Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent Again...

      Normally, I'm not one to spew on and on about the same thing. I try and relegate ridiculous sputtering to one lengthy, impossibly stupid post and not many. These, however, are just too good to pass up. Who knew that Nigerian scammers would be such ridiculous fun? It wasn't in the brochure. So, if you will just indulge me for a bit, I promise, I'll stop soon.

Check out the previous post for the beginning of this mess...or start at the beginning, beginning. Either way...here's the rest.

      $3000.00 isn't a problem. I have that in a sock on my door knob. The problem might be Western Union. You see, the last time I used them, we had a disagreement. They had a problem recognizing my American god given right to bear arms as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment to our great and holy U.S. Constitution.

      Apparently, carrying a AR15 rifle slung over your shoulder "scares customers" (whatever in the commie shit that means). So, I'm not allowed back on their premises, DESPITE my legal challenges. Is there another way I can wire you the money?

Oh, shit, I wanted to ask you...does this count as a bribe?

       I had a conversation with a lawyer and he said...uh...I'm not sure. Even after that conversation, I'm still kinda lost, he was English and confusing. Would you rather have sex? I mean, I'm a straight guy. I'd rather not do the sex, but, if it's what it takes to get this thing done. You know...I might consider...maybe. I--I don't know. Just let me know if it's some sexual shit you want or just...whatever. Let me know.

Attn E

Dear Sir 

Go over to Money Gram and sned dow the fee immediately. 

Let me have the money gram reference number as I am in the office rigght now waiting.

Agent Clive Wood 

Alright, I have the $3000.00 here at the Moneygram place. Everything's golden. They said that...being this is an official bribe of for U.S. federal agent...you would need to fill out these forms. They said it's a standard form that's required in order to make an "official federal bribe". 

They also said that you would understand and comply. So, print these out, fill in the information, scan them back in or whatever you have to do, so I can get this $3000.00 to you. I'm here in the office, right now, using their computer. A young woman with big boobs, mean eyes and little patience is giving me shit. They'll be closing soon, so, make it snappy, Agent Clive Owen Woody. 

P.S. I'm glad you didn't want the sex.

The forms I'm referring to can be found here. They are fake and they are brilliant. I pissed myself reading them. It was messy.

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I do not understand all these process because al you need to do at money gram is will out their form and include the coordinates of how to snd the money and them hand over the money to the Money gram official and he will give you an 8 digit number which is the reference number and you will send the number to me.

Fill out the form urgently and send the fee.

Agent Clive Wood 

I was told that the forms were to be filled out and returned by the government official receiving the official bribe. They said that the forms are fairly straight forward and could be filled out and returned to proceed with the issuance of the "Governmental Bribe Money Gram" (whatever that means). 

The people at Money Gram said that these forms were standard requirement in order to make the transfer. It was understood that you, being a federal agent, would be familiar with these forms and procedures. Aren't you a government agent? I'm confused.

Dear Sir  

We have received money times without number from western union and money gram and there is nothing like such form so I do not know where you got them from.

Go over to another money gram outlet and just fill out the senders form and hand them  the money and nothing again than the reference number which you will sned to me.

I have no time or such form.

Agent Clive Wood

Something seems strange about all this, Agent Woody Clive. These were given to me by Money Gram for you to fill out. If I go to another outlet, I'm sure they'll give me the same forms. An FBI agent should be familiar with these, sir. Hey, maybe you're just cramped for time. I get that. 

So, fill them out, send them back and lets get this done already. I've got $3000.00 ready to go! I just need these forms so I can send this. My money is ready to go! (photo of money ready to go attached)

(photo I attached and also the closest this blog has come to making money)

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I have never seen such because I do sned money by MG too and what I do is just pick the senders form and fill out the information and hand over to the agent and theyw will compute the info to their system and give me the reference number.

Give me time to study the form and I will get back to you.

Agent Clive Wood

Oh, the power of money to change a tune.

Okay, sir. You had me worried that you weren't a true FBI agent for a minute. I was panicked! Phew, I'm glad you're the real deal. I've got the cash ready to go! I need those trunks for my underground lair/roller derby rink/fish taco stand. My militia will be so happy. I'll be waiting Agent Woody Owen Clive. 

Attn E

Now I understand with the kind of emails i read from you that you have syche problem. You must be sick to send me such a rubbish form and ask me to fill. Fill it your self and submit.

I am taking a final decision on your boxes by Monday.

