Commercials Made For...Who?

     There are mornings, that upon waking, seem brighter. The foul air of stupidity that's usually present is cleaner and smells...smarter, the birds chirp in a way that says, "It's okay, today is cloudless sunshine with a 90% chance of rainbows!" Everything is fantastic.Then, a retarded commercial on t.v. ruins the whole fucking day.

The Mio Liquid Animal Ads

I. Just. Peed.

     The commercial above, is selling Mio drink mix it's also a cold stare in to a hellish abyss of animal driven nightmares. It was hard to tell what they were selling through all the childlike sobbing I was doing. Mio is a liquid concentrate Kool-Aid mix, that you squirt into water to make it taste like...fruity water. It's basically Kool-Aid mix for hip, slightly stupid adults who feel their tastes are more mature than regular Kool-Aid. This is a classic "separate an idiot from his money" product. Putting fruity concentrate in a tiny, expensive plastic bottle, giving you half of what you want but, charging you twice as much doesn't make it different from Kool Aid. It just says your a complete idiot who likes fruity water.

      The problem isn't with the pocket sized Juicey Juice mix. It's with the nightmare fuel animal people acting like nonchalant assholes in a bar that bothers me.

      Who the hell was this commercial made for? People who have trouble shitting themselves from panic and fear? It's a bunch of photo realistic-ish animals talking about fruit drink mix for fuck's sake. Is there a demographic of people craving photo realistic anthropomorphic bar hoppers? I don't understand. If you're peddling fruit drink to adults, why do you need bizarre animal people? If you're hocking your junk to kids, why are the freak-imals in a bar talking like adults?! It's confusing, scary and...I just threw up a little.

1800 Tequila

Whatever happened to shutting the fuck up?

      I'm all about getting trashed and whining, this blog proves it, but, I'm not trying to sell you anything doing it. That would just be a stupid way to get you to NOT buy something. Which is the opposite of what advertising is about. Right? I'm not totally hip to the television ad game. I'm roughly familiar with the swatches of information I get from the parts of Mad Men that doesn't have Christina Hendricks boobs in it. ( **hint, hint ---> MAD MEN SEASON 1 BY MAD MEN (Blu-Ray) [3 DISCS]). So, I might be way off base in assuming that no one buys things from crotchety pricks in suits that sit alone in empty bars complaining about shit. Am I wrong?

      Hey, I understand the appeal of nostalgia. Looking back to a time when shit seemed awesome. Sometimes, I wish I was still small enough to tie a sheet around my neck and run around the house playing Superman. When, I do it now, they call the police and talk about a possible suicide attempts and delusions of super powers. Fucking bastards.

     So, here is this guy, bitching about things that he's not even old enough to bitch about missing. He's tossing out this "Remember the smoke filled bars, suit clad, fedora wearing Sinatra type guys of yesteryear? Them's was good days, good guys." vibe, like he lived it. He was there. He shook The Chairman's hand! He's 46. Which would put his formative Sinatra days as some time in the late 80's/90's.

     Maybe they should refine the ad campaign to incorporate this. Perhaps, "Whatever happened to real men, like Al Bundy or John Mclane?..." Speaking of pricks reminiscing out side of their years.

Let's have a sleep over guys!

      I'm going to say this right up front. I'm a bit biased. I hate Puff Daddy (which is the name I first heard of him using, so, it's his dumb ass name). I hate, hate hate his ass. His career and fame are based on the talents and work of better arrtists. The guy comes off as a rip-off, leaching, talent-less tard who treats money like douche' fuel. (sigh) I feel better now and can move on. Who the fuckin' fuck was this commercial made for?

      Is it for asshole's aping for a "Rat Pack/Boozy Sinatra and Pals" kind of time? Look, I can...kinda see the appeal. With everything from smoking to hate crime being illegal now, who are the cool, hip rule breakers, huh? Sinatra and his fellas were awesome! The didn't play by societies standards. They boozed hard, ladied it up and partied 24 hours a day...literally...I looked it up. Who wouldn't want that kind a life?

      You wouldn't, bitch. Back in their day, Sinatra and his ilk lived life hard because times were pretty straight laced back then and bucking trends was hardcore. Segregation was in full swing, homosexuality was only accepted as Milton Berle in drag and church was still...popular, this was the time of The Rat Pack boozathon. When they were busting out of societies confines, it was a big deal and they were the types to not give a shit. Awesome---unlike today. Today, we get Puffy, a couple of barely famous actors and I'm assuming European male underwear models.

      Today, none of that "going against the grain" shit applies really. A lot of the stuff the O.G. Rat Pack railed against is acceptable now. Segregation was found out to be just as dumb--as klan rallies are white, church has been shunned to t.v. channels no one watches and homosexuality has it's own channel...it's called Bravo. 

