Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent Again...

      Normally, I'm not one to spew on and on about the same thing. I try and relegate ridiculous sputtering to one lengthy, impossibly stupid post and not many. These, however, are just too good to pass up. Who knew that Nigerian scammers would be such ridiculous fun? It wasn't in the brochure. So, if you will just indulge me for a bit, I promise, I'll stop soon.

Check out the previous post for the beginning of this mess...or start at the beginning, beginning. Either way...here's the rest.

      $3000.00 isn't a problem. I have that in a sock on my door knob. The problem might be Western Union. You see, the last time I used them, we had a disagreement. They had a problem recognizing my American god given right to bear arms as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment to our great and holy U.S. Constitution.

      Apparently, carrying a AR15 rifle slung over your shoulder "scares customers" (whatever in the commie shit that means). So, I'm not allowed back on their premises, DESPITE my legal challenges. Is there another way I can wire you the money?

Oh, shit, I wanted to ask you...does this count as a bribe?

       I had a conversation with a lawyer and he said...uh...I'm not sure. Even after that conversation, I'm still kinda lost, he was English and confusing. Would you rather have sex? I mean, I'm a straight guy. I'd rather not do the sex, but, if it's what it takes to get this thing done. You know...I might consider...maybe. I--I don't know. Just let me know if it's some sexual shit you want or just...whatever. Let me know.

Attn E

Dear Sir 

Go over to Money Gram and sned dow the fee immediately. 

Let me have the money gram reference number as I am in the office rigght now waiting.

Agent Clive Wood 

Alright, I have the $3000.00 here at the Moneygram place. Everything's golden. They said that...being this is an official bribe of for U.S. federal agent...you would need to fill out these forms. They said it's a standard form that's required in order to make an "official federal bribe". 

They also said that you would understand and comply. So, print these out, fill in the information, scan them back in or whatever you have to do, so I can get this $3000.00 to you. I'm here in the office, right now, using their computer. A young woman with big boobs, mean eyes and little patience is giving me shit. They'll be closing soon, so, make it snappy, Agent Clive Owen Woody. 

P.S. I'm glad you didn't want the sex.

The forms I'm referring to can be found here. They are fake and they are brilliant. I pissed myself reading them. It was messy.

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I do not understand all these process because al you need to do at money gram is will out their form and include the coordinates of how to snd the money and them hand over the money to the Money gram official and he will give you an 8 digit number which is the reference number and you will send the number to me.

Fill out the form urgently and send the fee.

Agent Clive Wood 

I was told that the forms were to be filled out and returned by the government official receiving the official bribe. They said that the forms are fairly straight forward and could be filled out and returned to proceed with the issuance of the "Governmental Bribe Money Gram" (whatever that means). 

The people at Money Gram said that these forms were standard requirement in order to make the transfer. It was understood that you, being a federal agent, would be familiar with these forms and procedures. Aren't you a government agent? I'm confused.

Dear Sir  

We have received money times without number from western union and money gram and there is nothing like such form so I do not know where you got them from.

Go over to another money gram outlet and just fill out the senders form and hand them  the money and nothing again than the reference number which you will sned to me.

I have no time or such form.

Agent Clive Wood

Something seems strange about all this, Agent Woody Clive. These were given to me by Money Gram for you to fill out. If I go to another outlet, I'm sure they'll give me the same forms. An FBI agent should be familiar with these, sir. Hey, maybe you're just cramped for time. I get that. 

So, fill them out, send them back and lets get this done already. I've got $3000.00 ready to go! I just need these forms so I can send this. My money is ready to go! (photo of money ready to go attached)

(photo I attached and also the closest this blog has come to making money)

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I have never seen such because I do sned money by MG too and what I do is just pick the senders form and fill out the information and hand over to the agent and theyw will compute the info to their system and give me the reference number.

Give me time to study the form and I will get back to you.

Agent Clive Wood

Oh, the power of money to change a tune.

Okay, sir. You had me worried that you weren't a true FBI agent for a minute. I was panicked! Phew, I'm glad you're the real deal. I've got the cash ready to go! I need those trunks for my underground lair/roller derby rink/fish taco stand. My militia will be so happy. I'll be waiting Agent Woody Owen Clive. 