Good bye

 Agent Clive Wood

I have what problems? Something's fishy with you, Clive Woody. So, are you saying you're not a real agent, sir? Are you trying to duck out of 

filling out official forms because  you are not in fact a government agent, Agent Clive Woody? I. Am. Shocked. I'm just trying to get these trunks released and because you have some hang up about filling out some forms, I can't have them. 

The only one holding up this stuff is you Agent Woody Clive Owen...if that is your real name! I was weirded about sending so much cash via Money Gram anyway. If you don't want the bribe, then, so be it. I just wanted to do the patriotic thing with all of this.

 I'm an American, sir, and if you can't respect a standardized form, then, YOU must be some kinda...anti-American federal agent. Just fill out the forms, so I can send you the money already, Otu nne gi!

Those last three words are Nigerian curse words. It means...roughly, "Your Mother's Cunt".

PLEASE CHEEK OUT THE MEANING OF Otu nne gi! AND TELL ME THE MEANING BECAUSE I HAVDE THE MEANING AND NEVER YOU CONTACT ME ANY MORE AS THOSE 

TRUNKS ARE GOING TO BE CONFISCATED.

Sorry, that was inserted on the suggestion of one of my militia colleagues. He said it was a code phrase that you...being a "federal agent" would understand. What does it mean, exactly? I'm not sure. 

What can I do to remedy this situation, Agent Clive Woody? I still have a WAD of cash here. Get those forms back to me, I'll send you the money...with a little extra *wink, wink* and everything will be golden, onye nzuzu.

Those last words are calling him an idiot in Nigerian. As insulting as those words are...I can see why the misspell so many things. Their words look like they were formed by throwing a keyboard down stairs.

Otu nne gi!

 Anu Nna gi

onye nzuzu

Anu Ofia

Nne gi ga Nwu shortly.

Nna Gi Ga Nwu soon

Umu nee gi ga Nwu oge na etegi aka.

I will attend your mother's burial soon.

BASTARD

Wow. You're being especially harsh, sir. That isn't even American, Agent Cock Woody. It appears that you have phonetically spelled out the sounds of you choking on a man's penis. Is this what has happened? Is the F.B.I. currently engaged in an all male orgy? An orgy...which according to you, will involve my mother's burial? Besides, sir, it waiting for my mother's burial might take a while. She's not exceptionally old. 

May I make a suggestion? Perhaps, the orgy might ask your mother, as she is often involved in many orgies, both straight and homosexual, for very little money. In fact, I heard she would do it for free...as you are her child and retarded any way. Who would say no to a retarded person? Especially...a retarded federal agent. 

Oh, and I was told to say..."yo, fadder, punk bitch". Does that mean your "fadder" is an all male orgy fella too? You dey craze! It can be a family affair! YAY! Mumu.

That last slug of nonsense with "fadder" and want not, are apparently are what pass for insults in Nigeria. I think they might be better at scams than hurting each other's feelings. 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent.

The beginning of this mess is WAY back here. Catch up already!    

      Impersonating a federal agent is a tricky affair and oddly enough, never has the pay off you're looking for. You never fool anyone doing it. There's an added bonus of, unless it's Halloween, ending up in prison for as well. Federal prison, of course, housing the "alphas" of today's prison system, it's the headquarters for today's best and brightest prison rapists. So, it's not a very nice, nor sexy place to end up. Especially after some poorly thought out cos play.

I will be entering the facility at roughly 2 pm and, I assume,

 the facility will be entering me roughly soon after--over.

      Despite the possible rape-age, many morons still whip out the "I'm an FBI...person." occasionally. The Nigerian scam-tard saying he's a Fed is one of those times and is just as stupid as you think it is. No. Check that--it's more stupid. It's so ridiculous, it has lead me to believe there's an epidemic of gas huffing computer nerds in Nigeria.

Not a federal agent, he only plays one in a Nigerian internet cafe.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

ATTENTION: E

OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM FBI

My Name is Agent  Wood from justice department , Federal Bureau Of Investigation , Washington DC. It has been discovered that a vault containing  a photo chronic material,diamonds and gold covered with clothes registered in your name as the final beneficiary through special diplomatic 

courier has been stopped in JFK airport NY for further clarification.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.) waded in after being alerted by the the intelligent unit in England. It was further revealed that initial delivery originated from Iraq to England, final destination USA through Red cross Special Diplomatic Jet.These delivery did not follow due process in line with the international courier rules and regulation.

