Kids are a trip. Sometimes they surprise you with their maturity, their display of knowledge you never knew they had or the weirdest moments...when you see a little of yourself in their actions. As I'm writing this...it's late. Like, if this were the fifties, I'd be asked if I was on drugs and then beaten with a patent leather loafer by a man with greasy hair, while being called a heretic and accused of cavorting with the Devil. Trust me...they did those things back then. No? Come on, they had things like...sock hops. What the fuck is a sock hop? Government sanctioned clothed fornication is what. Dirty fifties sock hopping bastards! We live in your disgusting shadow, poodle skirt weirdos! Anyway, I'm writing...and my youngest son...is still up. He's always up. He has yet to sleep a full night in his life. It worries me. He tends to get up at regular intervals throughout the night. When they're small, you put faith in a hope that it will work itself out. You know, with time. If not...I have a few "unconventional" methods with which to wear him out...
The surprising thing is...I kind of know what he's going through. My whole life I've found myself constantly battling with my sleepy time demons. Sounds quasi retarded right? I know. It sucks.I haven't confirmed this with a physician, on account that they rarely work for free. Not even for a favorable mention in an obscure blog. Which I didn't know when I started writing this. Can you believe that? I thought by crapping out a blog, I'd also be shitting gold bullion as well. Well, egg on my blissfully moronic face. Alas, I did look it up! So, with the internet diagnoses in hand...er...on screen, I think I have discovered the culprit that has been dirtily fucking my sleep all these years!
Holy shit not that guy. Whoa.
Something called "Non-24-Hour Sleep Disorder", if you can fucking believe that. It sounds like it was named by a person on sedatives. Essentially, this disorder, is an inability to have a proper sleep cycle. Okay, you know when someone like you...a normal sane person, get's tired and falls asleep. You know, sometime around...darkish...when the hookers come out to play? Yeah, well I don't do that. My internal Timex rotates my sleep cycle ever forward, all the time. So, I stay up later and sleep later. The next night, I stay up later, I sleep later...and on and on. Peachy, right? It's an asshole thing for god to saddle you with, believe me. You're relationships suffer, your job suffers...everything, because you look like the ass hole who just doesn't want to sleep. Well no, that's not it. I want to sleep like everyone else, really. I just don't feel tired at a regular time, when you should feel tired. I can lay down when I'm supposed to, sure, but, I lay there awake...for hours. I always attributed it to the selective retardation of the sleep muscle. That's what the scientist in my head calls it. He's as stupid as I am. Overall this disorder makes a lot of sense to me. When I would try and fix my sleep schedule according to my work schedule, I would always seem fucked up. I'd want to stay up later than I should or I'd get tired at work out of no where. Which as you can imagine sucked balls more often than not...
Not again, Elton. Not...again.
This bullshit has been screwing me over for as long as I can remember. It seems it might have gotten to my son's genes too. So, what's an idiot like myself supposed to do with that? Well, I can't readily explain it to him now, but, when he's old enough, I'll set him straight. He'll be productive, respectable and honors will be bestowed upon him for the discoveries he made while toiling through sleepless nights. Either that or he'll at least be quiet while I'm watching t.v. at three in the fucking morning.
Shut your mouth boy.
What advice would I have for him? I've been dealing with this shit for...for fucking ever! It's a horseshit thing this...rotating sleep cycle. It's RACE horse shit! That's twice the shittiness at three times the speed. For those keeping count...blow me. Stop counting. Now, I've developed a few tricks during my time being dicked by this to at least fill the hours, when everyone else is busy with their normal, everyday asshole sleep.
1. Watch the news.
What the fuck does that accomplish, Elton? Well, a lot cock face. First, it gives you tons of shit to think about. What shit? Shit like this shit: Wars, what movie star is fucking what movie star, local idiot breaks into liquor store for money breaks ass instead. It's all contemplation faire to keep from taking a brain bath in the insanity water. Believe you me...that's some toasty, soothing brain bath water. After a while, you start to see the goofy angles in all of it...and in turn people's goofy angles. For instance...why do fuck heads robbing convenience stores never take the lotto scratch offs? They come in huge rolls! There's got to be a pay off with a few of them, right? It's little things like this, that I run across while sitting up late at night watching the news. What the fuck do you get out of the news? Huh? Oh...yeah, information. Whatever.
2. Watch movies.
This might seem like a no-brainer. Duh, watch movies...everyone does that. Do they? On those "off nights" when you just can't sleep, you troll around looking for something familiar, something you like, don't find it, give up and go to sleep. That sounds like an incredibly sweet option. Unfortunately, for us rotating sleeping...fucked uppers, we have to take what we can get. Surprisingly, when you watch enough movies, you can find some great stuff that remains largely undiscovered. Either that or you begin to use your mind to uncover the hidden comedy in things like, "B movie action". Did you ever see a flick an Asian, tough guy, loner hitchhiker spin kick a would be gas station robber through a fucking window, actually causing more damage than the thief would have, and then called a hero? Then, the Asian, now hero, shakes it off, because he's trying to find his twin sister, that was kidnapped when they were both six. Somehow he tracks her to a small town in Ass fuck, Nebraska somewhere. It's a town run by ONE really rich, prick fuck hole that owns a mill or some such shit. Oh, and he has an army of mildly retarded bearded henchmen (they all have beards, with the exception of the rich prick's son or nephew...depending). The bearded lackeys rough up unsavory characters like said Asian and on and on. This kind of hokey nonsense is playing right now at 3am somewhere. It's hilarious and you missed it. Sad fucking day for you.
3. Read...a lot.
Passed a large amount of my time by reading...everything. I mean, I read The Bible, the dictionary, cook books, history books, novels, pornos, porn, pornography. All of that. Twice. So, over time I developed a vast knowledge of shit you would never want to know, even if forced. Some of it involved orifices...it was pretty ghastly.
4. Solve the worlds problems...then forget about them as they are unreasonable.
At that tender age of...teen. I thought a lot about the worlds injustices and with a naive sense of purpose, I thought of brilliant ways to solve them. None of them are feasible of course, but, they did provide plenty of mental stimulation...after all the masturbating.
What I can say...after accumulating what I know through the years of endless nights, is that...if you're not productive with it...you go insane with it. Am I a little...probably. Though, no more than most I'm guessing. However, my knowledge of lesser known frat boy comedies from the 80's is prolific. I bet you can't make that remark and back it up! Soooo...I WIN!