4 Stupid Things The Internet Has To Stop Saying...Right NOW!

      Certain things must end: seasons, species, procedures that begin with "Bend over and relax, you may feel a...slight discomfort.". That isn't to say that some of that stuff isn't necessary. I would love for the "getting my ass fingered by a doctor" thing to disappear but, it allows me to keep blindly disregarding my prostate for few years. As for species ending, some of them are useless and deserve extinction, but, being that I'm part of a species and I sure as shit am not ready for mine to end. As for seasons, well, they always come back...even fucking winter. Fuck you winter. Dammit.

Brav-fuckin'-oh. (slow clap)

      So, maybe I was wrong about those things, but, these others...need to god damned go. NOW!

4. FUCK YOUR LIFE!

Nail gun to your stupid face...problem solved.

      Tons of things need to end. Lots more! Like, "FML" or "fuck my life" for the internet retarded. What a pretentious, self  effacing, assholeness, lump of shit statement this is.Who the hell came up with this? It sounds like something Paris Hilton would say when she isn't sucking penis or can't find designer heels in her size. Your life is, your life. If it's so damned tragic...end it. I won't be sad and neither will the rest of us.

      Your asinine problems don't warrant a "fuck my life". You're having a bad day/moment. Suck it up. Most of humanity's days suck shit all the damned time...except for Hugh Hefner's. His life is pretty much bad ass...all the time. Still, you don't hear everyone else bitching. Stop fucking your life and deal with it. If you spent less time whining you'd realize that your problems are pretty manageable and can easily be solved or lacking that, some random bullshit came down and pissed on your parade for a little while. It happens to everyone, so, shut the hell up. Stop being an asshole.

If only it stopped at bullshit like "FML"...

3. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!

First world problems...

      Oh, no, no...don't get me wrong, it was funny...the first time. It's going on one million and six, now, you're just a stupid dick. Putting a back handed spin on people complaining about shit that is...pretty minuscule, as far as "actual problems" go and should stop their fucking complaining. I get that and it's great...if you've never complained about that meaningless shit. 

      What people seem to forget is that we all complain about this stuff. Everyone does...all of us, in the "first world" anyway. Is the "first world problems" thing supposed to put things into perspective? Well...fuck yourself.

      Sure, our problems seem pretty pretentious and self serving, when it comes to third world famine, genocide and disease plagued countries and people. EVERYTHING does, but, they're still problems, relative to our own society. 

      Yes, we aren't starving, naked people living in constant fear, but, if you gave all those poor bastards everything we have, they'd eventually start complaining about the same shit we do now. So, what are you making fun of, you fucking ass face? Their problems are relative to their society. 

      Their problems were not created by us, not on purpose anyway, so making me feel guilty about something I had no part in. It's like blaming the pharmacist for not hard selling your Mom on birth control. You know, so she wouldn't have given birth to an asshole. Go feed those fucking third world pricks, elevate their standard of living so they can complain about their cable being out...and leave everyone the fuck out of it. Fuck head. Plus, you're being snarky and witty about "first world problems" by creating a meme...on the fucking internet, which, by and large, is a first world medium. Just shut the hell up!

And while you're at it...

2. YOLO! Asshole!

But, you can fuck yourself...many, many times.

      Can jerk-off's saying this hurry up and fuckin' die already? Seriously. If you say this more than NEVER, you're a douche'. There is no way to redemption. I would go as far, as to say, that I'd find the inventor of this bullshit and beat in his liver with a rusty shovel, but, someone already shot him. Unlucky for us, a talent lacking Canadian and his ugly friend took up the YOLO shtick and now we're stuck with it. Fucking Canadians. They can never leave well enough alone. 

Fucking Canada.

      Regardless of whether Canada is partly to blame or should bear the full load of asshole-ness, YOLO needs to be dropped...fast. When shit like this makes it onto shirts...the game is over. Then, it's only a matter of time before your Mom buys one and living the YOLO dream, kicks you out of your dank basement hovel of used beer cans and broken XBox head sets. Where will you be then? Probably Canada...traitor.

      Besides all of that, YOLO as a philosophy or way of life is, in itself, hopelessly stupid. Most morons tend to buy into it because it means, "Fuck it. I can justify doing stupid shit because, I only live once.", when in fact...you live EVERY day. Every single fuckin' day. You only DIE once. Which...is what everyone who ever said YOLO should absolutely fucking do. Right now.

Though, they won't, not until they gather enough...

1. SWAG! 

It's all about...shutting the hell up.

      Swag. What the hell does that even mean? Is it supposed to mean "swagger" or is it still the stuff the radio stations give away to "up" attendance at shitty concerts? Either way, fuck it. Fuck it right in it's rhinestone covered ass. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only brain dead fashionista pricks staying it, but, it's made it all the way to Chinese bootleg t-shirt makers and the white gangsta wannabes buying them.

      So far as I can tell, SWAG is the word used for dressing like a complete douche bag. Not just any douche bag mind you, but, one willing to spend exorbitant amounts of money...to look poor. Okay, maybe not poor, but, like someone who was kicked out of a Goodwill for stealing clothes...and is also color blind.