We have been notified by Serious Organized Crime Agency (S.O.C.A ) England that a clearance pass was not issued from the proper authorities in London, England and the diplomat handling this vault further transferred the vault to another red cross Jet headed USA with an obnoxious intent.

This has raised their suspicion ,anyways a report has stated that the vault has been scanned and passed screening, has nothing illegal and is not associated to terrorism. As stated above, the vault has your particulars on it, and you must have the clearance pass obtained from England through the diplomat handling 

the consignment,as it is the submission of the Intelligent unit (S.O.C.A) instructing FBI to have the Vault Stopped from further delivery until the Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer Pass Certificate is issued from England. We have a warrant from international intelligence  to have you the beneficiary and the courier company secure the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer from the the Airport Authority In London, England where the pass warrant was avoided before we further release the vault and have you 

and your courier diplomat cleared of any illegality .

Therefore contact the diplomat handling the delivery of your parcel to clarify this situation.

Note that you guys have 3 working days to obtain this crucial Documentation.

Faithfully Yours

Agent Clive Wood for

Robert S. Mueller III

FBI Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

CC. TO:

Supreme Court of the United States

Supreme Court of Canada 

U. S. District Courts

Canadian District Courts

Canada & U. S. Court of Federal Claims, 1982 -

Federal Courts Outside the Judiciary 

Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA ) England

Oh, man! I was on a business trip selling blow to a friend of mine. 20kg worth to be exact. That's not easy to do Agent Woody, sir. I'd like an extension of some sort. Is that possible? I'm an American and I demand an extension!

 I need some time to launder money I recently received and I'll shoot on over and get that trunks of goodies. My buddies and I, are going to use it to purchase a LOT of guns for the up coming Armageddon. It's going to be a real "humdinger". It's why I need those trunks...and why I'm selling all the blow. 

You can never be too prepared you know? Wait--you're from the uh...F.B.I.? Shit. Listen, when I said "blow", I meant...pops. It's a candy. Dammit--and by firearms I meant...sub machine guns that WON'T be concealed and aren't fully automatic. I didn't mean to confuse you. I've been drinking a lot of homemade whiskey and marijuana that I "found" in my basement under grow lights, lately. I apologize. Is it possible to get an extension? I'll contact the guy in England and sort this all out. You'll be doing me a HUGE favor by allowing me an extension. I might even be able to bribe you...which I may or may not do...depending on the legality. 

Who do I have to contact to get these trunks? 

Attn: E.

I am ready and willing to help you. 

We have just discovered that the 2 boxes has a total sum of $22 Million inside the trunks. Do you have the Drug free certificate, the money Laundry, Certificate and the Anti Terrorist Certificate issued to you by the Justice department on this money?

I am ready to assist you get the money down to your address if you co-operate with me.

Respond Urgently.

Agent Clive Wood

E.,

I need to receive your response to my last mail urgently or we will do the needful on your trunks.

Agent Clive Wood

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Treat this email with the utmost attention it deserves.

If we do not receive words from you in the next 5 working days from today, we will do the needful and get your boxes confiscated.

Agent Clive Wood

Having little patience, the dip shit just kept at it. Besides, I like to keep the F.B.I. waiting. It calms them and flaunts your self importance. They appreciate that.

Hello Agent What's His Face, 

I have been instructed to possibly bribe you...or not. I'm not sure. How much will it cost to get the trunks with all the awesome treasure to be released. Me and my cohorts are in desperate need of their content. We plan on arming a militia and building an underground lair for that militia, as well as constructing a roller rink and a fish taco stand. So, an expedient end to this transaction of trunk gold goodness would be outstanding. 

Would you like to meet in a dark alley? I have a trench coat, but, it's a...little...greasy. I'd like to tell you why, but, explaining oily nudity takes WAY too long. Tell me how much it's going to take to ease this process for all of us. Thank you.

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Your memo to my desk has been received and contents noted with thank.

You need to make available via western union the sum of $3000.00 urgently through the coordinates below to enable me process all the documents 

and release your 2 boxes to your address via FedEx.

REEIVER                       FRANK GREEN

DESTINAION                 NEW YORK

TEST QUESTION           IN GOD

ANSWER                      WE TRUST.

Let me have the MTCN number once you send down the fee.

