Donald Trump For President? or "How An Idiot Got This Far And Why We Should Stop Him"

      Lately I've been trying to put a novel together.  It's supposed to be a funny, controversial religious story that mentions penises way more than any book rightfully should.  It just seems like a story that was begging to be told.  So far, it's going semi-well.  There are times when I'm overwhelmed, want to peel my face off and drink my own piss than write something, but alas, I feel I'll prevail.  Then, I can enter the hallowed halls of novelists that never sold a word.

I'll put up a few chapters of it when I feel it's not complete garbage.  That's not what this is all about however.  It's just what I've been doing during the time that this happened...

(Google says that every picture looks like this.)

What the fuck, America?  Did you drink gasoline while falling stairs or something?  What in the fucking fuck happened here?  I mean, I drop out for a bit, left you alone and this fucking guy happens?  You didn't have to go and do this..  Is this your way of getting back at me?  One of those by hitting yourself in the head, you make me feel bad, kind of things...except...with a baseball bat made of stupid?

Why are you letting this dip shit speak speak any word further than "You're fired!" on a show no one cares about?  Why is he allowed to fondle podiums and wince/smile during debates?  And you're letting him do what?  Run for President of The United fucking States of all things.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  So ashamed you should be sobbing.  To let a travesty like this happen, you should be crying and saying sorry.  Seriously.

(sigh)  I...I get it, United States.  Well, not ALL of the United States but, SOME of the U.S.  (I think we know who I'm talking about.)  I'm going to go a little 'V for Vendetta' here and say: "I know why you did it.  I know you were afraid." , but fuck nuts in a hand basket, US of A.  Did you have to let a functionally retarded inheritance baby get this far?  I mean, I'm kind of proud that everyone didn't fall for the Jeb Bush set up.  I mean, they OBVIOUSLY wanted him to be the nominee.  Why else would they put him between two wack jobs like Cruz and Trump on a stage?  I thought flanking that laugh riot with the obligatory white woman and black man (Carly Fiorina and Ben Carson) to show how "diverse" they were was a nice touch.  I digress...

What the fuck, America?!

By letting this Trump shit bag this far in...(sigh), you're only going to encourage his ilk to try this dumb shit again.  With this guy, it won't be long before he's tossing catch phrases at people who can ACTUALLY affect your way of life and bomb the ever lovin' fuck out of it.

 

There is still time to turn back

Alright, let's try talking you back to sanity...and maybe make America great again...

Let's talk about where it all went goofy...okay?  I promise, we won't go back that far...

The Gipper Screwed Us

 

Yep.  Fucked us pretty hard he did...and without a touch of lube. Ouch.

      I know that doddering old fella looked harmless, but with his "supply-side economics" (or "Reaganomics"), he set us on a course for shoeless summers and breadless winters.  Though not all of us, mind you, just the poor...and middle class...and anyone who doesn't already have millions of dollars.  His "voodoo economics" so unbalanced the budget that he created a multi-trillion dollar debt legacy: e.g. $1,763,884,000,000 in his 8 years, $1,469,243,000,000 in Bush’s, totaling $3.2 trillion (a 346% increase from the $934,073,000,000 debt left by President Carter to Reagan)

Yep, the Ronald and his crew threw their pee-pee in the middle-class's/poor's backside and rode it to Trickle Down Town, stripping the lower classes of reasonable healthcare, education, worker's rights and upward mobility along the way, bless his dumb assed heart.  He was only a snitch actor who helped Joseph Mccarthy accuse people of being communist.  He didn't know any better.

Oh...and this guy

 

If only you knew what your son was going to do. Yeesh.

No new taxes horseshit and trashing bi-partisanship?  Failed at preventing a Kuwait invasion and...added $1,042,000,000,000 to the U.S. debt.  What a shit head.

Cum again?

Billy boy help set the stage by screwing us out of Glass Steagall that lead to an economic catastrophe and of course...getting  a beejer from a star fucker.  Dumb bastard.

Is that a plane hitting the World Trade--Ooo...a squirrel.

      Holy shit!  This fucking guy.  He trashed the economy, tossed us into a war and then gave his buddies a huge payout courtesy of tax payers as he left office...all while giving us all the finger.  Plus, he did it all while not being able to form a coherent sentence without stuttering or coming off like a mentally defective dip shit.  This fuckin' guy should have been our first clue that "The Right" have had a glue sniffing problem for a while.

Executive Action:  It's 5 o'clock EVERYWHERE

      Obamacare, that didn't go far enough.  No prosecutions for the big bank blow up.  Plus, he's partially black, which scares all the old white folks.  While it's true he was up against a Congress of equally scared old white men, he deported more people than what history will show to be one of our worst presidents (George W. "What The Fuck Just Happened?!" Bush), so meh to him. MEH I SAY!

