5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: #1 The Me-me-me

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job

#1 The Me-Me-Me

      This guy is my favorite. He's the one who talks...endlessly, while you imagine your face dry humping a cheese grater. It's not because you like the feel of metal sloooowly stripping away your cheeky face flesh. No. It's just that, that image, that fantasy, is better than listening to this motherfucker talk. They just drone on and on about doing...absolutely unbelievable bullshit. I mean, truly, beyond belief shit...that is total...fantasy. Their fantasy...that you started for them. What a dick nose.

It would be his face, but, he's too good for it and 

you wouldn't want to damage 

a perfectly good cheese grater. 

      This guy, through the miracle of assholery, can redirect the focus of any conversation directly at himself. Via, "Oh, yeah, I was there once but, with my dick out, with a hand grenade...surrounded by celebrities cheering me on..." and "Oh, my Grandma died of cancer too...yeah, she had ALL the cancers at once, but, my whole family is immune...including me, so, she just spit them out and went to work bending iron..." bull-shit, he can one up and requisition anything you say and use it for his own anecdote.

      He's also the guy that's done everything. Whoa, wait, not just everything...but, everything you've done too, only better. This is the guy that's done everything. Everything and more, up to and including invading the moon, wiping out it's race of Lothario transvestite strippers and establishing a base for the production of Lunar Diet Shasta.

"Why you gotta come shootin' us? We jus wanna live an strip in peace. Gawwd."

       How does one become an asshole like this? Is it poor up bringing? Adkins diet? The Morning After pill addiction? Too much t.v.? Honestly, I think it's the leering, drunken lust filled eyes of retarded power jostling attempts. By claiming to have done, what you've done...better and focusing on themselves, these folks think that it will some how win them friends...or at least, by proxy, demonstrate superior genitalia...er...brains...no...uh...that they're awesome. There it is. I knew I'd hit it.

HOW TO NOT BE THAT GUY:

      Like I said before...a couple of times, acceptance isn't necessarily dominance. Sometimes, it's just nice to talk, drop some anecdotes and maybe swap acid trip stories. Nobodies story or experience has to out do someone else's. It's not a contest. Just toss it out there and see what happens. Actually, it's much like a real life dick measuring contest. Sometimes the "gutsiest" person just has to have the balls enough to unzip his pants. 

"Gentlemen, what you're about to see has confounded 

scientists, amazed women and is 100% natural...and 

is not the second coming of Jesus...

though you will be saying his name."

      Oh, here's another thing...you don't have to have identical experiences. Maybe their talking about the time they shit on Donald Ducks foot at Disneyland, well, that's an opportunity to whip out the time you watched a guy pee on the Lincoln Memorial...while screaming your name...BECAUSE YOU PAID HIM TO! (good times). It's not about the "I'm better than you." horse shit. It's about getting to know one another. 

      Take it easy with the "how can I top that?!" nonsense. It's okay to say, "Wow, that's crazy! I've never stolen from the Vatican to pay for a chimpanzees abortion before. Sounds like a hoot!", it's totally acceptable and no one will think lesser of you for not having done...EVERYTHING. Plus, you'll be 90% more believable. So, when you do get around to telling them about that time you super glued your neighbors dog, to a passenger train, they won't edge away from you with a face frozen by terror. 

Commercials Made For...Who?

     There are mornings, that upon waking, seem brighter. The foul air of stupidity that's usually present is cleaner and smells...smarter, the birds chirp in a way that says, "It's okay, today is cloudless sunshine with a 90% chance of rainbows!" Everything is fantastic.Then, a retarded commercial on t.v. ruins the whole fucking day.

The Mio Liquid Animal Ads

I. Just. Peed.

     The commercial above, is selling Mio drink mix it's also a cold stare in to a hellish abyss of animal driven nightmares. It was hard to tell what they were selling through all the childlike sobbing I was doing. Mio is a liquid concentrate Kool-Aid mix, that you squirt into water to make it taste like...fruity water. It's basically Kool-Aid mix for hip, slightly stupid adults who feel their tastes are more mature than regular Kool-Aid. This is a classic "separate an idiot from his money" product. Putting fruity concentrate in a tiny, expensive plastic bottle, giving you half of what you want but, charging you twice as much doesn't make it different from Kool Aid. It just says your a complete idiot who likes fruity water.

