Elton Versus The Scammers: The Diplomat

      I apologize, dear reader. It would seem that in my haste to deliver on my Nigerian scamming delights, I had skipped a bit player in the melodrama. The Diplomat. He is supposed to be bringing the trunks filled with Afghan gold to me! How could I forget right? It's like forgetting to stock razors in Demi Lovato's dressing room. Rookie mistake.

Dear Sir

I am Diplomat Russell Cox the official diplomat to the World Wide

Delivery company here in London UK.

 I will be arriving John F. Kennedy Airport (JFK) New York by 3.00 AM

on Tuesday 10th July, 2012 for the delivery of your

 2 Trunks to your mailing address and I will contact you upon my arrival.

 Kindly on receipt of this email re-confirm to me immediately your

mailing address and your cell telephone number.

 Meanwhile, find enclosed copy of my British Passport for you to

identify me when I arrive your address in USA.

 Please acknowledge Receipt of my passport.

 Dip Russell Cox             

Alternative email   diprussellcox@gmail.com

I, of course, lead what I have convinced myself is a life, so, I didn't answer him right away. So, he sent me a few more emails saying he was at JFK waiting. I guess scamming Nigerians posing as diplomats get a special hotel rate, letting them stay indefinitely. Regardless...he grew impatient as scam folks often do.  

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Dear Sir

I flew into JFK since this Tuesday and notified you about my arrival with your 2 trunks and till this very moment I have not received words from 

you to know where you are as the boxes are still with the custom. I also informed you about my arrival date before I left UK to USA and no 

response from you.

I will be compelled to notify the delivery company in UK and fly the boxes back to UK if I do not receive words from you.

Dip Russell Cox

      My god sir! I apologize immensely for this mis-communication. As it turns out, I had a speaking engagement with a small group of itchy trigger fingered patriots from Milwaukee. They're trying to throw together an organization like me and my boys have, but, want to do it without the liberating use of body grease or nudity. Can you believe it? Bunch of commies.

       It's our god given American right to brandish fire arms without the hindrance of clothing. What did hell did Jesus and Uncle Sam die for if not for that?! I had to drive over in my VW van/love wagon to set them straight. It took a few  days and a lot of "convincing" to get those fellas out of their skivvies, slathered in grease and onto a FIRING RANGE! They eventually saw the light. God bless America sir, god bless it. 

      I hope I'm not too late on this one, Dip. I really want this to come through for this Army fella. Besides, me and my boys have already decided what to do with our share of the money! You ready for this, Dip? Hold on to your hat---underground militia lair/roller derby/fish taco restaurant. 

      It's kind of a combination of all of our ideas. We just decided to stop arguing at one point and that's what was left. Pretty good concept, am I right? You still need my info or are you gonna run 'em on over here? I can't wait to get this thing done with. Let's make this soldier proud to confiscate and then appropriate terror money, son. We can't let him down! THIS ONE'S FOR THE U.S.A.!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087 

USA

Dear Sir

Sequel to my last email to you, I flew in to the John F Kennedy (JFK) International Airport this morning with your 2 Trunks.

 I am trying to finalize the paperwork at the office of the Customs Officials and the boarder protection agency and will proceed to your residential Address immediately I conclude with Customs Officials at JFK Airport because they can not open the Trunks due to the Diplomatic Seal 

that was used to bind it.

 I advice you to be at your address and wait for me and always cheek your mail because I will Send you an email once I pick up my clearance to take a connecting flight to address.  Meanwhile, I am going to cheek into a hotel now to take my shower and have my rest and get down to the British embassy to notify them of my arrival before returning back to the Airport later in the day to pick up the clearance and fly down to your address. 

I will also try to take a picture of the Trunks where they are at the JFK when I return back from the embassy for your perusal. 

 I need to hear from you to know where you are before my departure to meet you up at your address.

 Dip Russell Cox

      It's at this point that the FBI somehow gets involved...for no reason that I can discern. Unless, there has been a severe lull in federal crime and they've decided to start arresting stupid people just for being stupid. Alas, the FBI agent enters and I let Dip know about it. Oh, on a side note, the proper abbreviation for diplomat is DPL. A little trivia for your long, lonely porn free nights.