Pictured: 80's B-Boy...nope...swag-tastic fuck heads.

      I understand that a lot of you want to look stupid and that is fine. I encourage it. It gives me someone to point and laugh at, which is hard on some days. Making yourself an easy target is helpful, but, for fuck's sake, stop trying to make your poor fashion choices into something cool. It's not and never will be. Your inability to distinguish expensive hobo clothing from actual hobo clothing is laughable. Calling it Swag just makes you look silly and sad. Okay...more sad than anything. Just...fucking stop. Plus...

The Beastie Boys did it better...you slack bitches.

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job: The Functional Retard

5 Kinds of Moron At Every Job

#2 The Functional Retard

What is this...keys?

      Oh, I'm sure I'll catch hell for that title, so, let's clear this shit up. Right off the bat, I have to say, that this isn't about actual retarded people. Authentically retarded people aren't a source of belittlement or mockery. They were born that way and there's nothing wrong with it. You were born with your short comings too as was I and they shouldn't be mocked either. No matter how strange your uni-brow, bucked teeth and inability to differentiate between "your" and "you're" are, they're your strangeness. People that make fun of shit that can't be helped are douche bags. Still, if you do something ridiculously funny, expect to get called on it. I do.

      Sure, retarded people do some goofy shit that gets a laugh, but, so does everyone else. This isn't making fun of actual mentally retarded people that work either. They have as much right to do a job right or do it poorly, as anyone else. So, get that "Elton it's awful and cruel to make fun of retarded people" shit, right out of your "ready to hate" head. Retarded people aren't punch lines...stupid people are. If you can't tell the difference...you need to re-evaluate your closed minded view of humanity...bitch.

You're...fucked up!

      This is about that person at work that A) has no nor demonstrates any common sense...in any shape or form...ever and B) is just fucking stupid. They're so incredibly...incredibly stupid, you wonder how they wake every morning and DON'T lose a limb or choke in the process. I have never hated and felt bad for someone I work with more than guys like that. They make every day and everything done that day seem to take twice as long and at times be twice as dangerous, only because of their ignorance to the work they're supposed to do. 

      The sad part is, I don't think they can really help it, even though they can totally fucking help it. Choosing to be a fuck head is like choosing to only use one eye the rest of your life. Everyone knows you have a perfectly good eye you COULD but, there you sit, content in your self cyclops blindness. Meanwhile, people with good sight wait for you to open your fucking eye and get with the program or wait until someone blinds you permanently. Ohhh...how sweet. Yeeaah. Um...what? I'm sorry, I was lost in the fantasy of beating a stupid ass into blindness.

You want to hit the fucker too, but, beating the stupid out of them would only be satisfying for you and that would be selfish. Right? Still, it seems like there could be a orgasm at the end of it, so, it's worth thinking about.

Just make sure you're alone when you do it.

      What sucks the most is, you're never really sure if they're being stupid to be lazy or if they're naturally idiotic and that's the painful, deep, ass itch level of a problem. Is this guy an asshole acting stupid or just a moron...in general.

Being ridiculously stupid isn't a crime, but, it should be...oh...fuck it should be.

Shouldn't it?

       People like this constantly fuck things up; be it your day, the whatever it is they're supposed to do normally, the shit they were told to help you with but, fuck up, so, you just tell them to get coffee or watch boxes instead, etc., etc. It's not an isolated incident or a bad day or even a bad week. It's all the time, despite having to do the same exact task...all...day...long. Either they're fucking up and slowing shit down or are interrupting your shit to ask questions about their shit and slowing YOU down. How the fuck do people like this get hired? 

So, this thing...does...what again?

      I'm not saying stupid people shouldn't have jobs. They absolutely should. Should they have jobs that seem to fall slightly outside of their mental wheel house? No, fucking, fuck no. I think there are some comprehensive tests that need to be done before hiring a motherfucker for something that may involve math, alphabetizing or using your hands for something other than scratching your nuts. 

HOW TO NOT BE THAT GUY:

      Frankly, I don't think it's possible. Fucking stupid is fucking stupid. The awful truth is, that if you were to do anything about it, you'd be the jerk picking on the slow guy. The best way to not be the functional retard is self analysis. If you're working and find yourself asking a co-worker whether you should put your dick in between pallets of Cheez-Whiz more than once, you're the functional retard of your work place. Being the idiot at work sucks, I'm sure. There's still a chance to turn it all around. Working on your memory and cognitive abilities might help.

Words don't hurt! Well...they might make your brain explode.

      I know that sounds like a big task, but, it's not, really. Read a few books or maybe a news paper, it will help with elevating your informational intake capacity...or something like that. Shit, it's just good to read--at all! I know it's sounds like a death defying feat for someone who hasn't read anything wordier than a stop sign in the past decade, but, put forth some fucking effort, dammit. The people working with you are. They're trying daily to fend off the urge to pluck your eyes out with their thumbs and pour hot coffee in the empty sockets. Believe me...it gets harder everyday. Every...fucking...day.