Monday, October 3, 2011

A "Fuck You", You May Know, Facebook.

      Alright, Facebook, what the fuck. I understand. You make assumptions, hell, everyone makes assumptions. I'm not bagging on you for that, but, maybe you should, I don't know, make an effort to help out. Facebook, what makes you think I know some of these fucking people?

I'm kinda fuzzy on the cartoonishly hideous eyebrow girl, Facebook.
Try again.

      It's not that, I don't know SOME of them. Chances are, that if they know twenty, some odd people, that I  surreptitiously rub up against for, you know, boners, I probably know them. Some of them though, Facebook, are just complete fucking strangers. I might know them, if they know one other person I know? Probably not. I, like most of the world, gather friends in groups. Meaning, while involved in an organization. Be it through school, work or porn addicts anonymous, we get our "friends" via some communal enterprise. Have you ever met one random person, outside of any groupish setting, that wasn't in that group in some way? You have? Are you one of those freaks that gives strangers hugs at the mall? Are you a phone-sex operator?

Fondle your balls, Mr. Johnson? Sure! Oh, by the way  here's my Facebook.

So, that being said, Facebook, the chances of me knowing a single person via...ONE other person is off by good chunk of rationality. The possibility of at least a few of my "friends" knowing them is far more probable. Drop the single friend association. It's retarded. Though, not as retarded as some Facebook users that you assume I might know.

Yeah, she TOLD you, Facebook. Boobs. Win!

      There should be a requirement, Facebook. A requirement stating that members should have at least one picture...featuring...that fucking member. Otherwise, they are to be labelled "retarded member". Ha...I said member a lot...get it? It's like...saying...dick. Never mind. Anyway, Facebook, when you suggest people I might know, I look through them and discover an ass load of people, WITH NO PICTURES! I'm not good with names, Facebook. Many people aren't. Now, you assume I MIGHT know these people, now, you're also assuming I know the full names of everyone I've ever met...ever. That's a lot of assumption, Facebook. When you assume I know a could be one of a hundred different Jennifer's I have met. Many of those Jennifer's I wouldn't consider Facebook friend worthy. So, now, I have to check out their profile...

What the fuck do I do with that?

      Do I know a Bender? I have been on plenty, but, to friend one, no. So, now, I go through their pictures trying to find one of the person in question, so as to trigger some kind of recognition response, within my drug and alcohol ravaged memory. Instead, what I find is this...

Yep, looks just like his parents.

      Yeah, I find albums and albums of pictures of whoever in the fuck's kids. For the love of god, Facebook. Tell these people to take ONE picture of themselves. It would go a long way toward me not wanting to rip your non-existent throat out. Oh, and if they do take one, make it something, someone not legally blind would recognize as a person. Not this shit...

Wow. You haven't aged a bit.

      Who the fuck is that? Mom? Dad?...friend? Come closer so I can tell you...that you take SHITTY PICTURES! Come on, Facebook. Work with me here. You assume I know these people, now, help me to RECOGNIZE these people...or just stop...for the sake of our collective sanity. I want to make friends, Facebook. I really do. I'm not completely anti-social. I'd love nothing more than to stay in contact with everyone that I know, like and love via a cold, internet intermediary that shields me from actual human contact...but, come on. Do you have to be an asshole about it? 

Thank you, Facebook.

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