Friday, August 17, 2012

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: #1 The Me-me-me

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job

#1 The Me-Me-Me

      This guy is my favorite. He's the one who talks...endlessly, while you imagine your face dry humping a cheese grater. It's not because you like the feel of metal sloooowly stripping away your cheeky face flesh. No. It's just that, that image, that fantasy, is better than listening to this motherfucker talk. They just drone on and on about doing...absolutely unbelievable bullshit. I mean, truly, beyond belief shit...that is total...fantasy. Their fantasy...that you started for them. What a dick nose.

It would be his face, but, he's too good for it and 
you wouldn't want to damage 
a perfectly good cheese grater. 

      This guy, through the miracle of assholery, can redirect the focus of any conversation directly at himself. Via, "Oh, yeah, I was there once but, with my dick out, with a hand grenade...surrounded by celebrities cheering me on..." and "Oh, my Grandma died of cancer too...yeah, she had ALL the cancers at once, but, my whole family is immune...including me, so, she just spit them out and went to work bending iron..." bull-shit, he can one up and requisition anything you say and use it for his own anecdote.

      He's also the guy that's done everything. Whoa, wait, not just everything...but, everything you've done too, only better. This is the guy that's done everything. Everything and more, up to and including invading the moon, wiping out it's race of Lothario transvestite strippers and establishing a base for the production of Lunar Diet Shasta.

"Why you gotta come shootin' us? We jus wanna live an strip in peace. Gawwd."

       How does one become an asshole like this? Is it poor up bringing? Adkins diet? The Morning After pill addiction? Too much t.v.? Honestly, I think it's the leering, drunken lust filled eyes of retarded power jostling attempts. By claiming to have done, what you've done...better and focusing on themselves, these folks think that it will some how win them friends...or at least, by proxy, demonstrate superior they're awesome. There it is. I knew I'd hit it.


      Like I said before...a couple of times, acceptance isn't necessarily dominance. Sometimes, it's just nice to talk, drop some anecdotes and maybe swap acid trip stories. Nobodies story or experience has to out do someone else's. It's not a contest. Just toss it out there and see what happens. Actually, it's much like a real life dick measuring contest. Sometimes the "gutsiest" person just has to have the balls enough to unzip his pants. 

"Gentlemen, what you're about to see has confounded 
scientists, amazed women and is 100% natural...and 
is not the second coming of Jesus...
though you will be saying his name."

      Oh, here's another don't have to have identical experiences. Maybe their talking about the time they shit on Donald Ducks foot at Disneyland, well, that's an opportunity to whip out the time you watched a guy pee on the Lincoln Memorial...while screaming your name...BECAUSE YOU PAID HIM TO! (good times). It's not about the "I'm better than you." horse shit. It's about getting to know one another. 

      Take it easy with the "how can I top that?!" nonsense. It's okay to say, "Wow, that's crazy! I've never stolen from the Vatican to pay for a chimpanzees abortion before. Sounds like a hoot!", it's totally acceptable and no one will think lesser of you for not having done...EVERYTHING. Plus, you'll be 90% more believable. So, when you do get around to telling them about that time you super glued your neighbors dog, to a passenger train, they won't edge away from you with a face frozen by terror. 


  1. Is it legal to slap people like this? I once had a conversation with a guy which went something like this:

    Me: I'm knackered today. Went to a gig last night that finished quite late and I had a half an hour drive home.

    Him: Yeah? Well I drove all the way to Land's End and back last night ((a 600 mile round trip)), still got in to work at 7AM and I'm not even tired!

    Me: Uh-huh, see you later...

    Why would someone go to Land's End in the middle of the night? Ridiculous.

  2. Perhaps...and I'm just stabbing in the dark here, perhaps there was a stupid convention. Something with a name like, "Stupidicon", "The Mindless Gathering" or "Burning Man". Maybe, he had a speaking engagement at this rally, to convince the other stupid people to travel even further, in an unbelievably, inconceivably fast way...for the next stupid...stupid convention.


Comment. Lest your fear consume you, cry baby.