Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Things You Didn't Know Movies Taught You!

      As your average poverty stricken white boy, I spent a lot of time in the sweet paternal glow of t.v. My sorry ass was plopped down and fed valuable life lessons via poorly written after school specials and televised movies of every era. One luxury we did have was HBO. Sweet, sweet HBO. Oh, how you bathed me in the tepid waters of American film junk. That steady diet of mostly cheesy teen movie crap taught me a lot about life. Things like: you are instantly awesome if you can slide across the hood of a car and nonchalantly get into the drivers seat, ONLY assholes wear suits, even in high school and girls with quirky hobbies will find love...and always go to college.

Yeah, I've designed my own clothes for years, so, 
I'm thinking, maybe, Harvard, Yale or Stanford. 

      I have seen these movies many times over the years, over time I've come to notice a few other things that maybe aren't to obvious. In fact...they're down right strange. Okay, well, strange is a strong word. It's like saying I discovered Willy Wonka was a LSD addict the whole time

Okay...poor example.

      What I have discovered is far more fucked up than being a blotter junkie. Buried, not very deeply I might add, but, still, life lessons that were being taught to me...right under my poor white boy nose. Things like...

People with Accents Are Evil.

      From Hans Gruber to James Bond in "Mrs. Doubtfire". Yeah, I know his name is Pierce Brosnan...but, come on...he's fucking James Bond. An English accent means one thing in movies, you're a cock. This isn't limited to just the British...just most of them. In "The Hunt for Red October", everyone was pseudo Russian for a while, until they were English all of a sudden...except Sean Connery, who will always be Scottish. You would think they would have made the unholy enemy of  Sean and his merry band of "All we want to be is American" brethren, Russian, right? I mean, fuck, here's the chance to showcase a whole OTHER villainous accent. Russian. 

Attention, has anyone seen a Russian sexier than me? 
No? Well, thank you.

      No. It's a fucking English guy, playing a Russian guy. Though, real Russians aren't out of the game, just because their jobs are being out-sourced to Englishman, no sir. Real hard core Russians are a special kind of SOULLESS evil. Take, Rocky...whatever, for instance, where Rocky killed Russia by punching Dolph Lundren retarded. Dolph Russian was a soulless machine bastard, same goes for the Russian prick in "The Saint". Germans often get a bad rap too, like Hans Gruber. The Die Hard guy...and his subsequent pretender to the throne. You would think that if you wanted to go full on evil, it would be with an Austrian accent. Hitler was Austrian, so, obviously evil,...right? Not so much...but, you can use an Austrian accent to cancel out an evil Russian accent. Need proof? Here...

I'd like to inspect your maid's vagina with my penis please. Thank you.

Couches Can Block Bullets

      You've seen it tons of times. Crazy shit is going down in someone's house or apartment for some fucking reason, everybody has a gun. There's a stand off of sorts...then, someone drops a tray of cocaine covered dildos and everybody starts unloading a clip on everyone else, because as experience has shown...anyone with a gun is inherently unstable when it comes to loud noises. Bullets are a flying and where does the hero think to hide himself? Behind a couch. Really? Yeah, it's always behind something obviously worthless. That doesn't stop anyone from thinking it's perfectly sane though. Shit, growing up when I played guns around the house...where did I tuck and roll when I was dodging imaginary gun fire? The fucking couch. Have you looked at furniture made in the past 10,00 years? The shit can't stop bullets. It can't even stop a Coke stain. Yet, it's still in movies. 

Everyone, fear not the bullets...for the couches are your salvation!

      The picture is from my favorite example..."True Romance". Everyone with a fucking gun is eventually taking cover behind a couch. Here's tip for you from - the universe that brought you cool shit like "reality", if ever you find yourself in a gun fight and the bad guy jumps for cover behind a couch. Shoot through the fucking couch. Then, call him a dip shit retard...loudly. 

All Cars Are Indestructible.

      My first car was...a truck. A tiny, tiny truck. What were some of the first antics I found myself involved in when on my own in it? Screeching my fucking tires around corners at high speed. Where did I learn that? Movies. Here's the thing though, cars magically go undamaged when put through paces like that. Mine didn't. Like, the time I jumped it, into a ditch and almost killed myself. Was it my fault? Yeah. I'm a moron. I have no qualms admitting that. Are movies wrong for showing indestructible cars? No. It's all about generating excitement. Though, I did get the indestructible notion from them. My own idiocy made that ditch happen. Dumber still? I still want to get a car and do this with it...


Even Poor People Live In Huge Houses

      Poor people out number rich like a billion. I'm estimating. Who owns all the big ass houses? Rich folks. Who doesn't? Poor people. So, why are all the poor people in movies in two story monster mother fucking houses? The same reason couches are bullet proof. It's makes for better filming and such, but, watching it all, it made me wonder...whether houses in other parts of the country were insanely cheap. Later, I learned that...fuck no...they aren't. Moneyless people never have those houses. Movies have taught you that poor bastard mansion ownership is possible. It's weird to settle for anything else, right? Even now, you look around your digs and think. This will work...for now. Well, until that big ass house from "10 Things I Hate About You" comes on the market. The market that caters to poor ass people. There must be one, yeah? I mean, that single father raising two teenage daughters had enough for the house AND buying pink cardigans for his daughters. It shouldn't be all that much, right? That guy had just one income and he got it. So, save up for a few months and I'm all up in it, right? Riiiiight. 


      Perhaps I'm over analyzing. That's entirely possible. I once spent a full hour staring at picture of Mickey Mouse, until his picture devolved into rudimentary shapes, that vaguely resembled a partially erect upside down penis. So, it's possible that I have been doing the same thing with repetitious movie viewing. Though...really, if you think about it logically. My conclusions aren't way off base are they? I mean...Mickey Mouse could just be an upside down penis that talks...disguising itself as a mouse. It's possible!


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