Sunday, October 9, 2011

Hunting Retarded Love Guns

      I live in a very outdoorsy community. The kind where everyone seems to have an ATV, a gun, equipment to fish and the ability to drink like them too. I grew up in a place, almost the same, but, to a lesser degree. The sport of hunting is represented everywhere. I could never get my head around it. What is the point? Grown people, running around the woods to shooting at animal. Animals that are easily confused by headlights. What's the appeal? It's like sneaking up and full on punching a retarded child.

Wait, this kid might just turn around and beat that ass.

      Given all of our advancements in technology, agriculture, horticulture and everything else, you'd think that hunting would be out of date. I mean, hunting used to be the way humans obtained meat. A primal means of survival that had to be fulfilled or we perished. We have farms with cows and shit for that now. We don't even have to try any more, really. We're living in a caveman's wet dream world. Minus the overly hairy men and women grunting a lot. Okay, we still grunt, but, we don't hunt for survival anymore. However, we're just popping forest creatures for the hell of it. Now, it's a sport that we spend 24.7 billion a year on. Seriously, that much on shooting animals that aren't smart enough, to avoid open areas, despite being shot in them repeatedly over centuries. They're essentially walking meat. Why hunt the fucking things? Haven't we developed easier means to get food or meat in general?

Hunter 1: Couldn't we have gone to a super market?
Hunter 2: Pff...we can't POSE in a super market, dumb ass. 
Now shut up and pose!

      Don't get me wrong. I could care less that animals are being hunted. I have a firm belief that if an animal attacks you, you have ever right to hunt it down, kill it, then go after it's family. It just saddens me that they're being hunted by inept people. Okay, inept is a bit much. How about excessively lazy. I'm not anti-gun/hunting/homosexual forest sex by any stretch of the imagination. I just ponder the logic. Animals that are hunted...aren't smart. They're easy to hunt. So, there's no challenge. Oh, but, there is a challenge, you say? One might make a loud noise and scare the critters away, you say? Right, are you bringing a gun that makes a shit load of noise? Oh, because guns are easier. Hey, you know what's really easy? Go to the fucking store and buy meat! You won't have to run around trying to be sneaky in a grocery store, dip shit. You wouldn't have to wear that comically bright orange jacket either. Yeah, about that, you might fool the deer wearing that shit, but, you're not fooling us. We can see you're a dumb ass just fine. Quick lesson, ff you need  to wear obscenely orange shit so you don't shoot each other, you aren't good at hunting. Stay at home, read a book, discover the interesting world of nihilistic philosophy...or discover the over flowing, free pornography available on the internet. No gun required for that, guaranteed. Well, except the one god gave you. Yeah, you can call it your gun if you want. We won't tell. gun, if you will.

Artistic rendering of your love gun.

      If you can go to a grocery store and get basically the same thing with less effort. Why the fuck are people traipsing around the forest, waving guns around? Is it the meat? Is it a power thing? Man showing animals who's the dominant species via firearm, eh. Well, if it is that, a gun is a pussy way to go about it. Be a real hunter/survivalist/person with inferiority complex.Take that bastard down with a flint knife and bare hands. Fuck. Dumb ass cavemen could do it. Aren't we better than them now? We've advanced right? How about a spear? No? Oh, because we have guns now. Right, I forgot. Well, we have super markets too. So, you're an idiot. If it's the sweet meat you crave, we can get that for you. We have traps for them now! How superior is that? We can show that damn animal population you're desperately trying to impose your dominance on that, humans are so awesome we can catch them at any time. Shit,we con't even be there when the shit goes down. How covert, awesome, super spy is that? We'll impress the shit out of those uppity animal bastards!

It will be there waiting for you to say "Nanna, nanna, boo, boo..." and everything.

      Actually, what kills me is the immense amount of effort that people put into hunting. They build things that hang in trees. Dress in colorful clothing meant to fool animals, but, not each other. They buy urine to fool them. What the fuck do you do with animal piss anyway? I hope they're not wiping it all over themselves, that's crazy, sad, nasty and...just crazy-sad-nasty. After doing all this shit, hunters head out into the woods at insane early in the sit in trees and wait all day. That's usually it. Wait all day, for something that's arguably dumber than a dog on barbiturates. What the fuck. There's no tracking, no real effort any more. Just, setting out some bait or another, spraying piss everywhere (I'm assuming) and sitting, hoping whatever it is you're "hunting" happens along. What a shit trade off. You piss away a day of your life covered in their piss, waiting on them. I just don't get it.

And we call them stupid.

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