Dear Dip, 

I have received an email from the F.B.I. saying I need to contact the courier of the "trunks". He says that I have to do some things with a form. I'm not sure what that means, so, please email me, immediately. 

My friends and I are trying to get our lair/roller-derby/fish taco franchise off the ground. A huge influx of middle eastern blood money would go a long way to realizing that dream. Please, help!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Let me see the FBI form you got because I am afraid that the FBI has nohing to do with the trunks and I need to find out if the form is an FBI scam.

I am still here at JFK waiting.

Dip Russell Cox

Dip 

I forwarded the email I got. What should I do? I'm wondering if bribing him is the American thing to do. I was thinking...maybe giving this Woody guy $1000 to "grease the wheels of democracy"...either that or a trailer park hooker I know. She's willing to do just about anything for $6 and a bottle of Shasta. What do you think? Remember...this is for Col. Johnson David! We must act quickly!

Attn E

1127 Goldleaf Lane

Weehawken, NJ 07087

USA

Have you contact the FBI agent as I directed you to do.

I need to hear from you urgently.

Dip  Russell Cox

Dip,

I just replied to him. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get this done. I'm not above giving the guy a bribe, but, I'm not going to have sex with him. That is my limit. I mean, I'm an American, through and through, but, I'm not gonna sit on the man's meat spear for a couple of trunks. Even if they're filled with an implausible amount of gold, know what...I...--you know, I'll keep an open mind as to what exactly needs 

to be done.

      So ends my time with the Diplomat, for now. Eventually, this whirlwind of dumbasses becomes more intense because, up until now, no one has asked me for money. For the uninitiated, Nigerian scams are geared toward getting...money. Whether these particular Nigerians were off cleaning AK47's during the "Introduction To Scamming" class, I'm not sure, but, I'll go along with it. Maybe they are just suckers for poor theatrics or are just genuinely stupid, either way, I'm entertained.  

Elton Versus The Scammers: The British Lawyer

Man, oh, man life has been treating me weird lately. I feel so behind in everything! Like a four balled man at a testicle kicking contest. Did you ever feel like you were asked to attend a costume party, then, decide to dress like a woman (because it's funny) and show up to find, that the party is actually a drag queen convention? Well, that's what I feel like. Just weird.

      Regardless, I'm back on track,maybe, and dispensing with ready made vigilante-esque justice for sinister, swarthy Nigerians. I'm here to dispel the villainy of Nigerian scamming...one tard at a time. This, however, involves at least 3 different guys...maybe. Who knows? Regardless, when I left off (you can read that here), I had finished with the soldier, mostly and have now moved on to the British lawyer.

The British Lawyer

This is an actual, real Nigerian lawyer, so, if you 

ever see him on the street, don't punch him 

and beat him with obscenely floppy dildos.

 Dear E

I have just read your email as per the instruction from Col Johnson David.

I need to have from you urgently your mailing address and your cell

telephone number to enable me submit same over to the delivery company

for the shipment of the trunks to your address.

Sir, William Scott,

I am a patriot of the highest order, sir. I love this country and it's

unflappable glory, like a straight woman loves penis. 

I am more than willing to help an american

soldier/hero/freedom savior when I can.

 This transaction that was proposed

to me seems more than legit. The one concern I have is your loyalty to the

Queen of England. I understand she's a fine woman and most likely a lover

of guns, but, still, she's not American.

Sir, I need to know that you are not a red coat loyalist and are doing

right by this U.S. soldier. Only then, will I send you the information you

require.

He didn't respond immediately, so, I took it upon myself to cattle prod him a little bit. Nigerian scam folk are crafty at question dodging. Wait...does crafty mean clumsily moronic? If it does...then, they are.

