Wednesday, October 26, 2011

ALF, You Beautiful Son of A Bitch!

      Right now, I am sitting next to a t.v. that's pumping out the odd sounds of ALF. I bought the first season a while back thinking my kids might enjoy it. I did when I was their age. As a kid, ALF, a furry smart ass alien puppet, encompassed not only cartoon silliness, but, a progressive step toward, full on adult sarcasm. I loved the fucking fuck out of that show when it was on. It taught me a lot about being a dick. A funny dick. I'll tell you, that's no easy task. It's a walk on the edge of a high cliff, with an abrupt, perilous fall from being a funny dick bag to outright asshole. ALF in a small way taught me there were edges to fall from. It's easy to topple from sarcastic dick grace were. I learned that being a funny dick head wasn't enough. You had to know your limits in the sarcasm universe, if you want to remain sociable, that is. Have you ever seen a movie where the snarky, fuck face character, who delivers the quippy quip quips, doesn't show compassion? If he didn't, he'd just be an unlikable sarcastic fuck knob. Compassion is the gives a sarcastic bastard the ability to make and keep friends. It's the difference between asshole James Spader and quippy snark fuck face Ryan Reynolds.

It's that or his in-human abs. 
That shit just isn't right.

      Most of what my limited expertise of the sarcastic arts, I gleaned from shows like ALF, SNL, 80's movies and pop culture in general. It was like a sarcasm beginner course. I didn't realize I was being taught of course. Who the fuck understands the underlying lessons being relayed to you by television? It happens all the time. Last week, I was up early and I caught the last couple minutes of The View. What did I learn? Skinny white blonde chicks from Survivor, don't know shit. If ever caught in a situation where one starts a pseudo political debate with you, just shake your keys in her face and toss them across the room. She'll run for them and you can make your escape. If not, she'll suck the life force out of you and use it to buy hair dye. Don't let her do it. Don't let her win. See, they didn't explicitly state that. Well, not that I know of, anyway. They could have a disclaimer at the beginning. I didn't see that part. I was too busy hammering my own penis. Which, as most people will tell you, is far more entertaining and informative than The fucking View. 

If "pointless and stupid" made a talk show, 
it would look like this...except more interesting.

      So, as I listen to ALF, I have some idea what my daughter might be learning. A life skill, that if employed properly could garner some modicum of social value. It's not instant. It takes a long time to wield sarcasm like a loose chain in a gang fight. Well, a 50's gang fight, anyway. Today's gangs wield pistol grip shotguns and threats of prison style rape. I digress. ALF helped me on a path to a better, funnier understanding of the world. I like being able to view the wispy thread of sarcasm that winds it's way through the world. It's mostly unseen by others, but, it's there. Show's like ALF helped me to see it...and use it. I'm thankful for that. If not, then, I'd probably view sarcasm as just an asshole's way of dealing with the world and not the popular comedic medium it is. Thank's ALF! You strangely phallic, sarcastic lump of douche' bag, you.

On the planet Melmac, that gesture translates to, 
"Fuck your fucking mother, mother fucker!"