Friday, October 7, 2011

Our Stupid, Stupid Corporate Owners

      Must I be the sole voice of reason in a world gone to hell in a lovely, lovely handbag with a paisley pattern? It seems like companies don't make fucking sense any more. They seem like they hate us all, like a jerk off waiter pissed that we asked for more bread sticks. What the fuck? They do want our money right? Don't get me wrong, they do want that cash and one day, using that money, corporations will be our oppressive overlords. That's practically a given (My money was on Wal-Mart doing this first, but, they're running into hard times too. Sorry, Sam Walton, I guess it might be a little while longer for your dream of enslaving the human race to be fulfilled.)

Mr. Sam demonstrating how he'd totally whip the shit out of us.

      Oppressive overlordship and human enslaving aside. It seems like, some corporations seem to have lost the "even a fuck head with shit instead of brains would realize this" mentality that the rest of humanity has. Instead they choose to go the dip shit route. What am I talking about? Well, take for instance, almost everybody has a pay television service. I happen to have Dish Network. Included in the channel guide are a lot of rental movie channels. You know, pay whatever to view the movie for 24 hours? Yeah. I'm talking about that. Here's my problem with it. Why are they still charging $5.99 for new movies? Why the fuck are they charging so much? You don't get a disc. Fuck, you can hit up a Red Box and get the same thing ON a disc for $1.06. Are they assuming it's for convenience? That's as convenient as filtering scrotum sweat to get a drink of water. I'm paying for Dish fucking Network's service and the fucking receiver. They provide a movie to view for 24 hours. That's it. They provide access to a channel already showing a movie. I get nothing in the mail, no copy to pass on to a friend for a night, nothing in a plain brown wrapper, like my porno maga-uhhh...News Week and Time. $5.99 is insane when you get nothing in hand...but your own, unsatisfied genitalia. Especially when something else provides the same thing, with an actual product, for $1.06. It's a mother fucking rip off and it needs to stop. 

That and the rising cost of herpes medication should stop...
not...uh...that I (ahem) have it...just, uh....just saying.

Getting ripped off "on demand" is a tough thing to take. Especially in the economically ass fucked times we find ourselves in, money is more important than ever. Some companies have shown SOME concern. I have fast forwarded through my share of "look at what our company is doing to help out" commercials. You know, the "we're so green we're having sex with trees" nonsense companies seem to be rolling with. Then, there's the feel good "our company makes as much as a small country, but, gives to kids with cancer/aids/mesotheliohwhatthefuck to shop at our stores" commercials. Those ads don't bother me so much. They're selling us on how nice and one with the planet they are. I get that. People aren't digging on companies, that are treating the planet like a hooker taking a "Cincinnati Steamer", these days. Oh, uh...for those who don't know, a Cincinnati Steamer is taking a shit on someone's chest WHILST receiving fellatio. See, I entertain...AND inform. Like a teacher in an educational sex flick.

...and that kids is a primary example of necrophilia.
 Now, we move on to the wild world of bestiality.

      Commercials that irritate the fuck out of me are made simply to make them. They have no point what so ever. Recently, I have been seeing an ad by BMW demonstrating their ability to make eco-friendly sports cars. Normally, I'd say something like, "Man, imagine the chicks I'd get in that fucking ride. One day, Elton's gonna live high life! No more cars that sound like it's doing a goddamn drum solo with bricks and farts. No more brakes that scream like freshly beaten children. No more paying for "Cincinnati Steamers"! A car like that is the ticket! I COULD TOTALLY CAME IN MY PANTS WHILE DRIVING THAT!", know...something like that. This commercial just rubbed me in a clearly un-sexual fantasy way. It's an average car commercial. It's flashy and cost a shit load of money to make...for nothing. It's for a...concept car. A car, BMW demonstrate that they sometimes have cool ideas I understand that concept cars show a companies capabilities and their direction for future design. They're used to drum up investors or buyer interest. Usually, these concept cars are relegated to car shows and conventions. My issue is with the commercial itself. It's made to look like a regular "you can buy this sex on wheels" car commercial. Which is balls out misleading. This is a commercial, on t.v...that shows a car...they don't even make for the public. Get that? A car commercial, advertising a one can buy. What the shit is that? The millions they spent on the filming, commercial time and want not, could have gone to medical research, the homeless, finding Justin Bieber a cure for puberty or more importantly...ME! 

Not featured: starving kids that could have been 
fed with the money they spent on this shit.

      Corporate America. Listen. If you keep demonstrating, on a consistent basis, that you haven't the ability to distinguish good judgement from bad, you're going to leave us with precious little option. We, the poor unwashed masses, we're not going to hand over control of our society as easily as you thought. These examples, may seem like trivial errors, but, they might be symptoms of a bigger problem. This isn't a joke. These instances are being reviewed and they uh...they've been noted...and we,...the denizens of Earth, we're going to be watching you a lot more closely, so, watch your step. Okay, okay, that's an exaggeration, we both know that. We don't have the attention span for corporate error documentation. Shit, I even lost teh notebook I wrote that shit down in. Look, just, throw some money at developing a robot butler price pointed for us lingering or under the poverty line and uh...give us a couple of Jetson houses, a few light sabers and holographic porno and we'll call it even. Okay?

I will call you, Jeeves Penngrove Butlertron The Third.
Now...fetch me my holo-porn! 

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