Agent Clive Wood

      FINALLY! We get to the money. What the hell were they waiting for? The suspense was killing me. Though, it does answer the age old question of "How many Nigerians does it take to scam money via email?". The answer is 3. 

      So, we've gotten to the money! Next, the chilling end...or not. Not so chilly, just monstrously stupid. So, achingly stupid, you'll wish that punishment for Nigerian scamming involved a time machine and legalized abortion.

[Next: Bribing The F.B.I., JFK and a Terrorist Act] 

Commercials Made For...Who?

     There are mornings, that upon waking, seem brighter. The foul air of stupidity that's usually present is cleaner and smells...smarter, the birds chirp in a way that says, "It's okay, today is cloudless sunshine with a 90% chance of rainbows!" Everything is fantastic.Then, a retarded commercial on t.v. ruins the whole fucking day.

The Mio Liquid Animal Ads

I. Just. Peed.

     The commercial above, is selling Mio drink mix it's also a cold stare in to a hellish abyss of animal driven nightmares. It was hard to tell what they were selling through all the childlike sobbing I was doing. Mio is a liquid concentrate Kool-Aid mix, that you squirt into water to make it taste like...fruity water. It's basically Kool-Aid mix for hip, slightly stupid adults who feel their tastes are more mature than regular Kool-Aid. This is a classic "separate an idiot from his money" product. Putting fruity concentrate in a tiny, expensive plastic bottle, giving you half of what you want but, charging you twice as much doesn't make it different from Kool Aid. It just says your a complete idiot who likes fruity water.

      The problem isn't with the pocket sized Juicey Juice mix. It's with the nightmare fuel animal people acting like nonchalant assholes in a bar that bothers me.

      Who the hell was this commercial made for? People who have trouble shitting themselves from panic and fear? It's a bunch of photo realistic-ish animals talking about fruit drink mix for fuck's sake. Is there a demographic of people craving photo realistic anthropomorphic bar hoppers? I don't understand. If you're peddling fruit drink to adults, why do you need bizarre animal people? If you're hocking your junk to kids, why are the freak-imals in a bar talking like adults?! It's confusing, scary and...I just threw up a little.

1800 Tequila

Whatever happened to shutting the fuck up?

      I'm all about getting trashed and whining, this blog proves it, but, I'm not trying to sell you anything doing it. That would just be a stupid way to get you to NOT buy something. Which is the opposite of what advertising is about. Right? I'm not totally hip to the television ad game. I'm roughly familiar with the swatches of information I get from the parts of Mad Men that doesn't have Christina Hendricks boobs in it. ( **hint, hint ---> MAD MEN SEASON 1 BY MAD MEN (Blu-Ray) [3 DISCS]). So, I might be way off base in assuming that no one buys things from crotchety pricks in suits that sit alone in empty bars complaining about shit. Am I wrong?

      Hey, I understand the appeal of nostalgia. Looking back to a time when shit seemed awesome. Sometimes, I wish I was still small enough to tie a sheet around my neck and run around the house playing Superman. When, I do it now, they call the police and talk about a possible suicide attempts and delusions of super powers. Fucking bastards.

     So, here is this guy, bitching about things that he's not even old enough to bitch about missing. He's tossing out this "Remember the smoke filled bars, suit clad, fedora wearing Sinatra type guys of yesteryear? Them's was good days, good guys." vibe, like he lived it. He was there. He shook The Chairman's hand! He's 46. Which would put his formative Sinatra days as some time in the late 80's/90's.

     Maybe they should refine the ad campaign to incorporate this. Perhaps, "Whatever happened to real men, like Al Bundy or John Mclane?..." Speaking of pricks reminiscing out side of their years.

Let's have a sleep over guys!

      I'm going to say this right up front. I'm a bit biased. I hate Puff Daddy (which is the name I first heard of him using, so, it's his dumb ass name). I hate, hate hate his ass. His career and fame are based on the talents and work of better arrtists. The guy comes off as a rip-off, leaching, talent-less tard who treats money like douche' fuel. (sigh) I feel better now and can move on. Who the fuckin' fuck was this commercial made for?

      Is it for asshole's aping for a "Rat Pack/Boozy Sinatra and Pals" kind of time? Look, I can...kinda see the appeal. With everything from smoking to hate crime being illegal now, who are the cool, hip rule breakers, huh? Sinatra and his fellas were awesome! The didn't play by societies standards. They boozed hard, ladied it up and partied 24 hours a day...literally...I looked it up. Who wouldn't want that kind a life?

