Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent Again...

      Normally, I'm not one to spew on and on about the same thing. I try and relegate ridiculous sputtering to one lengthy, impossibly stupid post and not many. These, however, are just too good to pass up. Who knew that Nigerian scammers would be such ridiculous fun? It wasn't in the brochure. So, if you will just indulge me for a bit, I promise, I'll stop soon.

Check out the previous post for the beginning of this mess...or start at the beginning, beginning. Either way...here's the rest.

      $3000.00 isn't a problem. I have that in a sock on my door knob. The problem might be Western Union. You see, the last time I used them, we had a disagreement. They had a problem recognizing my American god given right to bear arms as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment to our great and holy U.S. Constitution.

      Apparently, carrying a AR15 rifle slung over your shoulder "scares customers" (whatever in the commie shit that means). So, I'm not allowed back on their premises, DESPITE my legal challenges. Is there another way I can wire you the money?

Oh, shit, I wanted to ask you...does this count as a bribe?

       I had a conversation with a lawyer and he said...uh...I'm not sure. Even after that conversation, I'm still kinda lost, he was English and confusing. Would you rather have sex? I mean, I'm a straight guy. I'd rather not do the sex, but, if it's what it takes to get this thing done. You know...I might consider...maybe. I--I don't know. Just let me know if it's some sexual shit you want or just...whatever. Let me know.

Attn E

Dear Sir 

Go over to Money Gram and sned dow the fee immediately. 

Let me have the money gram reference number as I am in the office rigght now waiting.

Agent Clive Wood 

Alright, I have the $3000.00 here at the Moneygram place. Everything's golden. They said that...being this is an official bribe of for U.S. federal agent...you would need to fill out these forms. They said it's a standard form that's required in order to make an "official federal bribe". 

They also said that you would understand and comply. So, print these out, fill in the information, scan them back in or whatever you have to do, so I can get this $3000.00 to you. I'm here in the office, right now, using their computer. A young woman with big boobs, mean eyes and little patience is giving me shit. They'll be closing soon, so, make it snappy, Agent Clive Owen Woody. 

P.S. I'm glad you didn't want the sex.

The forms I'm referring to can be found here. They are fake and they are brilliant. I pissed myself reading them. It was messy.

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I do not understand all these process because al you need to do at money gram is will out their form and include the coordinates of how to snd the money and them hand over the money to the Money gram official and he will give you an 8 digit number which is the reference number and you will send the number to me.

Fill out the form urgently and send the fee.

Agent Clive Wood 

I was told that the forms were to be filled out and returned by the government official receiving the official bribe. They said that the forms are fairly straight forward and could be filled out and returned to proceed with the issuance of the "Governmental Bribe Money Gram" (whatever that means). 

The people at Money Gram said that these forms were standard requirement in order to make the transfer. It was understood that you, being a federal agent, would be familiar with these forms and procedures. Aren't you a government agent? I'm confused.

Dear Sir  

We have received money times without number from western union and money gram and there is nothing like such form so I do not know where you got them from.

Go over to another money gram outlet and just fill out the senders form and hand them  the money and nothing again than the reference number which you will sned to me.

I have no time or such form.

Agent Clive Wood

Something seems strange about all this, Agent Woody Clive. These were given to me by Money Gram for you to fill out. If I go to another outlet, I'm sure they'll give me the same forms. An FBI agent should be familiar with these, sir. Hey, maybe you're just cramped for time. I get that. 

So, fill them out, send them back and lets get this done already. I've got $3000.00 ready to go! I just need these forms so I can send this. My money is ready to go! (photo of money ready to go attached)

(photo I attached and also the closest this blog has come to making money)

Attn E

Dear Sir  

I have never seen such because I do sned money by MG too and what I do is just pick the senders form and fill out the information and hand over to the agent and theyw will compute the info to their system and give me the reference number.

Give me time to study the form and I will get back to you.

Agent Clive Wood

Oh, the power of money to change a tune.

