Monday, August 20, 2012

Elton Versus The Scammers: Col Johnson David

      So, lately, I have taken it upon myself to combat the forces of evil, brewing in Nigeria. Not all of Nigeria mind you, just the shitty thieving part. You know,...the...uh...south side of Nigeria? The rest is nice I'm sure. All rickety shanties and mud. It's likely filled with nice people, good food, oil and a lot of exiled warlords. It also has what I hear is a quite an unhealthy diamond trade, geared toward satisfying celebrity appetites for diamond studded bras and dog collars. Not sure if that's in the good or bad part. Man, I really should get up on my Nigeria research. This is embarrassing.

These tits brought to you by the Conflict Diamond Emporium/Deli...I imagine.

      My ignorance regarding Nigeria aside, there are criminals there wreaking havoc on poor unsuspecting internet denizens and desperate elderly housewives, especially those with money! So, I decided to email a couple, not only to explore the inner workings of the Nigerian crime world, but, to get to know a little about Nigeria too. Here is one of the more interesting discourses. 

I got the initial email in my mail box. It tells the semi-retarded tale of some Army Colonel ripping off trunks full of gold from some random spot that they keep gold in. Real people do that, right?'s the email. Oh, the pictures are facsimiles and aren't representative of the real person...except mine of course. I am seriously that ugly.

My name is Col Johnson David; I am an American soldier, serving in the military with the army’s 4th Battalion, 64th Armored Regiment. I need your assistance,
I have summed up courage to contact you. As far as my situation here is concern reaching out via this medium is personally considered safest and the cheapest means of reaching out to you from the U.S.Military base here in the Middle East.
From all indications you are God sent, with the way and how lucky I was to get
your e-mail contact address from the U.S. military base library address journal through my online search just a few minutes ago.
I am seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$22MILLION) to you, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here in Afghanistan. This money was discovered in Iraq in 2003, and the above mentioned amount was given to me as my personal share by my battalion, which includes (Staff Sgt.Kenneth Buff & Sgt.Van Daniel Ess).
The amount (US$22MILLION) was part of money we got when we were in Iraq. Please visit any of the bellow website  and
With the speculated troop withdrawal by president Obama, I want to move this
money to you for safe keeping pending the completion of my assignment in Afghanistan.
But, my question is ‘CAN I TRUST YOU”?. You will be rewarded with 40% of this
fund for your help. Please respond to personal E-mail ID for further details.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Col Johnson David 

To which I respond in great haste in my best overly enthusiastic patriot accent...via text...on the internet. Think "midwestern redneck".) Oh, the lesson I learned from this email...

Nigerians Trust Anyone Who Is Easily Duped Out of Money.

Dear, Col Johnson David

      Sir, I am glad you contacted me about this ordeal that has befallen you. It warms my heart to know that someone such as yourself, would even consider me for this deeply personal and immensely important...thing. I would be honored to help out a soldier in need. I, being absolutely trustworthy, know how hard it is to find someone in this world of ill gotten gains and skulduggery to rely on to do the right thing. 

      I want you to know that...I am that person. I am that patriotic, soldier lovin' pile of American flag humping humanity that will do right by you. To prove how ready I am to do this...thing. I only ask for...30% of your blood money fund...thing. I'm a giver, sir, an AMERICAN!...not an untrustworthy skulduggerer bastard...or a liberal. Tell me what I need to do, so we can accomplish this mission, sir. I'll be awaiting your reply. 

a trustworthy patriot, 


P.S. Thank you for your gallant service, sir. I would salute you, but, my hand isn't anywhere near my head.

Being in desperate need and the most broken English this side of brain damaged infancy, he takes the extended hand of a complete stranger...and licks it.

Dear E.

I really appreciate your help in receiving the money I have been able to secure  in Iraq. God in his mercy will surely bless and keep you and your Family.” God bless America and our real Armed Forces, only two ever gave everything they had, Jesus and the American Soldier".

 I must inform you that I am out of phone here in Afghan and only have access to Internet due to the fact that one of the Prison Warder who is a lady friend allows me use her Lap Top when she is on duty.

I have forwarded your information over to the attorney in UK to enable him process the delivery of the Trunks to your address. Forward to the attorney your mailing address and your cell telephone number urgently. His email address his name is Williams Scott.He will contact you shortly.

Please do every thing possible and see that these Trunks get to you right there. The attorney dose not know that what is contained in the Trunks is money because I told him that the Trunks contain heirlooms (Family Treasure) when he asked me.Please take good note of this.
 Let me know as soon as you contact the Attorney as I am waiting to hear from you shortly.

Playing the ever faithful country man, I am appalled that this American soldier would have the audacity to undermine our broken, corrupt legal system and outsource his dilemma to an English lawyer, this being a Nigerian, however, I completely understand. The dirty, dirty bastard. Lesson learned?

Nigerians Believe Jesus Is American and that America only has one soldier...and he's not Jesus.