      You wouldn't, bitch. Back in their day, Sinatra and his ilk lived life hard because times were pretty straight laced back then and bucking trends was hardcore. Segregation was in full swing, homosexuality was only accepted as Milton Berle in drag and church was still...popular, this was the time of The Rat Pack boozathon. When they were busting out of societies confines, it was a big deal and they were the types to not give a shit. Awesome---unlike today. Today, we get Puffy, a couple of barely famous actors and I'm assuming European male underwear models.

      Today, none of that "going against the grain" shit applies really. A lot of the stuff the O.G. Rat Pack railed against is acceptable now. Segregation was found out to be just as dumb--as klan rallies are white, church has been shunned to t.v. channels no one watches and homosexuality has it's own channel...it's called Bravo. 

      So, what are Puffy and his play mates trying to re-kindle? Oh, wearing suits, staying up all night and getting tanked while blowing money on hooker/super models no one gets to sleep with. That's called an "average weekend" on most college campuses. Only, on campuses, they spend the money on rubbers and weed instead of over priced vodka. Gooooooooooo progress!

H, I and J are for High Impact Jousting (A to Z Blogging Challenge)

      Stupidity, has been a mainstay of humanity since the dawn of mankind. Everyone is, knows, has known or enjoyed the fruits of stupidity. Those fruits come in many forms, be it some poor bastard shearing off his own nuts while juggling chainsaws or running for President of The United States,  people love stupidity. Unfortunately, stupidity is best showcased wrapped in the warm, prickly, blood soaked blanket of violence. Don't get me wrong, it's still entertaining, just unfortunate.

Just ask all those do it yourself "hammer dentists".

      The latest unfortunate showcase of stupidity is a show called Full Metal Jousting. Basically, it's two people, clad in "armor" riding horses at each other, while spearing each other with long, sharp sticks. Some people see this as "manly" or "fun". Most of us just see it as it is...incredibly stupid...which it is. 

QUICK! Point your joust at the dumbest mother fucker here.

      Men, in general, have been trying to kill each other in creative ways since...forever. Some are really good at it (ask any James Bond villain) and others really suck ass at it (Russian roulette). Jousting, as illustrated by this History Channel show, has created it's own niche in the creative killing catalog. It's a stupid...stupid niche. 

      Running at people with pointy objects does have a purpose, that's not the argument. The purpose of course is to kill the person you're running at...with your pointy stick. Add in a horse and you've got some high speed (albeit awkward) killing going on! It might be the oldest, most effective way to kill something since blunt objects, drowning and old age. It's great during a battle type of situation. Especially OLD battles, before hurling projectiles became the "hip, new thing". Jousting is great and works splendidly...if the other person is: 

1. Unaware that you're trying to kill them with a long pointy stick and a horse

2. Has come to the battle without a weapon that can be thrown at a running horse and/or person.

3. Hasn't discovered the ability to run away.

4. Is a member of an army that doesn't employ things like; fire, rocks or guns. 

      I'm sure there are other stipulations that would effect jousting in general, but, you get the idea. Jousting is a stupid, desperate way to fight a battle. It's a one hit wonder...so to speak. Yet, it's not entirely stupid, seriously. If it were between fighting someone with or without a sharp stick and a horse...I would take the sharp stick and a horse. The stupid part involves the addition of another idiot running you down with an equally sharp stick...and an equally fast horse. 

One of these things is not like the other...

one of these things just got speared off a damn horse.

      When two idiots of equal or lesser value decide to run, full bore, at each other with sharp sticks, it is entertaining. Yet, isn't it, somehow, our duty to inform them of how incredibly stupid it is? Perhaps, with facts thrown their way, instead of jousts, we might turn the tide on their stupidity. Maybe, informing them that if nature had intended us to jab each other with long death rods, he would have gave us large bony chests, foreheads and such. Like, a humanized Triceratops. Possibly informing them that one or both of them, when choosing to joust, increases their chance of dying to almost one hundred percent. Though, I don't think the message would reach them, not with all that armor and stupidity wrapped around them. 

      So, I think that it's best to leave the jousting to the "experts"...where ever they are. We simple, stupid, people should go about our lives...not dying by pointy sticks. There seems to be a calm justice in that. Just beware of impaled, flying "knight" bodies. They're easy to identify. They'll be the one's screaming "Why?! Why am I so stupid? Why!?". Try not to laugh.