Okay, sir. You had me worried that you weren't a true FBI agent for a minute. I was panicked! Phew, I'm glad you're the real deal. I've got the cash ready to go! I need those trunks for my underground lair/roller derby rink/fish taco stand. My militia will be so happy. I'll be waiting Agent Woody Owen Clive. 

Attn E

Now I understand with the kind of emails i read from you that you have syche problem. You must be sick to send me such a rubbish form and ask me to fill. Fill it your self and submit.

I am taking a final decision on your boxes by Monday.

Good bye

 Agent Clive Wood

I have what problems? Something's fishy with you, Clive Woody. So, are you saying you're not a real agent, sir? Are you trying to duck out of 

filling out official forms because  you are not in fact a government agent, Agent Clive Woody? I. Am. Shocked. I'm just trying to get these trunks released and because you have some hang up about filling out some forms, I can't have them. 

The only one holding up this stuff is you Agent Woody Clive Owen...if that is your real name! I was weirded about sending so much cash via Money Gram anyway. If you don't want the bribe, then, so be it. I just wanted to do the patriotic thing with all of this.

 I'm an American, sir, and if you can't respect a standardized form, then, YOU must be some kinda...anti-American federal agent. Just fill out the forms, so I can send you the money already, Otu nne gi!

Those last three words are Nigerian curse words. It means...roughly, "Your Mother's Cunt".

PLEASE CHEEK OUT THE MEANING OF Otu nne gi! AND TELL ME THE MEANING BECAUSE I HAVDE THE MEANING AND NEVER YOU CONTACT ME ANY MORE AS THOSE 

TRUNKS ARE GOING TO BE CONFISCATED.

Sorry, that was inserted on the suggestion of one of my militia colleagues. He said it was a code phrase that you...being a "federal agent" would understand. What does it mean, exactly? I'm not sure. 

What can I do to remedy this situation, Agent Clive Woody? I still have a WAD of cash here. Get those forms back to me, I'll send you the money...with a little extra *wink, wink* and everything will be golden, onye nzuzu.

Those last words are calling him an idiot in Nigerian. As insulting as those words are...I can see why the misspell so many things. Their words look like they were formed by throwing a keyboard down stairs.

Otu nne gi!

 Anu Nna gi

onye nzuzu

Anu Ofia

Nne gi ga Nwu shortly.

Nna Gi Ga Nwu soon

Umu nee gi ga Nwu oge na etegi aka.

I will attend your mother's burial soon.

BASTARD

Wow. You're being especially harsh, sir. That isn't even American, Agent Cock Woody. It appears that you have phonetically spelled out the sounds of you choking on a man's penis. Is this what has happened? Is the F.B.I. currently engaged in an all male orgy? An orgy...which according to you, will involve my mother's burial? Besides, sir, it waiting for my mother's burial might take a while. She's not exceptionally old. 

May I make a suggestion? Perhaps, the orgy might ask your mother, as she is often involved in many orgies, both straight and homosexual, for very little money. In fact, I heard she would do it for free...as you are her child and retarded any way. Who would say no to a retarded person? Especially...a retarded federal agent. 

Oh, and I was told to say..."yo, fadder, punk bitch". Does that mean your "fadder" is an all male orgy fella too? You dey craze! It can be a family affair! YAY! Mumu.

That last slug of nonsense with "fadder" and want not, are apparently are what pass for insults in Nigeria. I think they might be better at scams than hurting each other's feelings. 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The F.B.I. Agent.

The beginning of this mess is WAY back here. Catch up already!    

      Impersonating a federal agent is a tricky affair and oddly enough, never has the pay off you're looking for. You never fool anyone doing it. There's an added bonus of, unless it's Halloween, ending up in prison for as well. Federal prison, of course, housing the "alphas" of today's prison system, it's the headquarters for today's best and brightest prison rapists. So, it's not a very nice, nor sexy place to end up. Especially after some poorly thought out cos play.

I will be entering the facility at roughly 2 pm and, I assume,

 the facility will be entering me roughly soon after--over.