Attn E

Now I understand with the kind of emails i read from you that you have syche problem. You must be sick to send me such a rubbish form and ask me to fill. Fill it your self and submit.

I am taking a final decision on your boxes by Monday.

Good bye

 Agent Clive Wood

I have what problems? Something's fishy with you, Clive Woody. So, are you saying you're not a real agent, sir? Are you trying to duck out of 

filling out official forms because  you are not in fact a government agent, Agent Clive Woody? I. Am. Shocked. I'm just trying to get these trunks released and because you have some hang up about filling out some forms, I can't have them. 

The only one holding up this stuff is you Agent Woody Clive Owen...if that is your real name! I was weirded about sending so much cash via Money Gram anyway. If you don't want the bribe, then, so be it. I just wanted to do the patriotic thing with all of this.

 I'm an American, sir, and if you can't respect a standardized form, then, YOU must be some kinda...anti-American federal agent. Just fill out the forms, so I can send you the money already, Otu nne gi!

Those last three words are Nigerian curse words. It means...roughly, "Your Mother's Cunt".

PLEASE CHEEK OUT THE MEANING OF Otu nne gi! AND TELL ME THE MEANING BECAUSE I HAVDE THE MEANING AND NEVER YOU CONTACT ME ANY MORE AS THOSE 

TRUNKS ARE GOING TO BE CONFISCATED.

Sorry, that was inserted on the suggestion of one of my militia colleagues. He said it was a code phrase that you...being a "federal agent" would understand. What does it mean, exactly? I'm not sure. 

What can I do to remedy this situation, Agent Clive Woody? I still have a WAD of cash here. Get those forms back to me, I'll send you the money...with a little extra *wink, wink* and everything will be golden, onye nzuzu.

Those last words are calling him an idiot in Nigerian. As insulting as those words are...I can see why the misspell so many things. Their words look like they were formed by throwing a keyboard down stairs.

Otu nne gi!

 Anu Nna gi

onye nzuzu

Anu Ofia

Nne gi ga Nwu shortly.

Nna Gi Ga Nwu soon

Umu nee gi ga Nwu oge na etegi aka.

I will attend your mother's burial soon.

BASTARD

Wow. You're being especially harsh, sir. That isn't even American, Agent Cock Woody. It appears that you have phonetically spelled out the sounds of you choking on a man's penis. Is this what has happened? Is the F.B.I. currently engaged in an all male orgy? An orgy...which according to you, will involve my mother's burial? Besides, sir, it waiting for my mother's burial might take a while. She's not exceptionally old. 

May I make a suggestion? Perhaps, the orgy might ask your mother, as she is often involved in many orgies, both straight and homosexual, for very little money. In fact, I heard she would do it for free...as you are her child and retarded any way. Who would say no to a retarded person? Especially...a retarded federal agent. 

Oh, and I was told to say..."yo, fadder, punk bitch". Does that mean your "fadder" is an all male orgy fella too? You dey craze! It can be a family affair! YAY! Mumu.

That last slug of nonsense with "fadder" and want not, are apparently are what pass for insults in Nigeria. I think they might be better at scams than hurting each other's feelings. 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent.

The beginning of this mess is WAY back here. Catch up already!    

      Impersonating a federal agent is a tricky affair and oddly enough, never has the pay off you're looking for. You never fool anyone doing it. There's an added bonus of, unless it's Halloween, ending up in prison for as well. Federal prison, of course, housing the "alphas" of today's prison system, it's the headquarters for today's best and brightest prison rapists. So, it's not a very nice, nor sexy place to end up. Especially after some poorly thought out cos play.

I will be entering the facility at roughly 2 pm and, I assume,

 the facility will be entering me roughly soon after--over.

      Despite the possible rape-age, many morons still whip out the "I'm an FBI...person." occasionally. The Nigerian scam-tard saying he's a Fed is one of those times and is just as stupid as you think it is. No. Check that--it's more stupid. It's so ridiculous, it has lead me to believe there's an epidemic of gas huffing computer nerds in Nigeria.

