Wednesday, September 14, 2011

My Advice To Those Who Die...

My advice to those who you die, I mean, who will eventually die, but, aren't dead yet. That should be you. If it's not. Drop the charade. You need to seek medical attention. 

Except her. You can send her to me. 
THEN, she can seek medical attention. 

These are in no particular order. Apply them as needed. Anyone who uses such advice in the committing of a HIGH FIVE FOR BEING CREATIVE! It's so rarely recognized these days. Oh, and if you somehow obtain any kind of monetary gain from it all...I'd appreciate a tip. *wink* Know what I'm saying?

1. Never walk over graves in a cemetery. 
The big thing, it's rude. The same thing applies to living rooms and someone is laying on the floor...unless you know them, don't do it. You look like an asshole. As far as walking across a field of buried dead people...a shit load of horror movies will tell you why. Eventually, you playing chicken with grave crossing is going to go horribly wrong and you'll either fall in or worse yet, the occupant will grab your ankle and then you're fucked. FUCKED you hear me?

This one looks promising.

2. Never enter a building dedicated to the memory of those who died constructing the fucking building you're about to enter. 
It might seem insane but, do you want to take a chance on the shit. People died during construction. It's obvious safety wasn't a concern during the build process. You think they had keeping you alive in mind when their own crew was dropping like flies? Ah...don't give me that shit that they all got the plague or some shit like that. They died. I might. End of story.

Pinch a loaf or not to pinch a loaf...

3. If asked to choose between two things...always pick the one opposite the nearest exit. 
"What?!", you're thinking. Well, let me tell you...if you're choosing which bomb you want to go off first, you'll thank me later. So, what harm is it going to do to apply it to everything else? You're too uptight. 

This could kill you now!

4. Always try to eat something that may have had a good chance at killing you while it was alive.
Cows fall under do some plants. Listen, in our rapidly growing AND expanding belief that the shit we do has a direct effect on what happens after we Please, listen to the abortion debate shit, the argument for the death penalty, etc. Ever hear of's been in a couple of movies. Let me build it up for you. A guy strapped into "Ol' Sparky" is about to get the black hood pulled over his face, he's sweating and doing that crazy, wild eyed, "I'm both scared AND fucked" look at everybody. The guy reads off the charges and such, then, says, "...may God have mercy on your soul.". The hood comes down, switch is flipped and he RIiiiiiides the lightning. See. "may god have mercy..." Right, so who knows how far the "It was him or me" defense flies with God. You might want to cover your bases just in case.

Can you hear me now?!?!!!

5. Young folks know exactly...dick about anything. Older folks know slightly more than dick...but, in the end...we're all morons who can't be convinced otherwise..
You're 8...and you look at a 3 year old and think, "Pfff...this kid doesn't know shit.". You can try telling the 8 year old he acted the same way when he was 3...and he won't hear it. In turn, you can tell the 3 year old and he'll say...Uh uhh. Alas, we all know...they both don't know shit. This dynamic remains throughout your whooole spin around the cosmos on this lump of dried, yet watery turd we call Earth. Even now, you might be reading this saying, "True. Kids and people younger than me don't know shit but, you're also inclined to think that your Grandparents don't know what it's like being your age either. See, no matter what...we all know how it is...but, we fucking...don't. So, we're all fuckin' idiots. Deal with it.

Oy. I think I'm off to bed. My brain is tired! It's weird. 


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