      Despite the possible rape-age, many morons still whip out the "I'm an FBI...person." occasionally. The Nigerian scam-tard saying he's a Fed is one of those times and is just as stupid as you think it is. No. Check that--it's more stupid. It's so ridiculous, it has lead me to believe there's an epidemic of gas huffing computer nerds in Nigeria.

Not a federal agent, he only plays one in a Nigerian internet cafe.

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

ATTENTION: E

OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM FBI

My Name is Agent  Wood from justice department , Federal Bureau Of Investigation , Washington DC. It has been discovered that a vault containing  a photo chronic material,diamonds and gold covered with clothes registered in your name as the final beneficiary through special diplomatic 

courier has been stopped in JFK airport NY for further clarification.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (F.B.I.) waded in after being alerted by the the intelligent unit in England. It was further revealed that initial delivery originated from Iraq to England, final destination USA through Red cross Special Diplomatic Jet.These delivery did not follow due process in line with the international courier rules and regulation.

We have been notified by Serious Organized Crime Agency (S.O.C.A ) England that a clearance pass was not issued from the proper authorities in London, England and the diplomat handling this vault further transferred the vault to another red cross Jet headed USA with an obnoxious intent.

This has raised their suspicion ,anyways a report has stated that the vault has been scanned and passed screening, has nothing illegal and is not associated to terrorism. As stated above, the vault has your particulars on it, and you must have the clearance pass obtained from England through the diplomat handling 

the consignment,as it is the submission of the Intelligent unit (S.O.C.A) instructing FBI to have the Vault Stopped from further delivery until the Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer Pass Certificate is issued from England. We have a warrant from international intelligence  to have you the beneficiary and the courier company secure the Diplomatic Immunity Seal of Transfer from the the Airport Authority In London, England where the pass warrant was avoided before we further release the vault and have you 

and your courier diplomat cleared of any illegality .

Therefore contact the diplomat handling the delivery of your parcel to clarify this situation.

Note that you guys have 3 working days to obtain this crucial Documentation.

Faithfully Yours

Agent Clive Wood for

Robert S. Mueller III

FBI Director

Federal Bureau Of Investigation.

FBI-Washington Field Office

601 4th Street, NW

Washington, DC 20535

CC. TO:

Supreme Court of the United States

Supreme Court of Canada 

U. S. District Courts

Canadian District Courts

Canada & U. S. Court of Federal Claims, 1982 -

Federal Courts Outside the Judiciary 

Serious Organized Crime Agency (SOCA ) England

Oh, man! I was on a business trip selling blow to a friend of mine. 20kg worth to be exact. That's not easy to do Agent Woody, sir. I'd like an extension of some sort. Is that possible? I'm an American and I demand an extension!

 I need some time to launder money I recently received and I'll shoot on over and get that trunks of goodies. My buddies and I, are going to use it to purchase a LOT of guns for the up coming Armageddon. It's going to be a real "humdinger". It's why I need those trunks...and why I'm selling all the blow. 

You can never be too prepared you know? Wait--you're from the uh...F.B.I.? Shit. Listen, when I said "blow", I meant...pops. It's a candy. Dammit--and by firearms I meant...sub machine guns that WON'T be concealed and aren't fully automatic. I didn't mean to confuse you. I've been drinking a lot of homemade whiskey and marijuana that I "found" in my basement under grow lights, lately. I apologize. Is it possible to get an extension? I'll contact the guy in England and sort this all out. You'll be doing me a HUGE favor by allowing me an extension. I might even be able to bribe you...which I may or may not do...depending on the legality. 

Who do I have to contact to get these trunks? 

Attn: E.

I am ready and willing to help you. 

We have just discovered that the 2 boxes has a total sum of $22 Million inside the trunks. Do you have the Drug free certificate, the money Laundry, Certificate and the Anti Terrorist Certificate issued to you by the Justice department on this money?

I am ready to assist you get the money down to your address if you co-operate with me.

Respond Urgently.

Agent Clive Wood

E.,

I need to receive your response to my last mail urgently or we will do the needful on your trunks.

Agent Clive Wood

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Treat this email with the utmost attention it deserves.