Not a federal agent, he only plays one in a Nigerian internet cafe.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

ATTENTION: E

OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM FBI

My Name is Agent  Wood from justice department , Federal Bureau Of Investigation , Washington DC. It has been discovered that a vault containing  a photo chronic material,diamonds and gold covered with clothes registered in your name as the final beneficiary through special diplomatic 

courier has been stopped in JFK airport NY for further clarification.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.) waded in after being alerted by the the intelligent unit in England. It was further revealed that initial delivery originated from Iraq to England, final destination USA through Red cross Special Diplomatic Jet.These delivery did not follow due process in line with the international courier rules and regulation.

We have been notified by Serious Organized Crime Agency (S.O.C.A ) England that a clearance pass was not issued from the proper authorities in London, England and the diplomat handling this vault further transferred the vault to another red cross Jet headed USA with an obnoxious intent.

This has raised their suspicion ,anyways a report has stated that the vault has been scanned and passed screening, has nothing illegal and is not associated to terrorism. As stated above, the vault has your particulars on it, and you must have the clearance pass obtained from England through the diplomat handling 

the consignment,as it is the submission of the Intelligent unit (S.O.C.A) instructing FBI to have the Vault Stopped from further delivery until the Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer Pass Certificate is issued from England. We have a warrant from international intelligence  to have you the beneficiary and the courier company secure the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer from the the Airport Authority In London, England where the pass warrant was avoided before we further release the vault and have you 

and your courier diplomat cleared of any illegality .

Therefore contact the diplomat handling the delivery of your parcel to clarify this situation.

Note that you guys have 3 working days to obtain this crucial Documentation.

Faithfully Yours

Agent Clive Wood for

Robert S. Mueller III

FBI Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

CC. TO:

Supreme Court of the United States

Supreme Court of Canada 

U. S. District Courts

Canadian District Courts

Canada & U. S. Court of Federal Claims, 1982 -

Federal Courts Outside the Judiciary 

Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA ) England

Oh, man! I was on a business trip selling blow to a friend of mine. 20kg worth to be exact. That's not easy to do Agent Woody, sir. I'd like an extension of some sort. Is that possible? I'm an American and I demand an extension!

 I need some time to launder money I recently received and I'll shoot on over and get that trunks of goodies. My buddies and I, are going to use it to purchase a LOT of guns for the up coming Armageddon. It's going to be a real "humdinger". It's why I need those trunks...and why I'm selling all the blow. 

You can never be too prepared you know? Wait--you're from the uh...F.B.I.? Shit. Listen, when I said "blow", I meant...pops. It's a candy. Dammit--and by firearms I meant...sub machine guns that WON'T be concealed and aren't fully automatic. I didn't mean to confuse you. I've been drinking a lot of homemade whiskey and marijuana that I "found" in my basement under grow lights, lately. I apologize. Is it possible to get an extension? I'll contact the guy in England and sort this all out. You'll be doing me a HUGE favor by allowing me an extension. I might even be able to bribe you...which I may or may not do...depending on the legality. 

Who do I have to contact to get these trunks? 

Attn: E.

I am ready and willing to help you. 

We have just discovered that the 2 boxes has a total sum of $22 Million inside the trunks. Do you have the Drug free certificate, the money Laundry, Certificate and the Anti Terrorist Certificate issued to you by the Justice department on this money?

I am ready to assist you get the money down to your address if you co-operate with me.

Respond Urgently.

Agent Clive Wood

E.,

I need to receive your response to my last mail urgently or we will do the needful on your trunks.

Agent Clive Wood

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Treat this email with the utmost attention it deserves.

If we do not receive words from you in the next 5 working days from today, we will do the needful and get your boxes confiscated.

Agent Clive Wood

Having little patience, the dip shit just kept at it. Besides, I like to keep the F.B.I. waiting. It calms them and flaunts your self importance. They appreciate that.

