Friday, September 16, 2011

Midgets, Jesus and a Kindle

      Holy shit, do I like reading! It's soothing, inspiring, maddening, informative and damn fun, if I must say...and between you and me, because I know you can keep a secret...sometimes the bestest porno in the in a simple letter...a letter that's being read by a midget holding a riding crop.

Get that chick a riding crop. 
I'm ready for some reading!

      Why am I talking about reading? Well, for one...I write a blog. So, there's that shit. Uh, It's cool when people read it. Check that one off too. There's the potential for monetary gain...perhaps...if I whip my dick out and slap it on a webcam. Even then, it'll illicit more nausea than consumer spending or donations. Oh, and the offhand chance that I might turn it all into a job. A wwwaaaayyyy outside chance of that happening. I'd have a better chance catching Jesus Christ giving me an obscene gesture than--

Aw, thanks, Jesus. You've really inspired me.

--but, still. There are tons things I can say about reading. I love it. I have been doing it for a long time. Almost as long as I've been harvesting the tears of caged orphans to sell to Coca Cola. Dammit, I just divulged part of their trade marked formula. Shit. Now they'll come and break my arm. How am I supposed to slap my dick on a web cam after that? That's gonna suck. What now? Oh, reading...oop, I almost forgot the cool, cool gadgets that are now associated with reading. Cool shit like...

These bad boys...or girls. I'm not familiar with E-Reader genders. 

      They are sweet and I would love to have one (*hint, hint*), but, my issue isn't with them. It's with the fucking commercials. I have been seeing the one for the Kindle a lot. You know that one. The chick is talking about buying a book and the dude has a Kindle and he talks about how sweet it is to be a stuck up asshole with a Kindle or something like that. I watch those commercials with the same detached interest I pay to any ad I  can't readily fast forward through. DAMN YOU LIVE T.V.! Nonetheless, they managed to reach me through the haze of jaded discontent that hangs around my brain like a fog. Though I think it sent me the wrong message. Now, what I have to say can be applied to any of these E-Readers. Oh, and don't give me some technical bullshit about them being in color now or having locks or some shit. The points still apply. Anyway, my beef with the shit. Heh, beef. Who the fuck says that anymore? Am I a mid to late 90's gangsta rapper? Where the fuck did that come from? Hmph...what an idiot. Anyway, the problem I have with it is what it doesn't say. Well, for instance...

Oh, shit.

When I drop my paper back book. I don't lose 100 some odd dollars of plastic goodness.

      Hey, I'm not a super klutz, alright, but, as an avid reader...I've dropped a fucking book before. It happens all the time. Anyone who says they haven't either doesn't read, has a glue sniffing problem, leaving their hands sticky as fuck or they're a lying politician. For us, non-huffing, politician hating members of the masses, it happens on occasion. You set it down, then, go to stand up...OOP, dropped book. Play that game with a Kindle and you'd better have a hundred...something dollars waiting in the wings or...your ass isn't reading your kick ass black and white version of Playboy. Not that anyone reads that shit anymore. Get on that free porno tit we're on folks. I hear the internet has it for free now! The REAL dirty kind that makes Playboy look like a Vatican nudie. And if you don't have a handle on what the internet is by now...go ahead and shoot yourself now. The world has passed you by, so, you probably won't be missed. 

I think this guy was just trying to cover his girlish reading habits.

If I take my book to the beach, there's a good chance I can go swim and my book will still be where I left it.

      That's the thing with these things isn't it? You can take this shit out in the blazing sun and still read it. Awesome. Now, when you're out in that blazing sun, you're usually by a body of water of some sort. Seriously. Does anyone sits on a fucking lawn or park bench reading a Kindle in the blazing sun? An 80 year old college professor, who's had enough of this life and wants to shuffle off via stroke, maybe? Alright, alright, maybe somebody sunning themselves in their back yard or on a roof, fine. What I'm talking about is the examples they give in the commercials. It's a chick on a lawn chair by a pool or on a beach. Where do you put the shit when it's splashy, splashy water time? You can leave a book laying there, because who the fuck wants that? Thieves, that lurk around beaches or pool areas, probably aren't reading their way through  to a doctorate. They could give a shit about a paper back. Who wants your shitty romance horseshit? Nobody. Ah, but, they wouldn't mind so much, if your horseshit novel was on a pretty Kindle. Kindles can be a quick an easy way to transform your sweet "do me" novel into some cold hard meth buying cash. GANK! Bye bye Kindle. Hello, empty suckered feeling. 

A black and white picture means the books are classier!

Wow. So, your Kindle can hold 3,500 books? That's CRAZY! How many can you read at one time? Here's a hint. ONE, motherfucker.