 

My name is E and I have recently been in contact with a young

 soldier who found some money in Afghanistan. He said to contact you so that

 I might help him get it. Now, I'm sure you do a decent job at lawyering and

 want not, Mr. Scott, but, I'd like it noted that you are not American. At

 least not in country. I have it on good authority that everyone in the U.K.

 is secretly tracked, via small sub-dermal chips in their skin, by the Queen

 of England. Therefore, 99% of British people shouldn't be trusted. The 1%

 that remains of course are the American friendlies sprinkled throughout

 that Godless country.

 So, with that being said Mr. Scott, I want to know...truthfully, if you

 love America and all of it's Red, White and Blue flag draped on bald eagles

 and hunting rifled glory or are you a dirty British sympathizer who tried

 to keep us under the thumb of a tyrannical king.

 I am serious, Mr. Scott. I await your reply.

Dear E

You will agree with me that this is taking longer than required.

I am a Briton and not  a red coat loyalist to any one. Now send to me

thr required information immediately and let me process the trunks

delivery to your address.

Willaism Scott

After getting a poor spelling Nigerian lawyer to explain that he's not a red coat. Obviously, you give him your address. It's the only logical progression in this correspondence. 

Thank you, sir. My heart swells with the sweet red, white and blue blood of American pride. Thank your lucky stars that you're not a microchipped enslaved drone of the Queen. I hear that's a special kind of hell filled with blood pudding, "fish and chips" and music of Graham Nash. Just saying that name gives me a shudder that I can't stop without freebasing antihistamine and ground up bald eagle feathers.

I apologize for this taking so long. I had to make sure you weren't a House of Windsor automaton, right? Wouldn't want the Queen to use this soldier's hard earned Afghan blood money to buy more shiny baubles and painted toe nails...and other royal like stuff. Besides, I was doing business in Detroit. There was a gun show/militia meeting. We ate nachos.

Here's my addy:  1127 Goldleaf Lane

                          Weehawken, NJ 07087 

Here's my cell, it's also my business/militia jamboree number too. If you're ever in town, Mr. Scott, feel free to call. Maybe we can go shoot some Un-American beer cans and maybe do a neighborhood watch/Tupperware party together. Though, your accent will surely scare the children. Some find it unsettling. It's nothing new to me, however. Can you believe they scream and run when I walk down the street? Like they've never seen a loaded AK-47...or and UZI...or an M-16, am I right? Here's the number: 201-669-8077

Dear E

Thank you for your mail and the mailing information.

I will be at the world wide delivery company this Thursday morning to

submit your mailing information and will revert to you as soon as I

return.

Have a wonderful day.

It would appear that the bastard scam...uh..bastards have almost...half won! They have my information and now need my money. They ALWAYS need money, can you believe that? So, I wait for them to pop the big question...when, suddenly...the FBI gets involved.

[NEXT: The F.B.I. Guy.]

      The address and phone number are not mine by the way. I got it from some generator I found online. I like to imagine that somewhere...in a dark Los Angeles alley, a drunken man, hopefully with an unintelligible accent is answering his phone and talking to perplexed Nigerians about a man named E. and his love of America...and disdain for Graham Nash. 

Elton Versus The Scammers: Col Johnson David

      So, lately, I have taken it upon myself to combat the forces of evil, brewing in Nigeria. Not all of Nigeria mind you, just the shitty thieving part. You know,...the...uh...south side of Nigeria? The rest is nice I'm sure. All rickety shanties and mud. It's likely filled with nice people, good food, oil and a lot of exiled warlords. It also has what I hear is a quite an unhealthy diamond trade, geared toward satisfying celebrity appetites for diamond studded bras and dog collars. Not sure if that's in the good or bad part. Man, I really should get up on my Nigeria research. This is embarrassing.

These tits brought to you by the Conflict Diamond Emporium/Deli...I imagine.

      My ignorance regarding Nigeria aside, there are criminals there wreaking havoc on poor unsuspecting internet denizens and desperate elderly housewives, especially those with money! So, I decided to email a couple, not only to explore the inner workings of the Nigerian crime world, but, to get to know a little about Nigeria too. Here is one of the more interesting discourses. 