Hello Agent What's His Face, 

I have been instructed to possibly bribe you...or not. I'm not sure. How much will it cost to get the trunks with all the awesome treasure to be released. Me and my cohorts are in desperate need of their content. We plan on arming a militia and building an underground lair for that militia, as well as constructing a roller rink and a fish taco stand. So, an expedient end to this transaction of trunk gold goodness would be outstanding. 

Would you like to meet in a dark alley? I have a trench coat, but, it's a...little...greasy. I'd like to tell you why, but, explaining oily nudity takes WAY too long. Tell me how much it's going to take to ease this process for all of us. Thank you.

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Your memo to my desk has been received and contents noted with thank.

You need to make available via western union the sum of $3000.00 urgently through the coordinates below to enable me process all the documents 

and release your 2 boxes to your address via FedEx.

REEIVER                       FRANK GREEN

DESTINAION                 NEW YORK

TEST QUESTION           IN GOD

ANSWER                      WE TRUST.

Let me have the MTCN number once you send down the fee.

Agent Clive Wood

      FINALLY! We get to the money. What the hell were they waiting for? The suspense was killing me. Though, it does answer the age old question of "How many Nigerians does it take to scam money via email?". The answer is 3. 

      So, we've gotten to the money! Next, the chilling end...or not. Not so chilly, just monstrously stupid. So, achingly stupid, you'll wish that punishment for Nigerian scamming involved a time machine and legalized abortion.

[Next: Bribing The F.B.I., JFK and a Terrorist Act] 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The Diplomat

      I apologize, dear reader. It would seem that in my haste to deliver on my Nigerian scamming delights, I had skipped a bit player in the melodrama. The Diplomat. He is supposed to be bringing the trunks filled with Afghan gold to me! How could I forget right? It's like forgetting to stock razors in Demi Lovato's dressing room. Rookie mistake.

Dear Sir

I am Diplomat Russell Cox the official diplomat to the World Wide

Delivery company here in London UK.

 I will be arriving John F. Kennedy Airport (JFK) New York by 3.00 AM

on Tuesday 10th July, 2012 for the delivery of your

 2 Trunks to your mailing address and I will contact you upon my arrival.

 Kindly on receipt of this email re-confirm to me immediately your

mailing address and your cell telephone number.

 Meanwhile, find enclosed copy of my British Passport for you to

identify me when I arrive your address in USA.

 Please acknowledge Receipt of my passport.

 Dip Russell Cox             

Alternative email   diprussellcox@gmail.com

I, of course, lead what I have convinced myself is a life, so, I didn't answer him right away. So, he sent me a few more emails saying he was at JFK waiting. I guess scamming Nigerians posing as diplomats get a special hotel rate, letting them stay indefinitely. Regardless...he grew impatient as scam folks often do.  

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Dear Sir

I flew into JFK since this Tuesday and notified you about my arrival with your 2 trunks and till this very moment I have not received words from 

you to know where you are as the boxes are still with the custom. I also informed you about my arrival date before I left UK to USA and no 

response from you.

I will be compelled to notify the delivery company in UK and fly the boxes back to UK if I do not receive words from you.

Dip Russell Cox

      My god sir! I apologize immensely for this mis-communication. As it turns out, I had a speaking engagement with a small group of itchy trigger fingered patriots from Milwaukee. They're trying to throw together an organization like me and my boys have, but, want to do it without the liberating use of body grease or nudity. Can you believe it? Bunch of commies.

       It's our god given American right to brandish fire arms without the hindrance of clothing. What did hell did Jesus and Uncle Sam die for if not for that?! I had to drive over in my VW van/love wagon to set them straight. It took a few  days and a lot of "convincing" to get those fellas out of their skivvies, slathered in grease and onto a FIRING RANGE! They eventually saw the light. God bless America sir, god bless it. 

      I hope I'm not too late on this one, Dip. I really want this to come through for this Army fella. Besides, me and my boys have already decided what to do with our share of the money! You ready for this, Dip? Hold on to your hat---underground militia lair/roller derby/fish taco restaurant. 