      The problem isn't with the pocket sized Juicey Juice mix. It's with the nightmare fuel animal people acting like nonchalant assholes in a bar that bothers me.

      Who the hell was this commercial made for? People who have trouble shitting themselves from panic and fear? It's a bunch of photo realistic-ish animals talking about fruit drink mix for fuck's sake. Is there a demographic of people craving photo realistic anthropomorphic bar hoppers? I don't understand. If you're peddling fruit drink to adults, why do you need bizarre animal people? If you're hocking your junk to kids, why are the freak-imals in a bar talking like adults?! It's confusing, scary and...I just threw up a little.

1800 Tequila

Whatever happened to shutting the fuck up?

      I'm all about getting trashed and whining, this blog proves it, but, I'm not trying to sell you anything doing it. That would just be a stupid way to get you to NOT buy something. Which is the opposite of what advertising is about. Right? I'm not totally hip to the television ad game. I'm roughly familiar with the swatches of information I get from the parts of Mad Men that doesn't have Christina Hendricks boobs in it. ( **hint, hint ---> MAD MEN SEASON 1 BY MAD MEN (Blu-Ray) [3 DISCS]). So, I might be way off base in assuming that no one buys things from crotchety pricks in suits that sit alone in empty bars complaining about shit. Am I wrong?

      Hey, I understand the appeal of nostalgia. Looking back to a time when shit seemed awesome. Sometimes, I wish I was still small enough to tie a sheet around my neck and run around the house playing Superman. When, I do it now, they call the police and talk about a possible suicide attempts and delusions of super powers. Fucking bastards.

     So, here is this guy, bitching about things that he's not even old enough to bitch about missing. He's tossing out this "Remember the smoke filled bars, suit clad, fedora wearing Sinatra type guys of yesteryear? Them's was good days, good guys." vibe, like he lived it. He was there. He shook The Chairman's hand! He's 46. Which would put his formative Sinatra days as some time in the late 80's/90's.

     Maybe they should refine the ad campaign to incorporate this. Perhaps, "Whatever happened to real men, like Al Bundy or John Mclane?..." Speaking of pricks reminiscing out side of their years.

Let's have a sleep over guys!

      I'm going to say this right up front. I'm a bit biased. I hate Puff Daddy (which is the name I first heard of him using, so, it's his dumb ass name). I hate, hate hate his ass. His career and fame are based on the talents and work of better arrtists. The guy comes off as a rip-off, leaching, talent-less tard who treats money like douche' fuel. (sigh) I feel better now and can move on. Who the fuckin' fuck was this commercial made for?

      Is it for asshole's aping for a "Rat Pack/Boozy Sinatra and Pals" kind of time? Look, I can...kinda see the appeal. With everything from smoking to hate crime being illegal now, who are the cool, hip rule breakers, huh? Sinatra and his fellas were awesome! The didn't play by societies standards. They boozed hard, ladied it up and partied 24 hours a day...literally...I looked it up. Who wouldn't want that kind a life?

      You wouldn't, bitch. Back in their day, Sinatra and his ilk lived life hard because times were pretty straight laced back then and bucking trends was hardcore. Segregation was in full swing, homosexuality was only accepted as Milton Berle in drag and church was still...popular, this was the time of The Rat Pack boozathon. When they were busting out of societies confines, it was a big deal and they were the types to not give a shit. Awesome---unlike today. Today, we get Puffy, a couple of barely famous actors and I'm assuming European male underwear models.

      Today, none of that "going against the grain" shit applies really. A lot of the stuff the O.G. Rat Pack railed against is acceptable now. Segregation was found out to be just as dumb--as klan rallies are white, church has been shunned to t.v. channels no one watches and homosexuality has it's own channel...it's called Bravo. 

      So, what are Puffy and his play mates trying to re-kindle? Oh, wearing suits, staying up all night and getting tanked while blowing money on hooker/super models no one gets to sleep with. That's called an "average weekend" on most college campuses. Only, on campuses, they spend the money on rubbers and weed instead of over priced vodka. Gooooooooooo progress!