Friday, August 10, 2012

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: The Functional Retard

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job

#2 The Functional Retard

What is this...keys?

      Oh, I'm sure I'll catch hell for that title, so, let's clear this shit up. Right off the bat, I have to say, that this isn't about actual retarded people. Authentically retarded people aren't a source of belittlement or mockery. They were born that way and there's nothing wrong with it. You were born with your short comings too as was I and they shouldn't be mocked either. No matter how strange your uni-brow, bucked teeth and inability to differentiate between "your" and "you're" are, they're your strangeness. People that make fun of shit that can't be helped are douche bags. Still, if you do something ridiculously funny, expect to get called on it. I do.

      Sure, retarded people do some goofy shit that gets a laugh, but, so does everyone else. This isn't making fun of actual mentally retarded people that work either. They have as much right to do a job right or do it poorly, as anyone else. So, get that "Elton it's awful and cruel to make fun of retarded people" shit, right out of your "ready to hate" head. Retarded people aren't punch lines...stupid people are. If you can't tell the need to re-evaluate your closed minded view of humanity...bitch.

You're...fucked up!

      This is about that person at work that A) has no nor demonstrates any common any shape or form...ever and B) is just fucking stupid. They're so incredibly...incredibly stupid, you wonder how they wake every morning and DON'T lose a limb or choke in the process. I have never hated and felt bad for someone I work with more than guys like that. They make every day and everything done that day seem to take twice as long and at times be twice as dangerous, only because of their ignorance to the work they're supposed to do. 

      The sad part is, I don't think they can really help it, even though they can totally fucking help it. Choosing to be a fuck head is like choosing to only use one eye the rest of your life. Everyone knows you have a perfectly good eye you COULD but, there you sit, content in your self cyclops blindness. Meanwhile, people with good sight wait for you to open your fucking eye and get with the program or wait until someone blinds you permanently. sweet. Yeeaah. Um...what? I'm sorry, I was lost in the fantasy of beating a stupid ass into blindness.

You want to hit the fucker too, but, beating the stupid out of them would only be satisfying for you and that would be selfish. Right? Still, it seems like there could be a orgasm at the end of it, so, it's worth thinking about.

Just make sure you're alone when you do it.

      What sucks the most is, you're never really sure if they're being stupid to be lazy or if they're naturally idiotic and that's the painful, deep, ass itch level of a problem. Is this guy an asshole acting stupid or just a general.

Being ridiculously stupid isn't a crime, but, it should be...oh...fuck it should be.

Shouldn't it?

       People like this constantly fuck things up; be it your day, the whatever it is they're supposed to do normally, the shit they were told to help you with but, fuck up, so, you just tell them to get coffee or watch boxes instead, etc., etc. It's not an isolated incident or a bad day or even a bad week. It's all the time, despite having to do the same exact Either they're fucking up and slowing shit down or are interrupting your shit to ask questions about their shit and slowing YOU down. How the fuck do people like this get hired? 

So, this thing...does...what again?

      I'm not saying stupid people shouldn't have jobs. They absolutely should. Should they have jobs that seem to fall slightly outside of their mental wheel house? No, fucking, fuck no. I think there are some comprehensive tests that need to be done before hiring a motherfucker for something that may involve math, alphabetizing or using your hands for something other than scratching your nuts. 


      Frankly, I don't think it's possible. Fucking stupid is fucking stupid. The awful truth is, that if you were to do anything about it, you'd be the jerk picking on the slow guy. The best way to not be the functional retard is self analysis. If you're working and find yourself asking a co-worker whether you should put your dick in between pallets of Cheez-Whiz more than once, you're the functional retard of your work place. Being the idiot at work sucks, I'm sure. There's still a chance to turn it all around. Working on your memory and cognitive abilities might help.

Words don't hurt! Well...they might make your brain explode.

      I know that sounds like a big task, but, it's not, really. Read a few books or maybe a news paper, it will help with elevating your informational intake capacity...or something like that. Shit, it's just good to read--at all! I know it's sounds like a death defying feat for someone who hasn't read anything wordier than a stop sign in the past decade, but, put forth some fucking effort, dammit. The people working with you are. They're trying daily to fend off the urge to pluck your eyes out with their thumbs and pour hot coffee in the empty sockets. Believe gets harder everyday. 


  1. Hey, stop signs are pretty tricky to read sometimes. I rarely get through them in one sitting.

  2. Have you ever been a customer and had to deal with one of these idiots? "Why is it taking you 20 minutes to deposit my check? Just type in the account number and the dollar amount. Christ! Want me to do it for you? No, don't call your manager over. Why is this so complicated? Never mind, I'll come back on your day off. Asshole." Makes me want to kneel down and kiss the balls of the beautiful genius who invented the ATM. (I had a bad experience at the bank this morning. Sorry.)


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