      So, I could see why the "right-wingers" are a little over zealous.  If had only been this build up, we might have had to deal someone like Newt Gingrich.  Instead, "righties" go all Trump with it.  Maybe it's because they need to...

Stop Believing Everything Rush Limbaugh And His Ilk Tell You




One of these fellas is a complete dumb ass, 
the other two wish they were half that smart.  
You decide who is who.

      I'll admit, I listen to their shit.  I'm not proud, but it's entertainment for me.  It gets me riled up and pissed off, sometimes enough to do research to find out how completely fucking wrong all of them are about everything.  It's just entertainment however, as literally everything they say is contradicted in one way or another at least one or two minutes later.  

      Where they drove the right-wing nut jobs is directly into the arms of a complete waste of a human being called Donald Trump.  How?  By playing their audiences like muppets, is how.  Were the conservatives racists before?  Yeeeaahhhhweeell...kinda, sorta.  You couldn't really pin it directly ON that, but now?  Yeah.  It's because Rush and his clones made it okay to hate everyone that wasn't rich and white.  They dumbed down the economic minutiae, diplomatic bi-partisan communication and social applications of government to "us versus them".  And they did it just to make money.

      How can anyone with a functioning brain not decipher these huckster dip shits for what they are?  They're shock jocks who figured out that if you say enough horrific wrongly wrong things, tell people it's about politics and you'll get an audience out of it.  Either stupid asses that take what they say as gospel, the other side who takes everything they say as a personal defamation or people that like to hear rich white with microphones people puff on cigars while abusing prescription drugs (I'm lookin' at you Rush.) make up their money market.

      Do not listen to these blatantly fuck headed assholes.  You're only doing a disservice to Republicans, but (as you can see with Trump and Cruz) a disservice to the U.S.  Well, unless you can tell that they're really loud mouthed, carnival barkers who peddling shitty home security systems/herbal Viagra/pillows to make a quick buck, then light a cigar, pop some Oxycontin and chuckle for a few hours.  Let the anger flow.

There are a group of people who ignored the slew of bad omens, ignored all the signs and listened intently to dumb asses.  Now, we have this fuckin' guy:

 
This is where they say my brain should be. What do they know?  
They're losers.
 I'll prove them wrong by making Mexico buy me one!

      The claim is that, The Donald, has made it this far to send a message to "The Establishment".  It's the wrong message, unfortunately.  It's a message that screams, "We want an unqualified, egotistical bigoted moron to represent us as a people...on the planet Earth."  And "The Establishment" could care less (they're still trying to figure out why Jeb Bush didn't work out)...it's the whole world is hearing it instead.  Everyone.  Sure you can prattle on about how much you don't care what the world thinks, but everyone knows you do.

Seriously?  The guy couldn't keep a casino open.  A fucking casino.  You know...the "business" we're all comfortable with taking our money...openly...for fun?  He dicked that up.  He dicked up running a place that takes people's money for THEIR enjoyment and entertainment.

      It's time to stop acting stupid, America.  It's time to be great again and tell wind bag dumb asses like Trump to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up and send the right message to "The Establishment" and the world...which is..."We're sorry, our political parties are out of touch at the moment.  If you leave leave your name and number, we'll get back to you...once we've slapped their stupid asses back into reality.  Thank you for your patience."

Technology They Think We Need, But Are Actually F^cking Stupid

      Recently, I've noticed a trend of uselessness in products. There have always been useless "gadgets" and bullshit no one has needed, of course. Usually, time and demand sort out what works and what doesn't--what's needed and what's not. You would think that companies and people that build things would look back and compare their offerings to those that have failed in past. They don't, however, due to massive retardation in the ranks. Here are a few that are just completely fucking pointless, useless and all around horse shit. 

Curved Screens

 
Great now all of my porn is distorted. Thanks, OLED!

      I am the product of simpler times. Brought up on Pop Tarts and porn that had to be stolen; I looked forward to leaps and bounds in both technology and entertainment. I relished every new development and dreamed of an instant porn/Pop Tart world. Who didn't?

      Watching Star Trek when I was little, I remember thinking, "They have t.v.'s in their walls?! I want a t.v. in my wall. No. No, a t.v. as big as my wall. Pfff...what?! I want a movie theater, in my house. I want a mansion to put that theater in. I want the world. THE WORLD, CHICO AND EVERYTHING IN IT!"

      Now that we live in a future of free porn, robot blow jobs and flat screens. I can even order Pop Tarts and have them delivered. It would seem that the world was on the right track. Then, some dick head scientist thought, "Let's curve the fucking screens, because we can." and slowed the whole works. 

