Through my many sleepless nights, I, somewhere along the line, developed a fondness for infomercials. The bad acting, the pseudo science, the selling of shit no one needs. They are a comedy all their own. The products they push range from books containing shit we can get for free to simple machines that make a job harder to medicines that will damn near kill us. They sell it in a way that's always over the top with idiocy that both entertains and frightens.
Guaranteed not to melt your dick off or no money back!
Over the years, I have seen tons of these fucking things. Within them all is a thread of hilarity that, I feel, goes largely missed. It's almost a secret code. If you break that code, you get that full scope of the "hoooly shit that's fucking funny" that lurks inside. It's like the super sweet strawberry milk at the bottom of the glass. You know, the Nestle powder that settles...you know. Don't look at me all cock eyed. You like it too! Regardless, to get to that chewy funny infomercial nougat, all you have to do is apply a little logic. What hell am I talking about? Well, take for instance...
BOSE Knows!
"...and in the case of music even make you cry."
I'm aware that BOSE is trying to sell me a better sound system. I get that. The funny part is the repeated proclamation that you can't hear how awesome it is, because you're listening to the commercial, on your shit ass t.v. That's why you won't hear the difference. So, how do you know the shit is worth it? Buy it. How's that for a sales pitch! I like how they kinda glaze over the cost issue too. Why would anyone not want this shit? Hm...because it's insanely expensive? No. It's because people don't like wiring shit. THAT'S why people don't buy better sound equipment. Those fucking wires and color schemes fuck us all up. Yeah, BOSE. You nailed it. It's the wiring that has my balls in a twist.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S HEALTHY? DIARRHEA.
"...am I gonna have tah camp out in the rest room? Will I have the runs?"
Nothing says, I love myself and the world around me like a good case of herbal shits. Time and time again, products are presented the shits as a way to purge your body of "toxins" and "tiredness". It rejuvenates the body, makes hair shiny, your blood un-tired, you skip a little more, run like a track star and you lose the equivalent of a small child in weight due to crapping yourself like a diseased Ethiopian...on purpose. Though, it's not a laxative. They never are. They say they are everything but a laxative, even though they are in fact...shit-tastic, toilet destroying laxatives. Oh, another hint folks...if they use the word "colon" to sell the pill and they're not talking about punctuation, it's going to give you the power shits. This Dual Colon Cleanse thing goes to great lengths to explain the awesomeness of shitting uncontrollably via medication. They even bring in testimony from people that have been using this shit making...shit. My favorite is the "shit examination" portion of the smarmy doctor's Q&A. By far the funniest shit about shitting is the shit about the guy they infer lived 152 years because he shit a lot. Shit.
LET'S MAKE MATH FAST AND FREAKISH!
"...tap into this power, deep down inside us
and we just don't know how to turn it on."
Who here hates math? Yeah, FUCK MATH! Right? Who seriously uses math every day to the elevated levels we learned in school? Yeah, me either. Well, what if I told you there was a way...you could do some of the easier math backwards, confusing as hell and stupid fast and you'd have to pay for it? You'd tell me to fuck right off a cliff and the only math you'd do, would be counting the seconds til my screaming stopped. Well, Amazing Discoveries, an infomercial from waaay back thought we'd do just that. Not the cliff screaming, the...buy fast math horse shit. It's hilarity lies in the shame they try to make you feel for not being good at math. They even have a gang of people who "called in and ADMITTED they were POOR in math.". Have you ever cared about your mathematical ability to call a stranger and voice your concern about it? No? Me either. I have a calculator to make up the difference. Though, I must admit, it would be a neat skill to whip out now and again. Especially during those times, when you're at a party and people want to hang out with you. They're all wanting to "talk and joke" with you and shit. You can pull out a pad and say, "It's awesome you guys want to hang out with me. Wanna do some math?". It'll kill their desire to hang out with you quicker than Propofol through Michael Jackson! WHOA! Didn't see that shit coming did you? BOOOOM! Poor dead pop star, he never saw it coming.
Among other things he never saw coming.
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Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.