Monday, September 19, 2011

I Thought We Had An Understanding T.V.?

I want to slap the shit out of you, T.V. Why are you fucking with me? Is my money not good enough for you? Because you seem to be ass fucking me while I'm trying to help you out? I pay you, I sit through your commercials...on occasion. I sift through your lame fucking shows in a desperate effort to find programming gold. Alas, you sit there with an ever widening, smug grin, looking like a prick. I get it. You hold all the cards, right? Ah, but, not for long., you silly bastard. It appears that Netflix is waving around it's ever growing schlong on the horizon. And I'm sorry T.V....I hear it's big enough to crush the sun. Worried, T.V.? You say you're not...but, we both see the strain on your pretentiou face. What should you do about it?
Well, let me tell you how you're fucking up.


Why does Jesus need half of the channels?

I understand the whole "Jesus" thing. He stole God's hub caps and gave them to the poor, right? Anyway, something like that. He's a big, awesome "son of god" type that all the lepers love, but, for fuck's sake, does he need to chew up half the channel line up? More importantly, why the fuck am I paying for it? I'm not a deeply religious person. I say my prayers when the time is right, just like everyone else...when the threat of prison or dismemberment becomes unavoidable, just as they should be said. Do you really think God hears you praying for extraneous shit like winning the lotto? Sheeeit, prayer lines like that are congested 24/7. You're not the only asshole wanting easy money. Last I heard, EVERY ONE WANTS EASY MONEY! As far as those prayers're on your own I think. The Big Man's ringer is off and he doesn't seem to be answering the door. Unless it involves some form of "giving of yourself" or (get this) "brotherly love" , you're bullshit is landing on deaf ears. Incorporate it. Deal with it. God is a busy...entity.

This was going to be God doing this gesture,
which would have been funny...
but come on.
If there's anything that overrides's tits.

I watch t.v. to be entertained by man's many vices. Confessing that he's a greedy bastard who sold all of his family's possessions for a plastic poodle figure that "the guy" said would "sex up his life" makes me chuckle. I can't help it. I like the diverse ways in which, via creatively written or even reality programs, mankind tells mankind to go fuck itself. Alas, there's only so many shows on that I can mentally deal with, as a lot are shit...and my satellite package lacks the fine offerings of pornographic programming. This is due to being incredibly poor *sad sniffle* (feel free to donate to the cause, anytime.).

I...think this speaks for itself.

Even with the lack of hardcore porn, I watch to see man at his most entertaining and as is the trend these days, worst. Through all of my years watching this and that I have come to understand you, T.V. You need to get paid to make shit. I get that. I have come to expect and buy into certain things because of that. For instance: There will always be an infomercial selling something to make me shit more. There will always be a car commercial with a monotone voice over and there will always be burnt out C list celebrities hocking shit I don't need.

I'm selling death.

Of those expected things I sure as shit don't remember buying into the idea of some asshole guilt tripping me 24 hours a day. Some prick face waggling his finger at me, shaking his gold and diamond Rolex, beneath the cuff of his thousand dollar suit. Fuck that, fuck. I don't want it. Don't need it. Don't watch it! I don't know any one that does! Lower my fucking bill by cutting out the Christ shysters and their fucking channels. They're taking up valuable real estate on my guide! There's 20 odd channels of that bullshit. Okay, say each of those fucking wastes of broadcasting costs...$2. That's $40! I could put that to saving money to buy a new Flesh Light or a vintage G.I. Joe...or setting up a college fund for my kids. Give me a fucking break, T.V.!

Wrong on ALMOST every level.

How many singing vote shows do we fucking need?

American Idol, America's Got Talent, The Sing Off, The X-Factor, Don't Forget The Lyrics, The Singing Bee, The Voice...and a hundred more in the pipe...what do they have in common? Singing. Well, with the exception of America's Got Talent, which offers a few acts of people fucking with animals or lighting their farts on fire before the winning singer is crowned. How many times do you plan on recycling the same show?? I mean, fuck, even game shows change up the premise sometimes, right? The contestants on some shows even have to think...and during those times they occasionally hit a stride and give answers containing the word "booty". All of these mother fucking singing shows are the same! No? One douche' bag judge that's English, one funny-ish comedy relief judge whose there for no reason, one female judge there to deliver sympathy when the English ass hole puts them down...which one am I talking about? ALL OF THEM!