Unfortunately, asshole scientist/engineers never bothered to ask if we gave a shit. If they had we could have told them, "No. What are you stupid? Cure cancer already."

      Curved screens are pointless. Anything you watch on it is unwatchable from any angle other than straight on. Who would benefit from that? The asshole who takes the center seat on a couch (meaning, douche bags), is who.

      No one knowingly takes the center seat except morbidly fat people and douche bags. One group can't help it and the other consists of those voted "person most wanted dead in a drunken car wreck"

No one likes that person...not even their mother.

Companies, please stop trying to fix things that aren't broken. The same applies to smart phones.

Pictured: pointless curve

      Fancy as they are...curved phones serve no actual purpose. With the model pictures, the weird curve lights up with various news that you, a person who will be picking up the phone at least twelve times in a 10 minute period, will inevitably see. What's the fuckin' point? Ohhh...and that stylus, more on that later.

      Stop taking a perfectly good t.v./smart phone and making it harder to watch/use. It's like giving someone a cold glass of water on a summer day and trying to improve on it by throwing it against a tree and peeing on it.  

Internet In Cars

"Like" my twisted body wrapped around a tree or I won't get into heaven!

Okay, I get it. It's convenient to slap a tablet in your kid's hands, turn on Netflix and let technology liquefy/baby sit his brain, rather than stress yell your way into a fiery highway death. That's reasonable. If it's that big of a deal, get a mobile wifi hot spot, get that tablet on "The Flix" and off you go.

Your car shouldn't be telling you about Facebook messages. If you need it for that, the internet shouldn't be in your car. You need help. Nothing in your car needs to communicate with the internet...ever, especially while the idiot (i.e. YOU) behind the wheel has the car in motion.

      Relax, I'm an idiot too. I've texted while driving and am lucky to tell the tale. Texting convenience coupled with being an awful driver should have sent me skidding to the pearly gates years ago. I can't fathom what would have happened if I was able to simultaneously unfriend someone while searching for a legitimate snuff film...while driving.

You would all be dead.

Why the fuck do we need that in our cars?

Hasn't car Facebooking (My new word for Facebook shit in cars is Facarbooking), caused enough car wreckage?  If not for the sake of moronic driver judgement, than for the people riding with them, leave this shit out of cars, please, car companies!

It's horrible ideas like this and assholes like that, that keep us from flying cars. Can you imagine if these walking disasters with licenses were flying? It would rain blood.

Two Things On Your Phone At The Same Time



Twice the nudity for three times the price.

As my priest used to say, sometimes too much of a good thing is just...a fat bi-sexual. I never knew what she meant by that, but, I feel it applies here.

Doing two things at once on your tablet/cell phone/whatever is like pissing out a car window while driving. Yeah, you're taking care of two things at once, but, did you really fucking need to?

I have yet to meet the person that could justify pissing out that window, nor can I find someone who actively uses this "2 in 1" feature on their phone.

Who the hell is this designed for? 99% of humans use their phones to escape reality, not do twice the work in it. Most people would use this once and that would be to try to comment on two different Vines about farting...at the same time. They'd giggle about it, while everyone shoots a "you're so fantastically retarded, we're all amazed you live un-aided" look their way. The feature would never be used again.

The same goes for that dumb slapping your phone on someone else's and sharing shit. Who does that more than once and doesn't find it absurdly inconvenient and laughably idiotic? If you don't tell the nurse who looks after to you to take your phone away, because you can't be trusted with it.

Car Trunks That Open Automatically

This is a horror movie murder waiting to happen.

How lazy have we gotten, world? I'll be the first to admit how incredibly lazy I can be. I once chose to forgo a week of eating because the store was "way the fuck over there". So, I'm no stranger to laziness, but, come on, people. If you can't figure out how to get a cart, basket or THE GROUND to temporarily hold your "whatever in the shit you have to put in the trunk", you're too stupid to drive a car.

I've seen paralyzed people on muscle relaxers negotiate a closed trunk and never once was the phrase "Fuck! Of all the horse shit! If only they could make THIS small inane task easier, my life would be cake. FUCKING CAKE! Scientists and engineers, put aside solving actual, relevant problems and throw all your brain power at making the trunk easier to get into. Cancer and solving my irreparable nerve damage can wait." uttered. Not once.

I think we should be doing better things with our time, than waving our feet at bumpers for exactly the same amount of time it would have taken to open the trunk the old way.

Stupid Fucking Styluses

Ladies and gentlemen, we know you lose pens...

so, how about an even more useless pen, 

in any color of the rainbow?

