Saturday, October 29, 2011

Sweet Winter and Frostbite!

      Well, it's finally come down to it. God is starting to brutalize us with the yearly, awesome taste of the bitter, cold back of his hand.  The devil winter is here and I am ecstatic. I fucking love the winter, with it's icy frozen death grip and cold biting rage. It's like that claymation piece of shit from the Christmas claymation shit they have on t.v. every year. Joy and happy snowbally fun day...I fucking hate winter!

Just...just look at that evil prick. What a bastard.

      How can anyone like such a wretched season? It's practically a biblical sign of the end times. I mean, it practically fits in with everything else mentioned for the end of days. No? Let me word it for you, "...the air grew thick with cold, the water turned to ice and fell from the sky, choking the life out of the land." Everything about it screams death! Yet, there are stalwart freaks out there who swear by it's beauty. It proves that regardless of our evolutionary boasts...some of us are still painfully fucking stupid. 

Average snow lover

      This time of year with it's tundra-esque qualities is a fucking nightmare. It's as though God had a surplus of pain and decided to sprinkle it out over a few months. Winter has no redeemable aspects. Every bit of it sucks giant, giant balls. Senior citizen shut ins magically turn into dead meat Popsicle's due to it's freezing temperatures. Moron driver's dumb ass driving skills get flamboyant and magnified due to it turning roads to roads. Your car gets stuck in the snow bullshit. You have to heat up everything before using it (cars, water, home, blood for drinking). Walking in the winter is just plain mother fucking painful. Snow gets everywhere and burns when it gets there. Oh, and the mother fucking wind. Have you ever had ice cold wind burn? Fuck. I equate it to sand blasting on your face, only God is doing it...and it's everywhere but, the safety of indoors. The cold drives you to wearing gloves. So? Gloves are stupid, just plain fucking stupid. Gloves are awkward and mostly worthless. They've invented dehydrated water, but, can they invent a glove thin, yet warm enough to be of any fucking use? No. They'll stick with dehydrated water, because...fuck your frostbitten hands. So, we have to deal with thick bullshit, wrapped around your fingers, that makes it impossible to do anything.

Why? has failed us.

      Winter is a bitch, but, lots of people like it because it has it's pretty moments. Hey, I get the majestic beauty thing. Winter is beautiful...for about 6 fucking minutes. I find that the "joys" of winter can best be experienced via television, post card, streaming internet video or porn movie set. The further I am from the shit, the better. I'd love to say that this time of year has a special kind of magic, that evokes images of fire places, crackling with fire and glowing, warm rooms with hot cocoa and want not, but, no...fuck no. It stirs in me the imagery of hunched over cavemen poking at a dying fire, while God's snow swathed, man killing season reigns supreme beyond the cave entrance. It's white cold death from above and you can't change that. So, next time you find yourself getting misty eyed and whimsical about winter, grab a fist full of ice cubes, hold them until your hands are numb, then, shove the what's left down your pants, then, slap your silly ass face. Winter is a frozen, waste land nightmare. Deal with it.

Even Santa knows it.