      It's kind of a combination of all of our ideas. We just decided to stop arguing at one point and that's what was left. Pretty good concept, am I right? You still need my info or are you gonna run 'em on over here? I can't wait to get this thing done with. Let's make this soldier proud to confiscate and then appropriate terror money, son. We can't let him down! THIS ONE'S FOR THE U.S.A.!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087 

USA

Dear Sir

Sequel to my last email to you, I flew in to the John F Kennedy (JFK) International Airport this morning with your 2 Trunks.

 I am trying to finalize the paperwork at the office of the Customs Officials and the boarder protection agency and will proceed to your residential Address immediately I conclude with Customs Officials at JFK Airport because they can not open the Trunks due to the Diplomatic Seal 

that was used to bind it.

 I advice you to be at your address and wait for me and always cheek your mail because I will Send you an email once I pick up my clearance to take a connecting flight to address.  Meanwhile, I am going to cheek into a hotel now to take my shower and have my rest and get down to the British embassy to notify them of my arrival before returning back to the Airport later in the day to pick up the clearance and fly down to your address. 

I will also try to take a picture of the Trunks where they are at the JFK when I return back from the embassy for your perusal. 

 I need to hear from you to know where you are before my departure to meet you up at your address.

 Dip Russell Cox

      It's at this point that the FBI somehow gets involved...for no reason that I can discern. Unless, there has been a severe lull in federal crime and they've decided to start arresting stupid people just for being stupid. Alas, the FBI agent enters and I let Dip know about it. Oh, on a side note, the proper abbreviation for diplomat is DPL. A little trivia for your long, lonely porn free nights.

Dear Dip, 

I have received an email from the F.B.I. saying I need to contact the courier of the "trunks". He says that I have to do some things with a form. I'm not sure what that means, so, please email me, immediately. 

My friends and I are trying to get our lair/roller-derby/fish taco franchise off the ground. A huge influx of middle eastern blood money would go a long way to realizing that dream. Please, help!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Let me see the FBI form you got because I am afraid that the FBI has nohing to do with the trunks and I need to find out if the form is an FBI scam.

I am still here at JFK waiting.

Dip Russell Cox

Dip 

I forwarded the email I got. What should I do? I'm wondering if bribing him is the American thing to do. I was thinking...maybe giving this Woody guy $1000 to "grease the wheels of democracy"...either that or a trailer park hooker I know. She's willing to do just about anything for $6 and a bottle of Shasta. What do you think? Remember...this is for Col. Johnson David! We must act quickly!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Have you contact the FBI agent as I directed you to do.

I need to hear from you urgently.

Dip  Russell Cox

Dip,

I just replied to him. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get this done. I'm not above giving the guy a bribe, but, I'm not going to have sex with him. That is my limit. I mean, I'm an American, through and through, but, I'm not gonna sit on the man's meat spear for a couple of trunks. Even if they're filled with an implausible amount of gold, know what...I...--you know, I'll keep an open mind as to what exactly needs 

to be done.

      So ends my time with the Diplomat, for now. Eventually, this whirlwind of dumbasses becomes more intense because, up until now, no one has asked me for money. For the uninitiated, Nigerian scams are geared toward getting...money. Whether these particular Nigerians were off cleaning AK47's during the "Introduction To Scamming" class, I'm not sure, but, I'll go along with it. Maybe they are just suckers for poor theatrics or are just genuinely stupid, either way, I'm entertained.  

Elton Versus The Scammers: The British Lawyer

Man, oh, man life has been treating me weird lately. I feel so behind in everything! Like a four balled man at a testicle kicking contest. Did you ever feel like you were asked to attend a costume party, then, decide to dress like a woman (because it's funny) and show up to find, that the party is actually a drag queen convention? Well, that's what I feel like. Just weird.

      Regardless, I'm back on track,maybe, and dispensing with ready made vigilante-esque justice for sinister, swarthy Nigerians. I'm here to dispel the villainy of Nigerian scamming...one tard at a time. This, however, involves at least 3 different guys...maybe. Who knows? Regardless, when I left off (you can read that here), I had finished with the soldier, mostly and have now moved on to the British lawyer.

The British Lawyer

This is an actual, real Nigerian lawyer, so, if you 

ever see him on the street, don't punch him 

and beat him with obscenely floppy dildos.