      A while back, I read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. Other than being a lovely story about how big of an asshole Steve Jobs was, it also included a lot of anecdotes about Stevie's obsession with streamlining processes. Trimming the fat if you will. One of his small sticking points was styluses. He didn't like them. Actually...hell, why not let him tell you...

(Translation: styluses suck balls.)

      He's right! And if you have a phone or tablet that requires a stylus, rejoice! You've bought a horrible product. Write a letter to that company and tell them you want something better. Demand better and we might get it. Vote with your dollars people and make this horrible shit go away. Dammit.

The Learning Channel Humps The South with Mind Reading Trailer Park Denizens.

      Television has taught me a lot over the years. Everything from what makes for the best date rape drug, how punching is always a valid way to resolving conflict or how to bully overly mouthy puppets has come from my undying devotion to mother television.

      It's been beneficial in some ways. It's soothing glow bestowing wisdom and unmitigated truth like some...wise, box shaped Yoda. All the knowledge isn't sound or even logical, I'll give you that. There's only so much you can glean from Mystery Science Theater 3000 or The History Channel before you realize that Nazi's are the scariest comedic gold in the universe and that literally anything is better in a bikini.

Search "Hitler bikini" and you get this. 

Thank you Google Images. 

You win again.

      Now, times have changed and it seems the relationship humanity has with the boob tube has soured. We, as a people, have wronged T.V. in some way and it's exacting it's revenge. How? By stealing our collective brain power and turning us into tubby piles of shit. Need proof? 

Honey fucking Boo Boo.

Fuckin' fuck fuck.

      I recall, way back in the post apocalyptic television landscape, left dead by Cheers, that the channel "T.L.C." actually stood for something. I mean...literally. It's a goddamn acronym for "The Learning Channel". 

      Remember that? When the channel put "learning" in it's name? They used to attempt to teach people useful information. Now? We get Southerners. Stupid fucking Southerners.

      I understand where it all went wrong. The blame lies solely with NASCAR. It gained the viewership of more than just drunken hillbillies and shit spiraled out of control. Why that happened, I'm not sure. I doubt God even knows. People latched onto that and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour horse shit. 

      Jeff Foxworthy being the main culprit and benefactor of that mess. All of his dip shit "Red Neck" dick pulling transformed the term "red neck", what was once considered a slight, into something ignorant white trash ass holes could be proud of. "Red neck" became a badge of honor among those it was directly making fun of. Actually, kind of like the word "nigger", but, for white people...and it's more or less accurate.

Yes. Holy shit in a hat, this guy is real. 

      This is the catalyst. What I don't see is how we've been duped for so long! Other than idiot circle racing and a mustachioed, ginger bumpkin, when did Southern white trash become America's sole source of entertainment? And why in the name of all that is fuckin' fuck is it on an "educational" channel?!

      The latest darling of "Southern dumb-ass" fascination is that overfed future trailer forclosure up there; Honey Boo Boo. That poor dumb bitch. What the hell happened to the world that being a completely talent-less idiot gets you famous? Not only that, but, the bad parents of said idiot too! Apparently, if you overfeed your child and rear them on caffeine soaked pork rinds, parade them in kiddie pageants and instill an apparent disdain for education, you get your own show. HOLY SHIT.

      I watched exactly 5 minutes, of one episode, and wanted to murder everyone who appeared on camera; not with weapons, but, with soul shattering insults and insight. The kind that house so much truth God would weep at their brute power and literal implications. Then, after the Honey Boo Boo cast had pinched out their tears and blew their brains out, God would place his hand on my shoulder...pat it and say, "That was fucking awesome, want a Michelob?" 

Welcome To Myrtle Manor, Mother Fucker!

Just...shit.

      Once, I saw a man juggling chainsaws and he was pretty good. He even did a flip while tossing them around. This isn't what fascinated me however. It was the fact that he was naked. I, being me, of course, imagined a gruesome end to his chainsaw routine. I envisioned one landing too soon, while he was mid-flip, then, out of sheer terror/surprise, he shit himself, slinging it into the air...only to right himself and catch it on his face. 

This is what I also imagined the world did when "Welcome To Myrtle Manor" got "green lit".

Stupid fucking red necks strike again, only this time, it's in the form of a trailer park. A trailer park populated by burn-outs, poor white people and ignorance...oh, and whores. 

      Normally, I'd call this "Louisiana", but, geography shows otherwise. Myrtle Manor is located in the great, uneventful state of South Carolina, whose main export is racism and white people. Don't think so? Watch "Welcome to Myrtle Manor" for 3 minutes (which would be exactly one minute longer than I watched) and then shut the fuck up forever.

It was upon seeing this image 

that all the hope I had in humanity

 died.

