pain, you big titty bitches.
What he hell was wrong with me, that I didn't cry and shiver in of fear of going to sleep? Shit myself nightly, not wanting to close my eyes, that I might see fucking Falcore dive bombing me while running through the streets? Oh, youth and it's rose colored goodness. From the vantage I have now, everything takes on a bit of strangeness upon reflection. The past is indeed viewed in hindsight 20/20 super rose colored vision. Upon deeper reflection, I find another bizarre aspect running...hidden, like a perv behind two way glass in a stripper booth...I mean...not that...I know... what that's all about.
Yeah, I saw it in a movie, yeah, a movie.
Wait, that doesn't help.
Where the fuck were the parents in these movies? I mean, have you watched The Goonies lately? It's a bunch of borderline thug...admittedly geeky thugs, lounging around a house and booby trapping the shit out of it. That's bad enough, but, the movie is about them taking an unsupervised field trip into the jaws of hell, in a damned if we do damned if we don't, hell or high water attempt to save the house of accidental death from foreclosure. The parents are never with or looking for these fucking kids. You see them briefly here and there but, for all intents and purposes, the kids are on their own. Apparently the parents took the week off and were off smoking the weed they bought with the mortgage payments, in bongs probably made by their children.
Look at the sweet smoke I bought with your college fund.
Oh, those poor, poor Goonies. They fought the inept criminals. Not with parental force...but, with that of a large retarded mutant. Of course they win the day with pocketed pirate jewels. Jewels which I'm sure were later sold to keep the parents in bong hits for months. There wasn't a Goonies 2, because their house was eventually bought out for eight pounds of weed, a half pack of cigarettes and a half eaten bag of Fritos. It was then turned into a meth lab run by Data...and his "Pinchers of Power".
Lemme light dat bowl for yeh.
Now, if there is any redeeming thing to be said about The Goonies and their parental abandonment issues ...it's "at least they stayed on the fucking planet". I mean, shit. It's a hell of a thing to invite a tribe of death defying, moron friends into an underground, soul snatching void in the offhand chance you might stumble onto the treasure of a pirate named after a dick. Really. One Eyed Willy. You'd think they would just name him Dicky McBigcock, Pimper of The Pirate Booty. I mean, fuck it, why beat off around the bush. Hahaha...did you get that? I said beat off and bush in the same sentence...heh...and they said I'd never amount to anything. Where are those nay sayers now? In unmarked graves by a nondescript river that's...where...uh...what? Oh, oh yeah...at least they stayed on this fucking planet...not like these fuckers.
Currently watching a man getting tea bagged.
The Explorers left this filthy, filthy world behind them and struck out among the stars...out of boredom. What the fuck is wrong with that? Lots. They not only left EVERYONE unbeknownst of where the shit they where OR what the shit they were doing but, they also opened the flood gates to the Earth and everyone on it getting a big fuck you from the galaxy...if not the universe. Yeah, how you ask? Well, they develop a force field to envelop their Tilt-a-whirl of trash and wino droppings. Who knows what kind of physics their little experiment violated? They could have ripped open a hole in the space time continuum and kill...everything. Why? Because Ethan Hawke was fucking pushy and bored. The little bastard talked two...marginally resistant chumps into outer space out of goddamn boredom. Sure, River put up some resistance here an there, but, with a motivational speech by Ethan, all responsibility to humanity drops away like a drunken prom dates inhibitions. Oh, not only do they invent and violate physics...but, they tell planet Earth to fuck right the hell off, buy explosives...(MILITARY GRADE blow your tits off while the neighborhood is leveled babies flying through the air on fire) explosives, they get straight up shitfaced and then, proceed to almost hump an alien chick. Well, the alien hump is a bit much...
And really, who wouldn't want to fuck that hot mess.
They kick it with aliens in space, then, after realizing the aliens are just as fucking bored as they are, they head out back to Earth, freshly coated in alien who knows what the fuck what. They could have brought back some fucking eye melting, dick bursting super virus that's activated when you drink water or some shit. I mean, come on...who the fuck doesn't drink water. It's in fucking everything! Now, since Ethan couldn't find a fucking book to read, you're shivering like Michael J.on a bad day with blown up genitals to boot and all you can do is wish for a quick, non-melty death. On the back of that you can add a whole alien invasion scenario because, fuck why not? Sure, they tell us their scared of our violence and mean guns...but, it could all be a trick. I mean, really, how hard is it to fool three prepubescent boys? Well, get them tanked out of their minds and it's even easier. Hoooly shit. Why didn't I see that when I was 8 watching this shit? Who knows...but, it's something to think about...next time I hook up with some of that sweet alien ass.