 Dear E

I have just read your email as per the instruction from Col Johnson David.

I need to have from you urgently your mailing address and your cell

telephone number to enable me submit same over to the delivery company

for the shipment of the trunks to your address.

Sir, William Scott,

I am a patriot of the highest order, sir. I love this country and it's

unflappable glory, like a straight woman loves penis. 

I am more than willing to help an american

soldier/hero/freedom savior when I can.

 This transaction that was proposed

to me seems more than legit. The one concern I have is your loyalty to the

Queen of England. I understand she's a fine woman and most likely a lover

of guns, but, still, she's not American.

Sir, I need to know that you are not a red coat loyalist and are doing

right by this U.S. soldier. Only then, will I send you the information you

require.

He didn't respond immediately, so, I took it upon myself to cattle prod him a little bit. Nigerian scam folk are crafty at question dodging. Wait...does crafty mean clumsily moronic? If it does...then, they are.

 

My name is E and I have recently been in contact with a young

 soldier who found some money in Afghanistan. He said to contact you so that

 I might help him get it. Now, I'm sure you do a decent job at lawyering and

 want not, Mr. Scott, but, I'd like it noted that you are not American. At

 least not in country. I have it on good authority that everyone in the U.K.

 is secretly tracked, via small sub-dermal chips in their skin, by the Queen

 of England. Therefore, 99% of British people shouldn't be trusted. The 1%

 that remains of course are the American friendlies sprinkled throughout

 that Godless country.

 So, with that being said Mr. Scott, I want to know...truthfully, if you

 love America and all of it's Red, White and Blue flag draped on bald eagles

 and hunting rifled glory or are you a dirty British sympathizer who tried

 to keep us under the thumb of a tyrannical king.

 I am serious, Mr. Scott. I await your reply.

Dear E

You will agree with me that this is taking longer than required.

I am a Briton and not  a red coat loyalist to any one. Now send to me

thr required information immediately and let me process the trunks

delivery to your address.

Willaism Scott

After getting a poor spelling Nigerian lawyer to explain that he's not a red coat. Obviously, you give him your address. It's the only logical progression in this correspondence. 

Thank you, sir. My heart swells with the sweet red, white and blue blood of American pride. Thank your lucky stars that you're not a microchipped enslaved drone of the Queen. I hear that's a special kind of hell filled with blood pudding, "fish and chips" and music of Graham Nash. Just saying that name gives me a shudder that I can't stop without freebasing antihistamine and ground up bald eagle feathers.

I apologize for this taking so long. I had to make sure you weren't a House of Windsor automaton, right? Wouldn't want the Queen to use this soldier's hard earned Afghan blood money to buy more shiny baubles and painted toe nails...and other royal like stuff. Besides, I was doing business in Detroit. There was a gun show/militia meeting. We ate nachos.

Here's my addy:  1127 Goldleaf Lane

                          Weehawken, NJ 07087 

Here's my cell, it's also my business/militia jamboree number too. If you're ever in town, Mr. Scott, feel free to call. Maybe we can go shoot some Un-American beer cans and maybe do a neighborhood watch/Tupperware party together. Though, your accent will surely scare the children. Some find it unsettling. It's nothing new to me, however. Can you believe they scream and run when I walk down the street? Like they've never seen a loaded AK-47...or and UZI...or an M-16, am I right? Here's the number: 201-669-8077

Dear E

Thank you for your mail and the mailing information.

I will be at the world wide delivery company this Thursday morning to

submit your mailing information and will revert to you as soon as I

return.

Have a wonderful day.

It would appear that the bastard scam...uh..bastards have almost...half won! They have my information and now need my money. They ALWAYS need money, can you believe that? So, I wait for them to pop the big question...when, suddenly...the FBI gets involved.

[NEXT: The F.B.I. Guy.]

      The address and phone number are not mine by the way. I got it from some generator I found online. I like to imagine that somewhere...in a dark Los Angeles alley, a drunken man, hopefully with an unintelligible accent is answering his phone and talking to perplexed Nigerians about a man named E. and his love of America...and disdain for Graham Nash.