      Trailer people and what they do between bouts of smoking weed is not our business and is not entertainment. It's their business...their sad, pathetic business. It's a symptom of our sad slip into the abyss of complete and utter stupidity that we would think otherwise. 

      From here on out, we should look at shows like this in much the same way we view the sun...which is indirectly, only when studying it and when teaching kids that if they stare at it, they will go blind, their palms will grow hair and their brains will dissolve, like a snail in a salt factory. A shit filled salt factory.

The Long Island Medium...bitch.

Shut your face, cunt! 

Sorry, I'm just emotional...

and want to punch her...

a lot.

      Ooohhhh, holy shit do I have a bone to pick with this bitch and MORE holy shit, with TLC. Firstly, this shit isn't educational. Unless TLC is in the market to teach the fine art of conning grief stricken people. Which, as a corporation, I sincerely hope it is...because, awesome. 

      If that is TLC's intention, it could do a lot better than this half witted sack of shit. The blonde bringer of assholery I'm referring to is none other than Theresa Caputo: grief vampire. Her show, "Long Island Medium" (which I will not link to), is roughly the equivalent of watching 30 full minutes of outright fraud being perpetrated by a white trash Long Island family on strangers who have deceased loved ones. Oh. Shit. Wait. The show is exactly that.

Ehhhhhh...I'm annoying too. 

      For those who don't live comfortably in reality--mediums aren't real. They can't speak to the dead, they can't communicate with the hear after, they just god damned can't. Why? Because the people they're trying to talk to are dead. Dead people don't talk. Ask them. Find a body and literally speak into it's clammy dead face a question. You'll get no response.

They're silent. 

      It'll be so silent you'll almost feel like they're mocking you with it. If that "stop mocking me, you fucking corpse!" feeling should give way to punchy rage, hit them. Go ahead, because they can't feel anything either...BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD! If speaking to the dead were true, why aren't there more "mediums" frequenting funeral homes, wakes and services at cemeteries? Because they're frauds and everyone knows it...or should know it.

"I'm tellin' ya...I heard the bitch! She says she want's some waffles."

      Yeah, I know, I know...

      --you have that one friend that sees dead people. They talked to your recently deceased uncle that one time and--blah, blah, they're fucking lying to you. I'm sorry to tell you that, but, they are. However, if your friend/cousin/mother/aunt/guidance counselor/A.A. sponsor, truly believes they can tune in ghost talk, like a human dead talk radio receiver--they need help. Serious help. 

Get them help and call them a liar while doing it. 

      Regardless of your whacked out psychic friends, there's a special kind of hell for people like Theresa and her family. I say her family because it's painfully obvious that they're in on it to. If they don't know their mother is full of shit, they were born retarded on a level that would require a live in nurse. No nurse, no retardation, so, they know. 

Why are they going to hell? 

      Where else would someone, who invokes the memory of someone's dead loved one...for profit, go? Palms Springs? Uganda? Detroit? How about fucking Hell. If of course it exists at all. If it doesn't we should mock one up and place her bleach blonded vagina face--dead center of the mother fucker. Set the whole sha-bang on fire and head on out for drinks. You don't want to be around that amount of screaming. It's sad, sickening and you might want to stop it...just like I feel about her fucking show.

Let Penn & Teller tell you all about it.

      People, who have lost someone they love to tragedy, aging, accident and a slew of other horrific reasons, don't need the false hope delivered by a money junkie housewife using it to pump them for cash, claiming she can communicate with the dead. They need actual living people to talk to. They need friends and family to comfort them, not the empty rhetoric of someone who demands money for a fictitious service based on lies. It forever corrupts the memory of that loved one and replaces it with Theresa Capruto and scavengers like her. No one needs that or should ever have that happen to them. 

      This cunt getting her own show, conning people in front of a national audience, simply lends an air of legitimacy to the scam played out by "mediums" and psychics. A scam that bilks thousands of innocent people every year. What the fuck is TLC thinking? It's like making a reality show of a Nigerian internet cafe where scams are committed, calling it "The Internet Riches Call Center" and rolling film on that shit. 

We legit!

Fucking assholes.

Elton Says Things: 2012...Fuck You.

      As I tweak the nipple of yet another new year, I have chosen to use this post as a reflection on all that I have accomplished the previous year. I do this, not only a personal record, but, as a way of showing how much I suck and what a complete failure I am. May my short comings be inspirational fodder for those who make yearly resolutions...and fucking fail at them. You're not alone, in fact, as you will see...you have nothing to feel bad about. Apparently, God hates us all.

The Unemployment Dance

Word.