If we do not receive words from you in the next 5 working days from today, we will do the needful and get your boxes confiscated.

Agent Clive Wood

Having little patience, the dip shit just kept at it. Besides, I like to keep the F.B.I. waiting. It calms them and flaunts your self importance. They appreciate that.

Hello Agent What's His Face, 

I have been instructed to possibly bribe you...or not. I'm not sure. How much will it cost to get the trunks with all the awesome treasure to be released. Me and my cohorts are in desperate need of their content. We plan on arming a militia and building an underground lair for that militia, as well as constructing a roller rink and a fish taco stand. So, an expedient end to this transaction of trunk gold goodness would be outstanding. 

Would you like to meet in a dark alley? I have a trench coat, but, it's a...little...greasy. I'd like to tell you why, but, explaining oily nudity takes WAY too long. Tell me how much it's going to take to ease this process for all of us. Thank you.

Attn: E

Dear Sir

Your memo to my desk has been received and contents noted with thank.

You need to make available via western union the sum of $3000.00 urgently through the coordinates below to enable me process all the documents 

and release your 2 boxes to your address via FedEx.

REEIVER                       FRANK GREEN

DESTINAION                 NEW YORK

TEST QUESTION           IN GOD

ANSWER                      WE TRUST.

Let me have the MTCN number once you send down the fee.

Agent Clive Wood

      FINALLY! We get to the money. What the hell were they waiting for? The suspense was killing me. Though, it does answer the age old question of "How many Nigerians does it take to scam money via email?". The answer is 3. 

      So, we've gotten to the money! Next, the chilling end...or not. Not so chilly, just monstrously stupid. So, achingly stupid, you'll wish that punishment for Nigerian scamming involved a time machine and legalized abortion.

[Next: Bribing The F.B.I., JFK and a Terrorist Act] 

Elton Versus The Scammers: The British Lawyer

Man, oh, man life has been treating me weird lately. I feel so behind in everything! Like a four balled man at a testicle kicking contest. Did you ever feel like you were asked to attend a costume party, then, decide to dress like a woman (because it's funny) and show up to find, that the party is actually a drag queen convention? Well, that's what I feel like. Just weird.

      Regardless, I'm back on track,maybe, and dispensing with ready made vigilante-esque justice for sinister, swarthy Nigerians. I'm here to dispel the villainy of Nigerian scamming...one tard at a time. This, however, involves at least 3 different guys...maybe. Who knows? Regardless, when I left off (you can read that here), I had finished with the soldier, mostly and have now moved on to the British lawyer.

The British Lawyer

This is an actual, real Nigerian lawyer, so, if you 

ever see him on the street, don't punch him 

and beat him with obscenely floppy dildos.

 Dear E

I have just read your email as per the instruction from Col Johnson David.

I need to have from you urgently your mailing address and your cell

telephone number to enable me submit same over to the delivery company

for the shipment of the trunks to your address.

Sir, William Scott,

I am a patriot of the highest order, sir. I love this country and it's

unflappable glory, like a straight woman loves penis. 

I am more than willing to help an american

soldier/hero/freedom savior when I can.

 This transaction that was proposed

to me seems more than legit. The one concern I have is your loyalty to the

Queen of England. I understand she's a fine woman and most likely a lover

of guns, but, still, she's not American.

Sir, I need to know that you are not a red coat loyalist and are doing

right by this U.S. soldier. Only then, will I send you the information you

require.

He didn't respond immediately, so, I took it upon myself to cattle prod him a little bit. Nigerian scam folk are crafty at question dodging. Wait...does crafty mean clumsily moronic? If it does...then, they are.

 

My name is E and I have recently been in contact with a young

 soldier who found some money in Afghanistan. He said to contact you so that

 I might help him get it. Now, I'm sure you do a decent job at lawyering and

 want not, Mr. Scott, but, I'd like it noted that you are not American. At

 least not in country. I have it on good authority that everyone in the U.K.

 is secretly tracked, via small sub-dermal chips in their skin, by the Queen

 of England. Therefore, 99% of British people shouldn't be trusted. The 1%

 that remains of course are the American friendlies sprinkled throughout

 that Godless country.