 Dear, Col. Johnson David, 

       I am more than willing to help you in our quest to yank Afghanistan blood money from the jaws of Obama's evil tax death machine. Being a patriot, I love helping soldiers in any endeavor that might make their lives easier, up to and including vandalizing religious artifacts not ordained by the American savior as holy, like, The Vatican, Southern Baptist picnics and Harry Potter fan clubs.

     The only problem I see with getting this done is the Brit lawyer you hired. You do understand that we fought against the King's demon army in our great Revolutionary War, don't you? Are you sure you want to work with someone born and raised under the thumb of a monarchy? Can this lawyer be trusted? 

      I'd hate for this money, you tore from the hands of what may or may not have been people who know what terrorism is, to fall into a tyrannical monarchy's hands. Let me know if you still want me to contact this Englishman lawyer or if you want to go with a lawyer whose colors don't run. That meaning an American lawyer. 

Dismissing my calling out his un-American lawyer as an "asshole" endeavor. He proceeds. Though, I won't let him go  that easy! Oh, and he misspells his own fucking name...HIS OWN FUCKING NAME, PEOPLE!

Dear E.

Thank you for your mail and all the related information you passed to me.
Yes, go ahead and contact the attorney in UK because he was the one who deposited the boxes with the delivery company in UK.
Foward to me also your mailing address and your cell telephone number urgently.
I am waiting.
Col Johnson Dvaid

So, I send some fake info to his "lawyer". (more on that later). I still I need to sell my protest against the use of a non-American lawyer. Oh...I almost forgot. Lesson learned?

Nigerians know dick...about nothing. (e.g. sentence structure, spelling, how the military/legal system/Jesus works)

Dear, Col. Johnson David

      I'm still kind of wary about dealing with a Brit. They do answer to a queen and all of her rich, bling baubled whims, no matter how illogical or unpatriotic. Regardless, if you want to use an "Englishman", I'll oblige, but, only out of respect for your service. Besides, it's the only Christian thing to do, am I right? We have to stick together, against the ravenous communists and their ungodly hordes. 

      You are a god fearing American, am I right, Johnson? You seem like the type. I hope you're not some "contentiousness objector" who gets all teary eyed every time they have to shoot a foreigner. I'd never be able to live down helping a left wing, liberal, hippy tree-hugger. 

      Nothing sticks in my craw more than a dirty gun right thieving, god killing leftist. They want to give all of our precious freedom to the communists in exchange for "clean air" and "universal health care". Can you believe that Johnson David? UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE! That means, EVERYONE will be healthy. What is the world coming to? Back in my day, you could kill a man and blame it on "hunting" and no one even questioned it. Now, they want to know if you hit any endangered species during the accidental murder. What the hell is with that, Johnson David? Tell, me Johnson, do you like guns?

      What do you need my address and phone number for? You're not going to ask me out on a date are you Johnson David? I'm not a pee-pee slurper, my friend. If you are, that's uh...fine...I guess. Most gays don't hate ALL freedom, just Jesus's, Johnson  David

It's at this point that I've sent my pertinent information to "the lawyer". Hence, my time with Col. Johnson David of the Dipshit Calvary Infantry Division is over. It's a sad occasion, but, I try to mark it with my now, recognized patriotic flare. Lesson learned?

Nigerians aren't very sharp.

I sent my information to your Queen lovin' lawyer. If you can tell me that you'll not be using my number to start up some kind of immoral "gay-ness" boy friend relationship, I'll give it to you too. I'm not a homo, Johnson David. 

      When I hang out with my buddies and we shed our shirts, pants and under garments...we do it because it's hot in the garage. Not because we want to bask in the splendor of each other's nakedness. Plus, we're talking about and holding GUNS WHEN WE DO IT!

I don't want to date you, Johnson David.

{Next: "The British Lawyer Is Coming!"}


Sorry I've been neglecting you, dear readers. I have been spending a lot of time job hunting and on Facebook. I promise I haven't forgotten you.

Trying to develop an audience for this rambling bloggy shit is hard. Speaking of which, come and "Like" me on Facebook! If I get ten more people to like my page, I get a nifty chart to look at. Did you hear that? A CHART!


  1. The funniest scam emails I have ever had were 'from' the financial advisor of Colonel Gaddafi's son and the step brother of the Sheikh of Brunei!

    Stopping by on the Post A To Z Road Trip :)

    1. I haven't seen those! Oh, I would love to get THAT email. Nothing like trading correspondence with a dictator's son.

  2. Seeing as you have been such a good Christian and to hold out a hand in peace as an english woman..I am going to tweet this post AND like your facebook page and its not in anyway an attempt to prove I am not a racist homophobe...i'm not! ;)

  3. Elton, this is wrong on SO many levels and yet so bloody funny!

    Signed Lily, part of the ravenous communists and their ungodly hordes...


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