      I started this year on a high...and low. Unemployed! For a lot of Americans, that means, I was either suckin' on the sweet tit of public funded charity (i.e. state sponsored alcoholism) or using unemployment compensation as a way to buffer against falling on hard times (brought on by irresponsible corporate monsters). I'm happy to report, it's BOTH, with a side order of PORN FOR DAYS!

      I was earning a fat unemployment check and doing "nothing" for it. If "nothing" can be defined as callus inducing masturbation. I, for a while, was living the American dream...until a feeling of worthlessness consumed me. Usually, its takes me at least six months for that to happen, but, with the deluge of newly discovered "free time", it was much sooner. 

      To compensate and not tear my dick off, I ate my free time...literally. I ballooned up. [Oh, side note: weight lifters looking for a great way to bulk up? Get shit canned and depression eat your way to muscular greatness. If that is how you do it. What the hell else is weight gainer powder for? Do sweaty balls need powdered protein? Hm...what?]

Fingering A Keyboard

Yeah. You like that, you sexy bitch?

      So, as any bored unemployment suckler would do...I tried to make an animated cartoon. Ambitious, I know...especially since I've never, ever done it. Ever. Still, like a succulent bourbon, will grant an idiot, drunken confidence to show his penis to a super model, so, unemployment compensation will empowerment an idiot into a career choice beyond his skill set. Doctor Elton, anyone? 

      Alas, as I lurched toward conquering the field of animation, I found my writing skills had atrophied a little, since, I hadn't a written a fucking thing in years. So, like any clear minded man-child, I started a blog! 

      It's a bit cliche, given the unpopularity of Perez Hilton and his ilk (and that fucking Huffington Post) I figured, I couldn't go wrong. Regardless, I threw down my gauntlet and gave it a whirl. A few hundred insults later...here I sit, barely an inch from where I started. It's better than nothing I suppose. I could be wallowing in a tub of my own filth, sobbing uncontrollably and forcing myself to watch Dawson's Creek re-runs...because I'm too stupid to deserve better. I mean, I could do that...but, what would gift myself on my birthday?

Oh, The Better Stuff

I have no idea what the hell this is, but, it 

came up on a search for "better stuff". 

      Blogging my ass out...apparently, I wanted to diversify my "portfolio" a bit. I have no idea what that means. Really, I figured, maybe I could write for other people. Why not? I had tons of time to kill the shit out of. 

      So, with the help of Funny or Die, Comedy Rants and Sinquiry (all of which are hellaciously funny on their own and in no need of my constant dick banter) I am trying to expand my foray into writing laughable shit on the internet. It's not an easy task, mind you. I can only say poop, piss and fart chugger so many times before it gets old. Right not, I'm close to maxing out my quota. Might have to pay a fine with my ass. Blech. 

2013...shit.

Exactly.

      As it would happen, this year has started out...exactly the same: jobless, depressed and wanting to drink heavily.I feel I'm somewhat further ahead, however. I have this...fucking blog thing up and running. Plus, I have a lot more opportunities to spread my diseased mind across the internet. Not all bad, I suppose. I hope you'll stick around for my asshole antics and ranting. Maybe I'll become "professional"? Yeah, right...when dicks fly.

So, You've Survived The Mayan Apocalypse

Hello Apocalypse survivors!

If you're reading this, then, the communications lines, servers and infrastructure to support them have survived the fiery Mayan hell fire. Good for you! Not only do you have access to this blog, but, enough porno to last until the next Mayan related death orgy. Kudos to you! I'd tell you to do a happy dance and spike a football, but, you'd probably have to do it on the piles of corpses now strewn across the burnt and charred landscape. That might make you kind of sad and I wouldn't want to do that. So, shut the door on your newly acquired mansion, crack open a tin of Spam and let's get to it!

How To Rebuild Civilization After The Mayan Apocalypse

Your new home!

      First and foremost, congratulations! Having survived the end of the world is a pretty big deal. I can only imagine how many ravenous hordes of rapey insane mad men you've had to scurry from and all those surplus thieving suburbanites you've slaughtered just to be in your position. I commend you. You are the stuff of blood soaked legend. 

      Unfortunately, the toughest work is still ahead. After all the Cheetos are gone and the XBox controllers are worn to nubs, the sordid task of rebuilding the world will have to be attended to.

Why Rebuild Civilization?

Because rebuilding is fun...town pier?

      Yeah, I know. Doing shit is a bitch, especially after you've sat on your ass watching every episode of "Good Times". Plus, ALL that masturbating! Who would want to lift and DO stuff after that? Well, there comes a time after every apocalypse when things must be rebuilt. It's mostly out of necessity...and partly out of boredom. Basically, you'll be running out of shit soon and by shit I mean: water, electricity, food, etc. So, you'll have to get crackin' on that right away. 