Soon to be judging every show on planet Earth.

I can only take so much from a gaggle of low talent shit stain contestant shows. It's all so predictable. Who's going to win? Well, if they mention cancer in any way, shape or form...they're going to fucking win. Can't they just be homeless any more...or god forbid have talent? No. Cancer. So, you're Mom got cancer while saving your Dad from a pile of burning dildo's? Here's your check. If anything, T.V....throw in a sense of danger, of REAL instability. Make all the contestants drink an ass load of vodka before they perform, have them pass out, when they wake up tell them and their family that they didn't win because, while passed out they committed a hate crime against America while approving abortion. You'll see more tears than a Jerry's Kids marathon! Make it memorable! The monotony of these shows is like slogging through shit just to get to more shit. Oh, and on a side note, T.V. How many times are you planning on letting Seth Macfarlane re-make Family Guy? I'd like to know, because that's the exact amount of hand grenades I'm going to hurl through your headquarter windows.

In the next one, one of the voices...IS MY ASSHOLE!

Why must you give me shit sculpted like a rose?

I get it t.v. You have a new show coming out. Right. It looks just like the old show that got cancelled. Uh huh, yet, you still made it. Hey, it's your money, T.V. Whatever. Why are you showing it to me? It didn't work the last time did it? Why try again, is all I'm asking. You seem like you're smart T.V. You know, maybe...maybe, I'm wrong, because...not only do you shovel the same shit in front of me and tell me it's new...but, you tell me about it every day, for 6 MONTHS BEFORE IT COMES ON! So, not only am I tired of the show I have yet to see...but, I want everyone on it or associated with it...hit by a bus. The same bus. Case in point, T.V...

Clean up fuck tards because you're show's getting shit canned.

I have been seeing ads for this show Whitney running for fucking months now. I already know the show sucks just by looking at it...yet, T.V. you feel that repeating the same commercial for it over and over, you'll somehow win me over. Like, on the forty-first repetition I'll "get it". Well, up yours, T.V. I get that you make lame, dick less shows that nobody watches or will watch. I'm not watching this shit. Is it on yet? I don't know...because I'm not watching. This is why everyone hates you T.V. Oh, and this...

Original title: Moe Fucks A Hooker

Now it seems you are specifically targeting performers I like, T.V. That's not right. You know it's not right. This show was dead as soon as the script was printed. Even the name...Free Agents. It rings of cancellation. You should have named it...First and Last Episode or Hey, Actors, You'll Never Get Another Show Again! Yet, you still went and had Hank Azaria do it. Are you mad at Hank Azaria, T.V.? Did he take a shit on your door step when you were little...rang the door bell, ran away...leaving you on your door step, sad, hurt and covered in Hank Azaria shit? Why, T.V.? Hank Azaria is a good guy. He doesn't deserve this thirty minute strained turd from your ginormous ass cheeks. What the fucking, fuck is wrong with you, T.V.

Does Gordon Ramsay Own Stock In Every Goddamn Network?!

I cut because my voices like when I cut.

Why hasn't Gordon Ramsay been legally arrested and processed as Satan? The man has demonstrated time and time again that he's not human. How? He's got a thousand different shows going and he's on all of the same time. How the fuck is that possible? If he's just a man, ONE man, explain how he does this? Does he bend the laws of physics to his whim? Does he not sleep? Does he baste himself nightly in stimulants? Cloning? Is there a deal with Satan? Is he Satan? Is he T.V.? Tell me dammit! He's one, demonic man with a witches coven of shows, made to strip you of your so many preservative ingredients. Simple is better you says the Highness of Unholiness himself. Am I exaggerating? Let's see, shall we? Kitchen Nightmares? Hosted by Gordon Ramsay. Hell's Kitchen? Hosted by Gordon Ramsay. The F Word? Hosted by Gordon Ramsay. Alright, stop you say. Well, I'm not done! Hear me! You goddamn sit there and listen, T.V.! Sit! Master Chef, Gordon Ramsay. Ramsay's Best Resturant, Gordon fucking Ramsay oh, and Gordon's Great Escape featuring...who?

Gordon Shumway.

Almost had you didn't I? No? Damn. Alright. It's...

Gordon "The 'F' is for Fisting!" Ramsay.

Fuck you, T.V....just...fuck you.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.