 So, with that being said Mr. Scott, I want to know...truthfully, if you

 love America and all of it's Red, White and Blue flag draped on bald eagles

 and hunting rifled glory or are you a dirty British sympathizer who tried

 to keep us under the thumb of a tyrannical king.

 I am serious, Mr. Scott. I await your reply.

Dear E

You will agree with me that this is taking longer than required.

I am a Briton and not  a red coat loyalist to any one. Now send to me

thr required information immediately and let me process the trunks

delivery to your address.

Willaism Scott

After getting a poor spelling Nigerian lawyer to explain that he's not a red coat. Obviously, you give him your address. It's the only logical progression in this correspondence. 

Thank you, sir. My heart swells with the sweet red, white and blue blood of American pride. Thank your lucky stars that you're not a microchipped enslaved drone of the Queen. I hear that's a special kind of hell filled with blood pudding, "fish and chips" and music of Graham Nash. Just saying that name gives me a shudder that I can't stop without freebasing antihistamine and ground up bald eagle feathers.

I apologize for this taking so long. I had to make sure you weren't a House of Windsor automaton, right? Wouldn't want the Queen to use this soldier's hard earned Afghan blood money to buy more shiny baubles and painted toe nails...and other royal like stuff. Besides, I was doing business in Detroit. There was a gun show/militia meeting. We ate nachos.

Here's my addy:  1127 Goldleaf Lane

                          Weehawken, NJ 07087 

Here's my cell, it's also my business/militia jamboree number too. If you're ever in town, Mr. Scott, feel free to call. Maybe we can go shoot some Un-American beer cans and maybe do a neighborhood watch/Tupperware party together. Though, your accent will surely scare the children. Some find it unsettling. It's nothing new to me, however. Can you believe they scream and run when I walk down the street? Like they've never seen a loaded AK-47...or and UZI...or an M-16, am I right? Here's the number: 201-669-8077

Dear E

Thank you for your mail and the mailing information.

I will be at the world wide delivery company this Thursday morning to

submit your mailing information and will revert to you as soon as I

return.

Have a wonderful day.

It would appear that the bastard scam...uh..bastards have almost...half won! They have my information and now need my money. They ALWAYS need money, can you believe that? So, I wait for them to pop the big question...when, suddenly...the FBI gets involved.

[NEXT: The F.B.I. Guy.]

      The address and phone number are not mine by the way. I got it from some generator I found online. I like to imagine that somewhere...in a dark Los Angeles alley, a drunken man, hopefully with an unintelligible accent is answering his phone and talking to perplexed Nigerians about a man named E. and his love of America...and disdain for Graham Nash. 

Elton Versus The Scammers: Col Johnson David

      So, lately, I have taken it upon myself to combat the forces of evil, brewing in Nigeria. Not all of Nigeria mind you, just the shitty thieving part. You know,...the...uh...south side of Nigeria? The rest is nice I'm sure. All rickety shanties and mud. It's likely filled with nice people, good food, oil and a lot of exiled warlords. It also has what I hear is a quite an unhealthy diamond trade, geared toward satisfying celebrity appetites for diamond studded bras and dog collars. Not sure if that's in the good or bad part. Man, I really should get up on my Nigeria research. This is embarrassing.

These tits brought to you by the Conflict Diamond Emporium/Deli...I imagine.

      My ignorance regarding Nigeria aside, there are criminals there wreaking havoc on poor unsuspecting internet denizens and desperate elderly housewives, especially those with money! So, I decided to email a couple, not only to explore the inner workings of the Nigerian crime world, but, to get to know a little about Nigeria too. Here is one of the more interesting discourses. 

I got the initial email in my eltonsaysthings@gmail.com mail box. It tells the semi-retarded tale of some Army Colonel ripping off trunks full of gold from some random Afghanistan...gold...hidey spot that they keep gold in. Real people do that, right? Anyway...here's the email. Oh, the pictures are facsimiles and aren't representative of the real person...except mine of course. I am seriously that ugly.