I got the initial email in my eltonsaysthings@gmail.com mail box. It tells the semi-retarded tale of some Army Colonel ripping off trunks full of gold from some random Afghanistan...gold...hidey spot that they keep gold in. Real people do that, right? Anyway...here's the email. Oh, the pictures are facsimiles and aren't representative of the real person...except mine of course. I am seriously that ugly.

Sir/Madam.

My name is Col Johnson David; I am an American soldier, serving in the military with the army’s 4th Battalion, 64th Armored Regiment. I need your assistance,

I have summed up courage to contact you. As far as my situation here is concern reaching out via this medium is personally considered safest and the cheapest means of reaching out to you from the U.S.Military base here in the Middle East.

From all indications you are God sent, with the way and how lucky I was to get
your e-mail contact address from the U.S. military base library address journal through my online search just a few minutes ago.

I am seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$22MILLION) to you, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here in Afghanistan. This money was discovered in Iraq in 2003, and the above mentioned amount was given to me as my personal share by my battalion, which includes (Staff Sgt.Kenneth Buff & Sgt.Van Daniel Ess).

The amount (US$22MILLION) was part of money we got when we were in Iraq. Please visit any of the bellow website http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm  and

http://www.jonathanforeman.com/military/nyp_iraq/04192003_chest.html

With the speculated troop withdrawal by president Obama, I want to move this
money to you for safe keeping pending the completion of my assignment in Afghanistan.

But, my question is ‘CAN I TRUST YOU”?. You will be rewarded with 40% of this
fund for your help. Please respond to personal E-mail ID for further details.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Col Johnson David 

To which I respond in great haste in my best overly enthusiastic patriot accent...via text...on the internet. Think "midwestern redneck".) Oh, the lesson I learned from this email...

Nigerians Trust Anyone Who Is Easily Duped Out of Money.

Dear, Col Johnson David

      Sir, I am glad you contacted me about this ordeal that has befallen you. It warms my heart to know that someone such as yourself, would even consider me for this deeply personal and immensely important...thing. I would be honored to help out a soldier in need. I, being absolutely trustworthy, know how hard it is to find someone in this world of ill gotten gains and skulduggery to rely on to do the right thing. 

      I want you to know that...I am that person. I am that patriotic, soldier lovin' pile of American flag humping humanity that will do right by you. To prove how ready I am to do this...thing. I only ask for...30% of your blood money fund...thing. I'm a giver, sir, an AMERICAN!...not an untrustworthy skulduggerer bastard...or a liberal. Tell me what I need to do, so we can accomplish this mission, sir. I'll be awaiting your reply. 

a trustworthy patriot, 

E.

P.S. Thank you for your gallant service, sir. I would salute you, but, my hand isn't anywhere near my head.

Being in desperate need and the most broken English this side of brain damaged infancy, he takes the extended hand of a complete stranger...and licks it.

Dear E.

I really appreciate your help in receiving the money I have been able to secure  in Iraq. God in his mercy will surely bless and keep you and your Family.” God bless America and our real Armed Forces, only two ever gave everything they had, Jesus and the American Soldier".

 I must inform you that I am out of phone here in Afghan and only have access to Internet due to the fact that one of the Prison Warder who is a lady friend allows me use her Lap Top when she is on duty.

I have forwarded your information over to the attorney in UK to enable him process the delivery of the Trunks to your address. Forward to the attorney your mailing address and your cell telephone number urgently. His email address wiiliamsscott007@gmail.com his name is Williams Scott.He will contact you shortly.

Please do every thing possible and see that these Trunks get to you right there. The attorney dose not know that what is contained in the Trunks is money because I told him that the Trunks contain heirlooms (Family Treasure) when he asked me.Please take good note of this.

  

 Let me know as soon as you contact the Attorney as I am waiting to hear from you shortly.

Playing the ever faithful country man, I am appalled that this American soldier would have the audacity to undermine our broken, corrupt legal system and outsource his dilemma to an English lawyer, this being a Nigerian, however, I completely understand. The dirty, dirty bastard. Lesson learned?

Nigerians Believe Jesus Is American and that America only has one soldier...and he's not Jesus.