How To Start

Apparently, the thirties were a bad time to wear shirts.

      First and foremost, you're going to need help. Farms, libraries and cock fighting rings don't build themselves. Plus, you'll need the brain power of a few more survivors, to compensate for the years spent pursing fake video game championships instead of learning to build...farms, libraries and cock fighting rings.

      You might run into some opposition however. Maybe someone else wants to rebuild too, only their's will be run by someone who's not as cool as you...like...THEM. You can't have that shit. How do you win the favor of the sweaty, unwashed labor pool? With promises! It's worked for thousands of years, it should work just fine now. Just toss out a few promissory words about free internet, Jesus wanting them to work exclusively for you and how the other guy regularly eats children when provoked and you're set.  

Knowledge Is Power!

So...the cat is never actually IN the hat...hm.

      Given that reading is a somewhat taboo act today, relegated to nerds wanting to learn things that aren't already on the Discovery Channel. You'll have to take your crew of devoted drones to a library...if it hasn't been burned by contemptuous illiterates already. There, you'll find everything you need to know about re-building the world in your own image. Everything from "How to Farm" to "Engineering 101" can be found there, so, your new world will start out with a fairly good footing. Just stay away from any magazine racks with copies of Cosmo. A man can squander whole months despearately trying to determine, via Cosmo quizzes, if he's an adequate lover or a cold blooded heathen. It's best to stick to survival...as unwanted truth...can be crippling.

Knock It All Together 

This one is for going to and from nowhere.

      Knowledge gleaned, the time has finally come to rebuild the world and make it a better, more friendly place that the Mayans would have no interest in destroying...mostly because they're all fucking dead. Your world should be humming like a top in no time. Really, that's all that had to be done anyway. Oh sure...there's the security, re-population efforts and warring with other groups to contend with, but, that shit will handle itself. Besides, all of your willing slaves are fully devoted to your civilization prospering. Now you can finally take time to smell the roses. Roses, of course, meaning...countless hours of t.v. shows on DVD and masturbating, but, hey, at least you won't starve to death now. 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent Again...

      Normally, I'm not one to spew on and on about the same thing. I try and relegate ridiculous sputtering to one lengthy, impossibly stupid post and not many. These, however, are just too good to pass up. Who knew that Nigerian scammers would be such ridiculous fun? It wasn't in the brochure. So, if you will just indulge me for a bit, I promise, I'll stop soon.

Check out the previous post for the beginning of this mess...or start at the beginning, beginning. Either way...here's the rest.

      $3000.00 isn't a problem. I have that in a sock on my door knob. The problem might be Western Union. You see, the last time I used them, we had a disagreement. They had a problem recognizing my American god given right to bear arms as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment to our great and holy U.S. Constitution.

      Apparently, carrying a AR15 rifle slung over your shoulder "scares customers" (whatever in the commie shit that means). So, I'm not allowed back on their premises, DESPITE my legal challenges. Is there another way I can wire you the money?

Oh, shit, I wanted to ask you...does this count as a bribe?

       I had a conversation with a lawyer and he said...uh...I'm not sure. Even after that conversation, I'm still kinda lost, he was English and confusing. Would you rather have sex? I mean, I'm a straight guy. I'd rather not do the sex, but, if it's what it takes to get this thing done. You know...I might consider...maybe. I--I don't know. Just let me know if it's some sexual shit you want or just...whatever. Let me know.

Attn E

Dear Sir 

Go over to Money Gram and sned dow the fee immediately. 

Let me have the money gram reference number as I am in the office rigght now waiting.

Agent Clive Wood 

Alright, I have the $3000.00 here at the Moneygram place. Everything's golden. They said that...being this is an official bribe of for U.S. federal agent...you would need to fill out these forms. They said it's a standard form that's required in order to make an "official federal bribe". 

They also said that you would understand and comply. So, print these out, fill in the information, scan them back in or whatever you have to do, so I can get this $3000.00 to you. I'm here in the office, right now, using their computer. A young woman with big boobs, mean eyes and little patience is giving me shit. They'll be closing soon, so, make it snappy, Agent Clive Owen Woody. 

P.S. I'm glad you didn't want the sex.

The forms I'm referring to can be found here. They are fake and they are brilliant. I pissed myself reading them. It was messy.

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I do not understand all these process because al you need to do at money gram is will out their form and include the coordinates of how to snd the money and them hand over the money to the Money gram official and he will give you an 8 digit number which is the reference number and you will send the number to me.

Fill out the form urgently and send the fee.

Agent Clive Wood 

I was told that the forms were to be filled out and returned by the government official receiving the official bribe. They said that the forms are fairly straight forward and could be filled out and returned to proceed with the issuance of the "Governmental Bribe Money Gram" (whatever that means). 