Sir/Madam.

My name is Col Johnson David; I am an American soldier, serving in the military with the army’s 4th Battalion, 64th Armored Regiment. I need your assistance,

I have summed up courage to contact you. As far as my situation here is concern reaching out via this medium is personally considered safest and the cheapest means of reaching out to you from the U.S.Military base here in the Middle East.

From all indications you are God sent, with the way and how lucky I was to get
your e-mail contact address from the U.S. military base library address journal through my online search just a few minutes ago.

I am seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$22MILLION) to you, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here in Afghanistan. This money was discovered in Iraq in 2003, and the above mentioned amount was given to me as my personal share by my battalion, which includes (Staff Sgt.Kenneth Buff & Sgt.Van Daniel Ess).

The amount (US$22MILLION) was part of money we got when we were in Iraq. Please visit any of the bellow website http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm  and

http://www.jonathanforeman.com/military/nyp_iraq/04192003_chest.html

With the speculated troop withdrawal by president Obama, I want to move this
money to you for safe keeping pending the completion of my assignment in Afghanistan.

But, my question is ‘CAN I TRUST YOU”?. You will be rewarded with 40% of this
fund for your help. Please respond to personal E-mail ID for further details.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Col Johnson David 

To which I respond in great haste in my best overly enthusiastic patriot accent...via text...on the internet. Think "midwestern redneck".) Oh, the lesson I learned from this email...

Nigerians Trust Anyone Who Is Easily Duped Out of Money.

Dear, Col Johnson David

      Sir, I am glad you contacted me about this ordeal that has befallen you. It warms my heart to know that someone such as yourself, would even consider me for this deeply personal and immensely important...thing. I would be honored to help out a soldier in need. I, being absolutely trustworthy, know how hard it is to find someone in this world of ill gotten gains and skulduggery to rely on to do the right thing. 

      I want you to know that...I am that person. I am that patriotic, soldier lovin' pile of American flag humping humanity that will do right by you. To prove how ready I am to do this...thing. I only ask for...30% of your blood money fund...thing. I'm a giver, sir, an AMERICAN!...not an untrustworthy skulduggerer bastard...or a liberal. Tell me what I need to do, so we can accomplish this mission, sir. I'll be awaiting your reply. 

a trustworthy patriot, 

E.

P.S. Thank you for your gallant service, sir. I would salute you, but, my hand isn't anywhere near my head.

Being in desperate need and the most broken English this side of brain damaged infancy, he takes the extended hand of a complete stranger...and licks it.

Dear E.

I really appreciate your help in receiving the money I have been able to secure  in Iraq. God in his mercy will surely bless and keep you and your Family.” God bless America and our real Armed Forces, only two ever gave everything they had, Jesus and the American Soldier".

 I must inform you that I am out of phone here in Afghan and only have access to Internet due to the fact that one of the Prison Warder who is a lady friend allows me use her Lap Top when she is on duty.

I have forwarded your information over to the attorney in UK to enable him process the delivery of the Trunks to your address. Forward to the attorney your mailing address and your cell telephone number urgently. His email address wiiliamsscott007@gmail.com his name is Williams Scott.He will contact you shortly.

Please do every thing possible and see that these Trunks get to you right there. The attorney dose not know that what is contained in the Trunks is money because I told him that the Trunks contain heirlooms (Family Treasure) when he asked me.Please take good note of this.

  

 Let me know as soon as you contact the Attorney as I am waiting to hear from you shortly.

Playing the ever faithful country man, I am appalled that this American soldier would have the audacity to undermine our broken, corrupt legal system and outsource his dilemma to an English lawyer, this being a Nigerian, however, I completely understand. The dirty, dirty bastard. Lesson learned?

Nigerians Believe Jesus Is American and that America only has one soldier...and he's not Jesus.