 Dear, Col. Johnson David, 

       I am more than willing to help you in our quest to yank Afghanistan blood money from the jaws of Obama's evil tax death machine. Being a patriot, I love helping soldiers in any endeavor that might make their lives easier, up to and including vandalizing religious artifacts not ordained by the American savior as holy, like, The Vatican, Southern Baptist picnics and Harry Potter fan clubs.

     The only problem I see with getting this done is the Brit lawyer you hired. You do understand that we fought against the King's demon army in our great Revolutionary War, don't you? Are you sure you want to work with someone born and raised under the thumb of a monarchy? Can this lawyer be trusted? 

      I'd hate for this money, you tore from the hands of what may or may not have been people who know what terrorism is, to fall into a tyrannical monarchy's hands. Let me know if you still want me to contact this Englishman lawyer or if you want to go with a lawyer whose colors don't run. That meaning an American lawyer. 

Dismissing my calling out his un-American lawyer as an "asshole" endeavor. He proceeds. Though, I won't let him go  that easy! Oh, and he misspells his own fucking name...HIS OWN FUCKING NAME, PEOPLE!

Dear E.

Thank you for your mail and all the related information you passed to me.
Yes, go ahead and contact the attorney in UK because he was the one who deposited the boxes with the delivery company in UK.
Foward to me also your mailing address and your cell telephone number urgently.
I am waiting.
Col Johnson Dvaid

So, I send some fake info to his "lawyer". (more on that later). I still I need to sell my protest against the use of a non-American lawyer. Oh...I almost forgot. Lesson learned?

Nigerians know dick...about nothing. (e.g. sentence structure, spelling, how the military/legal system/Jesus works)

Dear, Col. Johnson David

      I'm still kind of wary about dealing with a Brit. They do answer to a queen and all of her rich, bling baubled whims, no matter how illogical or unpatriotic. Regardless, if you want to use an "Englishman", I'll oblige, but, only out of respect for your service. Besides, it's the only Christian thing to do, am I right? We have to stick together, against the ravenous communists and their ungodly hordes. 

      You are a god fearing American, am I right, Johnson? You seem like the type. I hope you're not some "contentiousness objector" who gets all teary eyed every time they have to shoot a foreigner. I'd never be able to live down helping a left wing, liberal, hippy tree-hugger. 

      Nothing sticks in my craw more than a dirty gun right thieving, god killing leftist. They want to give all of our precious freedom to the communists in exchange for "clean air" and "universal health care". Can you believe that Johnson David? UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE! That means, EVERYONE will be healthy. What is the world coming to? Back in my day, you could kill a man and blame it on "hunting" and no one even questioned it. Now, they want to know if you hit any endangered species during the accidental murder. What the hell is with that, Johnson David? Tell, me Johnson, do you like guns?

      What do you need my address and phone number for? You're not going to ask me out on a date are you Johnson David? I'm not a pee-pee slurper, my friend. If you are, that's uh...fine...I guess. Most gays don't hate ALL freedom, just Jesus's, Johnson  David

It's at this point that I've sent my pertinent information to "the lawyer". Hence, my time with Col. Johnson David of the Dipshit Calvary Infantry Division is over. It's a sad occasion, but, I try to mark it with my now, recognized patriotic flare. Lesson learned?

Nigerians aren't very sharp.

I sent my information to your Queen lovin' lawyer. If you can tell me that you'll not be using my number to start up some kind of immoral "gay-ness" boy friend relationship, I'll give it to you too. I'm not a homo, Johnson David. 

      When I hang out with my buddies and we shed our shirts, pants and under garments...we do it because it's hot in the garage. Not because we want to bask in the splendor of each other's nakedness. Plus, we're talking about and holding GUNS WHEN WE DO IT!

I don't want to date you, Johnson David.

{Next: "The British Lawyer Is Coming!"}

_______________________________________

Sorry I've been neglecting you, dear readers. I have been spending a lot of time job hunting and on Facebook. I promise I haven't forgotten you.

Trying to develop an audience for this rambling bloggy shit is hard. Speaking of which, come and "Like" me on Facebook! If I get ten more people to like my page, I get a nifty chart to look at. Did you hear that? A CHART!