The people at Money Gram said that these forms were standard requirement in order to make the transfer. It was understood that you, being a federal agent, would be familiar with these forms and procedures. Aren't you a government agent? I'm confused.

Dear Sir  

We have received money times without number from western union and money gram and there is nothing like such form so I do not know where you got them from.

Go over to another money gram outlet and just fill out the senders form and hand them  the money and nothing again than the reference number which you will sned to me.

I have no time or such form.

Agent Clive Wood

Something seems strange about all this, Agent Woody Clive. These were given to me by Money Gram for you to fill out. If I go to another outlet, I'm sure they'll give me the same forms. An FBI agent should be familiar with these, sir. Hey, maybe you're just cramped for time. I get that. 

So, fill them out, send them back and lets get this done already. I've got $3000.00 ready to go! I just need these forms so I can send this. My money is ready to go! (photo of money ready to go attached)

(photo I attached and also the closest this blog has come to making money)

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I have never seen such because I do sned money by MG too and what I do is just pick the senders form and fill out the information and hand over to the agent and theyw will compute the info to their system and give me the reference number.

Give me time to study the form and I will get back to you.

Agent Clive Wood

Oh, the power of money to change a tune.

Okay, sir. You had me worried that you weren't a true FBI agent for a minute. I was panicked! Phew, I'm glad you're the real deal. I've got the cash ready to go! I need those trunks for my underground lair/roller derby rink/fish taco stand. My militia will be so happy. I'll be waiting Agent Woody Owen Clive. 

Attn E

Now I understand with the kind of emails i read from you that you have syche problem. You must be sick to send me such a rubbish form and ask me to fill. Fill it your self and submit.

I am taking a final decision on your boxes by Monday.

Good bye

 Agent Clive Wood

I have what problems? Something's fishy with you, Clive Woody. So, are you saying you're not a real agent, sir? Are you trying to duck out of 

filling out official forms because  you are not in fact a government agent, Agent Clive Woody? I. Am. Shocked. I'm just trying to get these trunks released and because you have some hang up about filling out some forms, I can't have them. 

The only one holding up this stuff is you Agent Woody Clive Owen...if that is your real name! I was weirded about sending so much cash via Money Gram anyway. If you don't want the bribe, then, so be it. I just wanted to do the patriotic thing with all of this.

 I'm an American, sir, and if you can't respect a standardized form, then, YOU must be some kinda...anti-American federal agent. Just fill out the forms, so I can send you the money already, Otu nne gi!

Those last three words are Nigerian curse words. It means...roughly, "Your Mother's Cunt".

PLEASE CHEEK OUT THE MEANING OF Otu nne gi! AND TELL ME THE MEANING BECAUSE I HAVDE THE MEANING AND NEVER YOU CONTACT ME ANY MORE AS THOSE 

TRUNKS ARE GOING TO BE CONFISCATED.

Sorry, that was inserted on the suggestion of one of my militia colleagues. He said it was a code phrase that you...being a "federal agent" would understand. What does it mean, exactly? I'm not sure. 

What can I do to remedy this situation, Agent Clive Woody? I still have a WAD of cash here. Get those forms back to me, I'll send you the money...with a little extra *wink, wink* and everything will be golden, onye nzuzu.

Those last words are calling him an idiot in Nigerian. As insulting as those words are...I can see why the misspell so many things. Their words look like they were formed by throwing a keyboard down stairs.

Otu nne gi!

 Anu Nna gi

onye nzuzu

Anu Ofia

Nne gi ga Nwu shortly.

Nna Gi Ga Nwu soon

Umu nee gi ga Nwu oge na etegi aka.

I will attend your mother's burial soon.

BASTARD

Wow. You're being especially harsh, sir. That isn't even American, Agent Cock Woody. It appears that you have phonetically spelled out the sounds of you choking on a man's penis. Is this what has happened? Is the F.B.I. currently engaged in an all male orgy? An orgy...which according to you, will involve my mother's burial? Besides, sir, it waiting for my mother's burial might take a while. She's not exceptionally old. 

May I make a suggestion? Perhaps, the orgy might ask your mother, as she is often involved in many orgies, both straight and homosexual, for very little money. In fact, I heard she would do it for free...as you are her child and retarded any way. Who would say no to a retarded person? Especially...a retarded federal agent. 

Oh, and I was told to say..."yo, fadder, punk bitch". Does that mean your "fadder" is an all male orgy fella too? You dey craze! It can be a family affair! YAY! Mumu.

That last slug of nonsense with "fadder" and want not, are apparently are what pass for insults in Nigeria. I think they might be better at scams than hurting each other's feelings.