      I understand. That's hella convenient having that many books at your disposal. Hell, some of those might be reference books or cook books, who knows. You use those to look up shit you don't understand in the books you're ACTUALLY reading. So, okay, say the average person reads 100 books a year. That's being generous. If your Kindle was filled to the brim, which, come on. Why did you buy the fucking think if not to top it off? It would be a big waste of money to do otherwise. So, anyway, It would take you 35 years to finish them all. 35! That's if you don't get any new books or re-read some of them. So, Kindle books on average cost around $10. So, $35,000 to top off that Kindle, oh, plus the, $35,0114. I can buy a paperback from the grocery store, right now, for about $2 and no Kindle to$7,000. I'm just talking about cheap paperbacks of course. I know there are books that run the gamut. I'm not trying to sell you on paper backs. I'm just saying, I can score a book at the store for 2 bucks. Maybe not a new release, but, still. Here's the kicker for me though. You might have a shit load of books on that Kindle compared to my one book, but, if my one book gets lifted...which in this day and age is doubtful, I'm out one book. You're out a Kindle, plus your whole fucking library. Ouch. 

Fuck you, Mother Nature. You dirty bitch! Nah, I'm kidding...Hugs?

Ah, your going green! Those damn book pages are so tree killer...ish. Every book murders a forest. I forgot. You're right.

      Hey, the environment, we all live in it, we need to preserve it. I get it. Unless you don't live in an environment, then, you're possibly a creature monitoring us from some higher, non-environment like dimension in which case...All hail the superior, trans dimensional being! Let us ask it's mercy, that it may let us live out or pitiful existences, without incurring it's all powerful wraith! Hail! See that, I just saved your fucking ass. Where was I? Oh, look, trees are used every day, regardless. Toilet paper, notebooks, various old timey...butter...churns? Fuck. They all come from trees. In fact, trees are used to make Kindles. Sure, not as many as are used to make the amount of books the Kindle holds and such, but, still. The plastic is made from plastics, which are made of carbon, comes from either oils (petroleum) or plants (such as trees) or a combination of both. Here's a fun fact for you pissed off greenies! When loggers have their way...raping up the land for those HUGE trees that they turn into tooth know...cartoons are always right. Anyway, when they cut down trees, they are required by the EPA to plant twice as many as they cut down. Get that shit? So, if we stop making all those paper books, toilet paper, disposable spooge know the Dixie ones? Those ARE for cum, right? No? Well, then they should label them. I digress. They stop making that shit, they stop planting the TWICE as many trees per acre. So, there. YOU can tell the forest fuck you. I'm not gonna. I'M NOT GONNA!

Currently reading his millionth book. My ass!

You have that many books on there? Neat! 

      This last one is just because, we as a species are vain. Don't look at me like that, you know it's true. We are. If not, we wouldn't want faster cars or bigger houses, we'd just be cool with what we have, but, no. More, better, deeper harder, right? You animal. So, you're a reading machine. You read more than, that ...fuckin'...thing that reads a shit load. You're awesome! You have a Kindle and all is right with the world...or is it, you lying sack of shit. You really read all that shit in the Kindle? Really. So, prove it? You read so damn much. Where's the proof? Ah, don't show me that white shingle. Anyone can download a book flip to the last page and have it read %100 percent complete. Really? You read them all? Yeah, okay. Oh, my books? They're all over the place. You can SEE them. They're not some fictitious NON book locked in an easily manipulated format. Mine are visible. Mine are impressive. MINE are proof! Why? Who the fuck would cram their house with books if they WEREN'T reading them. With that Kindle job, you can say you read whatever you want to say you read. You read? I'd just have to take your silly word for it. And what's that word worth, when you can't even prove you read all that shit? Regardless, books take TIME to amass. You can download an ass load of boos in a half hour and claim to have read them. I win. You lose. Take your readin' shit shingle and head on over to "I Thought I Looked Smartville" and fuck yourself.

You've just been schooled by a cover with Mick Mars on it.

      Actually, I get the whole Kindle thing. I actually like them. They seem pretty wicked. I think they're a great idea and really are the future of publication. They're convenient and I do hope to own one, one day. But, I think they still has a long way to go before they out books...books. Books?


  1. I do own a Nook...not a fancy one...a free one given to me for FREE! A friend then downloaded a shit load of FREE books for me. Some I have read in real book form, others I never heard of. phone has a Kindle. Got free classics on that one! I still prefer true books. But my Nook and phone Kindle were FREE! I only buy books anymore for my spawn or to finish off a series of novels. I like my bookshelf being full of books. And dog-earing pages and wondering what the brownish stains are in the over-read pages.

  2. Pfff! You're FREE crap is a freakish exception. E-Books for free are a rarity. Normal people spend an assload on them. Same thing applies to Kindle phone apps too. The add on to that is when you drop that lose a library and a typewriter...because really...who calls people anymore?
    Yeah, what the fuck are those brown stains all about? That's kind of weird.


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