      So, what are Puffy and his play mates trying to re-kindle? Oh, wearing suits, staying up all night and getting tanked while blowing money on hooker/super models no one gets to sleep with. That's called an "average weekend" on most college campuses. Only, on campuses, they spend the money on rubbers and weed instead of over priced vodka. Gooooooooooo progress!

Hunting Retarded Love Guns

      I live in a very outdoorsy community. The kind where everyone seems to have an ATV, a gun, equipment to fish and the ability to drink like them too. I grew up in a place, almost the same, but, to a lesser degree. The sport of hunting is represented everywhere. I could never get my head around it. What is the point? Grown people, running around the woods to shooting at animal. Animals that are easily confused by headlights. What's the appeal? It's like sneaking up and full on punching a retarded child.

Wait, this kid might just turn around and beat that ass.

      Given all of our advancements in technology, agriculture, horticulture and everything else, you'd think that hunting would be out of date. I mean, hunting used to be the way humans obtained meat. A primal means of survival that had to be fulfilled or we perished. We have farms with cows and shit for that now. We don't even have to try any more, really. We're living in a caveman's wet dream world. Minus the overly hairy men and women grunting a lot. Okay, we still grunt, but, we don't hunt for survival anymore. However, we're just popping forest creatures for the hell of it. Now, it's a sport that we spend 24.7 billion a year on. Seriously, that much on shooting animals that aren't smart enough, to avoid open areas, despite being shot in them repeatedly over centuries. They're essentially walking meat. Why hunt the fucking things? Haven't we developed easier means to get food or meat in general?

Hunter 1: Couldn't we have gone to a super market?

Hunter 2: Pff...we can't POSE in a super market, dumb ass. 

Now shut up and pose!

      Don't get me wrong. I could care less that animals are being hunted. I have a firm belief that if an animal attacks you, you have ever right to hunt it down, kill it, then go after it's family. It just saddens me that they're being hunted by inept people. Okay, inept is a bit much. How about excessively lazy. I'm not anti-gun/hunting/homosexual forest sex by any stretch of the imagination. I just ponder the logic. Animals that are hunted...aren't smart. They're easy to hunt. So, there's no challenge. Oh, but, there is a challenge, you say? One might make a loud noise and scare the critters away, you say? Right, right...so...why are you bringing a gun that makes a shit load of noise? Oh, because guns are easier. Hey, you know what's really easy? Go to the fucking store and buy meat! You won't have to run around trying to be sneaky in a grocery store, dip shit. You wouldn't have to wear that comically bright orange jacket either. Yeah, about that, you might fool the deer wearing that shit, but, you're not fooling us. We can see you're a dumb ass just fine. Quick lesson, ff you need  to wear obscenely orange shit so you don't shoot each other, you aren't good at hunting. Stay at home, read a book, discover the interesting world of nihilistic philosophy...or discover the over flowing, free pornography available on the internet. No gun required for that, guaranteed. Well, except the one god gave you. Yeah, you can call it your gun if you want. We won't tell. Your...love gun, if you will.

Artistic rendering of your love gun.

      If you can go to a grocery store and get basically the same thing with less effort. Why the fuck are people traipsing around the forest, waving guns around? Is it the meat? Is it a power thing? Man showing animals who's the dominant species via firearm, eh. Well, if it is that, a gun is a pussy way to go about it. Be a real hunter/survivalist/person with inferiority complex.Take that bastard down with a flint knife and bare hands. Fuck. Dumb ass cavemen could do it. Aren't we better than them now? We've advanced right? How about a spear? No? Oh, because we have guns now. Right, I forgot. Well, we have super markets too. So, you're an idiot. If it's the sweet meat you crave, we can get that for you. We have traps for them now! How superior is that? We can show that damn animal population you're desperately trying to impose your dominance on that, humans are so awesome we can catch them at any time. Shit,we con't even be there when the shit goes down. How covert, awesome, super spy is that? We'll impress the shit out of those uppity animal bastards!

It will be there waiting for you to say "Nanna, nanna, boo, boo..." and everything.

      Actually, what kills me is the immense amount of effort that people put into hunting. They build things that hang in trees. Dress in colorful clothing meant to fool animals, but, not each other. They buy urine to fool them. What the fuck do you do with animal piss anyway? I hope they're not wiping it all over themselves, that's crazy, sad, nasty and...just crazy-sad-nasty. After doing all this shit, hunters head out into the woods at insane early in the morning...to sit in trees and wait all day. That's usually it. Wait all day, for something that's arguably dumber than a dog on barbiturates. What the fuck. There's no tracking, no real effort any more. Just, setting out some bait or another, spraying piss everywhere (I'm assuming) and sitting, hoping whatever it is you're "hunting" happens along. What a shit trade off. You piss away a day of your life covered in their piss, waiting on them. I just don't get it.

And we call them stupid.