Thursday, October 27, 2011

Marty Dies In "Back To The Future"

      While trolling the internet, looking for interesting scraps of entertainment and "a life" for myself, I found myself running into a lot of Back To The Future related pieces. It's obvious what the universe is telling me to do, other than strike myself repeatedly while muttering "Pancakes for sale.". What? The universe is a weird, weird place. Who am I to question it? I just play along and duck when it throws things at me. So? The obvious message? Explain what's wrong with Back To The Future, Elton! So, without further ado, the disturbing reality behind the skewed world of Back To The Future.


      Back To The Future (BTTF) is a strange fucking movie wrapped in family friendly garb. People have worked this movie over like an African blood diamond miner. It's been, di-sected, tri-sected and taken apart from almost every angle. I'm not one to rehash totally old BTTF fodder. Don't get me wrong, analyzing the  the finer aspects of underage drinking with your teen aged mother, while bating her with possible car sex is fun, sure, but, it's been done. No, I want to delve slightly deeper in to the rich curd of BTTF. We're going into nerd territory ya'll. Deep in it. Elbow deep. Holy shit. I just said that didn't I. I think my blood sugar is low.

Maniacally low

      I'm just going to jump right in it, because seriously, I really have to shit. Massive, massive dump. So, I'm not going to really crawl over the minutiae of the physics or time travel rules and the like. Partly because explaining it would be like convincing a cop that the blood on your hands, is not from the dead body you're currently standing over. No matter how compelling the evidence, you're bound to fuck up the facts...and are going to jail. I'll just stick to what we know about the movie in general. Okay? So, it's 1985 and Marty was a poor down trodden bag of shit in a Huey Lewis tribute band at the movies start. He lived in a shit hole, suburb nightmare and his parents were broken down, sad excuses for humanity. Marty's Dad, George, worked for Biff "Super Cock" Tannen and he was, to put it subtly, his bitch. Marty's Mom had the look of a desperate, depressed woman with failure rolling off of her like a London fog.

Failure fog...with a vagina mouth

      Marty has a bat shit crazy, old fuck of a friend named Doc Brown, who invents crazy shit. Doc knocks together a DeLorean shaped time machine, then, gets killed by some Libyans, which causes Marty to panic. In blind running panic he jumps in the time machine and whiz bang ends up in 1955. While there, he fucks with his parents meeting and falling in love and boning. Therefore he puts his own existence in jeopardy. Crazy fish out of water shenanigans ensue, "Oh boy! This zany kid from the future thinks the negro is gonna be mayor?! Zowwie! He's bonkers!". He starts calling himself Calvin Klein flashing underwear and want not. He enlists the help of 1955 Doc and they come up with a plan to set things straight. After a lot of "my mom wants to fuck me?!" moments, decking 1955 Biff during Mommy play rape. He also inadvertently inspires a rock legend via impossible guitar playing and a phone call. All is made right with the world and Marty zips off to the mother year of 1985. He goes back early to try and save Doc from his Libyan death and watches himself jump in the time machine. Low and behold, Doc is okay. Hugs. Marty is seen waking up in a fancy version of his old house at the beginning, his parents are all rich and confident. Biff is now the bitch and Marty has a new truck. Got it?

Oh, I'm not even getting into that shit...

      Here's the problem. 1955 George decks 1955 Biff turning his future from cock to pussy. 1955 George gets confidence and goes on to a successful career doing...whatever the fuck that he does. All is good in the rich newly created Marty life, right? Well, here's the fucked sided of this time traveled coin. The Marty we follow through the movie...isn't the same Marty that jumps into that DeLorean at the end, when he goes back early to save Doc. No. The Marty who takes off at the end is a "rich Marty". He's the Marty that grew up with successful parents and a pussy Biff. He has a new truck and life is good. He also grew up with his parents telling him the story of how they got together through the wacked out antics of their friend...Calvin Klein. See, when the "Rich Marty" jumps into the DeLorean at the end, he goes back to 1955 wholly unprepared. He has no idea how to fix his parents relationship when he fucks it all up. At the least, he makes himself a poor failure again, at the most and probably the most likely, he completely fucking obliterates his own existence through lack of information. How's that for fucked up!, the Marty we followed through the movie...might have killed himself anyway. Just for trying to help Doc out. The plutonium stealing mother fucker. Poor time travelling Marty. The bastard never had a chance. Oop. Shitting here I come!

Gimme that shit ya dirty bastard!