 Dear, Col. Johnson David, 

       I am more than willing to help you in our quest to yank Afghanistan blood money from the jaws of Obama's evil tax death machine. Being a patriot, I love helping soldiers in any endeavor that might make their lives easier, up to and including vandalizing religious artifacts not ordained by the American savior as holy, like, The Vatican, Southern Baptist picnics and Harry Potter fan clubs.

     The only problem I see with getting this done is the Brit lawyer you hired. You do understand that we fought against the King's demon army in our great Revolutionary War, don't you? Are you sure you want to work with someone born and raised under the thumb of a monarchy? Can this lawyer be trusted? 

      I'd hate for this money, you tore from the hands of what may or may not have been people who know what terrorism is, to fall into a tyrannical monarchy's hands. Let me know if you still want me to contact this Englishman lawyer or if you want to go with a lawyer whose colors don't run. That meaning an American lawyer. 

Dismissing my calling out his un-American lawyer as an "asshole" endeavor. He proceeds. Though, I won't let him go  that easy! Oh, and he misspells his own fucking name...HIS OWN FUCKING NAME, PEOPLE!

Dear E.

Thank you for your mail and all the related information you passed to me.
Yes, go ahead and contact the attorney in UK because he was the one who deposited the boxes with the delivery company in UK.
Foward to me also your mailing address and your cell telephone number urgently.
I am waiting.
Col Johnson Dvaid

So, I send some fake info to his "lawyer". (more on that later). I still I need to sell my protest against the use of a non-American lawyer. Oh...I almost forgot. Lesson learned?

Nigerians know dick...about nothing. (e.g. sentence structure, spelling, how the military/legal system/Jesus works)

Dear, Col. Johnson David

      I'm still kind of wary about dealing with a Brit. They do answer to a queen and all of her rich, bling baubled whims, no matter how illogical or unpatriotic. Regardless, if you want to use an "Englishman", I'll oblige, but, only out of respect for your service. Besides, it's the only Christian thing to do, am I right? We have to stick together, against the ravenous communists and their ungodly hordes. 

      You are a god fearing American, am I right, Johnson? You seem like the type. I hope you're not some "contentiousness objector" who gets all teary eyed every time they have to shoot a foreigner. I'd never be able to live down helping a left wing, liberal, hippy tree-hugger. 

      Nothing sticks in my craw more than a dirty gun right thieving, god killing leftist. They want to give all of our precious freedom to the communists in exchange for "clean air" and "universal health care". Can you believe that Johnson David? UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE! That means, EVERYONE will be healthy. What is the world coming to? Back in my day, you could kill a man and blame it on "hunting" and no one even questioned it. Now, they want to know if you hit any endangered species during the accidental murder. What the hell is with that, Johnson David? Tell, me Johnson, do you like guns?

      What do you need my address and phone number for? You're not going to ask me out on a date are you Johnson David? I'm not a pee-pee slurper, my friend. If you are, that's uh...fine...I guess. Most gays don't hate ALL freedom, just Jesus's, Johnson  David

It's at this point that I've sent my pertinent information to "the lawyer". Hence, my time with Col. Johnson David of the Dipshit Calvary Infantry Division is over. It's a sad occasion, but, I try to mark it with my now, recognized patriotic flare. Lesson learned?

Nigerians aren't very sharp.

I sent my information to your Queen lovin' lawyer. If you can tell me that you'll not be using my number to start up some kind of immoral "gay-ness" boy friend relationship, I'll give it to you too. I'm not a homo, Johnson David. 

      When I hang out with my buddies and we shed our shirts, pants and under garments...we do it because it's hot in the garage. Not because we want to bask in the splendor of each other's nakedness. Plus, we're talking about and holding GUNS WHEN WE DO IT!

I don't want to date you, Johnson David.

{Next: "The British Lawyer Is Coming!"}

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Sorry I've been neglecting you, dear readers. I have been spending a lot of time job hunting and on Facebook. I promise I haven't forgotten you.

Trying to develop an audience for this rambling bloggy shit is hard. Speaking of which, come and "Like" me on Facebook! If I get ten more people to like my page, I get a nifty chart to look at. Did you hear that? A CHART!